To stop taking my DD’s forgotten school things in to her?

[AmpleLemonReader]

I know 12 isn’t 5 but I am getting to the point where I feel like I am DDs school bag, if that makes sense. She has always been forgetful, PE kit, maths book, reading book, jumper, lunch, occasionally her phone. School is only about 8 minutes away so until recently I would just take whatever it was in. It has become a habit really. She will sometimes shout from upstairs asking where something is instead of looking herself, and I realise I have probably trained her into that as well.

I have recently changed jobs and I have to be in for 8.30 now. I have already been late twice because DD has rung me from school wanting something brought in. I can’t keep leaving work or turning round when I am meant to be starting. There have been mornings where she is still getting dressed while I am making lunches and checking my own things for work, then she suddenly says she needs something for school when I am literally walking out the door. This morning she left her science homework folder on the kitchen table and rang at about 8.05 saying she needed it and that the teacher had said she would get a detention.

I said no, I wasn’t bringing it. She got really upset and said “you’ll get me in trouble” and that I was setting her up to get in trouble. I asked her afterwards exactly what happens if she forgets something and apparently there is a consequence, but it isn’t a big detention for one forgotten folder. More a lunchtime catch up or being told off and having to sort it out. So I do think she has made it sound worse because she knows I usually rescue her. I don’t want her sitting there terrified all day over one folder, but I also don’t think every uncomfortable consequence needs to be removed by me.

And yes, I know I have created some of this myself. Every time she has forgotten something I have taken it in, partly because it is easier than listening to the panic and partly because I can’t stand the thought of her being embarrassed. But now she expects it. She doesn’t even seem to check her bag properly because she knows if something is missing I will bring it. Looking back, I think I have confused being a helpful mum with preventing any consequences for her. She knows I hate seeing her upset, and she has learned that ringing me normally fixes it. I honestly don’t know where the line is between helping and making her incapable of doing basic things herself.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I, especially if she is going to get a sanction. But I am not just sitting at home with nothing to do anymore. I am meant to be at work, and it is not five minutes when I have to turn round, park, go into reception and then get back. DH says I am making a mountain out of something small and that school is already stressful enough without me refusing to help. I can see that side of it, but I also need to get to work on time and keep my job. Also I’m not saying she has to be perfect.

DS is 9 and somehow manages his own bag. He has packed it himself since Year 3 and will check for his reading book and PE kit without being asked. I know children are different and I am not comparing them to make DD feel bad, but honestly it does wind me up when DS is more independent and I am still checking DD has remembered everything. I have tried checklists on the front door and putting PE days on the fridge. Sometimes she uses them and sometimes she just walks straight past them. She is perfectly capable of remembering things she really cares about, which is probably why I get so frustrated. Maybe I have got too used to doing it for her.

The PE thing has annoyed me most. Last week she deliberately left her PE kit by the front door because she didn’t want PE. Then she texted me from school saying “they’ll phone you” and asking me to bring it. I didn’t. They didn’t phone. She had to sit out and apparently got a minor sanction for not having kit. That felt different from genuinely forgetting because she had actually made a decision not to take it. She came home afterwards absolutely fine, by the way. She wasn’t traumatised or anything, which made me wonder if I have been worrying about the consequences more than she actually needs me to.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

So AIBU to stop taking her forgotten things in? I keep going backwards and forwards because part of me thinks this is exactly how you teach independence, but another part thinks I am making her school life harder just to prove a point. DH says I am being unnecessarily strict and should just help her. I honestly can’t tell anymore if refusing to rescue her is reasonable parenting or if I am being stubborn. I don’t want to turn this into some battle of wills. I want her to manage school herself, but I also don’t want to look back and think I should have helped her when I could have.

Yabu for writing such a long rigmarole of a post about such a short question

No, you shouldn't take things into school for a 12year old, she needs to experience consequences about minor things so she can deal with major things later in life.
Yes, you should go through the checklist with her every morning before she leaves. Putting a list by the door isn't any use unless you repeatedly help her to become accustomed to using it. Maybe after a few weeks of you consistently helping her start a rewards system for if she has everything ready when you do your final check. Build time into the morning routine for this. It wont happen by itself.

And if uiur DH thinks someone should take things in to her he can do it himself.

My DD's secondary school is a 45 min bus ride and she leaves the house at 7.25 am. No dropping stuff off for us!
She has had several detentions last year for not taking her homework. She's now in Y8 and determined not to do that, so far only one slip but we are keeping a closer eye out. We regard it as her job to check the homework and do it, and our job to check she's checked.

FGS.
She's 12 years old.
Make her sort everything out the night before and if she forgets something it's HER problem..

Time to teach her some accountability.

Well, she clearly isn't "perfectly capable of getting her things ready" from what's been happening. So yes, OP needs to help her learn this skill, scaffold her for a while and incentivse her for another while, until she can do it independently.

The other mantra is 'Failure to prepare, is a preparation to fail'.

The 5 p's, 'Prior preparation prevents poor performance', actually it's 6 p's, 'prevents piss poor performance' but I couldn't put that on my wall!

You need everything checked and ready the night before. Luckily my son is 8 and since Covid most primary schools have children wear PE kit on PE days.
My son is nowhere near as bad as you're daughter. But he is the type to say I can't find it, I watch him open the fridge and look for a few minutes (without moving a thing) baffled that the yoghurts don't jump out of the draw at him and turn to tell me we have none!

We have had some issues with him leaving his bag in the car, last week I told him to grab his bag whilst I got the bin in and get in the car, instead of picking his packed school bag with his lunch box in, he went into the cloak cupboard and got his spare school bag which is full of spare gloves and hats for winter (the only thing he looses are gloves at school so I bought loads on sale) and took that to school. I realised because I was working from home and literally tripped over his bag when I got home, I did take it in. But on other occasions I have just called school, booked him on for a school lunch, same if he leaves his lunch box at school, school lunch the next day (I used to have spare lunch boxes but after he forgot 3 days in a row I threw all but one out). He hates school lunches.

In year 4 now and the wrong bag is the only issue we have had. He used to forget water bottles until my dad got him an air up bottle at Christmas. Strangely that's never been lost! Make her pack her bag the night before and bring it to you whilst you are sat comfy on the sofa before bed.

There is a difference between occasionally doing someone a favour and being a frequent and expected safety net.

You now have a job which means you are less available. She is old enough that unpleasant consequences may be the thing that makes her take organising herself more seriously. Some of the things you describe sound like ADHD is a possibility, but then you've also been bailing her out. Even if she does have ADHD traits, it's one of those things you just have to put your own systems in place to get by independently.

When my DS was in y7/8 someone with much older adult children said to me that I just need to stop carrying the weight of responsibility for all the things and they were totally right. You can't fix everything all of the time and part of our job is prepping them for adulthood the best we can.

This is a skill she lacks, it may be due to an underlying issue like adhd, or it may just be a one off skill. Either way, rather than patching up the gap by doing it for her, or leaving her to fail, you need to scaffold it for her. I'd suggest;
You and she look at her timetable and write a checklist
Agree a time (night before or the morning) to go through the list together and pack the bag
Get her an in tray or a system for where things go and remind her of it, so everything is easy to find
Set alarms on her phone for doing things (put pe kit in the wash, complete xyz homrwork)

She wont know about how to organise herself unless you teach her. If she has other symptoms of adhd, talk to the school senco about what to put in place and research yourself how to fully support her better at home too.

My DD is 12 and has ADHD, as do I. We live about a 30 min trip from the school so forgotten things are forgotten, end of. She forgets things most days but I have to say because there is no back up she is unusually organised around certain things for school. PE kit not so much… I would go cold turkey asap, you’ll be surprised how quickly things start to be remembered!

Tellin her off isn't the answer

I would print a list off for her room and another for the front door

Explain to you won't be dropping things off any more

Ask her every morning - what do you need to remember today?

Don't nag or give her answers

Get her to notice herself

Don't get angry with her for forgetting

If she does ask how she might remember

Alarms on a watch?

I have similar issues with my ds who is y8. We also have the issue of him 'forgetting' to do homework.
I have come to the realisation that him not doing homework or not having pe kit etc is not a poor reflection on me or my parenting and I cant rescue him forever.
Having the odd detention has really helped give him a kick up the bum and he is now putting effort into being independent.

If they've had a word with you at work already for being late, I'd say the next step is possibly a written warning.

This may be what you need to make you, DD and DH realise that this pandering to your DD is jeopardising your job

I say this as a parent of a teenager and secondary school teacher: you need to stop swooping in and rescuing her. She will never learn otherwise.

You've made a rod for your own back sadly, but you can find a way back out of this together. You need to agree a strategy with your daughter that works for her - does a list at the door work, or can she suggest a different way that she would find easier? By getting her involved in the process, you get her buy-in.

You also need to be firm about not being able to take things in that she may have forgotten; if you were my employee and kept being late or nipping out to take things to school, I'd be having words with you! Your daughter may have no idea that YOU could get sanctioned for being late for work, and could potentially end up on a disciplinary - far worse than her getting a detention. It may not have entered her head that there could be consequences for you, as kids think that being a grown-up means you call the shots!!! Therefore share with her the impact of this on you and how you don't want to be viewed as unreliable by your employer.

It may take a few forgotten items without you saving the day before she realises that it is HER responsibility to make sure that she has the right things, in the right place, on the right day. But within a few weeks it will become second nature to her. And if she does forget something and get a detention, that should act as a deterrent for next time.

I raised three boys, one with Aspergers & ADHD. He needed to be prepared for the adult world just as his brothers were, so teaching him to be responsible and accountable was no different in terms of what he needed to do, but took a different strategy to that of his brothers. A big part of that was him understanding consequences of actions (or inactions!), and there was no reason why he should not get a detention for forgetting something simply because he could wave the special needs card. We should be aiming for all of our children, unless they have profound difficulties, to grow into independent adults who can function in society.

Best of luck with your daughter; I hope together you can work out a plan that teaches her to be responsible for herself, and stops you from risking your job. By the way, your husband is a knob.

You should have nipped this in the bud ages ago, you are not the hired help.

Tell your DH that work have raised issues with your timekeeping and since he feels so strongly about it, he can take over chauffeuring her belongings around.

Bag packed the night before, uniform hung up and no excuse for forgetting anything. It's not that hard.

You cannot bring things in for her as you have work, youve already got in trouble for being late!

Whats actually going to happen if she forgets her homework? She'll get told off, maybe a detention. Its a bit boring, but thats it. Its not a disaster, its not something you need to prevent.

Most schools are now banning phones during school so calls during the day should stop.
It could be that this is now learnt behaviour, however one of ours was atrocious at forgetting things and initially I would take things in. We then developed a system where we checked a list the night before (using their timetable) . It got to the point that he was able to sort himself out (although he hates having a list ). He has executive processing issues which does affect these things .

There is woman who does reels on fb that shows you how to question uour child/teen to enable them to work things out for themselves rather than YOU giving them the answer/solving their problem. I'll try and find her link and post it.

EDIT. BTW you refusing to bring something for her is not YOU getting her into trouble, thats her doing and I would be telling her that

Well if your husband does not see an issue with bringing in items she forgot he can do it then.

This is really excellent! I particularly like the fact that if DH thinks it's the job of a parent to fall over themselves to make school less stressful for kids then that sounds like he's happy to take over the job of running anything and everything forgotten into school.

YES YES YES - women are adults with jobs and lives. We aren't just there to act as everyone else's bloody maid or servant.

And as an employer I'd not be looking fondly at a new starter who was late for any reason, except a massive and unseen emergency.

'My kid forgot their science homework' isn't good enough. A detention will help them remember. Your job helps put food on the table, it's not a hobby that you can skip if something else crops up.

My son was like this (before being diagnosed with inattentive ADHD) and he annoyed himself over it so in the end - he carried all of his school books every day and a gym kit every day so it was impossible to forget anything.. I just added the lunchbox.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

You've basically just said, "Medication, medication, medication, glasses, medication, disability aid, medication."

As someone who was at boarding school from 11 and who (as a very well-behaved and complicit child) got into trouble for occasionally forgetting things like weekly jumper and skirt wash day, I don't have a lot of sympathy for this. And you won't "get her in trouble" - she's getting herself in trouble if anything.

You need a rule that she cannot be on her phone in the mornings before she goes into school. Also that if you ask her to organise her school things she does it when you ask, not "in a minute".

It doesn't need to be a shouting match; you can just make it clear that those are the rules, if she breaks them her phone will be confiscated, and if she leaves things behind as a consequence you will not be taking them into school for her.

Tell your DH he can leave work and bring her shit in when she can't be arsed to make a list and bring it herself.

Honestly. You're not 'getting her in trouble' when she doesn't have her stuff; she's done that to herself. A few detentions might force her to start organising herself, frankly.

You have to think long term, it’s more important to train organisational habits in your DD than it is to bring in stuff in the short term. 12 is old enough.