So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

You said your mother wasn't bothered?

You sound like you've been cheated on OP.. Like it's some big betrayal. It's not really.

Tbh you should probably have a chat with her about it, because it looks like it's going to eat away at you and shit like that has a way of exploding later.

Their wedding, their choice. A wedding should be exactly what the couple marrying want it to be, not what anyone else wants. Just be happy for them.

We eloped. Were some people my mother upset? Yes. But frankly, with any wedding you always somehow offend someone anyway, so this way we just made sure everyone was equally offended!

I would have hated a big wedding for many reasons including:

• I loathe being the center of attention
• we were poor and were not willing to go into debt just to be married
• my mother or one of many other relatives would have tried to take over and impose their own wishes on us
• we just wanted to be married, rather than having massive party

Perhaps your sister has similar views?

My brother, who I love dearly, and his partner of thirty or so years told our family that they'd got married via WhatsApp. I was briefly miffed, as he'd been over for a rare visit the week before (they live in a different country) and hadn't said a word, whereas it transpired that she had told her sisters in advance (they didn't attend as are also in another country).

Ultimately it was completely up to them though. I'm just pleased that they finally made it all official, and I wouldn't rule out doing exactly the same thing with MrDora at some point.

But do you not see the irony here, @Travelban? You told people in advance you were planning to 'elope' and your side of the family kicked off to the extent that you chose to prioritise their wishes above your own and have a wedding that you didn't want.

But when someone else in your/your DH's extended family does it and makes the opposite decision, not to tell people till afterwards so they can't 'kick off' and spoil it, you're hurt because you're convinced you would have respected their wishes, and that they should have known that!

But presumably when you told you family, you thought they would also respect your wishes..? Otherwise you would have kept schtum about your plans...

I think your being slightly unreasonable here. Your sister wanted a no fuss wedding. Family and friends, however well intentioned, will make a fuss in some way. This is why people elope

I think i understand the sting of not being part of it, if even the knowledge part, but its not about you, its her decision. Congratulate her and have a party later when things settle. She does love you, she shows you in so many ways.

@CoddledEgos no I thought that they knew we would respect their wishes as they knew what we went through and how we felt about it. And both their parents are sadly deceased and we are the only immediate family. I didn't say I was hurt by their behaviour at all, I said I would be hurt if my own sister thought she couldn't confide with me with something this important. I don't have a sister btw.

You’re allowed to be upset privately but with every post you’ve said you don’t feel close now, and you’re wondering what else she’s capable of hiding, the trust is gone. Your reaction is very dramatic. This is more than being upset, you’ve taken this very purposely as if she’s deliberately done it to hurt you.

There’s a reason she didn’t tell you and if it isn’t because she didn’t think you’d make her feel guilty, what do you think the reason is?

I think it’s extremely weird that you feel entitled to know every single detail about her life simply because she chooses to share the mundane day to day life. I genuinely don’t understand why you can’t respect the fact that she and her husband have decided to keep this private and handle it however they wanted.

You are 100% BU. The fact that you're being so dramatic about not being told of their plans in advance and have gone as far as making this thread shows exactly why she didn't tell you in advance. You're making their wedding all about you and how you feel 🙄

Because she chose a form of wedding you didn't approve of? People don't tend to organize their weddings in a way that deliberately upsets others. They do it because, for whatever reasons, this was the wedding that was right for them.

We had many reasons for our similar wedding overseas.. One - good enough on its own - is that we are not big party people. We were a couple who, at that stage of our lives, chose to do things rather more spontaneously. We decided to formalise a marriage after years together and the meagre arrangements were completed in a month; perhaps two at most. Then it was done.

Sometimes, people just do things in ways that differ from conventional expectation. The only people who minded in our case were my very conservative, 'do things by the book because that's the way it's done', in-laws who barely know DH, let alone me.

This isn't a question of a betrayal of 'trust' on your sister's part. Please don't spoil this for her.

It wasn’t my wedding.

Exactly! She had the wedding she wanted. Be happy she felt comfortable doing that knowing it wouldn’t impact your relationship. So many families get so over involved with weddings that they cause huge fall outs, when the only people the wedding should be for is the bride and groom. She clearly felt comfortable enough with your relationship that she didn’t think FaceTiming you afterwards was an insulting way to tell you.

Think this is a really good way of considering it - she made her choice for a small, private signing and I think more people could do with opting for doing it like this! UK wedding culture seems to favour very expensive days which require months or years of planning and mental energy. Your reactions are pretty strong, which is totally valid, but perhaps are why your sister may have preferred a smaller, private event? She is clearly already in a committed relationship.

When you've been living with someone for years and you've already had several children with them and you want a quiet wedding, the getting to be "mother of the bride" thing sounds a bit incongruous to me, like having your father "give you away" when you are in your 30s or 40s and you've already got children with the person you are about to marry.

Have you asked her what her reasons were for not telling anyone?

There was literally no need for the secrecy. This is the person who literally phones me twice a day, for at least 45 minutes each time, yet never once said she was going to get married? Our cousin did a v similar thing last year and she's literally spent a year going on about why didn't cousin just tell us about wedding, we would just have been happy for her & no need to keep it secret!!

You are upset because you think this is a big thing in her life and she kept it secret from you. You are then infering she does not trust you with her secrets.

Is getting married is an admin thing for her ?- so she does not invest as much in it - though why she'd then moan another family member did the same is odd.

Or they worried it would expand or involve compromise - ours didn't expand but we did get talked into compromises and ended up spending more.

I can see why you are hurt - but if your Mum is seemingly okay with it I do not think there's much to be done - you now know you can talk a lot and she won't nessarily be telling you everything about her life - what you do with that fact is up to you.

There are many reasons why they might have eloped- it is not about you, why are you trying to make it so?

But she did mention it after the event. And very soon after. I would understand it more if you said they eloped 10 years ago and you only just found out but it happened three days ago so they did pretty much tell you right away.
It is also probably less of a major life event for them since they have been living together and share children. There may have been a pretty pragmatic reason to legitimise their relationship which did not necessitate any fuss.

I think I can see why, if the sister wanted a low-key, no-fuss, just-get-it-done wedding, she might not tell you about it in advance OP. You keep saying how you wouldn't have been in the slightest bit bothered by the fact she planned to get married, like it would be the same as if she told you she planned to have Shreddies for breakfast tomorrow as opposed to her usual Corn Flakes. I don't really believe it though.

My partner and I got our civil partnership 3 years ago and my parents and sisters don't know.

It would be a big deal for the but for us it was just popping into the registry office and signing a piece of paper.

Getting married/civil partnered isn't a life changing or significant thing for everyone

Probably because your tone on here has been guilt-trippy, about how much your mum does for your sister, how your poor mum has been deprived of being mother of the bride, how you can't trust your sister again etc etc. As if you would have reacted reasonably.
Also, maybe cut down the 45 minute twice daily calls. You all sound very enmeshed. Do none of you have jobs or hobbies or anything? I can't imagine yakking away to my sister that often.

my family and some friends were upset by our wedding overseas despite the fact we told them in advance so they could come if they wanted to.
30 years on; we’re still married and many of the ones with massive weddings and hundreds of guests are now divorced!

DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT “ELOPEMENT” MEANS FFS?

There was literally no need for the secrecy.

I'm sure you see it that way. But the comments posted at every stage throughout this thread tend do tend to illustrate the opposite, OP.

It's entirely possible that your sister had anticipated just such a reaction.

So your mum's not bothered, it's not that you wanted to add unwanted guests or change anything - so what you are actually saying is you think it's your RIGHT to know every single thing your sister is doing and that you and only you have the right to demand private information. From you, and only you, your sister is allowed to have no privacy and she is never allowed to make important decisions that affect her life without informing you first.

Do you realise how utterly obnoxious, somewhat cracked and incredibly controlling you sound?

I dont think this is called an elopement.