AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Why on earth did the in-laws put so much pressure on her to accept?
Are they the kind of rich people who are rich because they're tight and this was a time-limited offer?
They sound like a headache.

Is going away for a bit after the death of your father really such a bad thing?? I would’ve been so grateful if someone had done that for me after the death of my mother. But that’s me.

As someone who has lost both parents in the last few years, one extremely unexpected i still feel YABU.

Sorry, your grief does not trump your childrens opportunities. Your grief does not transcend onto everyone elses future. This wasnt taking them away whilst a funeral was happening. This was for the following year. Prices need to be sorted, budgets, holidays time off etc etc.

Whilst i expect no one has a right to question your grief and what you need, you have very little appreciation of how much they helped you previously and even though you may see it as heartless, they are still thinking of ways to give you some relief and joy further down the line.

Grieve your loss. Say goodbye to your father. Move on. Your children and your Husband are probably walking on eggshells trying not to get caught in the crossfire.

Your DH parents have done nothing other than think of how they can give your family something positive to look forward to and help you

I agree. I’m really shocked people behave like this.

Bullshit. The in-laws did what suited them.

@WiltedLettuce I had that thought too! I wouldn't be surprised.

But they didn’t insist she engage, they just got on with it. Some people are so ungrateful!

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. The way you described it I thought they'd booked a holiday for the time period in which your dad was dying in hospital - but it was for the following year. In the gentlest way you sound like you want to destroy your husband's relationship with his parents because you've lost yours. Therapy may help.

Thats not the point.. she said what she wanted, they did not care and did what they wanted anyway. Their character , how they handled it and not apologising tells me a lot more how ‘nice’ they really rather than booking a holiday. Booking a holiday makes them look good, image management… but look at how they have treated op. Look at thr character of the husband who against his wife and on their side.

They overstepped but it does all seem like a massive overreaction and it's been blown out of all proportion.

It’s statements like “they spent the weeks after my dad’s death demanding a final answer” that make you lose people, and indicate you’ve lost all sense of proportion. Do you mean to say that for three, four, five weeks after the funeral both these adults did nothing at all except demand that you say yes to their plan for a holiday? No, that’s not what you mean. What you probably mean is that every or every other time you spoke to them they’d bring up the holiday, or they’d text every few days asking for an answer, or they’d call your DH and ask him what you’d decided. Annoying and pestering, yes. VERY easy for you to shut it all down with a “no we’re not going” or “you take the kids I want to stay at home” or “you decide, I’m fine with whatever”. But you didn’t do any of that, you just stonewalled. All day, every day, for weeks, you chose not to let people get on with their lives. It’s brutal to hear, I know, but this was your and your sister’s dad’s death. Everyone else’s life goes on. They will have wanted an answer because they’ve got other things going on in their lives. It will have taken two minutes from you but you’ve blown this into a months-long saga ending in an ultimatum. And for what? What would it have cost you to say “I can’t think about this, you decide”? Why didn’t you say that at any point in the last few months? Seriously - why wouldn’t you have done the easiest and most logical and least stressful thing rather than pile more and more and more onto yourself and your marriage and your children and everyone frankly?

Tbf it doesn’t sound like she did decline it multiple times. It sounds like her PIL spoke to her DH (who wants to go) and he said he would speak to his wife (possibly letting them believe that she will love to go on a safari holiday the following year) and then a few days later they (presumptuously and inappropriately) booked it. That’s not declining multiple times. It’s not declining at all. We don’t know what the DH said - “I’ll have to check with DW but she will definitely be on board. It sounds amazing and just what we need” through to “no, mum, DW is really up to her neck at the moment and definitely won’t want to do that so it’s a no from us”. I don’t think the OP even knew about it when they booked - which is not great but it’s also not declining multiple times. Are the parents aresholes, or have they had a few wishy washy “I’ll talk to her soon but I’m sure it’s fine” messages from their ds? Even if you don’t think it’s lovely I’m surprised how many people think it’s a divorce and NC issue rather than an annoyance.

As always, I think this is a DH problem. It beggars belief that he didn’t have the balls to instruct his parents to back off and hold fire on any future plans until you were in a steady enough headspace to consider it. His priority should have been to help you manage what you need were going through, not to placate his parents - however generous the offer they were putting on the table. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Look, you obviously don’t like them or your DH very much and are set on holding on to this resentment; so maybe it’s best if you do divorce and then everyone can move on.

I don’t think anyone who thinks YABU has actually read anything you’ve said OP and certainly not understood it. Of course YANBU!!! The only thing I’d say is you should have given the full context of their dynamic in the first place as people just read the posts that have gone before, not yours, and don’t comprehend what’s actually going on here.

They asked, you said I can’t discuss it right now. It was wrong of them to ask you at that time in the first place. Then, due to their own self-absorption and selfishness, and lack of care or even awareness of your thoughts and feelings, did what they wanted to do anyway. You then said you weren’t going, clearly, multiple times. They refused to let it drop when your dad was actually dying and the weeks afterwards. That is horrific. They sound like selfish, nasty sociopaths to me. What kind of person harangues someone about this sort of thing at that time?!? That your husband doesn’t get that says it all.

It’s not just about this either, it’s the whole relationship dynamic over many many years of which this is just the final, horrible straw. If anything, you were unreasonable not to go no contact years ago, and divorce your husband when he didn’t stick up for you then. You’re better off without the lot of them. They’re the ones who are unhinged, not you.

OP reading your messages it's clear you are very linear in your views about what happened and want to defend your position rather than hearing what people are telling you.

I think you in-laws aren't perfect, but there is nothing that you have described that is insurmountable.

I also think your therapist should agree that your feelings are valid, but don't mistake that for thinking you are right. You have a right to feel the way you do but it doesn't mean you are more right to feel that way and therefore others are wrong.

You are 100% projecting your grief onto this situation. Going no contact for family booking a very expensive holiday for you and your family isn't logical.

You have dug in and it's making things worse. Grief is a very strange thing - and people react very differently with no right way of reacting. You wanted to be angry and upset and this situation coincided.

Have a convo with them, work it out and go on holiday - for the sake of your marriage and family.

You need a divorce more than anything else. Your husband has minimized your needs, feelings, and shown a complete lack of empathy whilst fiercely defending his parents and prioritizing their happiness over your own.

Forget his parents. As someone who is no contact with my own parents, I do think cutting contact over booking a holiday is too extreme, however, reading between the lines, there was guilt tripping, boundary crossing, and a complete refusal to apologize or repair the situation, then I have to think that there is a bigger personality issue at here. Had they been willing to apologize or at least acknowledge the stress they added to your life during such a painful time, then it would be a very different story. As it stands, you are basically being ganged up on by your husband and his family. How can you remain in this relationship?

A relationship is a two-way street. Your in-laws booked a holiday against your wishes at a time in your life when all you should have been doing was taking care of your father. I find that terribly selfish on their part. They now refuse to apologize for how they made you feel, and your husband just wants you to get over it. Nice.

I'm sorry, OP. You have been through a lot and deserve better.

Absolutely this.
Firstly, sorry for your loss
It is easy to under estimate the effect that pressurising someone who is watching a parent die can have. Its brutal.. so I don't think its fair for people to say.. oh but what they wanted wasn't wrong. It was absolutely wrong to pressurise you at a time like that. The fact that you are still so upset demonstrates this. Loss of a parent in difficult circumstances isn't something people get over in a few months.

You were put under tremendous pressure to agree to an expensive holiday with "deadlines" which you hadn't asked for in order to please other people at a time when you were going through a very very distressing and difficult time.

Rather than just say... Ok.. leave it. plan a simpler holiday when OP is feeling better and save the big safari job for later.

Instead, they all minimised what you were going through. Made it all your fault and continued to ask you for final answers when you had repeatedly said NO.
They have NO empathy.

They absolutely ought to apologise for this... they are clearly holding a grudge about not going on a stupid holiday.. For me it would be holiday be damned because it would bring up all this completely unnecessary unpleasantness that they caused. They didn't behave well.

Your DH is another matter. Is he spineless or does he actually agree with them.
He really wants a quiet life where you give in and everything goes back to normal. You don't actually know what his threapist has said, only what he says they said.

I think this situation has prolonged your recovery from grief and you could really do with some help regarding the bereavement first and foremost. I don't really have any advice on what to do about the DH and the In laws, but threats from DH are not helping the situation.

I hope you get some help from your family, you mentioned a sibling. Maybe you need a little break to visit them and talk things through. d

Agree with this ^

The holiday was booked for months after your father's death. Would you prefer it if everyone had a solemn time for ever more?

I think they should have waited to tell you until earlier this year.
Telling you whilst in the middle of your father’s illness and subsequent death was insensitive and handled badly.

I can see why they booked it. They thought that it would be a good thing for you and the children and suitably long enough after your father’s passing for you to be coming out of the raw grief of losing a parent.
It was done with good intentions although very insensitively handled

I can see why it angered you. Your df was lying on a hospital bed and fighting for his life and losing. You were in the middle of the painful grief of watching/hearing about your df and then his death, the funeral and the pain of your loss and they are telling you they have booked a fun trip.

I think you have to ask yourself that if they had never told you they had booked it and waited until Feb or March this year and said would you like them to book a trip for the summer holidays, or said they had found a holiday on line and it seemed to be such a good price that they booked it and apologised that they hadn’t asked you or dh first but just booked it there and then and then worried that having done that you might not get time off work, would you have thought differently of them.

I can’t make out what you are mostly annoyed about and why you dragged this on so long. A lifetime experience holiday is a very generous gift that most people would be grateful for. It’s a year after your father’s death not a couple of weeks.

I understand it was insensitive for them to be booking family holidays at a time of grief. They obviously wanted those weeks and the booking was clearly time sensitive.
It sounds like they then booked it with an option to cancel by a certain date and you just refused to entertain a conversation.

What is actually wrong with the holiday? Do you not want to go at all? Are you concerned about taking the children there? What is wrong with the dates that they picked? Is there actually a problem with the holiday or is it you cutting off your nose to spite your face because you weren’t consulted?

You do sound entrenched in your own grief and that is manifesting in drama that you are dragging on. I would find it hard to live in this environment and I can see why your husband is exasperated.

‘We’ve been married 20 years and they always been weird about both sides of the family spending time together. They turned up 2 hours late to our son’s first birthday party because they thought I would want to spend time with my family alone (my sister and her kids were the only other family who were able to make it). They also told my husband’s brother to turn up 2 hours late too, without us knowing about it.’

‘if my response upsets his mum she will give my husband the silent treatment for weeks and he will blame me for it. ‘

These people are highly manipulative. This is so familiar to me, OP.

They have successfully driven a wedge into your marriage and your husband is helping with that, now, too.

You must feel so trapped. :(

Maybe they are lovely; maybe she is high need. They still shouldn't have done this.

And why shouldnt it suit them? Does life get put on pause for the husband, the children and now the In Laws? How long must they wait. This was planning for a holiday the following year.

TBH if i was the DH i would just have said yes to the in laws at the first request and let OP grieve in her own time.

Why must the In Laws have to wait?