Page 8 | AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

DearDog96 · 2026-09-29T21:19:35+00:00

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done! anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc. I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

likelysuspect · 30/09/2026 08:05

SeptemberRains · 29/09/2026 22:22

You need to change your daughter in the bathroom, not in front of other people no matter how long you have known them. Your child is entitled to privacy and dignity.

Absolutely this.

OP why are you changing this child, who sounds too old for pull ups as you say, in front of people.

Perhaps your friend is clumsily trying to signal to you that the toilet is the place for this, its not like changing a new borns nappy.

GetBernie · 30/09/2026 08:10

I think if your child is old enough to be in school you should be giving her privacy when you change her. Your friend was out of order to comment on it, but not wrong to be judgemental about your child still being in nappies when there is no medical reason for it.

imcomingforya · 30/09/2026 08:11

TheRealSmurfette · 30/09/2026 07:56

Criticising the OP is not going to help this little girl.

OP your friend was probably trying to help. Try to put the comment aside and look at how you can help your DD. That’s more important.

Do you have anyone who can help you figure out a plan for how to get your DD out of nappies? Is there any support at school? Maybe you could speak to her teacher and ask about some help?

Your Dr may also be able to point you in the direction of some help and advice.

I would personally take the nappies off once she gets home and try to get her to recognise when she needs to go to the loo. Yes she may have some accidents at first but that’s how she will learn.

Here’s what the internet suggests…

Bladder and Bowel Issues: Delaying training past 24 to 32 months can sometimes correlate with a higher chance of daytime wetting, urge incontinence, or constipation.
Stool Refusal: Older toddlers may develop stool toileting refusal, where they hide to poop or resist using the toilet. about:blank 1]

Tips for Training an Older Toddler

Ditch Day Nappies: Switch completely to regular cotton training pants like My Carry Potty My Little Training Pants so your child feels the wetness. about:blank 1, 2]
Use Clear Equipment: Keep a simple, low potty nearby or use an adult seat adapter with a sturdy step stool. about:blank 1]
Communicate Openly: Older children have better logic and language skills, allowing you to explain the process, read books together, and address fears directly. about:blank 1]

Good luck!

Edited

Yes it will. This OP cannot be trusted

Overthebow · 30/09/2026 08:12

PinkDaffs · 30/09/2026 08:04

Not RTFT, but sorry. Unless there are additional needs you have mentioned, it is absolutely unacceptable that a child of school.age isn't toilet trained. I know you realise you should have done it already but why didn't you? Your friend could and should have addressed it differently (and you need to protect your daughter's privacy, she isn't a tiny baby) but if she WAS criticising your parenting, tbh, I can understand why.

By school, do you mean nursery? Or is she over 4?

OPs dd is in reception.

FluffMagnet · 30/09/2026 08:12

At that age, your daughter can absolutely change herself, in the bathroom. I have a 4 yr old still wet overnight (which is a hormonal thing plus his unbelievably deep sleep), and he changes himself and has done so for over a year. You are doing her no favours by babying her. Your friend is judging you, because it is poor parenting on behalf of you and your parents, make no mistake.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 30/09/2026 08:12

TY78910 · 29/09/2026 22:28

And kids start getting brutal. Nobody wants their kid to be tormented by other kids saying she’s wearing a nappy. If no SEN, you really got to get a move on.

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This
get rid of the nappies and go cold turkey she won’t want wet pants

NavyBlueJeans · 30/09/2026 08:13

I'm shocked you're changing a 4 and a 1/2 year old child in the living room, especially in front of others. Where's your respect for your daughter's right to privacy and dignity.

It's no wonder she's not grasping toilet training if this is how you're behaving. She's not a baby. She should always be brought to the bathroom and at her age should be managing herself, washing hands afterwards etc, with encouragement from you.

Having read all your other posts I believe this is not a problem with your child, you are the problem. You've received so much useful advice, much of which you've ignored or attempted half heartedly for a short while. You keep coming up with excuses, all your posts indicate you just don't want to put the effort into training her and you just want to do what's easiest for you. She had given up her dummy last April, why did you give it back to her?

Don't you care that the other children at school will make fun of her?

Can you attend parenting classes? You are the one that needs help to figure out how to raise your child to meet her milestones and you need help in recognising that you are treating her like a much younger child.

Even if you get the best advice in the world, you are the one that needs to put the effort in and keep going, you can't give up on parenting tasks and make excuses.

chocolate08 · 30/09/2026 08:17

I don't think pull ups help - they distract and actually delay using the toilet properly. She will know that her friends at school use the toilet and that could be a good motivation. Take her to choose some pants she'd like, ditch the pull ups and get it done. Treats each time she uses the toilet and so on. Get a toddler seat for the toilet initially if she needs and definitely don't bother with the potty now as that doesn't help with school. I don't think teachers change nappies if I am correct, if no SEN, so her school day must be really uncomfortable, and especially also if she is holding it in which causes another load of problems. The longer you leave it, the worse things get - get it done.

NavyBlueJeans · 30/09/2026 08:18

PinkDaffs · 30/09/2026 08:04

Not RTFT, but sorry. Unless there are additional needs you have mentioned, it is absolutely unacceptable that a child of school.age isn't toilet trained. I know you realise you should have done it already but why didn't you? Your friend could and should have addressed it differently (and you need to protect your daughter's privacy, she isn't a tiny baby) but if she WAS criticising your parenting, tbh, I can understand why.

By school, do you mean nursery? Or is she over 4?

She's in reception and she turned 4 last March. The OP has posted many times in the last six months about this and her dummy and bottles.

OtterlyAstounding · 30/09/2026 08:20

lessglittermoremud · 30/09/2026 08:03

Or she needs to take responsibility and actually just toilet train her child instead of not following through on all the pages of advise given before etc
OP hasn’t posted because she wants help, she wants us to agree that her friend shouldn’t have commented on the fact that her child was still in pull ups.

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This. At this rate, the OP's daughter is going to toilet train herself after being horribly shamed by other children over the next few years.

GreaterWaterBoatman · 30/09/2026 08:22

My DC had SEN and wasn’t properly toilet trained when starting school. But I would never have changed them in the lounge not because of privacy (though that is reason enough) but because we were toilet training. And as part of toilet training we were building the association with the toilet and the routines there, including hand washing.

Wheresthebeach · 30/09/2026 08:23

OP - stop babying her. It’s really not okay to parent like this. You are holding her back.

Heronwatcher · 30/09/2026 08:23

She’s trying to help, probably because she knows you’re a bit behind.

Your DD should be out of pull ups and into pants as soon as she’s out of school (I am assuming that school want her in pull ups otherwise she shouldn’t be in them at all), and you shouldn’t be changing her in the lounge in front of people. She needs to lean that she’s not a toddler and start changing herself with minimum assistance from you in the loo.

Coconutter24 · 30/09/2026 08:24

so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house).

This is where YABU. A child old enough for school should be given privacy and taught that what’s in our pants isn’t for all to see regardless of how many times your friend has seen it all before

TheFairyCaravan · 30/09/2026 08:36

The poor little girl is being failed. Nappies, dummies and bottles at 4.5 shouldn’t be a thing when there’s no SEN. Someone needs to step in and help her imo.

sugarapplelane · 30/09/2026 08:37

Yes you have a right to be upset with your friend but please get some urgency behind you.
You posted a few months back about potty training but you haven’t progressed very far. Please tell me you’ve ditched the bottle and dummy.

DrBlackbird · 30/09/2026 08:39

takealettermsjones · 29/09/2026 22:21

You've missed out how old your DD is.

It really doesn’t matter. Shame is never the way to potty train a child. And no one ought to comment on someone else’s child’s potty training. Full stop. For the child’s sake.

Swizzbizz · 30/09/2026 08:39

Mumsnet needs to have a look behind the scenes of this poster.

Girlwithavibe · 30/09/2026 08:42

Well it's better your friend saying this because sometimes if a child feels embarrassed it may well.push them to wearing pants your babying her by the sounds of it and everyone who knows she is in pull-ups will be chatting about it you just won't know !
And it's so cruel because sometime soon she will get picked on Because most kids know babies wear nappies
Sorry to be harsh but this is the truth your friend is trying to be helpful
You deffo should not be changing her like a baby in the living room she she go to the bathroom by herself and change herself she is 5 not a baby 🍼

SoThatsTheWayItIs · 30/09/2026 08:43

Summeroftheblazingsun · 30/09/2026 07:39

Gosh is that really a thing?! That's some serious control freakery. Poor kid, if that's what's going on, forcing an unnatural dependency like that.

I was thinking more along the lines of laziness with OP CBA to clean up the mess from the inevitable accidents and CBA to deal with the screaming if the kid that always gets her own way is suddenly deprived of the dummy/bottle etc.

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Yes sadly it is. The worst cases I have seen are parents that then go down the route of demanding every kind of professional service involvement for their child whilst simultaneously refusing to implement strategies. It becomes glaringly obvious that there is a psychological issue with the parent but not before they have exhausted a huge amount of funding and resources from health and education services.

There are many children who are extremely challenging to toilet training and parents do need professional support for the child but in those cases you can see parents are taking advice on board and implementing strategies. The fact the OP is still stuck in the mind set of changing her child downstairs in the living room in front of company tells me there is a bigger picture here. She hasn’t even bothered to alter the very easiest step of getting her child out of pull-ups.

Goldengirl123 · 30/09/2026 08:44

Just put knickers on her. By putting pull ups on you are allowing her to wet herself

MissChanandlerBonng · 30/09/2026 08:45

SoThatsTheWayItIs · 30/09/2026 08:43

Yes sadly it is. The worst cases I have seen are parents that then go down the route of demanding every kind of professional service involvement for their child whilst simultaneously refusing to implement strategies. It becomes glaringly obvious that there is a psychological issue with the parent but not before they have exhausted a huge amount of funding and resources from health and education services.

There are many children who are extremely challenging to toilet training and parents do need professional support for the child but in those cases you can see parents are taking advice on board and implementing strategies. The fact the OP is still stuck in the mind set of changing her child downstairs in the living room in front of company tells me there is a bigger picture here. She hasn’t even bothered to alter the very easiest step of getting her child out of pull-ups.

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I think this previous post says it all. The little dig at ‘society’ as if it’s unreasonable

I don’t infantilise her, I’m just allowing her to give up things when she’s ready rather than what society deems be the age at which they should be given up. They’re only young once and so I don’t feel the need to be overly focussed on making her give things up

Catza · 30/09/2026 08:50

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/09/2026 03:53

Sorry, shame used in this manner, and situation specifically, is wrong. Shaming a child for not being toilet trained actually encourages resistence.
It's not appropriate as developmentally being able to toilet train requires the brain to be mature enough to control the bladder function and the body needs to be able to produce the appropriate hormone. Shaming a child for a developmental function they cannot control or force creates confusion, anxiety and performance anxiety.
Children need to be reassured that they will stop needing nappies etc when their bodies are ready.
People often think they need to be tough with children to help them reach milestones, but it is a very old and out-dated aporoach, even though frequently well-meant.

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This is only true assuming the problem is developmental delay rather than habit, behaviour or lack of parental guidance. Most children achieve daytime bladder control by the age of 3. If OP's child is not doing that then she needs to be taken to a paediatrician. But something tells me that OP hasn't done that either.

HedgerowD · 30/09/2026 08:52

NavyBlueJeans · 30/09/2026 08:13

I'm shocked you're changing a 4 and a 1/2 year old child in the living room, especially in front of others. Where's your respect for your daughter's right to privacy and dignity.

It's no wonder she's not grasping toilet training if this is how you're behaving. She's not a baby. She should always be brought to the bathroom and at her age should be managing herself, washing hands afterwards etc, with encouragement from you.

Having read all your other posts I believe this is not a problem with your child, you are the problem. You've received so much useful advice, much of which you've ignored or attempted half heartedly for a short while. You keep coming up with excuses, all your posts indicate you just don't want to put the effort into training her and you just want to do what's easiest for you. She had given up her dummy last April, why did you give it back to her?

Don't you care that the other children at school will make fun of her?

Can you attend parenting classes? You are the one that needs help to figure out how to raise your child to meet her milestones and you need help in recognising that you are treating her like a much younger child.

Even if you get the best advice in the world, you are the one that needs to put the effort in and keep going, you can't give up on parenting tasks and make excuses.

I was going to write similar. Honestly OP your friend is probably frustrated by seeing you continually let your child down. Her comments are the least of your worries.

Thatsalineallright · 30/09/2026 08:57

You are currently being a shit parent, yes. You are setting your child up to be bullied and preventing them from learning age-appropriate independence. And instead of asking for help you're looking to take offence at a friend.

The good news is that nothing is set in stone. If we realise we're getting something wrong we can fix it. A shit parent this month can be a great parent next month so long as they put the work in.

Ask for help, make a plan, stick to it with support from friends and/or family.