AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Your PIL overstepped and sound a bit controlling, but I think the bottom line is are you prepared to get divorced over it. It doesn’t matter how many MNers say you are right. They are your DH DP.

I voted you are being unreasonable because ultimately I believe your in-laws had good intentions. Timing was shocking yes, but not manipulative.
Your husband is the biggest issue here!

Where does it say that she didn't visit her father?

Maybe they acknowledged that after 3 months of grief the children and husband could benefit from a break going on a safari. But they couldn’t leave OP out so asked her too of course, as any polite person would because OP could also use a break a year after.

But no, nasty bullies they are. Logic.

The problem with ultimatums is you may find you don’t like the answer. Your DH’s ultimatum makes it very clear that for the rest of your marriage he will never have your back and will always side with his parents. Loyalty means a lot to me so I absolutely couldn't accept this and it would be marriage ending for me.

I say this with love having been through some serious trauma and insensitive inlaws myself. You need to get your shit together. You are tying all of this into the grief and strain of your fathers death and massively confusing the issues.. Yeah, their timing sucked and they should and could have backed off on reserving the trip until you were in a better place mentally. But why are you continuing to beat this dead horse? It is only hurting you and your marriage and your kids. You do not have to go on the trip, but you need to find a way to move on and stop wallowing in it. Are you in therapy?

That’s quite strongly worded but you are not the odd one out. Over 60% think OP IBU.

Im going to be blunt here but from what you've said they didn't harass you at all it was your husband doing all the harassing and from the sound of it he hadn't given them a firm answer hence they were still asking him not you.
This whole mess is your husbands mess and you transferring the anger of your grief onto them when you should be placing some of it on your husband and the rest on life itself

I agree with this.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad.
I think you are grieving and it is clouding your judgement.
I think ending your marriage over this would be absolutely unreasonable.
How is your marriage, otherwise.
Is your husband alright with you, financially, emotionally ?
If yes.
Then causing him grief over a decision his parents mis handled is wrong.
If your marriage ended, I think that would really effect your mental health because the stress of a relationship ending is very traumatic. (You lose a partner in your life that you rely on.)
If other than this decision, your Parent-in- Laws have otherwise been good to you, I would forgive this mistake of theirs. I think the holiday would do you good after the grief you have been through.
I honestly think by holding onto this grudge you would only be doing yourself harm.
Yes, they booked a holiday at the wrong time but it was for the next year, many months away. They had to book in advance.
I am a single parent to 4 children and both my parents have passed away.
My mom passed away last year August and if my children had said they wanted to go on holiday this year, I would have taken them, instead of getting angry and saying but my mom passed away last year.
You are angry and don't want to let that anger go. When I get angry, I have to force myself to let go of that anger because otherwise that takes over.
Please, be grateful for the people you have around you. Remember the people you had in your life but don't let the grief take over.
Don't break up a marriage because you don't went to let go of the blame you are feeling.
Sometimes its so easy to think I'm right and that feeling just takes over.
I hope you will overcome this feeling of blaming your in laws. You are lucky that they can afford to pay for your family's holiday, it will also help your mental health, you need a break. Treat it as therapy for yourself.
I wish you all the best.

It sounds like this has been a terrible situation for you. However, in your grief and unhappiness I believe you have blown this way out of proportion. Do you have a therapist? It may be helpful for you to talk to someone to process your feelings.

yes I agree I think you're taking your grief anger out on your in laws, I don't think what they did was that bad to be honest

They were paying for the trip.

What about your own flexibility and understanding of the rest of your family’s needs? Zero, I’d say.

YANBU and I'm shocked that 61% of responses say that you're in the wrong. Your ILs didn't have any pressure to 'secure dates' - you hadn't even been asked at that point whether you wanted to go on some bloody safari, let alone when! Given that your DF was dying, anyone with even an ounce of kindness or empathy would've shelved the idea of a holiday indefinitely to allow for the situation to play out without you being put under pressure to make decisions about something as unimportant as a family holiday.

I'm sorry your 'D'H and ILs are such insensitive arseholes

Your DH can't understand how you feel because you have lost both parents and his parents are still alive. My DH doesn't understand why 14 years after my Mum died I still get upset sometimes and miss her. He can't understand because his Mum is still alive. I think they were wrong to pester you with this when your Dad was so ill and immediately afterwards because it took away from you focusing entirely with your grief. When my Mum died I had been living in her house for five weeks helping my sisters to care for her. I rang DH very upset and crying and told him Mum had died. His first words were oh when will you be coming home again. I have never quite forgiven him for those words. When you feel raw from grief you are sensitive to everything people say to you. I'd tell him he and DC go on holiday you need time alone to come to terms with your still raw grief.

Why wouldnt you say yes to this?
If they were bothering you so much and taking time away from your dad, wouldnt it be easier to just say "yes its a year away, ill not turn it down"
Or do you actually not want to go with them?

You want to punish your husband and his parents for arranging an expensive holiday for all your family following the death of your beloved father.
I’m not surprised your DH has given you an ultimatum. You are being extremely foolish.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it was a bit oversteppy of them to book for you all without everyone's agreement, but other than that I think you're massively over-reacting - it's not like they wanted you to go away while your dad was very unwell, or straight after he'd died.

Blimey you sound hard work. With kindness you need some counselling.

This…. all of this. They sound like they have been absolutely nothing but lovely and selfless maybe a little impatient with the timing of mentioning it to you but certainly no malice or ill intent I genuinely do not understand what your problem is in this?? WHY do you not want to go so badly??

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your in laws were trying to do a nice and kind thing, and they got it utterly, totally and mindblowingly wrong, in a way that made you feel violated and attacked just when you were at your absolute lowest. That is a tragedy. Not a lot of people could forgive that, but some could. Only you can decide.

If you can't forgive them then you should get a divorce. You may want to consider getting a divorce either way as clearly DH is not on board with the idea of having your back and being on your side, but you might be able to forgive him that too.

What you cannot do and shouldn't attempt is staying married whilst staying NC with them.

It sounds like your DH really wants to go on this holiday. I suspect he told them to just go ahead and book it, and thought you’d agree to it later. That backfired when you doubled down, refusing to go on the holiday and going NC with ILs. You haven’t left him anywhere to go. Only you know whether he’ll follow through with his divorce threat if you can’t flex, but the marriage sounds shaky so it’s very possible.

I was also about to quote @Meadowfinch 's post from 11.09.

I am really sorry you had such a difficult time in your Dad's final weeks. I get it. I had lost both my parents at a younger age than you are. I get that anger is a natural part of grief.
What I don't get is why you are prepared to lose your marriage and extended family over this misplaced anger.

On a later post you said
Whilst this is by far and away the most extreme example of my in-laws having a complete disregard for me and wildly overstepping boundaries, it is not the only example

Seriously? If you think Grandparents kindly taking their ds, dil and grandchildren on Safari for two weeks almost a year after their dil's father has died is the most extreme example you can think of, then you don't have an in-law problem.
When my Dad was in hospital just before he died, my dh took over the "thinking" and decisions for us as a couple. I was incredibly appreciative of his love for me in doing that. No, I might not have made all the same choices as he did, but I really appreciated beig able to give my time to my Dad and not worry about everyday decisions during that period.

YABVU to collapse your marriage over this stubbornness.
Find yourself some therapy or counselling for your grief. Anger is a part of that cycle very commonly, and it is also common for it to be aimed at the wrong person.
I hope you can come to see that before you drive all your family away.

I suppose so, i just don’t really understand why there was any drama anyway. and i definitely don’t understand why it’s still such a massive problem. and i don’t mean that in a dismissive way, i just genuinely don’t understand.

I think they were a bit insensitive, but that your reaction is disproportionate and that your grief has skewed your perspecitive on this. Honestly, I think going no contact is extreme and everyone should apologise and move on. I'm sorry for your loss, OP.