So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

I agree with you, @Jaffacakedigestive

My brother was going to do the same thing, and it genuinely hurt my feelings.
His (now ex) wife is very shy, and really hates being the centre of attention, so i understood the reason behind it.

If I could turn back the clock, I’d have eloped. As soon as you mention the word ‘wedding’, it makes some people go crazy. DM and MIL sticking their oars in and wanting things their way, people complaining about dates or venues etc, people complaining because you didn’t invite your fifth cousin’s dog’s pet frog, and so on. And this was when DH and I paid for it all ourselves. Obviously we told them that they don’t get a say because they weren’t paying, but it was still pretty tiresome listening to their nonsense.

If you have a nice family who don’t interfere in things like this, I’m really happy for you, but I can’t relate.

You can feel how you feel. She can have the wedding she wants and tell who she wants, when she wants.

Yes, but if they choose to keep the marriage ceremony private, then they will have to deal with the fallout. They must have known that family would be upset.

I haven't voted because you have every right to feel however you want, but not telling you doesn't mean there's no trust. It just means they just wanted it to be a special ceremony just for themselves and not a performance for others. I genuinely don't believe it was done to hurt you.

I think you are being unreasonable and will get over it. Two of my siblings got married without inviting us (covid weddings, so one only had a maximum of 10 guests and as so they only invited parents and not their siblings, the other it was just them). I wasn’t offended at all but my sister was. I’m getting married and me and STBDH are eloping to get married abroad on holiday with our kids, I have told my family though but tbh the fact my parents don’t approve of my relationship with the father of my children because he has kids from a previous marriage (who he has 50:50 and does everything and more for) is partly why we’re eloping as I didn’t really want disingenuous congratulations on my wedding day.

Sounds like mother is fine with it though?

I think your response shows exactly why she didn't tell you tbh. If she had wanted you or anyone else to know beforehand she'd have told you, but she clearly didn't, and it's not about you because it's her wedding.

YANBU I’d feel hurt and a bit weird about this too. So odd not to mention it when you speak so regularly and are otherwise close. You probably spoke on the day she booked it, gave notice, bought something to wear etc. but she chose to keep it a secret.

It’s absolutely her right and I hope you can take something from the fact she/ they had the day she/ they wanted. But it’s a shame the secrecy has left you feeling anything but joy around the wedding. It would be lovely to feel joyful and not deceived. Hopefully a vent here can help you move past it. Have you let on at all how you’re feeling?

My brother and his wife eloped, but it was very on-brand for him and it would have been shocking if they'd organized an event. We all chuckled when we heard and said "Yup, sounds about right." I sent him a bottle of Hennessy cognac with a note pointing out that it was Kim Jong-il's favorite brand, because that's the sense of humor we both have. But we're not a close or warm family. In a different world where I spoke to a sibling twice a day at length and they eloped without a word, I'd be happy for them and try not to get into my own feelings too much but it would definitely seem odd.

Is it possible she doesn't view you as close as you think you are? My family can chatter on about nothing but at the end, it's all a lot of superficial nonsense and we manage to avoid anything meaningful or relationship-building.

I agree with this!

We’re pretty close, but I still didn’t tell any of my family we’d got married till several years later, and then only by accident. As you say about your brother, no one who’d ever known me would have imagined for five minutes I would waste my time with a wedding. I don’t suppose it surprised anyone.

@Jaffacakedigestive I know you are feeling a bit gutted. But you speak to your sis every day.. so what are you going to do now.
Options include

1. taking this to heart, resenting it, holding it against her
2. coming right out with it "What the hell. Why didn't you tell us.." and giving her a chance to explain but then accepting the why and not holding it against her.
3. making it all about you by going on about it.

It's very hard, and you feel let down ,but i thing option 2 is your best bet. Personally, I'd organise a nice meal for their return, with your Mum, get the champaign out and wish them well... ( but then at some stage have the talk and hopefully be understanding about the why)
It's not the worst thing in the world and its some security for her and the DC.
It would have been nice to be there,but you can still celebrate with them at home.

Why do you feel like you're entitled to know everything about your siblings' lives?

Or she could just mind her own business.

Well if it's not exactly a bombshell, why does it matter if the OP knows or not?

Everything that is too personal to be revealed. That is all.

I hear what you're saying, and it sounds to me like this:

"Boohooo!!! Waaahhh! I didn't get exactly what I wanted and I don't LIKE it!!!"

You missed option 4: keeping her gob shut.

I don’t know why people keep suggesting we should be organising a celebratory meal for them. If they wanted a celebration they would organise it themselves but they blatantly don’t..
I don’t intend to discuss it with her ever. It’s done now.

No, you are right: they don't want a meal.

Don't suggest it, and if you don't want to discuss the marriage, I don't see there is a need to.

Let it be.

Because you've been acting like it's the end of the world that you weren't involved.

If you've finally realised it's time to keep your snout out - good!!

I’m not the one making the calls. She calls me on her drive home from work, then calls me later once her children go to bed, I don’t know why. I work full time, have a life-limiting illness and am a single parent to a disabled child, so no, I don’t have time or childcare for hobbies, is that ok?

At what point have I ever said I should have been “involved”? I have only ever said I was hurt not to have known beforehand.

I think that's the whole point of elopement though op: you DON'T tell anyone beforehand.

I don't think this is personal. I suspect it has something to do with his family dynamic, and your Dsis was right not to treat the two sides of the family differently.

At the end of the day, it was a promise made between her and her DH. The witnesses are only there to do exactly that, witness it, not to be part of it in any meaningful way. I do think celebrating a wedding CAN be a lovely thing, but witnessing the monstrosities weddings have tuned into in the wake of SM does sometimes make me think an elopement is far more meaningful and elegant.