AIBU to protect my day off from a draining friendship?

[Dollywasbrunette]

I have a friend who I see a couple of times a month at most, both mums and we both work, myself I work full time. She is autistic and often very centred around any issues she has come up with, a sudden and imaginary illness, a person who suddenly hates her at work etc.

My own daughter has SEND needs, and I often find when I contact her hoping to offload, as she often does with me for hours at a time, the conversation results in her oddly having the same exact issues with her children, neither of which have SEND. Over the years, I have just put this down to her wishing to relate in some way, and have learned not to call upon her for support.

She is married and has a really hands-on, dedicated husband; he does a lot around the house, as is right, and for their children, again as is right. I have my daughter every day, apart from one weekend a month due to work commitments. Due to this reason, I have one day off in the week per month. I started this job just after Christmas, and happened to mention I was having a day off in the week once a month, with this she took a mental note and kept messaging, asking if it was my day off yet.

The day off came, I was actually looking forward to having a day to myself, but then she called saying she didn’t feel well and she needed a hand. When I got there, she actually seemed well enough and just wanted to catch up. I was a bit miffed but didn’t react. She asked the following month however, I had a hospital appointment that day so wasn’t available.

She’s asked every month since, and on the occasion I have met her, it has literally been her picking holes about where we meet up because she gets too flustered to pick somewhere. I then sit for hours and listen to her going on about imaginary illnesses she has, the kids have, her husband has, how the doctor won’t take her seriously.Anything I raise is spoken about briefly and it’s back to her ailments. After the last time, I’ve actually lied and said I was on overtime, as I’m mentally drained by the time I leave her.

She messaged on Friday, asking what day off I have next month. I still haven’t responded. She has messaged again tonight, but will often go days without responding to me. I don’t want to keep lying, but she is extremely sensitive and will perceive my decline to meet as a personal attack. I have literally no free time. Ever. This day off was going to be for me to do something for myself or catch up at home, read a book, something just for myself. Instead she wants to meet and for me to sit like a plant and listen to her complain.

As I can’t really address the issue fully, what would you say/do? Being mindful to not cause her upset or spoil a friendship. She is a really lovely girl, unfortunately though due to her autism, the friendship is often one sided and can be demanding to her own needs. I find after hours of reassuring her that the new illness she has is nothing serious, or the complaints she’s put in about the school system, or whatever else she has come up with, is actually starting to impact my mood.

God protect and defend me from such "friendships". I do not understand why she's in your life. Friendship is reciprocal, she's using you as a counsellor. If that's the role you want, keep doing what you're doing.

OP mentioned that the friend will take often take days to respond to her messages. But when the OP isn't responding to hers she is repeatedly messaging until she gets a response.

This alone shows that the friend is selfish and doesn't consider the OP at all unless she wants something from her.

When she made out she had an emergency and needed the Op to visit her when she didn't really was when the OP should have realised that she's in a one-sided friendship.

OP you just need to tell your so called friend that you are exhausted every week and your day off will in future be a day for you alone to unwind. That you will not be seeing her on those days. So don't ask about them. If she messages you about them, take a leaf out of the friends book and don't respond until the day after your day off.

If you still want to meet up with her on other days, don't let her dominate the conversation. If she starts to moan about her ailments change the subject. If she takes anything you say about your child and makes it about her, ignore her and bring it back to what you need to say. If she keeps being self centred, tell her you need to be somewhere else and leave immediately, or if at your house, turf her out with any old excuse.

As someone else said you don't need her in your life if she keeps treating you as her personal sounding board without reciprocating whenever you meet up.

Just because she is autistic doesn't mean she must be treated with kid gloves. She may not instinctively know social cues and expectations, but she can and should have learned some of them by now.

Maybe she hasn't and has driven other friends away hence her clinging to you and her demands on your free time.

But now us the time to tell her straight that she is in danger of pushing you away if it doesn't stop.

You don’t owe anyone your peace. She can harp all she wants, but she can’t make you do anything - she’s not paying you, why should she get to order you around?
let her go

‘I’ve been really stressed and run down recently, and something has to change. I can’t change my parenting role, and I need my job, so I have decided to block my days off to cope, so I won’t be making any plans or scheduling anything at all on my monthly day off from now on and see if that helps. I know you understand, I’ll see you next week/ in a couple of weeks!’

You can’t have it both ways OP.
You don’t want to see her (understandably) but you don’t want to upset her or ruin the friendship.
There is no magic message solution, other than a polite version of the truth.

You have to be prepared to suffer the minor fallout of taking the friendship down a level or two.

‘Hi friend, things are fraught/busy/frantic at work and home so I can no longer respond immediately to your messages. As for my precious day off, for now I really need that one day to catch up with myself and to rest up…I’m sure you will understand.
I will message you when I feel more rested. Take care.’

She is too demanding of your free time OP. It’s normal to assert yourself a bit more and put yourself first. In fact it’s daft to continue to subject yourself to being her support system on your one day off when you yourself are drained.
So many other much nicer things you could and should be doing for your own well being.
If she kicks off or questions you then repeat your message again ….’I don’t have time right now but I’ll let you know when I do’ then archive her messages.

Do not be bullied into saying yes.

Exactly! Only on Mn do posters regularly waste their time socialising with people they call ‘lovely’, but whose behaviour is anything but, and whom they simply don’t like but feel mysteriously compelled to see regularly because they think it’s the right thing to do…

What in the holy fuck are YOU getting out of this friendship exactly? You’ve spoken at length of what SHE gets out of it - from YOU.

You also say ‘she’s a lovely girl’ - how exactly?

Just say that your shift pattern has changed.And you no longer have that day off

Don’t meet her for an hour, you know she’ll outstay and you’re incapable of asserting yourself even when she’s persistent on text so you’ll be stuck with her in person, building up more resentment. Please set some proper boundaries around this day and your availability to her in general. Whether it’s her autism or not is irrelevant, she’s a drain and doesn’t care about your feelings so stop bending over backwards to spare hers. Simply say you can’t meet up on your days off any more as you have plans. If she pushes, repeat. If she pushes too far, say you need the time for yourself. You don’t need to engage in what she wants or needs. She’s not a lovely friend to you and if she’s upset about this, that proves it. Never get to the point of caving and saying okay. Mute her if you need to. It’s too much. You’re allowed to have time and space.

Crikey she sounds exhausting! What on earth is in this ‘friendship’ for you? It sounds like you are only maintaining the link out of a sense of obligation and there’s no real heartfelt enjoyment at seeing her (understandably).
You don’t owe her anything. You don’t have to justify yourself. You can spend that one precious day as you see fit. You can say ‘Yeah unfortunately that’s not going to work for me’, each and every time.

What would be your ideal amount of contact with this woman?

Just say you’re busy/have an appointment if you don’t want to say why. I’d honestly probably just say I no longer have a day off a month due to work commitments if you wanted it to stop completely.

Also, you mention you don’t want to spoil the friendship. But what exactly would you stand to lose from ‘spoiling’ it, by ringfencing your day off and not having to see this draining person socially any more?

It sounds like that day would be better spent, a thousand times over, doing something you enjoy with people who you like, where there is reciprocity and a mutual sense of fun and nourishment in the connection.

@Dollywasbrunette are the lines blurred because shes like your daughter, and you somehow feel you want people to be accepting of your daughter if in the same scenarios?

Personally id fade her out, as id fade anyone out if it wasn't suiting me. Id never cut people off dramatically as not my style but if anyone made me feel dread when meeting them, id make them just a phone friend. Just say to her you arent feeling well and want time to do your own stuff, or dont answer the phone. Let her husband listen to her grumbles.

I’d say that you’re burning out (which is true) and cannot commit to any plans at all. Don’t tell her the day you have off. Just say “sorry, I can’t” on repeat.

If on the day you fancy a coffee and a listen to her moan chat then great, but if not, you can do what YOU want.

Honestly she sounds like a total nightmare: she wants to block book your diary for months so she can offload onto you and not get anything back. What has happened to you to make you think this is an acceptable friendship?

I think if you’re honest with yourself you know she’s not a real friend. I think you can push back by saying you aren’t prepared to have your calendar booked up like this: you don’t have to justify this to her. She’s not your employer.

Sack her off.

This is what I would do.

I would tell a small lie and say you have lost your monthly day off, or are doing overtime. If you want to remain friends though she sounds draining so maybe it's time to re-evaluate if it's still worth it.

Seriously just tell them you dont get the time off any more.
I get Fridays off, only DH knows!

I think you also need to take some responsibility for the dynamic that has developed between you. She has autism and you can’t expect her to therefore approach the relationship in the way that you would - these are your neurotypical rules and they are largely unspoken - that is a major part of what autism is and how it is defined. So, you must be more direct about what your needs are: eg i have something important I’d like to share with you so can I take a turn now / I need you to listen not share your own experience (although this is a big part of how ND relate so try to recognise this is her trying) / I only have an hour before I need to leave so can I share my news too / I can’t meet you in my day off because of xyz or because I don’t feel like it. At the moment you are expecting her to know how you feel and failing to communicate it with her.

Added to that you seem to be very dismissive of her ill health even though is is well known that there are lots of physical health conditions that overlap with autism and that doctors gaslight autistic people routinely leading to much earlier deaths.

Remember also that ND is genetic so if you have a child with SEND it’s either from you or their dad.

You are incompatible at the moment but you can be good friends if you take some responsibility for 50% of the communication given she has a disability it’s the least you can do surely. You wouldn’t tell a friend who uses a wheelchair you don’t want be their friend as they’re no good at walking up mountains you’d find something else to do with them. Actually that makes me think - if the intense chats are not working for you then change her into a friend that you do something with. Autistic people are generally better at doing.

And if she is treating you like a therapist then recommend she gets one - just be kind but very clear about telling her why

She is not a lovely person.
She waits for you to have a day off and saves it in her mind as dump day.
She never considers you at all.
I would tell her there is overtime in work and with Christmas coming you’ve taken it.
I had to end a friendship like this recently and I am also autistic.
I do not miss the person and I am sorry if it hurt her but it started to feel like bullying and it was causing me distress.
Put yourself first.

I too think it's time to let this friendship go. Having friends just for the sake of having them isn't good. Friends should make your life more fun, should be there to listen and laugh with, you should feel happiness when you see that they have messaged and should feel excited to meet up with them. None of that is happening here.

I also had a friend who was absolutely draining me and it took me 2 years to end the friendship because I didn't want to hurt her. What was the deciding factor for me was that there was a death in my family and I couldn't bring myself to tell her what had happened because I knew she would become completely overbearing and make herself the hero in my life somehow, whilst probably also talking at length about some distant great uncle of hers who had died and how horribly sad it was for her. Now it's been over a year and I have heard nothing from her, it's so freeing.

"Sorry Susan changed my hours at work so I no longer get a day off anymore." One white lie will not hurt. I am autistic and wouldn't do this so please don't give her a free pass just because of that.

This!

Don't lie. Just say you don't like meeting up on your day off as you need that time to decompress and do your own thing. That's 100 per cent allowed!! Then if she badgers you just repeat that. Not sure what I'm doing but in any event we can't meet on that day as it's my decompress day. That shuts any conversation about that day down for the future

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I wonder if you say you're feeling overwhelmed or your social battery is low (terms I use as autistic when I can't handle more socialising) whether she'd understand better? And next month you're getting ahead of Christmas right?