AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

No such thing as a free lunch OP, let alone a free holiday. Paying for extravagant holidays for other people without being certain they want them, can be very controlling and almost amount to bullying. You said you didn't want to go at the time they suggested, and that should have been the end of that plan, and a new plan suggested or the whole idea abandoned.
Go NC if you want, but will it give you the result you want? DH and the children will be spending time with them without you, which might not feel good. More important is talking to DH about how to go forward together now that you are feeling so abandoned by him.

ok this makes a lot more sense of the situation, clearly it’s part of a wider pattern od behaviour and your husbands inability to stand up to them.
I suppose now you have to decide if you even want to still be married to him. Someone who never sticks up for you isn’t someone i’d want as a husband.

I think it's utterly nuts that you're going NC over this. You're choosing to compromise your marriage and your children's relationship with their grandparents because of a holiday. As others have said, you are conflating two separate events and blaming your PIL and your DH for how you are feeling. Nothing will take away the sadness but there is a bigger picture here involving more actors than just yourself. The holiday had to be booked. For whatever reason, it could not wait.

I'll concede that they could have been more tactful but step away and view it for what it is - a safari holiday that you admit you could not afford. The sad passing of your father a year before has nothing to do with that.

This really isn't worth going NC on PIL who took you in at a low ebb and have gifted you something extraordinary. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Also people hate feeling they need to apologise for things when they feel they have done nothing wrong. Bullying people into it is wrong. I don't see the PIL in here needing to whatsoever.

Bit of both. They have been particularly thoughtless. I don't think they did it on purpose. They've helped you in the past.

Best for all - especially your kids and your marriage and you all - to move on. Hold no grudges and definitely not go 'NC'.

They were wrong not to wait to book. You are wrong to blow it out of all proportion. They tried to do a nice thing for you all.
Are you really going to spoil this for the children?

The question you haven’t answered OP is was there a problem with the dates? Did they pick dates that were wildly unreasonable? Was it during term time?

I agree with most and I’ve read all your posts that while their timing wasn’t great, your reaction is so extreme. You’ve not spoken to them for a year and have told them none of you will be going on the holiday.

Whilst I appreciate you were in the midst of a total headfuck, surely it’s booked, unless the dates are crazy then just go with it and accept the generous offer? It sounds like there wasn’t necessarily a problem with the dates but you just didn’t like the fact they booked it while you were dealing with your fathers illness and couldn’t have checked dates, and are now making everyone pay for this mistake.

Doesnt matter how much money they have: when these holidays come up that tick every box, you do need to jump on them.

Your DH probably has facilitated this and I would guess should have been firmer - but although I don’t agree with his ‘ultimatum’ I sort of see where he’s coming from. Massive over reaction that’s affecting the entire family and probably your children too.

If you want an apology from them then I also think you owe them one also for your reaction.

But I suspect you’ll pick up only on those posters agreeing with you and not the majority who have voted you are unreasonable

Something that a lot of people are missing is that it is the fact that all the pressure and demands for an answer about going on the holiday were being put on me at the exact time my dad was dying and we were burying him. I have been on multiple holidays with my in-laws in the past. We have invited them to things that they have declined. All they needed to do was allow me even a couple of months to grieve my dad and get my head straight. Money is literally not an issue for them - they could have booked this at any time. All they had to do was wait a few months and the 4 of us could have had the discussion together. But they made the decision not to do that, and tried to push this all on me at the worst moment of my life.

I agree with this 100%

I think because you are grieving, it is normal to feel angry with life itself.
Don't push the family you have away from you. You need their support. They were there for you when your mom passed away. Anger and grief have a nasty way of taking over and we forget the good things the other person has done for us.
The holiday will be good therapy for you.
I would say go and if you don't find it helped, then re-evaluate the situation afterwards, don't be hasty.
Don't destroy your marriage.
You are obviously going to think you are doing the right thing because you have got that thought stuck in your mind, which you are not willing to let go of.
Your Parent-in-laws have been very generous in paying for a holiday, and its something that will help you mentally. I definitely think you need some kind of help with your mental health before it effects your marriage aswell.
If your marriage is otherwise fine you should definitely not let petty things like this break the relationship.

I was in a marriage, where the in-laws were so greedy and their son was no different. They would rather I pay for everything, than give me a penny, even then they weren't satisfied.

You have very generous in-laws. Life as a single parent is not a bed of roses so sort yourself out and be grateful.

I think your grief has completely clouded your judgement here, granted asking you when someone is about to die isn't ideal and then them going booking it is presumptuous but it wasn't booked for 2 weeks after you lost your dad it was the next year, so they probably thought it's be something nice fir you to look forward to.

You are creating drama, the way you speak about them and all this no contact nonsense, all they did was book you an expensive holiday to enjoy. You are basically directing all your grief and upset at them when that's absolutely nothing to do with them. I'd be pissed off if my husband behaved like this towards my parents too, I'm not surprised he's fed up with you.

But it was your husband who was doing that. He could have easily shut them down. And saying he’s scared to - well that’s still on him.

you are fixating so much on the holiday issue when you need to be focussing on what you want your future life to be like and how this is impacting your kids.

At the very least, your dh should NOT have passed on that message, @OneAquaHare! Ideally he should have told his parents “This is not the time for this question. @OneAquaHare is grieving, and going through the sorrow of the funeral, and you need to have some tact and sensitivity. We will contact you about this when she feels up to making the decision. Back off and stop pestering”.

Basically he should have had your back but let you down at the worst time.

I would get everything that his parents asked your husband, and as he was excited at the idea, said to his parents that he'll have to talk to you, but he'll manage to convince you and so to go ahead and book.

The were very definitely very insensitive
in their timing.

It could be clumsy, could be they are irretrievably selfish.

Not worth destroying the remainder of your life over though try to see the bigger picture, if you can,
as they are part of your life regardless
whether you talk to them or not.

Just say ‘I wasn't able to think about holidays as I was away for dads funeral, I'm
sure you can imagine how hard it was.’ And leave it at that. If they can’t imagine then there will be no improving their behaviour. It they can imagine then maybe they will be less thoughtless
in future.

There are lots of factors to consider and now is not the time to make decisions that will harm yourself and others.
They let you live with them in the aftermath of your mother’s death. Letting adult children live with you is something lots of parents do but don’t dismiss what a strain it is, it’s a big imposition.
Booking the holiday was insensitive and did overstep a boundary.
These people have been very kind and helped you and they’ve done something wrong - look at the balance.
Do you dc want to go on this holiday - would cancelling it upset them?
When you are grieving it can feel like the world stops but other people’s world carries on turning.

It was very insensitive of your in laws to book it when they did, but surely you can see that they were trying to do something nice and instead of this being something to look forward to, you have turned it into a family rift.

I, personally, think that you should sit down and have a chat with them to explain how this made you feel at such a horrible time of your life, but I also do think that you have over-reacted and should apologise to them and see the holiday for what it was meant to be.

We all need something to look forward to when we are in our darkest times and I don't think that you are looking forward, in fact I think that you sound very angry and are fixated on what happened a year ago

i say this as someone who was in the midst of wedding planning when my DM (single parent) was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later, 3 months before our wedding, you are putting every bit of grief and blame onto your in laws.
you need to speak to a counsellor who can help you separate and deal with things separately.

Losing a parent is brutal. Your in laws shouldn’t have pestered you for an answer, but ultimately, that’s on your DH to field their questions and comms when you’re going through grief.

I don’t think the in laws should apologise for booking the holiday, they maybe hoped it would be something for you all to look forward to following your father’s passing.

Your in-laws shouldn't have gone ahead and booked a holiday for your family, without agreeing dates with you and your husband. They may have meant well, and perhaps they wanted to secure a place on the trip, but booking it without a discussion is wrong.

You were in the throws of your Dad being unwell, and his death, so weren't in the right frame of mind to make decisions. This is precisely why, your in-laws shouldn't have gone ahead.

This holiday situation should have been put on the back burner until you felt able to deal with it. Instead it's become a much bigger issue than it ever was, because you feel this overshadowed your loss. You feel your husband has concentrated on the holiday, the fact you're refusing to go and you refusing contact with his parents, rather than support you through your grief.

I do think you've blown the situation out of proportion and that's to do with the fact you're grieving. However, your husband should have told his parents, when they went ahead with booking the holiday, that they should have waited until you were able to discuss it properly. At that point, I'm sure they could have cancelled it, without financial loss or minimal loss.

Your husband is partly to blame and so are your in-laws. I don't think this is a reason to go no contact with your in-laws though. I also don't think you should be stopping your children from going on the holiday (none of this is their fault). Your in-laws made an error of judgement. Your husband is unsupportive of you full stop, and that's the real issue here, not your in-laws. If you don't want to go on the holiday, that's your choice.

I think they behaved thoughtlessly, however, going no contact over this is not something I would do.
I think you have conflated the grief of losing your dad with the anger you feel at their behaviour and have made this annoying behaviour into a totally disproportionate reaction.
it may well be that they had to lock in the deal in a certain time frame and they have behaved this way for a reason.
Please just suck it up - talk to your therapist about ‘transferring emotions’ or whatever it is you need to get you through this. It not worth breaking up a happy home over this.

You mention your DH's siblings so was it just your family having this generous opportunity or were wider family going? If wider family were going then that would explain the need to confirm dates for multiple travellers. If it was just your family then, clearly, it was meant to be a lovely thing. You sound like you have, and will continue to, find a problem with everything they do.

But, this was a year ago. You're stuck in a loop with this. However unreasonable it was to chase you at the time, them having to wait a year for an answer isn't helping anyone.

This is now primarily a marriage issue, not a holiday issue. How are you going to move things forward in your current life? Putting everything on hold in hope of an apology is giving them far too much power over you.. Put that to one side and focus on your marriage and whether you both still want to be in it. Never let big decisions in your own life hinge on what your MiL does or doesn't do - that way madness lies.

It's not been missed. People have said yes they were thoughtless. It happened. So now you'll ruin stuff for your kids because you're holding a grudge? Your payback to the in laws is worth more to you than your families happiness? This is bizarre. It maybe grief talking (and I'm so sorry you're an orphan now, it's a horrible horrible fact of life) but your behaviour now is supremely selfish.

A decent husband would have known and understood your grief and controlled his parents unreasonable impatience for an answer.

Typical weak man wouldn't do that, put himself first and is now threatening divorce if you don't toe the line.

Honestly OP, forget his parents.
The issue is do you want to remain married to a man who clearly hasn't got your back when the chips are down?

Yes they made a mistake about their timing.
But because in your mind you think you are right you are holding on to that mistake.

What me and the other posters are trying to explain is don't make the mistake of being stubborn with your anger to the point where it breaks your marriage. I honestly don't think that will be a good decision and you won't be helping yourself.
The holiday will help you, mentally. I wish you all the best.

I have to say I agree with this.

I get that you are grieving you have lost both your parents. But now you want to separate your husband from his whilst they are alive...

They were clumsy, but well intentioned. In the kindest way you may need help before you blow up your life forever.