To stop taking my DD’s forgotten school things in to her?

[AmpleLemonReader]

I know 12 isn’t 5 but I am getting to the point where I feel like I am DDs school bag, if that makes sense. She has always been forgetful, PE kit, maths book, reading book, jumper, lunch, occasionally her phone. School is only about 8 minutes away so until recently I would just take whatever it was in. It has become a habit really. She will sometimes shout from upstairs asking where something is instead of looking herself, and I realise I have probably trained her into that as well.

I have recently changed jobs and I have to be in for 8.30 now. I have already been late twice because DD has rung me from school wanting something brought in. I can’t keep leaving work or turning round when I am meant to be starting. There have been mornings where she is still getting dressed while I am making lunches and checking my own things for work, then she suddenly says she needs something for school when I am literally walking out the door. This morning she left her science homework folder on the kitchen table and rang at about 8.05 saying she needed it and that the teacher had said she would get a detention.

I said no, I wasn’t bringing it. She got really upset and said “you’ll get me in trouble” and that I was setting her up to get in trouble. I asked her afterwards exactly what happens if she forgets something and apparently there is a consequence, but it isn’t a big detention for one forgotten folder. More a lunchtime catch up or being told off and having to sort it out. So I do think she has made it sound worse because she knows I usually rescue her. I don’t want her sitting there terrified all day over one folder, but I also don’t think every uncomfortable consequence needs to be removed by me.

And yes, I know I have created some of this myself. Every time she has forgotten something I have taken it in, partly because it is easier than listening to the panic and partly because I can’t stand the thought of her being embarrassed. But now she expects it. She doesn’t even seem to check her bag properly because she knows if something is missing I will bring it. Looking back, I think I have confused being a helpful mum with preventing any consequences for her. She knows I hate seeing her upset, and she has learned that ringing me normally fixes it. I honestly don’t know where the line is between helping and making her incapable of doing basic things herself.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I, especially if she is going to get a sanction. But I am not just sitting at home with nothing to do anymore. I am meant to be at work, and it is not five minutes when I have to turn round, park, go into reception and then get back. DH says I am making a mountain out of something small and that school is already stressful enough without me refusing to help. I can see that side of it, but I also need to get to work on time and keep my job. Also I’m not saying she has to be perfect.

DS is 9 and somehow manages his own bag. He has packed it himself since Year 3 and will check for his reading book and PE kit without being asked. I know children are different and I am not comparing them to make DD feel bad, but honestly it does wind me up when DS is more independent and I am still checking DD has remembered everything. I have tried checklists on the front door and putting PE days on the fridge. Sometimes she uses them and sometimes she just walks straight past them. She is perfectly capable of remembering things she really cares about, which is probably why I get so frustrated. Maybe I have got too used to doing it for her.

The PE thing has annoyed me most. Last week she deliberately left her PE kit by the front door because she didn’t want PE. Then she texted me from school saying “they’ll phone you” and asking me to bring it. I didn’t. They didn’t phone. She had to sit out and apparently got a minor sanction for not having kit. That felt different from genuinely forgetting because she had actually made a decision not to take it. She came home afterwards absolutely fine, by the way. She wasn’t traumatised or anything, which made me wonder if I have been worrying about the consequences more than she actually needs me to.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

So AIBU to stop taking her forgotten things in? I keep going backwards and forwards because part of me thinks this is exactly how you teach independence, but another part thinks I am making her school life harder just to prove a point. DH says I am being unnecessarily strict and should just help her. I honestly can’t tell anymore if refusing to rescue her is reasonable parenting or if I am being stubborn. I don’t want to turn this into some battle of wills. I want her to manage school herself, but I also don’t want to look back and think I should have helped her when I could have.

I told both of mine at secondary that I would bring something in once - it was usually a lanyard - but that was it. And that was "I will come one time only" not, each item once 😜

They both managed to remember what they needed after their one time or dealt with the outcome. Their sister will have the same next year when she goes.

Where is the incentive to remember for yourself if your mum always saves the day??

I think it's better to check things the night before and get bags packed ready. It can be the last thing before bedtime. She should do the list herself which you can check and DH should be involved in helping her to go through it at first until she can do it all herself. She needs to understand that due to your job you can't easily drop things off any more.

Check the list and get everything ready the night before....less stress in the morning

Youre doing your child an actual disservice by not enabling her own self confidence and capacity.

Stop taking things in for her.

YANBU, just take a step back and she'll learn. My DC has never asked me to take anything in, they just crack on with the consequences and try to do better. I've been pretty hands off since they started secondary school. I say this as a parent to a child who is pretty sloppy around the house but now seems very capable of organising themselves for school! It's rarely an issue

Same approach here. No bloody way am I schlepping into school. I won't be schlepping into work when she's 28. If she forgets something, there's a consequence at school. That's on her.

Yes this is basically what I said to DH, that me being late for work apparently doesn’t count as a consequence because it’s only me. He said he can’t take things in because he’s already out working by then, so it would still fall to me. We do try to get things ready the night before but DD is very much “I’ll do it in a minute” and then forgets. I think I have probably made it worse by always sorting it in the morning anyway. Fair point about her getting me in trouble though, I hadn’t really thought of it like that.

Can you imagine the chaos if every parent in a secondary school was nipping in with forgotten items?

Unless there is a reason for her lack of organisation skills such as executive function difficulties as a PP said then you are just enabling this. Learned helplessness.
DS seems organised but maybe has a different attitude or approach.

Sounds like you’ve tried to help her to be organised but there’s no incentive as you’ve always just taken her things for her. She also seems selective in what she remembers/ leaves.

I’d put a corkboard or whiteboard in her room with a timetable and checklist. Maybe a board or sticky note on the door as she leaves for last minute items , from the fridge for e.g., that she is responsible for.
She should pack her bag the night before.

I am curious does your dh drop forgotten things to school or is that your job solo?

As others said she needs to prepare her bag the night before. For a couple of weeks call out what is needed from the list on the fridge. She places each item on a cleared table and then once the check list is finished then she packed it all in her bag and the bag goes next to front door.

Im getting the message from your post that your gut tells you that you need to step back to allow her to develop independence and start taking more responsibility for her own belongings but as you’ve always bailed her out, you feel guilty telling her you can’t do it anymore. I think your husband is adding to that guilt by saying she’s only 12 which really isn’t helpful.

I think your gut is absolutely right! It’s not helping her long term if there are no consequences for not being organised.
So maybe at the weekend, have a chat with her and frame it that now she’s getting older she needs to start to learn to organise herself a little better and you’ll make a plan to help with that. You can support her by building routines, as other have said maybe a checklist the night before, a big whiteboard by the front door to double check in the morning.

would make it clear that the bringing forgotten items in needs to stop. Explain that your new job is making it harder for you to do that and when she forgets something, it impacts on your work day. Perhaps give her 2 or 3 ‘passes’ a half term, whereby if she really needs something, she can use a pass but only if it’s really needed.

Secondary school is about learning that actions have consequences and honestly if we swoop in every time to fix something, we’re not helping them learn this. Listen to your gut and not your DH!

Time your DD learned about natural consequences! If she is forgetful then she needs to learn strategies for being more organised, but it will never stick if you are always there to rescue her. Tell her she is a big girl now, responsible for her own stuff, and you won't be bringing anything in any more. Get her to do her bag the night before and check again in the morning. Better still, DH can do it. And no, he does not get to tell you what to do, like this is magically "women's work" - he's a parent too with equal responsibility for his child.

Firstly, get her to pack her bag the night before, secondly, you need to manage your DH's expectations as well as your daughter as he is part of the problem.
"he says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I".
Because you can't anymore because you are at work. If he feels differently, tell him you are happy to ask daughter to call him instead and he can take the things in to school as apparently he sees no issue. Oh what's that? He can't because he is at work? Exactly!!

We get everything ready the night before, bags are packed and their lunches are in the fridge.

Nope. I wouldn’t never have started this, you have made a rod for your own back here op. She’s old enough to take responsibility for taking to school what she needs that day. She deals with the consequences if she doesn’t. Oh, and if your DH thinks it’s no big deal well that’s fine, let him do it!

When DS started year 7 I used to sit with him every evening and while he looked at his timetable and packed for the next morning. I did this for about 2 weeks and after that he was in his own. We still ask him 'are you packed for the morning?' but whether he has or hasn't, on his head be it. We can't get things to him and he knows it so doesn't ask. Only exception I've ever made to this is to bring his glasses.

Actions have consequences and they have to learn this starting secondary school. We do them no favours if they don't get a chance to learn. Your DH is 100% wrong here (and I notice he's not the one jumping to bring the things to her).

Mine had labeled wooden magazine files with days of the week so every day they came home from school every book would be taken out of their bag, by them, and put into the magazine file of when they next needed that book.

All homework was transferred from the homework diary to slips of paper and pinned to a noticeboard, visible to them and to us as parents who are signing that homework diary every week. They never removed their pencil case, it lived in their bag and we had all the stationery needed at home.

Books removed for homework completion were returned back to the magazine files which were above the desk they used. They had a timetable pinned up on the noticeboard, in the kitchen in front of where they sat to eat breakfast and on the back of the front door.

All bags were packed the night before then a last second check at the front door. The PE kit was attached to their school bag with a clip so they didn't forget to get it from under a desk at school.

You need to set up a system for success, as @PickFlowersNotFights said support, not rescue. Stop solving her problems, if she is looking for something she finds it, she engages critical thinking. It is easy for your Dh to say do it on her behalf because one it doesn't affect him but two it isn't teaching her to be responsible for her things. She packs her bag at night, not in a minute.

She’s 12. Time to her to learn and to Value Your Time too! Way past that time actually. But yes she needs to check her things the night before.

Your DH can shut the fuck up - it’s not HIS job at risk is it?! If he’s so keen, he can leave work and sort it. (They never do. They just like the sound of their own voice telling women what to do).

It is mostly me tbh. DH starts work early so by the time DD realises she has forgotten something he is already out. He thinks because school is only 8 minutes away I should just take it in if I can, which is part of the problem really. I do like the idea of getting her to put everything out first rather than me just shouting things at her while I’m trying to get everyone out the door. We have a list but I think it has become more of a list for me than for her if that makes sense. I might try the cleared table thing for a couple of weeks and then leave her to do it herself.

I have a 6 year old and wouldn't miss work to drop something off at school that was forgotten.

We had an incident in the first week of term where we hadn't been told of the forest school timetable so only those that were in the forest after school club had their forest school kit. The school messaged and asked if we could drop it off before lunch. This was obviously discussed on the class WhatsApp group and many parents were already at work and couldn't drop their things off. I am not currently working but the message came through whilst me and the baby were napping and couldn't get her stuff to her in time. The world didn't end.

I have previously dropped off her reading folder when that has been left at home when I was in work but only when I was able to pop out mid morning and then able to take a shorter lunch break.

I think in life, we learn most from mistakes that inconvenience or making things harder work. In response to "I'll get in trouble" I would say something along the lines of maybe we should put in place something that means you don't keep forgetting things. You can't keep using me as a back up as I have to work.

If your husband is disagreeing I'd tell her start phoning him instead.

I was wondering this, as a late diagnosed ADHD person, but don't always feel it is wanted as an idea. DS is a bit like this, and I suspect will be diagnosed at some point, but is only 9 and we're working on the strategies to help him remember now.
So he writes the planner for the week, he puts the books in the bag, or somewhere it's in sight e.g. top of the stairs to take down when he is dressed. Putting drinks bottles straight on the side, shoes and bag away immediately so there is no thinking as it's just habit etc.

You also clearly have a DH problem here. He's not supporting you, he is devaluing your own job and he is enabling your DD to not develop the skills and strategies she needs

“He said he can’t take things in because he’s out working by then” errrrmmmmm aren’t YOU supposed to be at work too????
How come your work isn’t important in his eyes?

Turn your phone off.

DD - stop taking things in, warn her now tonight that you will no longer be doing it. Show her how to go through tomorrows timetable and get everything ready and leave it by the front door tonight. Explain that if you don't take forgotten items in, it is not you getting her into trouble, it is her getting herself into trouble. She hasn't had to learn because you've never let her learn (something I'm guilty of too!).

DH - tell him that in future when she rings for x, y or z that you will ring him and he can leave work to do the trip home/school with missing items. His attitude will change surprisingly quickly I suspect.

When she says "I'll do it in a minute", what is DD usually doing at the time? Maybe the Wi-fi needs to have a bit of a wobble until she gets it done.