AIBU to think my friend is being weird about a book she says I borrowed

[Pettyargument]

A few weeks ago I caught up with my friend ‘Ruth’ we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. We were talking about books and she said I’ll never lend you a book again as years ago you borrowed a book from me and you never gave it back (as in more than 10 years ago). She said she couldn’t remember the name of the book but it still annoyed her and she’s never forgotten about it. Obviously as she couldn’t remember the name of the book I had no recollection of this but it could well have been possible so I said if it is true then I’m sorry. She just said well it’s definitely true.

So today she messages me and says she’s remembers the name of the book and if I have it can I give it back. It doesn’t look remotely familiar or like the kind of book I’d want to read. I replied and said sorry it doesn’t look at all familiar and I’ve definitely never read it. She’s just replied and said well you definitely took it but oh well. I’ve not relied because what is there to say to that?

I know it’s not a major in the scheme of things and as my name says it’s a petty argument but

Am I not being unreasonable to think it’s just a bit weird and overly intense for a book potentially borrowed years and years ago?

or

I am being unreasonable and it’s understandable she’s annoyed and I should maybe apologise properly or even offer to replace the book. I mean as I said to her initially it’s not outside of the realms of possibility that I borrowed a book and didn’t give it back.

What a weird and rude thing for her to say/do. Is she always petty and mean spirited? Could she be ill? I couldn't be arsed with her at all after this tbh, I'd always be wondering when the next stupid accusation would come at me.

I'd also consider her a bit ignorant, considering she clearly doesn't know that her memory, like all memories, is absolutely subject to alteration and her "definitely did it" claim after a decade has passed means nothing much. On that basis alone, she should have left it.

Id let the friendship explode who has time for that level of petty shit.

Does your friend have quite a forceful personality? If it wasn't a book you normally would read could she have have pushed it on you and you took it for the sake of peace, didn't read it and forgot about it.

YANBU, and yes, your friend is being weird. If I had lent a book to someone and it wasn't returned in a timely manner and I really wanted it back I would ask for it. Otherwise I would just forget about it and move on - it's only a book and if it was that important to me I would have got myself another copy. She actually sounds rather lacking in grace and not someone I would want as a friend. I certainly wouldn't be buying her a copy of the book. I loaned someone $10 a few weeks ago, they've gone home (to another part of the country) and I won't be seeing the money. So be it - I'm not going to demand it should they ever come back this way.

Apparently you borrowed a book a decade or more ago and it’s that important she can’t remember the name of it. Put her in the recycling where the book belongs. Honestly has she nothing better in her life to do then complain. Did she have special notes in the margins?

Well I do have an update. I sent a message saying as it was obviously bothering her I would buy her a copy of the book. There was no reply for hours and hours and then a sweetness and light reply saying. Oh no, it's not that big of a deal, I don't tend to keep books anyway but it was a good book so if you're interested you should get it out of the library and read it.

So that's very weird, I can only assume she was having a bad day. Still slightly irked that she thinks her memory is flawless considering she's only just remembered the title of the book and 10+ years ago we would've both been in throes the young children years. So, I'm not buying the book and will put this odd chapter behind me and I will never borrow anything off her ever again (if I did in fact ever borrow the book from her in the first place - I shall never know).

Well I would not even say that you’d had an argument but you haven’t you have had a discussion. Maybe look for a copy of the book and give it to her. I must say I do believe that if you borrow something from someone you should give it back, it’s not yours you’re only lending it.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. It would freak me out to know she stored up resentment in this way. Loads of people forget to return stuff. I don't lend things if I care about getting them back. I might get her another copy just to lay it to rest but then I would let the friendship go.

I'm not surprised, if she spends much of it getting angry about unreturned loans of things that aren't even important to her!

I finish a book and pass it along. I never expect it back. So finding it hard to see how anyone would care. There must be something else going on in her life.

This

Ah sorry, just seen your update. Does all sound a bit odd.

If I didn't tell you that you could keep the book or pass it on l, then I would expect it to be returned . I would definitely bring it up if we were talking about books, to explain why I will not be lending you another.

It's weird how we can be so annoyed about something so many years later, isn't it?! I've just remembered I leant my very good friend an LP back in 1991! It was some 1960s compilation (we were both into 60s music back in the day!). I don't think I'd have the nerve to ask for it back now, but I still remember!

Surprised she could be bothered asking at this stage That said, I’m still really annoyed I didn’t get two beautiful hard back baby books I lent to good friends, and that was decades ago. I read someone saying she writes ‘stolen from Claire’ inside her books when she buys them, just in case. Clever.

I’d order it from a used book seller online, they’re reasonable, and give it to her if she’s that fussed about it. Ask if you can borrow it sometime as you’ve never read it.

I think I’d get her a copy of the book if she’s that bothered by it .
I couldn’t get worked up about it !
My neighbour where I used to live ( I’ve moved x2 since then ) has a couple of books of mine but since I lent them to her while she was recovering from major surgery I’m not chasing her for them .
Same with another friend who was local to me , a friend of mine when I lived overseas and my SIL !

I've been un similar position.... Sometimes they people assume that you don't have to want it back BECAUSE you've 'leant' it to them! Even when I've been explicit I want it back...

Similarly I resented hugely keep having to remember to ask them for the items to be returned... Several times...

I'm also irritated it means I rarely lend stuff now to anyone cos of these type of experiences.

Maybe just a heart felt apology that you can’t remember and an offer to replace it. You’ve probably annoyed her more by denying you had it. Just apologise because even if she’s wrong, it doesn’t really matter does it?

Did you tell her you are not interested thanks?!

I know you said she’s had a stressful time, but it sounds like she actually just wanted to take it out on you, and basically scold you about being inconsiderate towards her. If that’s not fair for the support you give as a friend then it’s worth keeping in mind.

@Pettyargument that's a very weird update. Keep an eye on her.

It's funny what our memories do to us - and they are not always correct @Pettyargument . Many, many years ago, my sister asked to borrow a book. I didn't especially like it and I then forgot all about it. As did she.

Some 10 - 15 or more years later, I saw it on her bookshelf, recognised it and said something like, 'Oh there's my book. I had forgotten you borrowed it'. Her reply was ' oh no, that's my book' and she was quite fierce about it! I wasn't going to argue about it with her, so I just left it! It wasn't worth an argument!

But I have never forgotten that - I must have loaned it about 50 years ago and she's been dead for nearly 30 years!

I agree with @YourOliveBalonz .

This (sort of) happened to me a few years ago but in this case someone's teen daughter was the one insisting I had borrowed my friend's book. This is not a friend I see in person frequently - I had not been in her home for several years at that point and have seen her DD maybe twice in the past (more than ten) years. The last time was a packed holiday party where no one was talking about or borrowing books. Very bizarre.

I agree it's annoying when someone borrows something and doesn't return it, but it's also surprising irksome to be accused of something you haven't done.

I had a friend like this for many years. Held grudges over things that happened years ago and that she had often misremembered. Misered over every penny she spent on someone else to the point she’d expect you to pay back the extra 50p more she spent on a round. Clung on to every perceived slight through the years but couldn’t apologise for her own bad behaviour or often even acknowledge it. And on and on it went until I decided she was too much like hard work and cut her off.

In the past, I willingly loaned things out, but no more. I once spent all summer asking a neighbour to return an expensive hoe he had borrowed. Now, my answer is an automatic.”no” to any request to borrow anything at all - with the explanation that it’s nothing personal, but I’ve been let down in the past and now this is simply my policy for all such requests.