AIBU to protect my day off from a draining friendship?

[Dollywasbrunette]

I have a friend who I see a couple of times a month at most, both mums and we both work, myself I work full time. She is autistic and often very centred around any issues she has come up with, a sudden and imaginary illness, a person who suddenly hates her at work etc.

My own daughter has SEND needs, and I often find when I contact her hoping to offload, as she often does with me for hours at a time, the conversation results in her oddly having the same exact issues with her children, neither of which have SEND. Over the years, I have just put this down to her wishing to relate in some way, and have learned not to call upon her for support.

She is married and has a really hands-on, dedicated husband; he does a lot around the house, as is right, and for their children, again as is right. I have my daughter every day, apart from one weekend a month due to work commitments. Due to this reason, I have one day off in the week per month. I started this job just after Christmas, and happened to mention I was having a day off in the week once a month, with this she took a mental note and kept messaging, asking if it was my day off yet.

The day off came, I was actually looking forward to having a day to myself, but then she called saying she didn’t feel well and she needed a hand. When I got there, she actually seemed well enough and just wanted to catch up. I was a bit miffed but didn’t react. She asked the following month however, I had a hospital appointment that day so wasn’t available.

She’s asked every month since, and on the occasion I have met her, it has literally been her picking holes about where we meet up because she gets too flustered to pick somewhere. I then sit for hours and listen to her going on about imaginary illnesses she has, the kids have, her husband has, how the doctor won’t take her seriously.Anything I raise is spoken about briefly and it’s back to her ailments. After the last time, I’ve actually lied and said I was on overtime, as I’m mentally drained by the time I leave her.

She messaged on Friday, asking what day off I have next month. I still haven’t responded. She has messaged again tonight, but will often go days without responding to me. I don’t want to keep lying, but she is extremely sensitive and will perceive my decline to meet as a personal attack. I have literally no free time. Ever. This day off was going to be for me to do something for myself or catch up at home, read a book, something just for myself. Instead she wants to meet and for me to sit like a plant and listen to her complain.

As I can’t really address the issue fully, what would you say/do? Being mindful to not cause her upset or spoil a friendship. She is a really lovely girl, unfortunately though due to her autism, the friendship is often one sided and can be demanding to her own needs. I find after hours of reassuring her that the new illness she has is nothing serious, or the complaints she’s put in about the school system, or whatever else she has come up with, is actually starting to impact my mood.

Honestly? It sounds as though this woman plans to book you in advance for every day you have to yourself. This would be exhausting and exasperating even if she was really easy company … which she isn’t. Out of nosiness, how would she react if you said you’d made plans with some other person? I ask because I suspect that it would be considered completely unacceptable.

There’s no medal for women who waste their lives being friends with people they don’t like.

I think I’d say life has been tricky/busy recently with one thing and another, and with the busy Christmas period looming you need some time to yourself and to recharge. You hope she understands and you’ll catch up with her in the New Year. You’ll know whether or not you miss her and want to meet in the New Year, and if she can’t give you the space you’ve asked for she’s not really a friend. Avoid any offer to meet up so she can support you, you know if won’t materialise.

Hi Jenny, sorry I haven’t replied for a while. Life got really busy and I just dont have time to meet up right now and don’t know when things will calm down. Hope things are good with you.

"I'm exhausted so won't be able to meet up any time soon"

I'd tell her that you aren't doing the day off a month anymore

With people like that it always helps to sound very needy: 'I'm feeling very stressed and overloaded right now, so I need a day to myself. I can't cope with the outside world right now. I am sure you understand.

You do not have to drain yourself for people who never think you might need replenishing yourself. You are not a support bot.

I’m guessing you are the sort of person who tends to put their own needs last. So (to yourself) try framing your day off not as something for your own wellbeing, but something you do to benefit your children/partner. You have a break to breathe so that you can be more present for them. Perhaps that will help you stand up to this “friend” and defend your day off. I wouldn’t make excuses about why you can’t meet, as she will just try to overcome your objections. And pretending you are working will curtail your plans in case you are spotted or otherwise caught out, turning a pleasant day off into a source of stress. Just say you are not available this month. Every time. Don’t enter into discussions about it. Just repeat “I’m not available this month”. Don’t apologise. If she keeps asking and reframing the question and you have said no twice, either change the subject or stop responding.

100% this

Love some of the responses and ideas here but got to add my two cents. Right or wrong, I’d just lie. No I can’t meet you I’m getting a tooth removed. Sorry no I can’t, I have a hospital appointment for a really gnarly ingrown toenail. Sorry I can’t meet you I’ve booked my smear test that day and won’t be in a chatting mood. Oh I am getting the boiler serviced and getting the car MOTd so can’t meet you sorry!
She might not get the hint but maybe she will!

I don't mean this unkindly at all, but it sounds like you really dislike her. In your description she comes across as a pretty dreadful person to be honest (and you may well be right) - selfish, uncaring, even quite deceitful and manipulative when she lies about illnesses etc.

Can you say why you want to continue the friendship? Is it just because you have been friends a long time and you don't want to lose the connection? If so, that's not really a good reason to stay friends. Especially as it does sound like, whatever her flaws, the friendship is really important to her. Imagine if she knew what you actually think of her. ..... I just wonder if it might be kinder to her, as well as better for your own mental health, to step away from the friendship altogether.

Sorry to disagree with some PPs but i don't see why you should have to lie, you are doing nothig wrong in wanting some time to yourself so tell her the truth in a nice way - my day off is on Thursday but I won't be able to meet up as I need a bit of time to myself to catch up with things/get over a very hectic few weeks (or whatever), will catch you soon.
Or maybe it's just me who can't lie very well and forget what I've said so its just not worth the hassle of trying to remember who I said what to!

Shes not a good friend, friendship is 2 sided and this is one sided, you get nothing from it, you are a rescurer and people pleaser due to your background and you cant let her go, you were taught as a child your value doesnt matter, your so called friend is using you you either end the friendship or say "sue im talking now please dont interupt me"

Why are you still friends with her? Stop replying or tell her honestly you are exhausted and need time to yourself. I honestly don’t know how you manage the rest of your life if you are this passive and this much of a doormat! Start putting yourself first for goodness sake.

She sounds absolutely awful. Unless there is some spectacular drip feed coming, I cannot see why you are friends with her.

@Dandeloosha sorry to derail the thread but great name - I hope you float on a bubble in a beautiful way.

A "friend" said this to me 10 or so years ago, and I definitely wasn't overbearing or anything. She just didn't want to be friends any longer. No reason. I've never forgotten how hurt I felt.

We'd had a previously great friendship, dating back to 1998, and after we both left the workplace we'd met at, we'd meet for lunch once a month, with either one of us suggesting the next venue, so that's all I'd done in my message, and she basically told me to sod off.

Just be aware, op, that she might not be expecting you to all but tell her the friendship is over. I'm all for honesty, but a friend ending things can be so painful if you didn't know anything was wrong.

I’m at a loss to understand why you value this one-sided friendship so much? You need to put some boundaries in place to protect yourself. You don’t have to be unpleasant, just firm. ‘Would have loved to have met up, but… there’s so much I need to catch up on/I have other plans/I’m not free that day…but let’s plan something in a couple of weeks time.’ Don’t let your friend dictate the pace. Take back some control over the situation and you’ll feel so much better. If she reacts badly, then she isn’t the kind of friend you need in your life.

Don’t tell her you have an hour free. She will run with that and take half a day. You have to be blunt and tell her that you are knackered and from now on you won’t be using your day off to socialise. Let her know that your day off doesn’t mean that you are physically or emotionally available and you need her to stop asking. If she pushes back, I would also suggest advising her that like your kids, you understand that she needs to be told in a direct way that you have priorities that don’t include her and the whole reason for having a day off is to make space to take care of yourself, and if she doesn’t respect your boundaries than you are going to put her on pause.

Do you feel like you have to keep seeing her because she reminds you of your daughter? You don’t. She’s a grown woman with her own husband and family. You don’t owe her your one precious day off. She is not nice to you. Repeatedly badgering you with the same question is horrible behaviour, let alone how she acts when you see her.

In terms of practical advice: whatever you tell her this month - that you don’t have the day off, or that you’re busy, or that you need the time solo to decompress - you can just repeat that back whenever she repeats the question. It sounds exhausting and personally I would mute her so I didn’t get the notifications and get stressed every time I saw that pop up during my day.

I wouldn’t lie to her, you’d be on edge all of your day off in case she somehow found out. I would do what the first PP said - tell her you need your day off as a day to yourself to unwind, get some jobs done and chill. You’ve decided you don’t want to meet up on that day anymore as it’s just a day for you. Boundaries OP!

I’m really selfish when it comes to stuff like this and I would have no qualms whatsoever lying every time she asks.

‘My day off is Friday but I can’t meet up as I have the opticians in the morning and the Sky man in the afternoon.’

Next month ‘Sorry can’t meet this month as I have to go to my Mum’s to help her with her cat.

Next month ‘Just need to a day off to reset things at home actually so won’t meet up’.

You could also say work have asked you to be flexible about the day off and so you are not making any plans for those days now. Also say it will make a nice change to have a day to yourself now and again …..

She has a partner who presumably can look after her kids while she comes to you? Why don’t you just start inviting her for dinner when you have your kids, keep your day for you.

I’d drop her