AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

They went about it in completely the wrong way. It was insensitive at best and cruel at worst. A safari holiday is the last thing a person is thinking of when their parent is dying, regardless of whether they would like to do it in the future. There was zero reason for them to harass you with such urgency over this and your DH is being incredibly insensitive.

Are you joking? If your partner’s parent was in the process of dying / had just died - you’d seriously be hassling them about booking a holiday for the following year?

But yeah the OP is the unhinged one here 😅😅

'My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.'

The IL's should have known that it wasn't a good time to ask.

She told them it wasn't a good time to ask.

They ignored her.

How long must they wait

Well, perhaps they could have waited until the funeral was over before bothering the OP about it? Or did they expect her to break off her tribute or interrupt the minister or officiant to discuss the ideal size of jeep?

It's almost farcical really. I couldn't imagine saying to the undertakers or caterers on the day of my DF's funeral "could you just hold on for a minute, my in laws want to talk about safaris" while they were trying to organise who was going in what funeral car or hand out drinks for the toast or whatever.

I often think some people must live in a different world from me.

Exactly. The mind boggles at the mentality of some on here. Hope they never become or are MILS.

Oh I agree. But they're not prepared to do that, so op has to decide how she is going to handle this.

The ops husband has set his stall out. He is prepared for this to cost his marriage. She can't change that. So how does she respond?

To be sensitive to op when her father was ill and dying. They should have just waited.

In the past, my work was often planned more than a year in advance so my family agreeing a holiday really wouldn’t have worked.

The time around the first anniversary of the death of a loved one isn’t the time I’d want to be on holiday.

The emotional blackmail from OPs husband is dreadful.

One thing that stood out was

last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents

and then

that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better

Surely if he thinks that your therapist only agrees with you because it is their job to make you feel better. Then surely the same is true for his therapist.
His therapist only think that his parents deserve an apology because it’s their job to make him feel better

Have you pointed out that his logic negates anything favourable his therapist says, does or thinks about the situation that puts him or his parents into a good light as the therapist is only doing it to make him feel better

I haven't read the whole thread. But for me it would ge the end of my marriage. If I don't have my husbands unconditional support during my hardest times then I don't want it at any time. It doesn't matter if you are being unreasonable or not to be honest, about the holiday, unless your inlaws came and said sorry,bwe wanted to secure the deal and thought we would ok it all cwehn you were not in the thick of grief, I could let it go, but denying the need for an apology and doubling down, just nope. You are not unreasonable to be so hurt, but you need ti place tye hurt where it lays, with your husband.

That’s fine, her and their right. If it turned out, once the dust settled, that the dates didn’t work for OP or the kids, they tell the in laws and don’t go. It was their choice to make a booking without consent, OP was free to take some time and give a decision, whatever it was.

And yet somehow now there have been months of no contact and a marriage on the line with divorce and children’s stable home on the line. Over what? What, exactly? Disrespect? Lack of regard? A holiday? It makes no sense to throw the baby out with the bath water. OP has lost both her parents and is now about to lose husband, in laws and part custody of her children - for what? Ten minutes thinking and a clear text or phone conversation? It’s madness.

Sometimes we can't control how we respond. I just couldn't be around and be expected to have a family relationship with people who would treat me in this way. With a lot of self discipline, I might manage surface level pleasantries at a family event for an hour or so but I certainly couldn't go on holiday with them. It would be unendurable to have to play 'happy families' in this way.

You are angry for the wrong reasons and you're blowing it out of proportion.

Its a little difficult to put the timescale together as op says he was ill for over 3 months. He died in the September, they organised the holiday in the August. DH said it was too difficult a time to get a answer from OP. OK, they are well off so they just booked it. I would too. Is it really malicious of them to do this?

TBH as i said earlier, i think DH could have just said yes and maybe with a caveat of DW may not be able to come and left OP to grieve without this hanging over anyone.

The children and the DH (and the OP), when everyone has grieved could have benefitted from a lovely break 6 months later. It didnt need to be all nastiness.

They contacted them ON THE DAY OF THE FUNERAL! Why, fgs, why? Who does this?

I am going to say something that a lot of people will disagree with but anyway- it may seem totally off the point but I feel that too much therapy can be a bad thing- particularly where it has been ongoing for a long time- when someone is being paid to listen to someone over a long period of time they are inclined to agree with and thereby validate their view

This. In fact at the risk of being insensitive I'd say the death was not a fundamental part of the problem. They said they were going to do something that directly affected the OP, she asked them not to, they went ahead.

This is the biggest over reaction I’ve ever read about!

They booked something very expensive and nice for you and your children so you’d have a nice holiday after a horribly traumatic period. Why on Earth can’t you discuss a possible holiday just because your dad is unwell - I have been there and was able to converse normally and make future plans!

What a mess, op get some therapy, you have loads of unresolved issues in your head and then think about what’s important to you and your loved ones. You are in no fit state to be making any decisions atm.

But they did. The OP said they messaged the DH the day after the funeral. That can take a whole number of contexts.

"Hello son, how did yesterday go. Give our love to OP and we hope things get easier. Oh BTW we just went ahead and booked the holiday. Dont worry OP about it for now, let her grieve". We can sort details out later."

Can still be construed as chasing the DH the next day.

They didnt from what i have read

YABU, and I say that from someone who has experienced the type of loss and grief you have. This would be an amazing experience for you all.

The day after my dad’s funeral I was told they needed a final answer on it so they didn’t lose their deposit.

Based on OPs posts, no one did.

Imagine turning a free really wonderful holiday into something nasty and even divorcing over it. It’s madness.

I know what loss is like, it’s absolutely horrible. But at the time you could have just said yes (they only wanted a yes or no by the sounds of it) and let them and your DH sort out the details.

Would your mum & dad want their deaths to be the cause of all this madness? Wake up. Move on. Life goes on and you need to make the best of what you still have. Which soon will not be much the way you act.

I think this is a kind and pragmatic response. It seems a shame to ruin a relationship over this.

I’m with you OP. I think they hugely overstepped the mark. Who wants to discuss holiday dates when one of the people you love most in the world is dying. From the sounds of it, if they had taken the pressure off you might have agreed when in a better frame of mind but pushing the issue just made it worse. I couldn’t be with a man like your DH. I want my partner to be a team player and support me. He doesn’t need to understand the issue he just needs to be on my side and support me through what sounds like an incredibly difficult time. I couldn’t forgive this behaviour either.