It’s my body, and it’s my choice to not have another baby?

[DancingonmyOwn88]

I’ve been having a horrible time of it periods wise for years. After trying other things and waiting for a very long time, I finally saw a gynaecologist and she’s agreed to do a procedure under general anaesthetic and of all looks good they’ll go ahead and give me an ablation.

which means no more periods, and no more babies. I’m fine with that. We have a five year old DS, who is honestly a total little gem, maybe I’d have objectively liked more but I’m now 40, we are in a two bed flat that has decreased in value, I’m only just starting to think about the fact that I can work a bit more and have some more of my own income, and DH was fairly crap in the early years in terms of shared parenting, we had huge rows about it.

Anyway the date for the op has come up quicker than I thought it would, for a month from now. I’ve told DH and he says ‘well it’s time to have a proper discussion about it then, whether you want to go ahead or not’ I said I do. He is saying it’s not ‘just’ my decision to completely close off the possibility of having another baby and how would I feel if he ‘suddenly’ had a vasectomy without telling me? I said it’s not the same thing because my main motivation is I’m sick of writhing around in pain for three days out of a month and bleeding through my clothes. And ultimately, my body, my choice.

He says that not what marriage is about and it needs to be a mutual decision.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but I’m feeling pretty incredulous to be honest that he’s taken this line. I feel like I’m sort of betraying him in a way of I go along with the op as planned but that’s pretty ridiculous isn’t it?!

It's your decision and is completely different to a vasectomy - which is reversible is it not?

As long as you're sure you aren't making a permanent decision based on temporary circumstances, re your living accom and your man being a bit useless, go for it!

Best of luck 🩷

You’re right OP, it’s your body and your choice. Your DH can voice his opinion but ultimately it’s your decision. Is this about control - was there chat about having a second child, given that you are 40 and your Ds is five ? If he wants another baby that much, let him go off and find another partner.

You can have a "proper" discussion about it, but he needs to recognise that decisions about your body are yours to make, and his opinion and possible future wants are a very very tiny consideration in the overall decision making process. It is unbelievably selfish to require you to continue in pain monthly and with all the other issues, because he might like to have another child, maybe. Especially when he wasn't a good partner when your DS was born.

I guess that's a conversation he would feel uncomfortable having.

You are not betraying him. This has been on the cards for a while, and if he wanted another child very much, there are many actions he should have been taking already. Leaving it until the point that you have an operation booked is very much his own decision, not your fault.

I'd tell him I wouldn't be having another baby with him anyway because he was shit the first time around.

This makes me so angry I could scream.

Let's start with his ridiculous argument about a vasectomy - the reality is that actually, you absolutely have no input into whether or not he has one. Sure, you could discuss it as a couple, but the decision is 100% his. Yes, if a man makes that decision and the woman really wants more children, she could make the decision to leave him as a result, but she doesn't get to decide on whether or not he makes a medical decision for his body or not.

Then this particular decision. It's your decision no matter what (as above with the vasectomy) but also, this is a decision about your medical well being. You are in pain and at risk which is what makes this procedure necessary, with the side effect of impacting your fertility. Again, he doesn't get a say in what medical decisions you make to manage your pain, your health or your mental well being.

The ONLY upside of this story so far is that it appears your doctor didn't suggest he gets a say. Unlike a friend who, on arrival to have an IUD removed, was told by the nurse she couldn't do it if my friend hadn't discussed it with her DH.

Men think they own women's bodies. It's mind blowing. If he wants more children SOOO badly, there are other options. Conception, pregnancy and dlivery via your body is off the table.

It’s totally different, not sure why he even made the comparison. It very much is your decision due to impact not having it has on you. Has he ever mentioned wanting more children? Has he acknowledged how crap he was last time around? Has he any plans to cut back on his work hours to care for child 1 and child 2? Or has he just assumed you will step up again to make up for his short comings?

An ablation doesn’t stop you having babies or periods!! Only a hysterectomy does that. An ablation is burning the lining of the womb off and in my experience of having had multiple of them does sod all!! Sounds like you probably have endometriosis and possibly adenymyosis which is what I have and why ablation won’t work. You need your hormones sorting out and also a hysterectomy I’d recommend.

This. I would have already told him this as well! Serves him right for being lazy and shit

He should want you free from pain. You do what is best for you. 🌺

Oh god, really?! 😩 no I know it doesn’t stop you getting pregnant, just that you probably wouldn’t have a viable pregnancy. I’d still absolutely be avoiding becoming pregnant (as I have for five years!)

That is shocking.

He is being ridiculous I reckon he is also 40 or over. He was a crap parent and if he wanted another child he would have already said something by now not waiting all this time. You are suffering every month and your health is worth more. I couldn't imagine having another baby at 40 with a useless spouse

Doctors say not to assume a vasectomy can be reversed; it often doesn't work, and there can be complications. It's obviously got more reversible than, say, a hysterectomy. But they are similar, in that it's the person's body and their choice, but a married couple should discuss things-major changes to your body are a wife's/ husband's business to an extent, though of course the final decision is the person having the operation.

Well, precisely. I’ve only worked very part time since DS was born (nursery fees and we have no family around) and have constantly had it in the neck from him about the financial pressure it’s put him under.

He’s come into a little bit of inheritance recently and that’s spurred him on to consider if we should have another as things won’t be as financially difficult, apparently. I’m not sure I want to even with that, it’s like he’s paying me to have a baby, it will still be very much his money and not mine, as in he will hold the purse strings.

My sister and I both had endometrial ablations in our early 40s. My sister who had not let things get as bad as me, did not have periods afterwards. I went from having to sit on bin bags so as not to bleed onto the car seat and sofa, to very light bleeds. The procedure was life changing for me. Don't be put off by one person's negativity.

I was also told categorically not to get pregnant afterwards.

As far as the DH goes it has sod all to do with him! Why would he want you to continue suffering as you are in case he decides he fancies another baby? He does not have your best interests at heart to suggest this. He should fuck the fuck right off with his nonsense.

His attitude is weird because if he wanted another child, why hasn't he said so earlier? Your son is 5 and you're 40, so if he really wanted a second child, why didn't he say something two or three years ago?

I'd ask him straight out what he's thinking and why he's only saying this now, when you're 40. I think it's BS tbh.

Ask him if you get a say if he needs his testicles removed because of a health issue or would he just do what the doctor recommended for the good of his health.

It’s probably directly tied to the fact that DS is now ‘easier’ at 5 than he was as a toddler.

He’s a shitbag. If you’re having endometrial ablation then, from my experience, was one of the best things I did.

I’d personally go one step further and enquire if you can have tubal ligation too. The utter horrors us women and girls through with periods/gynae/pregnancy and birth is beyond what men like this could ever comprehend.

I do hope he’s said he’ll look after you when you’ve had surgery? I was sore for a few days plus wonky after GA.

It is 100% your decision. Just as if he got a vasectomy that would be 100% his decision.

He should be free to tell you how he feels, just as you should be free to tell him how you feel about him having the snip.

An opinion is fine. A vote is not.

That said, someone is entitled to say that no more children is a deal breaker for them. Not to manipulate. Simply as fact.

He is being unreasonable to say it's a joint decision about your body. It's your body and your decision. If he is trying to suggest he owns your body in some way - totally unreasonable.

However, as with a scenario where a man wanted a vasectomy, I think it's reasonable for him to want to talk it over with you since it closes the door on further children. It sounds like you are completely at peace with that but for him it's not so clear cut?

In short, I'm not sure he's saying "your body is mine and I get to make decisions about it too". He could be saying "I didn't realise we were saying definitely no more children and I want to talk that through ". You don't sound on the same page at all and possibly both need to communicate better?

Whereas I had an ablation 3 years ago and not had a period since 🤷🏾‍♀️

Tell him he isnt getting a vasectomy and he is free to have more kids, just not with you. I got sterilised after mt 2nd HG pregnancy and the consultant wanted to know 'what my husband thought given I was so young' (35 actually, isn't that the age of a geriatric mother?!) I told her I didnt want anymore kids and that was all she needed to know...

@DancingonmyOwn88 I see your update about the inheritance. Do you want a second child? It sounds as if you'll be doing all the work when they're little so if not, get the ablation.

In short, I'm not sure he's saying "your body is mine and I get to make decisions about it too". He could be saying "I didn't realise we were saying definitely no more children and I want to talk that through ". You don't sound on the same page at all and possibly both need to communicate better?

No, I disagree. Becuase he's telling her that she doesn't get to make this decision before they have agreed that they won't have more children.That is very much about him saying that he thinks he gets a say.

OP doesn't need to communicate better. OP needs a better husband who doesn't think that her pain and unhappiness should be sucked up if he decidees he might want another child. I'm happy to know that even before we had children, if I had ever been in pain, DH would want me to deal with that over having children.