It’s my body, and it’s my choice to not have another baby?

[DancingonmyOwn88]

I’ve been having a horrible time of it periods wise for years. After trying other things and waiting for a very long time, I finally saw a gynaecologist and she’s agreed to do a procedure under general anaesthetic and of all looks good they’ll go ahead and give me an ablation.

which means no more periods, and no more babies. I’m fine with that. We have a five year old DS, who is honestly a total little gem, maybe I’d have objectively liked more but I’m now 40, we are in a two bed flat that has decreased in value, I’m only just starting to think about the fact that I can work a bit more and have some more of my own income, and DH was fairly crap in the early years in terms of shared parenting, we had huge rows about it.

Anyway the date for the op has come up quicker than I thought it would, for a month from now. I’ve told DH and he says ‘well it’s time to have a proper discussion about it then, whether you want to go ahead or not’ I said I do. He is saying it’s not ‘just’ my decision to completely close off the possibility of having another baby and how would I feel if he ‘suddenly’ had a vasectomy without telling me? I said it’s not the same thing because my main motivation is I’m sick of writhing around in pain for three days out of a month and bleeding through my clothes. And ultimately, my body, my choice.

He says that not what marriage is about and it needs to be a mutual decision.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but I’m feeling pretty incredulous to be honest that he’s taken this line. I feel like I’m sort of betraying him in a way of I go along with the op as planned but that’s pretty ridiculous isn’t it?!

your body, your choice. Hope it helps x

It's definitely not a joint decision but it is something I would have talked through with my DH and I would expect him to support my decision.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship, he didn't step up and do his bit with your first child and now he thinks he can dictate what you do with your body? I wouldn't be considering having another child with him either!

He controls the money and now he's trying to control your body

Is he controlling or abusive in other ways?

https://womensaid.org.uk/am-i-experiencing-domestic-abuse/

Women’s gynae doesn’t really work like that. A lot of procedures are quite basic so all or nothing. If OP had a better option on the table that resolved her pain, then lm
assuming she would have mentioned it

I’m only just starting to think about the fact that I can work a bit more and have some more of my own income

you want your life back, you want to improve your earning potential.
he wants you trapped & beholden to him so that he controls the money & doesnt have to lift a finger

This!!

I agree. I had an ablation 4 months ago. Have not bled at all since and I had the worst, heaviest periods my whole life even through my pregnancies. It's heavenly.

Excellent stuff 👏🏼 Anger is the appropriate response here.

I had ablation and sadly still had periods but a whole lot lighter. Endometriosis.

Anyway, I wish you every success with the ablation OP and no, he doesn't really get a say when you are the one living with this pain and bleeding every month, need some quality of life back and it's medical care to help you. Go easy.

I wouldn't want another child with him.
You have been in agony and he thinks there is a discussion to be had.

He also holds money earning over you.
He sounds absolutely awful.

I was thinking that it’s a bit late for the ‘second child’ conversation considering you’re now forty ( and I know you can get pregnant over forty).

(Wonder what mn reaction would be if someone said that their dp had a vasectomy in secret, and they were hoping to have a second child. )

If that theoretical DP was bleeding heavily and in severe pain for several days a month and a vasectomy was the least invasive way of alleviating that, then maybe a comparison could be made.

It DOESNT stop you getting pregnant if anything you are more likely to get pregnant 🤷‍♀️ it’s usually used to try and get your periods more normal and lighter and nothing to do with stopping pregnancy!! I went on to have 2 pregnancies after multiple ablations. It’s basically like having a good clear out causing a period and resetting your uterus ready for whatever is next 🤷‍♀️
your gynaecologist has misled you massively and personally I can’t recommend a hysterectomy more! Best thing I ever did and the difference I felt all month I realised just how much pain I had been in and wiped out caused by heavy periods once it wasn’t there anymore! If you don’t want any more children I’d suggest asking for hysterectomy not just ablation as it’s known to be pointless. Unfortunately there’s a lot of crap gynaecologists in the NHS and it wasn’t until I was older and had gone private that they said my hormones were off and also they found a lot of endometriosis once operating which isn’t often seen on scans as it needs to be seen when operating and a lot of it is in the rest of you and underneath your uterus connecting it to your other organs etc causing trouble. A low dose of progesterone made a massive difference to me as stopped the cysts I was growing and also controlled the endometriosis that was left after I’d had a huge amount removed with the hysterectomy

I had an ablation and it made my periods even worse...😅

@PickAChew Yes, it sounds as if he doesn't get it at all, what she goes through every month.

Re. Vasectomies. My DH has had one and we know several couples who've chosen this route. We did discuss how we felt about having more children well before he made the decision, so I did have a lot of input.

But he wasn't having the procedure to address a serious medical issue. Regardless of how I felt about having more children, if he needed surgery for medical reasons, of course I'd have backed him.

So would DH have learnt his lesson; and now will be picking up the slack, and being more hands on with hypothetical baby no 2? I presume you’ll remind him he was no help last time, and that’s not good enough.
Have you told him you’d be going straight back to
work after hypothetical baby no 2, as you wanted to
work more before the idea arose; and who’s gonna provide the childcare, as you’ll be working; can he afford ft nursery? Etc etc

Ah I’m getting cold feet about ablation now, I didn’t realise there was a chance it wouldn’t do anything at all. I didn’t want to just jump to hysterectomy it seems very daunting and I’d be concerned about recovery time etc.

thanks for all advice, given me a few things to think about. I really don’t think having another child is what I truly want so for me perhaps the decision is fairly easy. For DH, he hasn’t considered how hard it is on one person because I probably made it look easy last time (it wasn’t of course, but DS was a very placid happy baby and I worked as a maternity nanny way back when, so I was very capable although I struggled to breastfeed and exhausted myself trying to exclusively pump) added to that I have a history of pulmonary embolism so would have to infect blood thinners throughout pregnancy which I hated doing last time.
Can’t imagine doing it all again at 41 to be honest.

Your child is 5 years old, so your husband has had plenty of time to bring up 'having a second baby's within that timeframe. He hasn't! So therefore, he can't actually have been that bothered about having a second! The minute that choice is being taken away from him, suddenly he's bringing up having a second child! It's a bit bloody late for that conversation now! I appreciate women have babies over the age of 40, but even if you did have another child, you'd be early 40's by the time he/she was born!

Your health and wellbeing have to come first here. The fact you're bleeding heavily and in pain, should be enough for your husband to recognise that you're more important than a second child! It's no longer about your husband or having a second child, it's about making sure his wife, you know the woman, he's supposed to love is healthy.

From what I’ve seen, ablation is massively successful as a procedure.

Even in women who still have periods they’re more like ‘normal’ or very light ones and not the flooding heavy losses of beforehand.

Have you also thought about having your tubes tied too? I’m grateful every day I’ve had both procedures.

Yeah he can't realistically be that bothered for another child if he's not brought it up until his wife is a 40 year old with gynaecological issues.

Your not his baby incubator op you matter too

I had an ablation and a mirena coil put in and haven't had a bleed or pain since I healed! 6 years and counting

It's absolutely worth giving the ablation a go first. It may well work for you, as it does for many women.
It didnt work for me, but I don't regret having it done. I didn't know at the time that I had adenomyosis and that an ablation isn't recommended.
Please do take extra care to avoid pregnancy though. I did end up getting pregnant and I had to have a termination as the risk of a non viable pregnancy was so high. The ablation renders the uterus an "inhospitable environment" for the foetus, and increases the risk of a placental abruption.
I've found that the doctors don't like to do a hysterectomy for heavy and periods until they've exhausted every other option- contraceptives/ablation etc. I'm at that stage now, and, tbh, good riddance. I am done with having children. There is nobody or nothing in this world that could convince me to have another one. It is my body, and my physical and mental health at stake. If my DP knew all this and still wanted me to have a baby, I would not be happy with him.

I don’t think it being your body has anything to do with it. It’s your decision, and that’s that-you don’t need to qualify it. He is absolutely entitled to his wanting something and it isn’t any less valid. But your opinions are not the same - that’s the issue and you have to decide where you go from here. He can’t force you to have a baby any more than you could force him to impregnate you were the situation reversed.

Either he can live with the decision or he can’t and the marriage is over. That’s a consequence that might happen but no one is more ‘right’ here.

I wouldn’t say he’s never brought it up- he often says he feels sad DS won’t have a sibling when he’s older etc and we are gone or need help or whatever, he’s expressed regret that he doesn’t have a daughter but all of these seem to have just been musings. If I’d really pushed and said I want to go for a second he’d have been on board in theory, although at other times he’s said how difficult another set of nursery fees/pick up logistics/weekend plans/bedroom arrangements would be so I don’t know. He’s also mentioned that we fell out a LOT when DS was younger (this is true, because of the overspill of the resentment I felt at him not pulling his weight) and he doesn’t want that again. So I don’t think he really does want another, he just doesn’t want the Avenue permanently closed. Which is very frustrating as I’m not a brood mare, at 40 I consider my time for childbearing at a natural end. (Yes I know I feasibly could have another but I feel I’m past a comfortable point now)