So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

I am pretty sure it was the best way for them to not be pressured by anybody to do this or invite this person, don't invite that person.
Your poor sister.

My mother would have been the one telling her to have a wedding with just them and just announce it to the wider family afterwards, so no need to keep it hidden from her.
I could never have attended due to my child’s needs.
his family may well have felt differently,

It's hardly a proper elopement is it if have been together years with children? Now my mother properly eloped - she ran off to New Zealand and married my father. I do think the prior separation would give me pause for thought though. Sometimes people think getting married will solve the problems in their relationship and I'd wonder at the rush in this case, especially if things were so rocky just recently

@Jaffacakedigestive I’m with your sister all the way. At this point we’re having a wedding purely to make things less complicated for the kids (both in their twenties). DP is very introverted and dislikes big gatherings and I don’t want any fuss or a big do. The thought of saying my vows in front of people fills me with horror, for me it should be a private moment between the two of us, the registrar and our two witnesses. Job done.

I’ve occasionally mentioned our plans to people and they immediately want to be invited which is exactly what I want to avoid. I’ve compromised by saying we’ll have a party which I know DP will not want but it’s the least bad option. My sister is aware if all of this and supports me.

We’re not doing this to hurt people but it’s the way we want things.

Her life , her business. She can hide whatever she wants to. She's an adult. Not answerable to anyone.

Stop making this all about you. It’s no wonder they didn’t tell you. Be happy for your sister. I’m not bloody surprised they eloped

You sound like really hard work

People like you are why people get eloped in the first place it's got nothing to do with you how others choose to get married 😂😂😂

Does it? What an odd interpretation.

OP can you please put yourself in her shoes. Maybe the two of them were excited and enchanted by going away for their secret wedding, maybe it was something romantic.

Just congratulate them and let them get on with their lives.

You are being dramatic

It's only been a few days.

Her getting married isn't about you.

Right so it would have been fine to hide an actual wedding from the rest of the family. But you have a complete meltdown if she hides her marriage from you and your mum and it turns her into someone you can’t trust. But no problem if she doesn’t tell other people.
Also you don’t know what your mum would have said, you’re just guessing. And like you say, you have no idea what his family would have been like. And you’ve said upthread that you wanted your mum to be mother of the bride so it’s pretty obvious you would have tried to guilt trip your sister into having her there.

Op I don’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time here. Given how close you guys are, what she did is very hurtful.

You are choosing that. Not her. She knew you would make it into something she didn’t want, because you love her and would want to make a fuss.
You are damaging the relationship, not her.

Elopement saves so much money on what is expected these days, thousands of £££. It also stops so many arguments on who, what and where.
You could hold a celebratory party with all the trimmings if you feel like it for your family if you feel rich enough.

I wish my daughter had eloped, her MiL insisted so many people had to be invited, to the cost of the happy couple and is still sulking because there was no traditional wedding with a top table among many other things, four years later.

Weddings are for the couple who cares what others want?

But surely not as close as the couple deciding to get married or is that the problem here? Competition on closeness? Jealousy? The op feels hurt that they are not in the inner circle?

Clearly you have no interest in celebrating your sister's wedding because it wasn't arranged for your pleasure, good idea not to discuss it, if I were her I wouldn't want to discuss anything with you again TBH.

Your sister had been with her partner for some time and has children with him. When she left him briefly last year, she came to you.

Is there a possibility that she felt you might voice some opposition or caution to her marrying him and that may be one of the reasons she and her now husband chose not to announce their plans in advance to anyone? And if there is a possibility that his side of the family would have been problematic, can you not just sit with that. I suspect there is a reason they chose to tell no-one in advance.

Forty years ago, if my late husband and I had told his mother that we were expecting a planned baby and a small wedding before the baby was born, we knew from experience that her reaction would have been: This is the wrong time, the most important person at the moment is your sister and her needs.

In fact, that is exactly what she did say when she was told the day after after we got married - "It's not the right time." Truth is, it would never have been "the right time" for her because her life revolved around her daughter.

It seems that over the years the concept of "elopement" has changed. It used to be a term that meant that a couple, often a very young couple, would travel to another part of the country to get married without their parents' knowledge, consent or blessing. Or perhaps where one party was a divorcee or there was a scandal surrounding the relationship. People now seem to be using the term for couples of any age who get married quietly with a small number of guests or who book a registry office wedding with just witnesses in attendance or go abroad for their wedding without telling others in advance.

It's absolutely clear why she said nothing.

You are making this all about you - and you weren't even there!

You say you are upset for your mother - and then you say she isn't bothered.

You say you are upset she didn't tell you - but then it becomes clear that she did.

So basically it's not that she didn't tell you. It's that she didn't tell you on a timeline that suits YOU.

She had her reasons. And judging by the way you have reacted, she made the right decision.

You address making this all about you, even if you say otherwise. I'm pretty sure you would have done the same had you known in advance.

Some people talk to their mum every day, doesn't mean they're close, just means they're being interrogated..

Then I'll ask again - if there was no need to keep it hidden from her, why does it matter so much that they did? If she wasn't going to try to have some input, and was happy to respect her daughter's decision to have no guests, why was it so vital that she knew a wedding she wasn't going to be attending was happening?

You sound lovely.

There's no reason for you not to trust her, she's shown she can keep a secret. But the fact you're making her wedding all about you speaks volumes.

@Missey85& @withoutwingsnow it’s not about the elopement but the secret. If you’ve been speaking to someone multiple times a day & they’re telling you the minutiae of their life but leave out this massive aspect, then it is hurtful as it does suggest that you’re not actually as close as you thought you were.

The Op isn’t upset by the elopement but the realisation that her relationship with her sister isn't what she thought it was.