AIBU to feel upset after my friend commented on DD's pull-ups?

[DearDog96]

For context: I have written on here before about my struggles potty training DD and acknowledge that I definitely should’ve started sooner and been more persistent so before you all come for me, I know what I should’ve done!

anyway… after school today one of my best friends from back when I was in school was round and DD needed changing (still in pull ups). She was only wet and all her stuff was downstairs so I did it in the living room (friend has seen it all before, she’s regularly round our house). Once I’d finished with DD she processed to make comments at DD about how she thought she was a big girl but might have to change her mind now she knows she’s still in nappies (she’s known all along which I found weird). She made a few other comments about how she’s too old for them etc.

I know a lot of it is true, and she’s probably trying to help by pressuring DD into using the toilet, but I felt it was a bit out of order and almost like she was indirectly calling me a shit parent. AIBU?

Why is she back in nappies? Surely she’s not wearing them to school? The other kids will know, it just be embarrassing for her. Have you stopped the dummy and bottles yet?

If your dd is school age then you definitely should be taking her to the bathroom and sitting her on the toilet whilst changing her pull-up. Ideally would highly recommend switching to a cloth pull-up which will feel wet and unpleasant so she will want to use the toilet. Unless there’s a medical condition she is too old to be in nappies which is what pull-ups are.

Why is this still going on @DearDog96? I responded to you back in April. You’ve had summer and warm weather. What’s the delay?

YABU. Why is your school aged child still in nappies? That’s a failure.

She should be using the bathroom, even if she's in pull ups. And you definitely aren't encouraging her in any way by changing her in the living room in front of other people like she was a baby!

I'm sorry for your DD, because it's not her fault. I'm a lot less sorry for you if feel judged. Looking at your other threads, there are reasons for it. And clearly you still don't understand how damaging you are being to your child.

Changing a child who has been to school in the living room is not sending the right message to your child, never mind the friend. Yoir dd should have gone to the bathroom and had a sit on the toilet to see if she could do another wee. She should be taking her own pull up down and putting her own knickers on rather than you changing her just so that staying in pull ups isn’t an easier option for her.

Gosh is that really a thing?! That's some serious control freakery. Poor kid, if that's what's going on, forcing an unnatural dependency like that.

I was thinking more along the lines of laziness with OP CBA to clean up the mess from the inevitable accidents and CBA to deal with the screaming if the kid that always gets her own way is suddenly deprived of the dummy/bottle etc.

Yes it's seeming like the piss troll now.

They won’t be physically changing her. They will taking her in the toilets and she will be doing all of it herself. She will get instructions if she needs them.

Or she is just a shit parent, they do exist. Not all crap behaviour is due to a condition for God's sake.

I agree with this. It’s better for everyone involved now she isn’t a baby.
Why can’t you potty train now? Unless there’s loads of backstory you just need to start today. Honestly if you start now in a week it will be done. Your post doesn’t mention why you haven’t started but I think now she’s older you need to treat the toilet like the toilet. When she is able to use the toilet you wouldn’t expect her to go infront of people really so you need to adopt the same mindset.

Your friend over stepped the mark by a mile. However you should have said ‘ok, let’s take you to the toilet’. A 4 year old should never be changed in front of another adult - unless of course another caregiver - even if it is just a quick change of pull ups. In reception they will start to learn the ‘pants means privacy’ rule so you should absolutely be respecting that.

it is also very confusing messaging when potty training. Wees and poos whereever they end up mean going to the toilet. My son was three when he potty trained so was also older and took a while to do poos in the potty but if he ever did one in his pants - I took him to the toilet and put him on the toilet to reinforce the messaging.

If only. The school must know she is in nappies and that will be on a rota for changing/checking. Usually staff take turns so it isn't always the same person on nappy duty.

For children who have accidents and are capable of changing themselves then yes they are given instructions of what to do and help only given if they ask. For some however then they will need cleaning up by staff (usually having an extra member of staff in the vicinity to oversee/avoid one staff member being alone).

Unlikely. If OP hasn’t bothered to potty train in the last five years she won’t have taught her kid to get themselves changed

Changing her in the lounge suggests you aren't putting a great deal of effort into actually getting her dry. And your friend is probably genuinely worried about your dd and is teying tonkotivate her as clearly you aren't motivated to do anything about this.

They are. She did say in another post the school had been really helpful about changing her and were the ones to suggest pull ups.

OP has had more than one thread with plenty of advice which she doesn't heed, this one wont be any different

I wouldn’t comment on a friends child/directly to a child on the fact they were wearing pull ups but tbf unless she is some element of SEND there is no reason why a child should be in school in pull ups.

You made the mistake of changing her in front of someone else, shes’s not a baby and it’s not a spectator sport.

You can bet the support staff don’t change her in front of other children at school but by having to change her you are taking their time and resources away from the other children in the class.

I’ve worked in schools and it’s one of the teachers absolute bug bears, when my youngest was due to start in reception they held a parents information evening just before the summer holidays and they asked that anyone’s child still in pull ups be toilet trained over the summer unless you had already spoken to the team and they knew of your specific circumstances.

You don’t want to be judged but that fact she is still in pull ups in almost October and I guess started school in September shows that you haven’t be proactive enough.
Your child will be being judged by her classmates (they will know she is in pull ups) and your parenting will be criticised behind closed doors by staff.
Perhaps your friend was trying to raise the topic to you in this way because she’s concerned and wants you to take note?

Criticising the OP is not going to help this little girl.

OP your friend was probably trying to help. Try to put the comment aside and look at how you can help your DD. That’s more important.

Do you have anyone who can help you figure out a plan for how to get your DD out of nappies? Is there any support at school? Maybe you could speak to her teacher and ask about some help?

Your Dr may also be able to point you in the direction of some help and advice.

I would personally take the nappies off once she gets home and try to get her to recognise when she needs to go to the loo. Yes she may have some accidents at first but that’s how she will learn.

Here’s what the internet suggests…

• Bladder and Bowel Issues: Delaying training past 24 to 32 months can sometimes correlate with a higher chance of daytime wetting, urge incontinence, or constipation.
• Stool Refusal: Older toddlers may develop stool toileting refusal, where they hide to poop or resist using the toilet. about:blank 1]

Tips for Training an Older Toddler

• Ditch Day Nappies: Switch completely to regular cotton training pants like My Carry Potty My Little Training Pants so your child feels the wetness. about:blank 1, 2]
• Use Clear Equipment: Keep a simple, low potty nearby or use an adult seat adapter with a sturdy step stool. about:blank 1]
• Communicate Openly: Older children have better logic and language skills, allowing you to explain the process, read books together, and address fears directly. about:blank 1]

Good luck!

@DearDog96 exactly this.
Whether the reason for her delayed toilet training, she's not a baby.
Your duty now is to protect her dignity wherever you are. Poor little girl to be shamed like that. Yet another layer to the toileting issues. Your friend was out of order and thoughtless but you gave her the clear opportunity.
I don't want to be unkind but you do seem a bit clueless as a parent. Do you have people supporting you?

No it’s not going to help but this has been an ongoing issue for months and the OP has posted about it before, quite awhile ago.
There was loads of helpful advise given then, links etc but it seems the situation is exactly the same as it was before the summer.

Then she still needs help 🤷‍♀️

For goodness sake the child is at least 4 years old! Is she going to wait until the child starts secondary school!

Stop the pull-ups today, put her in pants she will soon learn that being wet or soiled is not pleasant. Stop babying your daughter, you are being cruel to her, a four year old should be using the proper toilet and you’re going to embarrass her even more by parading around with a potty! This should have been done two years ago.

Stop looking for sympathy and sort it out! Your friend is right to call you out.

Or she needs to take responsibility and actually just toilet train her child instead of not following through on all the pages of advise given before etc
OP hasn’t posted because she wants help, she wants us to agree that her friend shouldn’t have commented on the fact that her child was still in pull ups.

Not RTFT, but sorry. Unless there are additional needs you have mentioned, it is absolutely unacceptable that a child of school.age isn't toilet trained. I know you realise you should have done it already but why didn't you? Your friend could and should have addressed it differently (and you need to protect your daughter's privacy, she isn't a tiny baby) but if she WAS criticising your parenting, tbh, I can understand why.

By school, do you mean nursery? Or is she over 4?