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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to tell my daughter to report a flatmate's mother?

569 replies

Boxingshibes · 27/09/2026 17:07

Dd went to university a couple of weeks ago. She is setting in well and likes her flatmates.
Unfortunately there seems to be a problem with one of them. She is an international student and her mum came over to help settle her in, all fine.
BUT
The mum is still there, sleeping in the same room as the daughter.
The rest of them are getting increasingly annoyed as she's just there and as she doesn't speak any English it's difficult to ask what her plans are.
When dd moved in her contract said that she wasn't allowed any overnight guests to stay more than 2 consecutive nights.
Its been 2 weeks!
I've told them to go to student housing/ welfare and say something. Maybe they can do something?
Surely at the very least it's a safety issue if there was a fire or something as this woman isn't supposed to be there?
The rest of them dont want to get this girl and her mum into trouble but if the mums visa runs out surely that's worse?
I know I can't do anything but how do I get through to dd?

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 28/09/2026 16:49

Nevs · 28/09/2026 16:20

Ex international student here. With all due respect, your English is worse than mine so I doubt you’ve set foot in a university before. With that in mind- where are you obtaining this information from?

That's fantastic.

You are right. I'm pretty sure that poster doesn't have any kind of 'further' education. 😂

CrashWed · 28/09/2026 16:57

Nevs · 28/09/2026 16:20

Ex international student here. With all due respect, your English is worse than mine so I doubt you’ve set foot in a university before. With that in mind- where are you obtaining this information from?

One of my favourite rejoinders on MN 👏

Nevs · 28/09/2026 17:05

Hatty65 · 28/09/2026 16:49

That's fantastic.

You are right. I'm pretty sure that poster doesn't have any kind of 'further' education. 😂

Damn those pesky FOREIGNERS takin g ouR STUDUNT loans and oUr literacy

graygoose · 28/09/2026 17:09

I am half Chinese and grew up in Asia. I doubt that the mum is an asylum seeker or intends to skim off the NHS or whatever nuts conspiracy theories on this thread, if this student and her mum are from China. It’s very common for Asian parents to be hyper involved and if this girl has never had any experience of caring for herself then her mum might stay with her.

The question is, is this just for a few weeks to help her settle in and find her feet (agree it’s extreme and inappropriate by western standards but they may not be aware of this) or is it intended to be permanent?

As others have said, your DD and her flatmates need to talk to this girl and ask her how long her mum is staying. Say they understand if she needs help settling in but it’s against the rules for her mum to be staying in halls with her long term. Say it politely, not as a threat, but make it clear that it’s been noted and the flat mates aren’t ok with it.

If mum wants to stay longer to help her DD settle into uni, she needs to find and pay for her own accommodation. Her immigration status is no one’s concern imo, but she needs to get out of halls. Again, it may be a cultural mismatch where mum and daughter think it’s totally fine but the other young people in halls who have gone to uni to bond with other young people and experience independence alongside getting an education are being shortchanged. This girl is also being shortchanged of finding her own way and making friendships. Many thousands of international students manage fine without sharing a bed with their mum every night.

The above assumes the mum and daughter are Chinese, and obviously being Chinese is not a monolith and I can’t vouch for or explain the behaviours of over a billion people. But I think the cultural background and therefore potential for misunderstanding is relevant.

OneFastPinkTraybake · 28/09/2026 17:10

pragmatistnyuk · 28/09/2026 16:06

these so called universities pack the so called courses with foreign students who get RITISH government loans to pay the course fees, straight i to the Swiss bank k account, a d further loans for subsistence, NOT A PENNY IF WHICH will ever be repaid.
It us out and out FRAUD for which YOU are paying.

No they don't. International students pay their own fees.

pragmatistnyuk · 28/09/2026 17:12

check YOUR facts !!!!

sittingonabeach · 28/09/2026 17:12

pragmatistnyuk · 28/09/2026 17:12

check YOUR facts !!!!

Check your spelling

GardenAnarchist · 28/09/2026 17:13

pragmatistnyuk · 28/09/2026 16:06

these so called universities pack the so called courses with foreign students who get RITISH government loans to pay the course fees, straight i to the Swiss bank k account, a d further loans for subsistence, NOT A PENNY IF WHICH will ever be repaid.
It us out and out FRAUD for which YOU are paying.

This is why we need the Laugh reaction back, MNHQ!

Nevs · 28/09/2026 17:16

pragmatistnyuk · 28/09/2026 17:12

check YOUR facts !!!!

You can always get an indication of a poster’s (lack of) intelligence by the way they USE CAPITALS at random, and add excessive exclamation marks. They don’t strengthen your argument, by the way. A validated source however does, I’d be interested to read it if you could provide the link?

graygoose · 28/09/2026 17:17

graygoose · 28/09/2026 17:09

I am half Chinese and grew up in Asia. I doubt that the mum is an asylum seeker or intends to skim off the NHS or whatever nuts conspiracy theories on this thread, if this student and her mum are from China. It’s very common for Asian parents to be hyper involved and if this girl has never had any experience of caring for herself then her mum might stay with her.

The question is, is this just for a few weeks to help her settle in and find her feet (agree it’s extreme and inappropriate by western standards but they may not be aware of this) or is it intended to be permanent?

As others have said, your DD and her flatmates need to talk to this girl and ask her how long her mum is staying. Say they understand if she needs help settling in but it’s against the rules for her mum to be staying in halls with her long term. Say it politely, not as a threat, but make it clear that it’s been noted and the flat mates aren’t ok with it.

If mum wants to stay longer to help her DD settle into uni, she needs to find and pay for her own accommodation. Her immigration status is no one’s concern imo, but she needs to get out of halls. Again, it may be a cultural mismatch where mum and daughter think it’s totally fine but the other young people in halls who have gone to uni to bond with other young people and experience independence alongside getting an education are being shortchanged. This girl is also being shortchanged of finding her own way and making friendships. Many thousands of international students manage fine without sharing a bed with their mum every night.

The above assumes the mum and daughter are Chinese, and obviously being Chinese is not a monolith and I can’t vouch for or explain the behaviours of over a billion people. But I think the cultural background and therefore potential for misunderstanding is relevant.

Also I was an international student back in the day. My parents lived literally on the other side of the world. I spoke English (obviously!) but I was also many thousands of miles from home and managed just fine without my mother sleeping in my bed. Dear lord, the very thought of it would have made me die. So let’s not go “poor international students, they’re so far from home.” Yeah, they’re also legally adults and made a voluntary decision to study abroad. It’s hardly being sent off to a Gulag and never seeing your family again.

OneFastPinkTraybake · 28/09/2026 17:21

pragmatistnyuk · 28/09/2026 17:12

check YOUR facts !!!!

You're talking rubbish

Teenytinypineapple · 28/09/2026 17:30

@Nevs there were two Russian ladies on my course, at Uni. They would usually be found together... Studying, chatting, eating... Whatever. If anyone went remotely near them, they would immediately switch from speaking in Russian to speaking in English. I thought it was a very considerate gesture. They were absolutely lovely (and very intelligent) women.

I also found the Russian people to be extremely welcoming and friendly towards me and my husband when we went to Moscow a few years ago, though I refused to even try speaking a word of the language until Day 3... When we were lost... And I asked someone for directions... Then didn't understand the answer! Thankfully, they literally pointed us in the right direction!

InterviewGhost · 28/09/2026 17:41

Boxingshibes · 28/09/2026 08:14

I dont mean to be 'wimpy' but I also dont want to be 'that'' mum.
I'll see what happens today. I can call housing this week if needed.
My few weeks comment is when I'm physically in the uni town.

OP, I work in HE. Your daughter is over 18 and unless she gives permission for you to discuss this matter with the uni on her behalf, they will not engage with you. It would be better for you to work with DD to agree how she would formulate a report to her uni, or, how she would engage with them.

Nevs · 28/09/2026 18:00

Teenytinypineapple · 28/09/2026 17:30

@Nevs there were two Russian ladies on my course, at Uni. They would usually be found together... Studying, chatting, eating... Whatever. If anyone went remotely near them, they would immediately switch from speaking in Russian to speaking in English. I thought it was a very considerate gesture. They were absolutely lovely (and very intelligent) women.

I also found the Russian people to be extremely welcoming and friendly towards me and my husband when we went to Moscow a few years ago, though I refused to even try speaking a word of the language until Day 3... When we were lost... And I asked someone for directions... Then didn't understand the answer! Thankfully, they literally pointed us in the right direction!

I’m happy to hear of your positive experience with Russians, we don’t get much positive endorsements I don’t think 🙂

About the language, don’t ever be shy to attempt to speak Russian with Russian people. In the UK there is mass immigration, many of which speak perfect English. Here, that is the norm and sets the standards high. In contrast, Russia has much lower rates of immigration, and the foreigners living there never speak correct Russian. Ever. Because it is a much more complex difficult language to learn. Nobody would judge you for mispronunciation or not getting the words right, they’d just be happy you’re making the effort 🙂

2boyzNosleep · 28/09/2026 18:03

Hatty65 · 27/09/2026 17:28

It's a fire safety issue because the housing register shows 5 students (or whatever) in that flat

Not 6 people. If there is a fire then no one is coming to look for her or checking she is out of there. They don't know she exists.

Fuck all to do with being foreign. It's to do with common sense and legal requirements.

Its not a fire issue if they are all allowed to have guests overnight, just not for more than 2 consecutive days.

RedToothBrush · 28/09/2026 18:04

Boxingshibes · 27/09/2026 17:31

Its halls of residence. They have asked the girls but she evades the question.
She says she doesn't know.
Its just very awkward and weird. The girl doesn't really leave her room and if she does her mum is there. If the ithers put something in the oven and leave the kitchen if the girls mum is in the kitchen the mum switches off the oven!
They (dd and others) have had friends over and the mum has come out and shouted at them( no one understood), then the daughter came out and apologised. It was 11pm,they were about to go out.
Surely it's odd?

Halls of residence. Report report report.

There are so many issues here in terms of unacceptable.

Teenytinypineapple · 28/09/2026 18:06

InterviewGhost · 28/09/2026 17:41

OP, I work in HE. Your daughter is over 18 and unless she gives permission for you to discuss this matter with the uni on her behalf, they will not engage with you. It would be better for you to work with DD to agree how she would formulate a report to her uni, or, how she would engage with them.

What about if the University received an anonymous tip? Would they not owe a duty of care to the residents to investigate?

I'm not suggesting Mum does this, by the way - I'm in the corner that reckons adults should learn to do things for themselves.

Boxingshibes · 28/09/2026 18:07

UPDATE- they apparently spoke to the girl last night. She disappeared back into her room.
There was apparently much loud shouting in Mandarin/Cantonese.
The mum spent today loudly cleaning the kitchen and has they think left!
They are planning to go to student union tonight and the girl has appeared and asked to come with them.
I know thus through text but will be getting a call later! Woohoo!

OP posts:
InterviewGhost · 28/09/2026 18:07

Teenytinypineapple · 28/09/2026 18:06

What about if the University received an anonymous tip? Would they not owe a duty of care to the residents to investigate?

I'm not suggesting Mum does this, by the way - I'm in the corner that reckons adults should learn to do things for themselves.

We can’t (or shouldn’t) consider anonymous complaints. We being HEIs.

Mums best bet here is to help her daughter make the report, for the reasons you mention.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 28/09/2026 18:08

Well that sounds positive well done to your dd and friends sorting it.

creativelady22 · 28/09/2026 18:09

This is not ok… I also need to know how this one pans out so keep us posted OP

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2026 18:12

Boxingshibes · 28/09/2026 18:07

UPDATE- they apparently spoke to the girl last night. She disappeared back into her room.
There was apparently much loud shouting in Mandarin/Cantonese.
The mum spent today loudly cleaning the kitchen and has they think left!
They are planning to go to student union tonight and the girl has appeared and asked to come with them.
I know thus through text but will be getting a call later! Woohoo!

A very positive update, OP, and it's heartwarming to hear the student's now making efforts to join in

I just hope this doesn't lead to her being pulled out of the Uni. The culture's strong on honouring parents at all times, and if the parents wanted to insist on this I doubt there'd be much room for argument

LBFseBrom · 28/09/2026 18:12

That sounds positive, I am pleased for your daughter.

Kokonimater · 28/09/2026 18:13

Yes report it.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 28/09/2026 18:14

Boxingshibes · 28/09/2026 18:07

UPDATE- they apparently spoke to the girl last night. She disappeared back into her room.
There was apparently much loud shouting in Mandarin/Cantonese.
The mum spent today loudly cleaning the kitchen and has they think left!
They are planning to go to student union tonight and the girl has appeared and asked to come with them.
I know thus through text but will be getting a call later! Woohoo!

Very strange, well done to the girls for speaking up and yes they should report it to housing.

I remember being friends with a Chinese international student ages ago and I remember how relieved she was to be away from her overbearing parents. From my understanding talking with her then because of the one child policy many Chinese parents literally pour everything into their one child resulting in so much pressure and very very high expectations as well as difficulty for the parents to let go and allow the kids grow independently.

A mother moving into her daughter's room in a shared student accommodation is the highest level of helicopter parenting and it looks like even the girl is tired and wants her to leave.

Irrespective of what her visa is, that's not your daughter or the others girls problem and that has nothing to do with her staying in the student accomodation when she isn't supposed to. I really have no idea why visa is being brought into this at all.