AIBU to protect my day off from a draining friendship?

[Dollywasbrunette]

I have a friend who I see a couple of times a month at most, both mums and we both work, myself I work full time. She is autistic and often very centred around any issues she has come up with, a sudden and imaginary illness, a person who suddenly hates her at work etc.

My own daughter has SEND needs, and I often find when I contact her hoping to offload, as she often does with me for hours at a time, the conversation results in her oddly having the same exact issues with her children, neither of which have SEND. Over the years, I have just put this down to her wishing to relate in some way, and have learned not to call upon her for support.

She is married and has a really hands-on, dedicated husband; he does a lot around the house, as is right, and for their children, again as is right. I have my daughter every day, apart from one weekend a month due to work commitments. Due to this reason, I have one day off in the week per month. I started this job just after Christmas, and happened to mention I was having a day off in the week once a month, with this she took a mental note and kept messaging, asking if it was my day off yet.

The day off came, I was actually looking forward to having a day to myself, but then she called saying she didn’t feel well and she needed a hand. When I got there, she actually seemed well enough and just wanted to catch up. I was a bit miffed but didn’t react. She asked the following month however, I had a hospital appointment that day so wasn’t available.

She’s asked every month since, and on the occasion I have met her, it has literally been her picking holes about where we meet up because she gets too flustered to pick somewhere. I then sit for hours and listen to her going on about imaginary illnesses she has, the kids have, her husband has, how the doctor won’t take her seriously.Anything I raise is spoken about briefly and it’s back to her ailments. After the last time, I’ve actually lied and said I was on overtime, as I’m mentally drained by the time I leave her.

She messaged on Friday, asking what day off I have next month. I still haven’t responded. She has messaged again tonight, but will often go days without responding to me. I don’t want to keep lying, but she is extremely sensitive and will perceive my decline to meet as a personal attack. I have literally no free time. Ever. This day off was going to be for me to do something for myself or catch up at home, read a book, something just for myself. Instead she wants to meet and for me to sit like a plant and listen to her complain.

As I can’t really address the issue fully, what would you say/do? Being mindful to not cause her upset or spoil a friendship. She is a really lovely girl, unfortunately though due to her autism, the friendship is often one sided and can be demanding to her own needs. I find after hours of reassuring her that the new illness she has is nothing serious, or the complaints she’s put in about the school system, or whatever else she has come up with, is actually starting to impact my mood.

You have had plenty of suggestions from other PPs - but you really don't have to tell your friend when your day off is. If she asks - you haven't been given the rota yet - and just keep saying this. Enjoy a day to yourself and the next time she asks - say it was dropped on you at a day's notice or you swapped with someone else - and push it back to next month.
At the end of the day she only knows what information you give her - so don't give it!!

I don't think she is much of a friend. You have a fair amount of stress in your life. She is married and has a really hands-on, dedicated husband who does a lot children, again as is right. You on the hand have your daughter every day, apart from one weekend a month. You have a SEND daughter, her children do not have SEND needs. And she unloads on you! As somebody said, not everybody on the autism spectrum is a nice person. She sounds like an utter user.

People like this will drain every ounce of energy you have and it's a one way street, not a friendship. They can only consider their own needs, never yours so it's not even worth an explanation because she only hears what she wants to.

Tell her that you no longer have a day free and don't make any excuses for it. And keep repeating "I don't have a free day this month".

this. You are not a support service.

She is a really lovely girl,

That threw me a bit, because absolutely nothing in your essay described anything lovely about her - AT ALL

What, exactly, is "lovely" about her?

Are you worried about upsetting her because you can see your own child's future in her life, perhaps?

I'd try just being matter of fact, which she might appreciate. You don't have to be rude, just plain - 'I need time to myself so I won't meet you when I have a day off. We can meet again on... (another date).' And then radio silence.

Recommend ‘friend’ should use mumsnet?

This is a perennial theme on Mn threads about problematic friendships. The poster will describe someone as 'lovely' or 'a friend', when literally everything else in the thread makes it clear that the person is not remotely lovely, and the OP doesn't much like them, often for entirely understandable reasons.

OP, I wouldn't like someone who used me as free therapy to offload about her and her children's ailments, regardless of whether they were real or invented, or who attempted to annexe my free time. It's fine not to pretend this is in anyway 'lovely. Call her what she is, a drain you don't enjoy seeing.

Really, you just need to go low contact. She is not offering you a balanced friendship and you clearly resent and, possibly, even dislike her. You are not obliged to maintain friendships with anyone. Never tell anyone you ‘have a day off’ - it’s not a day off really is it? It’s a day when you are not working in your salaried job, but usually the only day you have where you can do all the things you cannot do on weekends when dealing with DC etc. And even if you chose to spend the day in your PJs watching daytime TV, that’s fine too. No one has a right to your private time.

Mute her texts so that you don’t get pinged. She’ll get the message when you don’t reply. You could even text first to say that you will not be around for a while as you are busy atm and will get in touch, yourself, when/if you have a free moment for coffee. It’s hard, but prioritising your needs and removing people like this is good mental health hygiene.

Tell her that you need the day off a month to catch up on household chores/medical appointments/whatever so in the future you'll not be available on that day.
Or if you can't tell her that then just lie and say that work have stopped doing the extra one day off in a month scheme.

And whichever of those you choose, don't enter into any more discussion about meeting up on the day off.

I've unfortunately had to fade out "friendships" like this before. A real friend would understand you need time to yourself an also support you when thins aren't going well for you, not take take take all the time and not listen when you try to tell them you can't meet up for x reason.
I have had a couple of really draining people in the last couple of years and I feel better now I have no contact with them anymore.

I do this as I need days where I don't have to talk or 'people' and just want to be by myself. Only had one friend who kept asking for a while but now seems to understand. It hasn't caused a problem with any of my friends long term.

I suspect that "lovely" in this context means "she doesn't have screaming meltdowns at me or try to wreck my marriage". Just as "he's a great dad" often seems to mean "he doesn't hit the kids and occasionally even takes one of them out".

You don’t owe any explanation or excuse.
Because she is using you and this isn’t a friendship .
protect yourself and stop allowing her to ruin what little free time you have.

She doesn't sound that lovely, honestly.
When she messages again I'd say, 'I've got plans for my day off, let's meet another time.' Give her a few dates and times if you want to (but I'm not sure how good a friendship it sounds). Ignore further messages about your day off.

This doesn’t sound like a friendship worth keeping

Can I ask whether she has imagined food intolerances/allergies? Reminds me of someone.

I would meet only for a specific amount of time.

I feel as though I say this on threads like this quite often but a friend is someone you have a nice time with and, when you’ve seen them, you feel better about yourself and the world in general. If you regularly leave someone’s company feeling tired, drained or depressed then they aren’t meeting your needs.

@Tiddlywinkly It’s clearly many people in these comments don’t understand autism. At all. I know she doesn’t intend to be selfish, she genuinely just does see things and experience things differently.

I try to remain a friend and be supportive where possible, because I hope that people have a little consideration for my own daughter who has her own needs.

Unfortunately, full on honesty is not the best policy, as she is extremely sensitive to absolutely anything she perceives as criticism. She would become 10 times more relentless.

I may have a chat with her husband, explain I’m having my own hard time and ask how he would suggest I word that I need some time to myself. He is really supportive and patient with her, hopefully he will be able to help.

This explains a lot of why you’ve tolerated this for so long. As someone with ASD relatives, I understand the need to make allowances. Though I do believe the saying that “if you’ve met one person with ASD, you’ve met one person with ASD”, you can’t generalise for every person.
There is something off putting in your post though in that at no point have you ever listed positive qualities or things she’s brought to the relationship. Obviously you can’t post every detail of a friendship but perhaps genuinely check in with yourself as the second post reads like you’re kind to her solely in the hope that someone will be kind to your child in the same way. It’s giving the illusion of a friendship to this person but it seems like you pity her and infantilise her - speaking to her husband about how to speak to her just seems so wrong.

I’m confused by your thinking OP.
You put up with the relentless pain of this friendship because she is autistic and you think that is you being kind. And you somehow think that karma will mean your kindness towards her (in other words, your suffering) will somehow manifest itself in kindness being shown towards your own daughter.

If you are honest with yourself, is that a true friendship?

From your OP, you are her unpaid support, listening all day to her negativity while she drains your own battery. And the more you gave, the more she came to rely on you, which in fact has done her no favours if she is going to be hurt when you withdraw from her…as you must in order to save your own well-being.

You sound like a lovely person with good intentions OP but this relationship has
now reached crunch point and it seems to have become a bit dishonest. You no longer enjoy your time with her.

She deserves honesty from you. Honesty delivered in a way which will least hurt her. But if it’s only one day a month you have been seeing her and if she has a husband for support, maybe it won’t hurt her as much as you think to withdraw from her for a while…as long as you are honest.
Let her know it’s no criticism on her but it’s about your own health, …you have overstretched yourself and need a good six months to catch up with your own needs and get back to being yourself again.

Be kind to yourself now OP. You have only one day off per month (if I have understood correctly) and need that one day off to help yourself.
You are no good to anybody else if you don’t help yourself first.

This.

I understand autism well enough in that I'm autistic so are my kids, husband and a lot of my family and friends.

I don't think you need to just accept her dominating/hogging all of your free time or days off, and if she is sensitive to rejection she might need to learn to be a bit less pushy. Could you have a set day where you do something every month? First Sunday of the month or something, so she's got something in the calendar and she might stop hassling about your other day off then.

You could tell her that you enjoy spending time with her, but you need to make sure that you keep a day to yourself so you can get appointments out of the way etc.
Try be assertive and clear but kind.

I’m not sure I agree with having a word with her husband OP… she is an adult presumably with mental capacity. But obviously you know them both and we don’t.

I agree with the comment about this relationship sounding more like unpaid support than a friendship that you enjoy. If you feel compelled to continue to provide this support that’s fine, but try to put firm boundaries around it so she does not become more and more reliant on you… and it does not take up too much of your life as it sounds quite draining for you. You need to keep your energy for yourself and your DD.

I would make it clear that your day off will never be available to her (I need to keep that day free to clean the house / whatever). And think about how much time and energy you are giving her at other times too.

Just tell her. You sound scared of her. Not a great basis for a friendship.
Wouldn't discuss it with her husband either.

How do people even end up.like this? They agree to things they don't want to do and then are scared to back out.