To stop taking my DD’s forgotten school things in to her?

[AmpleLemonReader]

I know 12 isn’t 5 but I am getting to the point where I feel like I am DDs school bag, if that makes sense. She has always been forgetful, PE kit, maths book, reading book, jumper, lunch, occasionally her phone. School is only about 8 minutes away so until recently I would just take whatever it was in. It has become a habit really. She will sometimes shout from upstairs asking where something is instead of looking herself, and I realise I have probably trained her into that as well.

I have recently changed jobs and I have to be in for 8.30 now. I have already been late twice because DD has rung me from school wanting something brought in. I can’t keep leaving work or turning round when I am meant to be starting. There have been mornings where she is still getting dressed while I am making lunches and checking my own things for work, then she suddenly says she needs something for school when I am literally walking out the door. This morning she left her science homework folder on the kitchen table and rang at about 8.05 saying she needed it and that the teacher had said she would get a detention.

I said no, I wasn’t bringing it. She got really upset and said “you’ll get me in trouble” and that I was setting her up to get in trouble. I asked her afterwards exactly what happens if she forgets something and apparently there is a consequence, but it isn’t a big detention for one forgotten folder. More a lunchtime catch up or being told off and having to sort it out. So I do think she has made it sound worse because she knows I usually rescue her. I don’t want her sitting there terrified all day over one folder, but I also don’t think every uncomfortable consequence needs to be removed by me.

And yes, I know I have created some of this myself. Every time she has forgotten something I have taken it in, partly because it is easier than listening to the panic and partly because I can’t stand the thought of her being embarrassed. But now she expects it. She doesn’t even seem to check her bag properly because she knows if something is missing I will bring it. Looking back, I think I have confused being a helpful mum with preventing any consequences for her. She knows I hate seeing her upset, and she has learned that ringing me normally fixes it. I honestly don’t know where the line is between helping and making her incapable of doing basic things herself.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I, especially if she is going to get a sanction. But I am not just sitting at home with nothing to do anymore. I am meant to be at work, and it is not five minutes when I have to turn round, park, go into reception and then get back. DH says I am making a mountain out of something small and that school is already stressful enough without me refusing to help. I can see that side of it, but I also need to get to work on time and keep my job. Also I’m not saying she has to be perfect.

DS is 9 and somehow manages his own bag. He has packed it himself since Year 3 and will check for his reading book and PE kit without being asked. I know children are different and I am not comparing them to make DD feel bad, but honestly it does wind me up when DS is more independent and I am still checking DD has remembered everything. I have tried checklists on the front door and putting PE days on the fridge. Sometimes she uses them and sometimes she just walks straight past them. She is perfectly capable of remembering things she really cares about, which is probably why I get so frustrated. Maybe I have got too used to doing it for her.

The PE thing has annoyed me most. Last week she deliberately left her PE kit by the front door because she didn’t want PE. Then she texted me from school saying “they’ll phone you” and asking me to bring it. I didn’t. They didn’t phone. She had to sit out and apparently got a minor sanction for not having kit. That felt different from genuinely forgetting because she had actually made a decision not to take it. She came home afterwards absolutely fine, by the way. She wasn’t traumatised or anything, which made me wonder if I have been worrying about the consequences more than she actually needs me to.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

So AIBU to stop taking her forgotten things in? I keep going backwards and forwards because part of me thinks this is exactly how you teach independence, but another part thinks I am making her school life harder just to prove a point. DH says I am being unnecessarily strict and should just help her. I honestly can’t tell anymore if refusing to rescue her is reasonable parenting or if I am being stubborn. I don’t want to turn this into some battle of wills. I want her to manage school herself, but I also don’t want to look back and think I should have helped her when I could have.

Oh she should definitely be able to get her own bag packed and check she has everything needed by 12. I’d be taking a hard stance on this.

If husband says it’s fine for an item to just be dropped to her then he’s made the promise and he can follow through. If it’s too difficult for him then it’s too difficult for you.

I’d give one reminder the night before for her to check the checklist and prepare, it’s on her to do it after that and your conscience can be free that you’ve not completely abandoned all responsibility.

If she’s not getting ready quick enough in the morning then no phone/tv/distraction until she’s completely ready for school. No ‘in a minute’ allowed if people are trying to get out the door. A week of this worked wonders on my younger kids, now they have tv privileges back in the morning but still manage to get ready on time with minimal cajoling.

Unless medically necessary I wouldn’t be taking anything into school that is forgotten. Let her get the demerit or detention or whatever the consequence is. If it’s embarrassing or she misses out then she’ll learn the lesson sooner. If it’s still an ongoing issue then punishment can extend to home too.

Sounds harsh and I’m normally the same as you, quite laid back and if I can do something to help my kids then why wouldn’t I. But she’s taking the piss out of you at this point. And long term it’s setting her up to fail and blame others for it.

I am intrigued by your comment @AmpleLemonReader that if you didn't bring in whatever it was, she would be sitting 'terrified': do they do detention in the Forbidden Forest?
I really feel old reading these responses, as soon as we reached seniors ( in the year we reached 11years old) we were responsible for our own stuff, we were much more independent I suppose, having been expected to go out and play all day and just come back for meals.

Sit down at the weekend and discuss with her. Be clear that you aren't able to take stuff in because it's not possible with your new job. If your partner feels like someone should be taking stuff in, he can do it (which I assume he won't be able to, like you now can't!)

Help her put strategies into place to remember what to take, and then stop taking stuff in. Stuff like a set location for everything she's taking, packing bag the night before, colour coding folders for homework/days, a spare set of some stuff at home so she won't move them out of her bag or can leave them at school (eg pencil case, paper pad, water bottles for sports). Also need a getting home routine for putting stuff away on that end too, so you're not searching for lost homework or jumpers.

I'd try a dropping off approach, where you sit down with her and write a list of what she needs every day (do two if she's got an A week and B week).
Week 1, you sit with her and go through the list as she packs her bag the night before, point out anything she misses. Watch her put everything in, no loose items. If she takes stuff separately (eg pe bag), then she needs a fixed place to put her packed bag plus those extras, which will need to be left empty when she leaves (eg a box or a peg). Watch her as she gets her stuff and point out if she leaves a bag etc.
Week 2 you sit and watch, but she taken the responsibility for packing, so if she's forgotten anything you say something like 'you might want to check the list again'. When leaving you ask something like 'have you got everything?' But no reminders about specific stuff.
Week 3, you get her to do it in her own, then bring her bag to the set location and tell you she's all done.
Week 4 you leave her to it!

This could be accompanied by something like a fine system, where if she forgets something that you have to bring, she looses some money off her pocket money (essentially paying you for your time to deliver it) . But you don't bring anything non-essential, and she accepts the punishments from school for not having those items.

May also be a good idea for her to have some kinda of physical planner to help keep track of homework assigned and when it's due. Could also work in an incentive for if it goes well and she goes a full half term without forgetting anything.

I'd also consider, particularly given the new gov guidance on schools not allowing mobile phones, that you don't answer her messages/calls once she's at school. If anything urgent happens school will call you. If she's on her way she can come back and collect what she's forgotten.

Put a speaking alarm on her phone so it will go off 3 minutes before she leaves for school. Have it read out "PE kit" or "science folder" or whatever is needed for that day.

If she is consistently forgetting her PE kit, and your DH thinks it's no big deal to bring it to school for her, leave her PE kit in the boot of his car. There is no way you can bring it in for her if it's in his car, he will have to leave work.

Has your daughter started food tech class yet? Will she be forgetting to tell you she needs all the ingredients to make a lasagna from scratch until it's 11pm on a Sunday? I did that to my mum once and still feel guilty for making her scramble in the morning to get me everything.

Your DD sounds very much like me at that age - except I didn’t have mum as a back up so I had to face the consequences every single time.

You know her best so you’re best placed to navigate how much support or not she’ll need. I hated getting detention for forgetting stuff - but I didn't, in fact, ‘learn my lesson’ and I wish mum had been able to bail me out sometimes. It was stressful and I needed some grace, not always punishment.

And I needed help to put strategies in place, not just left to my own devices assuming I’d figure it out.

I think you need to work together to start with. Restart with the checklist - make a new one together if you have to - talk about being ready 10 minutes before you are now, go through the checklist together to start with but not you taking responsibility, just keeping her on track. Maybe get the bag ready the night before. See what works and what doesn’t - I know some of those wouldn’t have worked for me so it’ll be a trial and error.

Then you can suss out what’s genuine forgetfulness and what’s laziness - I would support her fully if it’s a genuine forgetting problem but if it’s just a deliberate ‘mum will do it later’ then that needs addressing.

Tough love, only something like medication in future. Will be painful to begin with I appreciate.

I can definitely see both sides of this. I was hugely forgetful as a teen (turns out I have ADHD) and my Mum was forever stepping in to bail me out. But then sometimes she wouldn’t, and she would give no warning about when she was going to remove support ‘so I could learn to get on with it’. She also gave no support to help me build better executive function skills. So sometimes she wouldn’t help, sometimes she would yell at me that I needed to grow up and learn, and either way never taught me how to ‘grow up’.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to stop bailing her out like you have been. I do think you’d be unreasonable to withdraw the support you’ve been providing, without warning and without helping her build the background skills to become more responsible.

I would have done it once, after that definitely not, she’s become too reliant on you, at 12 she can pack her bag the night before and get organised. She’ll soon learn when she starts getting into trouble.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes.

Well tell DH to take her stuff in. Oh wait, is he working? Oh no, you are working too!

DD will have to learn the hard way.

I would have brought in forgotten stuff the first and mmaaaayyyybeeee a second time if it was something super important.
if she regularly forgets she should sit down and make a list of what she needs each school day and night before she checks the list for next day. Then again first thing in the morning. My kid is grade 2 and he manages his own stuff. He forgot something as was a new (process) that was introduced this school year one of the first few days of the year and since he hasn’t forgotten it (I didn’t bring it as didn’t know he forgot it and no one rang; also wouldn’t have brought it if I knew as would have a minimal impact on his learning). I also find that the school is aware kids forget and they have some solutions (ie forgotten PE kit- grab from the lost and found then return, etc).

Your DH needs to back you up. He’s encouraging your daughter to treat you like a maid and everyone, including you, is acting as if you being late for work doesn’t matter, when it really does.

You need to sit them both down, separately, DH first, and tell them clearly you are absolutely not doing this any more.

Aye, he’s not inconvenienced, is he?

He’d soon change his tune if he was.

your dd doesn't have to remember stuff as you pick up the pieces when she forgets

let her forget and let her sort it out, she will learn quicker and better that way

ask her how she could help herself

don't organise her

let her work out how to organise herself

ask her how she might succeed in remembering stuff

but for goodness sake stop being the solution, let her find and work out her own solutions

how far away does your husband work? Could she phone him?

I don't think it's helpful to go from everything to nothing overnight.

Night before : DD come nad make sure your bag is packed.

She comes, go through it together.

She says "later!" you say no, now, or you're doing it alone and I won't be bringing in anything you forget.

DS is 9- he does at least part of each and every packed lunch. That was the deal when he stopped wanting school dinners so often. And, definitely the night before as much as practically possible. Although we also have the executive function fail of not being able to decide what he wants to contend with and feeling overwhelmed by having to decide

Tell your husband to do it himself if he thinks you’re being that ridiculous. She needs to check her bag the night before and be more organised. She has learned that it doesn’t matter because mum just drops it off for her.

If you don't make DCs (not with issues) responsible right from toddler (tiny bits) then this is what happens later. Is DH expecting you going to her place of work to take stuff she has forgotten?

I'm sure years ago, in the main when kids forgot things they got "told off" and remembered next time. All without the parent (mum) feeling obliged to get so involved?

So.. only had time to read your replies OP so apologies if this is repeating.
We had the same thing.
Get your DH on board. Its no good Mr KnowAll lecturing you about what you should do, when its something he won't do himself. He needs to butt out, and back you up.. and DD in an encouraging non telling off way, or none of this will work.

DH constantly telling you and her that it's your job. has to stop. Its very undermining and is confirming to your DD that she's right and you are wrong so she doesn't need to listen to you. And that is bad news for the next teen stage.

Dont feel bad about detentions etc..Let her do them. It will help her learn and then you can say.. I have to help you in a different way now.

Some kids take a while to settle into Secondary..I wonder if she's actually anxious because she feels she's always in trouble, its actually quite distracting for them, and you are tackling this at a good stage.

My DC was always always flagged for forgetting things.
On the practical side. Here's the tried and tested. Operating on the Place for everything and everythign in its place

• Pin board/fridge with timetable.. and a print out with what was needed on what day.
• pictures of timetable on their phone.. and set reminders "PE tomorrow, pack kit
• We had a homework clipboard. kept on her homework spot. with basket.
• If they have a second hand uniform ting at school.. then PE spares. so you have a PE kit for when the first one is missing for a week. Also a spare pencil case/extra pens.

Places.

• vA go basket by the door to put everything in when you come in. Keys. Bus Pass etc.
• A designated peg for the school coat ( plus a bag with the winter hat etc)
• Shoes go there as soon as they get in.
• Uniform hanger or chair.

Routines printed up where they can see em Fridge, front door? Coming home routine eg

• Snack and chat.
• Write on clipboard. what homework. When's it due, whens the best time to do it.
• Set up phone reminders. and things like PE checklist on her phone.

A getting ready for tomorrow routine.

• Bag pack routine.
• What do you need for tomorrow. (and I had a checklist for that)
• Pack lunch for tomorrow...Note on fridge to put in bag.

A going to bed routine -

• including laying out all the clothes.

Morning Getting to school on time routine

• lunchbox out of the fridge and in your bag
• Dont forget a,b,c - this was a note by front door if there was something unusual and I used to make em stop and think through what they needed just before they walked out.

It was always the shoes that made us late.. there'd be one upstairs and one in the garden.. then there would be panic. no time to think. no time for proper breakfast. Id get a tracker for her school bag too.

It's all a bit of a pain at the beginning but they do get the hang of it... and then you can be less hands on. strong Encouragement and reward when they have a good week. Climb back on the horse when they slip up.

It took quite a lot of nagging to get started. And then they started doing it for themselves. I realised that I'd never had any kind of routine at all growing up when I was at school, no training and I really struggled and was left to blunder through with no help or support, always apologising for this or that and told off for being useless. It can really have an impact.
Your DD is lucky that she's got you there to back her up, but it has to be in a way that works for you and makes her more independent. Its all training really. I got this organisation plan from FlyLady, and from Dyslexia Action. It was an eye opener for me. This will probably come across as very basic to many, but I thought it was a good idea to tell you exactly what worked.

I sold it to DC by reminding them that apologising for being late or forgetting or not being on top of things really dented your confidence and put you on the back foot and if you do something say 3 times, then teachers automatically think you always do it, so you have to work harder to change their minds. The idea that they were in charge of managing the situation and could be in control of it really sold it to them.

It was a great moment for me at parents evening when instead of having constant focus on them forgetting everything, the music teacher said she'd seen their don't forget checklist in their bag on a school ski trip and they were the only kid who always had all their items and didn't have to go back to base. I was so proud because I'd been envisaging that they'd lose everything. (also indicated that there were lots of others who forgot things too, so your DD is not alone) You will get on top of this and you will both get there x

When I was at school there were kids who treated forgot stuff. Continually told off, detentions etc. It didn't make any difference. In retrospect they came from either chaotic, neglectful homes or had undiagnosed ADHD.

Unfortunately you have enabled this behaviour but I think you realise this now

your dh is ridiculous btw. No way could I regularly skive off just because my child left something behind

mine are y9 and y7. I’ve never taken anything to high school which is a similar distance to yours.

however I’m currently insisting that y7 boy (y9 boy now does it without prompting) that his bag is ready every single night before bed. That does cause a bit of general stress and sometimes he has a panic in the morning but he’s not left anything important at home yet and he’s got adhd and really not well organised at all. You’re going to have to switch her phone off and go through it with her every night, and not by shouting out various things. Move the checklist to her room if that’s where most of her stuff is?

I’m from years ago and I promise you that’s not globally true. I hated being ‘told off’ and I often cried in the toilets or spent much of the day in a state of high anxiety but, by and large, I did not remember next time. Or if I did, I forgot it the time after that. Sometimes it’s not that easy - we want it to be but it’s not. I’m ironing it out slowly in my adulthood, but I so wish someone had understood that when I was a kid.

I’m sorry but she’s in the FAFO section of her life, this is a character building moment - you forget it it’s your own fault.

Personally I work from home, the high school is 15 min away. If mine called saying i’ve forgotten PE kit I would remind that that is a then problem they are 12 in my case 13/16 and it’s their PE kit, their timetable. Your responsibility ended when your washed dried & sorted their PE kit - I don’t put PE kit in my 10yo bag he does it himself

1 of my mantras through the kinda 12y + zone of parenting when someone says oh they are only 12! Well 150 years ago they would have been out in service/down the mines

This is why we have a generation of kids who are unable to function 🤯

Yes it is definitely more than 5 minutes, which I have tried explaining to DH.

I wouldn't bother explaining about how much work is involved, I would focus on the need to ensure DD develops independence. It may seem like she's still a kid but in a year she'll be choosing GCSEs that will, to some extent, guide her future path, a couple of years after that she'll be old enough to deal with her own medical issues, choose A levels or equivalent, have sex. Another year and she may be choosing a uni and degree subject. And a year after that she'll be an adult, heading to uni or into a job. Developing personal responsibility is a critical step before she can develop other forms of independence and successfully make that transition, with all those critical decisions, all the way through to adulthood. So she really needs to be getting on with this NOW.

I think it's potentially worrying that you are having to argue with DH about this at all. He seems to see your role as facilitating ease in everyone's life but your own. Are there other issues arising with the new job?