It’s my body, and it’s my choice to not have another baby?

[DancingonmyOwn88]

I’ve been having a horrible time of it periods wise for years. After trying other things and waiting for a very long time, I finally saw a gynaecologist and she’s agreed to do a procedure under general anaesthetic and of all looks good they’ll go ahead and give me an ablation.

which means no more periods, and no more babies. I’m fine with that. We have a five year old DS, who is honestly a total little gem, maybe I’d have objectively liked more but I’m now 40, we are in a two bed flat that has decreased in value, I’m only just starting to think about the fact that I can work a bit more and have some more of my own income, and DH was fairly crap in the early years in terms of shared parenting, we had huge rows about it.

Anyway the date for the op has come up quicker than I thought it would, for a month from now. I’ve told DH and he says ‘well it’s time to have a proper discussion about it then, whether you want to go ahead or not’ I said I do. He is saying it’s not ‘just’ my decision to completely close off the possibility of having another baby and how would I feel if he ‘suddenly’ had a vasectomy without telling me? I said it’s not the same thing because my main motivation is I’m sick of writhing around in pain for three days out of a month and bleeding through my clothes. And ultimately, my body, my choice.

He says that not what marriage is about and it needs to be a mutual decision.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but I’m feeling pretty incredulous to be honest that he’s taken this line. I feel like I’m sort of betraying him in a way of I go along with the op as planned but that’s pretty ridiculous isn’t it?!

Your update makes me less incredulous that he has this attitude, because it describes a history of controlling behaviour. If he's made you feel like it's his money that he doles out, while you've reduced your income to look after your shared child, that's not a huge leap to him thinking he's in charge of your body too.

Agree that you will have a discussion but I can't see your position changing. A pregnancy has to be something both parties want and you have very valid reasons for not wanting to go through it again. Your health comes first and it should be his top priority too. It seems he just wants to retain control, and have you know that he does.

I’d have loved another in different circumstances I think. I’ve adored being a mum to DS since day 1 but have always been painfully aware that I did and do the bulk of the parenting and running of things by myself. I’ve never been ready to add to that by putting another child into the mix, so emotionally I’ve never really allowed myself to entertain it.

Unfortunately it is your body and your choice. If he wants more children and you don’t then he is free to leave and have them with someone else.

Both parties must consent to children, you don’t consent, and so there is nothing he can do. I do think a good discussion about it is worth a try though, but ultimately as your husband he should want to prioritise your health and happiness, as you would with him, so he needs to support you, even if he is disappointed

Does he really even want another child or is he just annoyed you dared to make a decision without him. Sounds like his ego has taken a knock and hes trying to gain some control here.

I'd tell him that he is free to get the snip and you are free to not bear any more children.
He sounds like an arsehole, & it sounds as if he is gearing up to lord it over you with his inheritance.

He doesn't sound like the most generous or supportive of partners, so why would you endure ongoing pain to appease him?

Definitely doesn’t sound like he is coming to you with concern for your wellbeing at all in mind.

Might be worth having a sit down uninterrupted chat about why you don’t want another child with him and ask him what his understanding is of your current symptoms and how this is going to relieve them.

@Delphiniumandlupins I agree. If there's an urgent medical reason why a procedure needs to be done, it's completely different.

Do you want another baby? If not one no and two yesses. If it's just the terrible periods can you get help with that until after another child?

I would suggest taking an understanding and cooperative rather than a combative tone. Ask him how he feels about having another child, and have that discussion, not referring to your operation.

Take the opportunity to explore how much he will be able to do in terms of childcare, and any health implications for you (haemorrhage?) of giving birth again.

I bet you once he believes this is seriously on the table with him having the opportunity to do the majority of the care this time due to your pain, he’ll soon lose his keenness. There’ll be the caasaerean during which time he’ll be able to take unpaid leave from work to look after you, and night feeds that he’ll be able to do this time around. You could even split the parental leave so he takes 6 months of work to care for your two children!

Tactics, OP, tactics. Make him feel heard and guide him to his own decision…at the moment he’s just pushing back because the decision isn’t his!

Your decision, fair enough to discuss it together but the final decision is yours.

It is absolutely your decision what you want to do with your body. It is also his decision if he decides he wants another child. Maybe sit down and actually discuss this with him, meet in the middle, if there is a middle ground x

It is absolutely not the same as him gettting a vasectomy. Your procedure is a medical treatment for debilitating pain and suffering you are enduring every month. A vasectomy is purely for contraception.
what a dick.

Agree it's completely your decision (as having a vasectomy would be completely his - of course he should tell you about it in advance, as you have told him about this). He has phrased his concerns badly and I understand why you are angry and surprised, but I'd have the discussion he's asking for as avoiding it is a waste of time and energy.

Schedule it as a priority BEFORE your appointment, and use it as an opportunity to be clear about why you have decided what you have. Assuming you're otherwise happy with the relationship and plan to stay in it, I'd be as clear as possible that the procedure you've schduled is necessary and can't be delayed. And If you're having other doubts about the relationship, this could be a chance to give him a fair hearing and see if perhaps he's able to be a bit more considerate once he understands your perspective.

Make sure he understands from your perspective the kind of pain you are in and what medical advice you have received/what the health risks are going forward. (The fact that you were basically a single parent the first time around is likely contributing to your resentment and I'd be tempted to tell him that, but it also sounds like having another child is not an option for you even if you otherwise wanted to do so, so I'd be wary of giving him an opportunity to try to persuade you that he'll be more engaged this time). Of course you do not have an obligation to explain any of this, but perhaps it could be an opportunity to help him see beyond his own desires, understand the situation, and offer a bit more support while you're in physical pain and distress. And if he genuinely can't/won't - well, that's good to know too, however painful it might be.

You are correct OP , pregnancy after ablation is high risk and highly unlikely to go to term
Really not worth risking your life , did they give you any other options ? Have they had a look inside already ? Do they confirm endo or adeno ?
Your body , your choice .

It's a little bit like him going for a vasectomy in that although you'd be entitled to hold an opinion on it, and if you were dead set against it you could potentially decide it's a relationship-ending decision, ultimately it would be a decision he was making about his own body and so he'd have the casting vote.

You having an ablation is a decision you're making about your own body and so you have the casting vote.

All very reasonable. But I fear the OP is not dealing with a reasonable man. Rather this sounds like a man who will agree to things and then flat out fail to do them.

I think he may have had a point it should have been a discussion (with the final decision yours) had he been an active and engaged father to your 5yo. But he wasn’t. That’s his contribution to the decision isn’t it- he will expect you to do it all while he gets the glory of being a father again. Nope. He can jog on

and your point about it being for medical reasons not just contraception is not minor! That’s again shining a light on how much he respects you and cares about your suffering

😳

Oh. My. God. That’s shocked me re the IUD!

I'm curious about the timing of all this @DancingonmyOwn88 , why did your DH leave this until a month before the procedure was due, did he not believe you'd go through with it? Yes, he can have a view on it but he's not been DF of the year, is he only willing to have another DC because he thinks the inheritence money will take the pressure off him as breadwinner but you'll still carry all the childcare like last time?
I do think he's worked out that if you start making your own money and can't be baby trapped he'll lose a lot of control over you

What middle ground? She has half the procedure?! They have half a child?!

I'd tell him that by refusing to engage in childcare for your son, he effectively removed himself from the decision-making process regarding a second child.

FAFO. Be a lazy dad. No more babies.

It could be a deal breaker. Why don't you have a procedure to ease the pain but doesn't leave you sterile. Or have you decided you don't want more chikdren anyway.Which is of course your right.

It's alarming that his concern doesn't seem to be about your health/pain but seems to be about what he may want.

Which again, seems to be more about controlling you since he'd likely leave the baby care up to you again.

He doesn't get a say and frankly, since he couldn't be arsed parenting the child he has when he was a baby, he doesn't get an opinion either.