AIBU to think my friend is being weird about a book she says I borrowed

[Pettyargument]

A few weeks ago I caught up with my friend ‘Ruth’ we’ve known each other for more than 30 years. We were talking about books and she said I’ll never lend you a book again as years ago you borrowed a book from me and you never gave it back (as in more than 10 years ago). She said she couldn’t remember the name of the book but it still annoyed her and she’s never forgotten about it. Obviously as she couldn’t remember the name of the book I had no recollection of this but it could well have been possible so I said if it is true then I’m sorry. She just said well it’s definitely true.

So today she messages me and says she’s remembers the name of the book and if I have it can I give it back. It doesn’t look remotely familiar or like the kind of book I’d want to read. I replied and said sorry it doesn’t look at all familiar and I’ve definitely never read it. She’s just replied and said well you definitely took it but oh well. I’ve not relied because what is there to say to that?

I know it’s not a major in the scheme of things and as my name says it’s a petty argument but

Am I not being unreasonable to think it’s just a bit weird and overly intense for a book potentially borrowed years and years ago?

or

I am being unreasonable and it’s understandable she’s annoyed and I should maybe apologise properly or even offer to replace the book. I mean as I said to her initially it’s not outside of the realms of possibility that I borrowed a book and didn’t give it back.

The book is a classic. It is possible that she lent you a nice early edition that she loved as a child, and you didn't notice really because it's a kid's book and you still have never heard of it even now. A new edition might not make up for it, but you can try.
(I obviously have a similar story of a beloved, world - famous classic in an early printrun complete with lovely paper and inscriptions from the relatives who treasured it. I lent it to someone who obviously thought it was a tatty old copy of a boring book and never returned it.)

Wasn't there a thread some time back where OP's friend had bought a book from the second-hand book shop at a National Trust place, and there were hundreds of pounds hidden in the pages?

I can't remember whether OP's friend had wanted to buy the book regardless and later discovered the cash when she got home, or whether she had been leafing through it in the shop, spotted the hidden money, and then snapped it up because it contained the cash?!

@ThunderFog why would you loan out such an item? That really is on you.
Don’t loan stuff that is precious to you.

Why the f**k are you bothering.
If you don't remember the title and don't remember reading, or borrowing it,
then you obviously did not.

10 years on she mentions this, and you suddenly think you forgot because of your then drinking.
Stop it, wise up, and bin her.
For some unknown reason she is making you beholden to her, over an imaginary lend that in all probability never happened. At least not to you.

It all sounds so trivial and unnecessary on her part.
And she seems to be relishing your guilt trip.

Well I'm not very bothered about the missing book so yes, I'm more distressed by people who don't know the definition of "to borrow".

That's a lovely idea 😊

There's a few different possibilities here but it's too long ago to know the truth. Even the OP says it's possible she did borrow it. Fact is sometimes you lend something, ask for it back and get blanked or the other person says they'll give it back but don't or deny they ever had it! Maybe the friend lent it and maybe she didn't but why is it troubling her now? Ask her if she's like a new copy.

I’d maybe mention it once but then leave it. Anything more than that is weird.

If she is that petty and if you want to be nice in a passive aggressive kind of way then send her a sorry card with a 20 quid book token.

I get very irritated if I do lend things to people and they don’t return them. It feels like they are disrespecting me and my things. As such, I have learned in life not to let anyone have anything that I’m bothered about. However, I’m not sure I would be bringing it up over 10 years later if I’m honest. I would’ve let go of it by then but that’s just me.

I'd send her this book instead...

Totally. I could replace the edition - there were lots printed and so nicely made that they are still around.
The funny thing is I thought it was obvious to anyone how magical my book was. Same for the OP's friend: I totally get why she could feel like that, but yup, don't lend what you can't bear to lose.

Buy a replacement copy and slip it into her bookcase when she's not looking. Then send another one in the post so she ends up with two copies.
That will bamboozle her!

I had a friend do this to me one time but in my case I was certain she never lent the book to me. The whole thing felt a bit gas-lighty like she was bullying me for the hell of it over something that never happened.
I ended the friendship a few years later when I realised she never contacted me or invited me anywhere unless she wanted something from me (a lift to hospital, help with a dissertation, help marketing her business.)
She was a bit of a user so it was no loss in the end, but I was sad because I had tried hard to be a good friend to her.

You reminded her 3 or 4 times about a £1 bib that I presume was completely unsentimental to you?

I must have been mistaken as I've not seen him for years and there would be no way anyone else could have returned it. It's just very odd that in all these years it only "reappears" after he died!

People never return books in my experience and I find it really annoying. That's why I never lend books (or anything) I care about. I'm not sure why everyone is saying just buy another one/it's not a big deal; some books are hard or impossible to find.

Whatever is going on it’s 100% not about the book!

My lovely late DSis borrowed my south east Asia lonely planet 25 years ago. It’s bothered me all that time that she never returned it, because I had loads of notes made inside it of places I had stayed and visited. I’ve accepted that if I ever mention it to my BIL he will think I am completely batshit, but I do sometimes entertain the idea of casually dropping it into the conversation, only to come to the conclusion, again, that there is no way on earth that it would ever come across as being casual.

A friend gifted me a dress, months later when I wore it to visit her, she asked where I'd got it from, I'm lying I'd stolen it.

Never spoken about again as I said she'd given it to me.
I often wonder if she actually still believes I stole it.
It is frustrating and annoying, but like you OP, we've been friends forever and bringing it up again would damage the friendship.

She could have also lent to someone else and misremembered.

I had something similar many years ago when a friend gave me (l thought) a very tatty paperback copy of a book she had had,which reminded her of the north-east; the region she came from originally. It was not my style and fell apart so I got rid either. Several months later, my friend asked for the book back as it was precious to her. I found out afterwards that she was a hoarder. However the onus was on me and this was a time before easy internet searches for a poor quality out of print book so I bought a Catherine Cookson book from a charity shop and told her that I did not know where her book was - a half-truth because I had no idea where the landfill was - but that Catherine Cookson’s books were set in the north-east and hoped she would find it an acceptable replacement to remind her of her roots. She was very happy and, thankfully, my guilty conscience was assuaged.

I kind of feel the same - except that I wonder if this woman is showing (early) signs of dementia? If you truly have never read/borrowed the book, OP, then I’d question whether she is actually okay in herself.

This has me in stitches

We also have stopped lending books and DVD’s. We have lost a couple of personal treasures that are no longer available anywhere.

i even started to put name stickers on the book..

another thing that recently peeved me off was I was asked to provide a baby photo of myself by a relative. She was making up a then and now photo board. I visited last month and the board was no where to be seen.

I want to ask for my baby photo back…