To stop taking my DD’s forgotten school things in to her?

[AmpleLemonReader]

I know 12 isn’t 5 but I am getting to the point where I feel like I am DDs school bag, if that makes sense. She has always been forgetful, PE kit, maths book, reading book, jumper, lunch, occasionally her phone. School is only about 8 minutes away so until recently I would just take whatever it was in. It has become a habit really. She will sometimes shout from upstairs asking where something is instead of looking herself, and I realise I have probably trained her into that as well.

I have recently changed jobs and I have to be in for 8.30 now. I have already been late twice because DD has rung me from school wanting something brought in. I can’t keep leaving work or turning round when I am meant to be starting. There have been mornings where she is still getting dressed while I am making lunches and checking my own things for work, then she suddenly says she needs something for school when I am literally walking out the door. This morning she left her science homework folder on the kitchen table and rang at about 8.05 saying she needed it and that the teacher had said she would get a detention.

I said no, I wasn’t bringing it. She got really upset and said “you’ll get me in trouble” and that I was setting her up to get in trouble. I asked her afterwards exactly what happens if she forgets something and apparently there is a consequence, but it isn’t a big detention for one forgotten folder. More a lunchtime catch up or being told off and having to sort it out. So I do think she has made it sound worse because she knows I usually rescue her. I don’t want her sitting there terrified all day over one folder, but I also don’t think every uncomfortable consequence needs to be removed by me.

And yes, I know I have created some of this myself. Every time she has forgotten something I have taken it in, partly because it is easier than listening to the panic and partly because I can’t stand the thought of her being embarrassed. But now she expects it. She doesn’t even seem to check her bag properly because she knows if something is missing I will bring it. Looking back, I think I have confused being a helpful mum with preventing any consequences for her. She knows I hate seeing her upset, and she has learned that ringing me normally fixes it. I honestly don’t know where the line is between helping and making her incapable of doing basic things herself.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I, especially if she is going to get a sanction. But I am not just sitting at home with nothing to do anymore. I am meant to be at work, and it is not five minutes when I have to turn round, park, go into reception and then get back. DH says I am making a mountain out of something small and that school is already stressful enough without me refusing to help. I can see that side of it, but I also need to get to work on time and keep my job. Also I’m not saying she has to be perfect.

DS is 9 and somehow manages his own bag. He has packed it himself since Year 3 and will check for his reading book and PE kit without being asked. I know children are different and I am not comparing them to make DD feel bad, but honestly it does wind me up when DS is more independent and I am still checking DD has remembered everything. I have tried checklists on the front door and putting PE days on the fridge. Sometimes she uses them and sometimes she just walks straight past them. She is perfectly capable of remembering things she really cares about, which is probably why I get so frustrated. Maybe I have got too used to doing it for her.

The PE thing has annoyed me most. Last week she deliberately left her PE kit by the front door because she didn’t want PE. Then she texted me from school saying “they’ll phone you” and asking me to bring it. I didn’t. They didn’t phone. She had to sit out and apparently got a minor sanction for not having kit. That felt different from genuinely forgetting because she had actually made a decision not to take it. She came home afterwards absolutely fine, by the way. She wasn’t traumatised or anything, which made me wonder if I have been worrying about the consequences more than she actually needs me to.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

So AIBU to stop taking her forgotten things in? I keep going backwards and forwards because part of me thinks this is exactly how you teach independence, but another part thinks I am making her school life harder just to prove a point. DH says I am being unnecessarily strict and should just help her. I honestly can’t tell anymore if refusing to rescue her is reasonable parenting or if I am being stubborn. I don’t want to turn this into some battle of wills. I want her to manage school herself, but I also don’t want to look back and think I should have helped her when I could have.

Christ this sounds like mollycoddling. Time she learned some valuable life lessons about personal responsibility. It really isn't difficult to remember to take stuff into school and at 12 she shouldn't need any prompting or rescuing. Absolutely refuse to take items in; a few detentions will inevitably focus her attention.

Anything that can be done the night before should be done.
Why are you making lunches in the morning? Do it the night before while you are making supper, and pop in fridge.
Her school bag for the morning should contain everything she needs and be put by the door.
Etc. etc. etc.
It is not difficult.
You have enough to do getting ready for work and having breakfast.

Tell him tough. That is the position you are in so DD can phone him at least 50% of the time and, as it is no biggie, he can leave work and take her things in

Then tell your DD that she needs to plan, you will help her, but if she forgets something it stays forgotten as you have work to go to

I agree. No more pretzelling for you OP! 😄

The phone is the problem. In more ways than one. She shouldn’t be scrolling when she’s supposed to be getting ready for school. And she shouldn’t be calling you to solve her self created problems. These are not good habits OP.

Bag done the night before before bed
checklist for the morning if must

Christ, I have enough things on my mind, I don't want to stress MY mornings by running around and collecting school stuff!

The amount of times my kids had a last minute question and messaged their friends to check something, that can be done in the evening, wouldn't work in the morning.

And it’s our job to help them grow up into capable, resilient, competent adults a step at a time.

Running after a Year 8 12 year old is not healthy or helpful parenting.

I didnt want to raise one of those men who in 20 years would have a wife in here complaining he was useless.

YANBU

This term work with her to remember what she needs and pack them in her bag the night before.
No taking forgotten items in to school, that is non negotiable.

After Christmas start working on her making her own lunch too.

I had five children in school, and a job. Their bags were packed the night before with everything they need for the next day. There's no way I would be dropping forgotten items off at school in year 8! Mine were Year 4/5 and sorting their own stuff out the night before. In secondary, their timetables were pinned to the fridge so they could see what lessons they had and plan accordingly.

I think you need to supervise her packing her bag the night before for a week or so and then tell her it's her responsibility. If she forgets something, she bears the consequences of that.

Quite. My answer to this would be “if it’s such a little thing, she can call you in future.”
you can’t keep rescuing her. I told my son I would not be taking things in after he kept forgetting them once he got to year 6.

Yes they are, and part of our job as parents is to teach them to be competent adults. Organisation is a life skill - at 12 years old, unless there are additional needs, they are capable of packing their schoolbag with everything they need the night before school. It's a good habit to make mornings run smoothly.

Your daughter is presumably Year 7/8, so at secondary school. She needs to remember to pack her bag the night before and ensure she has all that she needs. She needs to learn to take responsibility for herself, but at the moment she's not, because she knows you'll come to the rescue. Until you stop rescuing her, and she starts feeling those consequences, her behaviour won't change.

Your husband is being too soft, and making your daughter reliant on you to be her personal PA! I'm sure if it was your husband being called upon several times per week to take forgotten items to school, he'd be changing his tune very quickly!!

You could print a checklist off, and pin it to her wardrobe door. It's then her responsibility to look at that list and make sure everything is packed. Taking responsibility for yourself and being accountable for your own behaviour is part of growing up!

Knock this on the head right now, OP. I did with both of mine at that age. I told them they needed to pack their main school bag the night before. I put £10 on the school payment system so if they forgot their packed lunch they ate a school dinner. I took DS11/12’s flute in once - not again. Same with PEkit. One warning - after that, they knew they’d have to do detention etc.

I actually gasped reading that your DD said YOU would be getting HER into trouble for not bringing into school HER stuff that SHE forget while you’re supposed to be at work. She’s got you wrapped round her little finger, eh?

She’s 12. Plenty old enough to remember things and carry the consequences of forgetting them. This is all on you. When mine were little I used to say “use your brain, not mine”. That stopped by the time they were around 10. Try it. It’s very empowering for parent and child.

She needs to pack her bag the night before, under supervision at first, and put everything else she needs as well, PE kit etc. by the door. Now you are working you cannot be running round after her any more.
My sister was disorganised but we lived a 35 minute journey from school, so she had to take the consequences if she forgot something. Same for my grandchildren. No way could parents be taking stuff in. They soon learn. Stop mollycoddling her and enable her to take responsibility instead.

DS 19 has always been like this, he's autistic, so am I, but his memory's far worse than mine. In year 6 his teacher told me to stop remembering things for him. At the start of the next term she told me to remember things for him again, otherwise he'd be in permanent detention in year 7. He now lives in a flat with a flatmate and seems to be coping.

No time in the morning here. But DD's both get what they need ready the night before. They are good on the whole, have forgotten a book once or twice but it's on them. Dd1 has one de-merit for forgetting the same book twice that's about it and she's Y11. Dd2 came back home fore her PE kit the other week after leaving for the bus, we have more than one they can catch. She also messaged me about a book she had forgotten. I replied she has time to come back if she wants. She chose not to. I was getting ready for work.

She needs to sort it herself, that's a big part of high school. Learning what she needs to do to organise herself, you can help her at home but get into a routine of packing her bag either after dinner or before bed. Doing it in the evening also helps if they have just realised PE kit needs washing or something.

I wasn't great at that age. I have a not very fond memory of doing cross country in the 'spare' PE kit in Y7. I did get better though, but still forget things unless I get everything ready the night before or first thing in the morning if it's later in the day.

I don’t understand why the bags and kit aren’t packed the night before. Why cause stress on a morning by not doing that?

She is 12, she needs to access her education. You and your DH need to make sure that she has what she needs. Preferably the night before. Comparing her to another child is irrelevant. You need to parent the child in front of you, not the idealised one that you have imagined.

There were no circumstances where I left work to drop off forgotten kit for DS. He learned pretty quickly to sort his shit out from year 1. If you want a roof over your head, you don’t disrupt my work. Applied equally to forgetting stuff or disrupting work calls.

I do check they have everything, well Dd2 now more than dd1 just a quick chat have you done your bag? Any PE or anything different tomorrow? It usually goes along which checking what lessons are the next day and which teachers.

It reads as though neither your DH or DD respect your time or your job so they see no problem with interrupting you to sort out DD’s forgetfulness. You’re presumably not out at work making a bit of pocket money for yourself so you need to correct that lack of respect pronto, particularly with your DH.

I take my DD’s stuff in to school when she forgets it but that’s because she’s 7 and sometimes has a lot to remember- on Wednesdays she needs 4 different bags and an instrument. That said, I won’t be doing this once she gets to Year 5 as she needs to learn how to organise herself.

Consequences at school aren't mindlessly mean - they're supposed to be something the student wants to avoid in future and a reason to make other choices. It's working - she doesn't like the consequence, she wants to avoid it, but currently her solution to this is 'call mum to do it for me'. It won't hurt her to take the responsibility for her own actions and have the incentive to start organising herself, and she can't always leave you to pick up the pieces and taking on consequences of your own by being made late.

DH doesn't get a say; his solution is also 'if in trouble it's mum's job to go out of her way for us'.

Charts and plans and checklists are brilliant and a great way forward, plus modelling and supporting how to organise the night before - but unless dd has a reason to make use of them, you'll find all you do is spend your life chasing her to go and check the checklist and it'll be a new job and hassle for you. She has to actually want to use them which would involve knowing she has to take the responsibility for the consequences if she doesn't.

Unless you are going to pop into her university with things she has left behind, or run along to her workplace with her sandwiches, it’s time to teach her to think ahead!

Sorry but your DH is being a dick here. I bet he would change his tune if it was him having to do the drudge work but no, it’s ok when it’s you having to do it!

Make a list of things she needs for school each day and it’s her responsibility to pack her bag the night before. I’d be happy to check it, but that’s that. I think I took a PE bag/folder or something in for each of my children once in the first couple of weeks of Y7-it was just a panic when they were finding their feet-they never asked again. Either they got themselves very organised or they took the rap.

Yours is using you as a regular back up rather than bothering to take ownership of her own life. Pass it back.

At my child’s school, they very strongly (if not, disallow) discourage parents to take forgotten items. They expect that children take the consequences of not being organised and helps prepare them for adulthood.

I would say short term pain long term gain!