Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

OP you’ve had so many replies out pretty much saying the same thing, that you should abort. I agree with this. I say this to someone who had a child with the most toxic man and it has wrecked my mental health for years. This is one of those moments where one decision can change your life for the worst forever. You have the chance to cut off ties with this awful man and save a child from an awful abusive father. I know an abortion will be hard but trust me a lifetime with that man in your life will be harder.
This isn’t your last chance to have a child!

He bit his own baby.

He beat up his own 9yo.

Even if he wasn’t in your life by his own instigation, what if the kid grows up and tracks him down? Another opportunity for him to inflict pain and abuse?

I can’t believe I’m saying this, as I usually lean pro life, but if you continue your pregnancy I would be terrified what this violent child abusing bastard might do to your vulnerable baby. Because we have all heard stories of how hard it is to ban violent men from any contact. The only way it could possibly work would be if you could prevent him ever finding out that you continued the pregnancy. Otherwise he’ll probably make your life hell just to punish you.

Why do you want to have a baby with a man who beats his kids?

Maybe ask yourself whether you want to burden this baby with his genes?

This is messed up, I know he is vile but he’s also messaged me everyday for two years. We’ve been on holiday. He was there when no one was. I don’t know love. Our relationship was a product of me having a terrible life and childhood. I feel like I can’t have the abortion because I haven’t truly digested how evil he is, because it’s the only affection I’ve known. I’ve become obsessed with him and his validation, his attention and his approval. I’ve blocked him and told him we cannot have contact but deep down inside I know I can’t take the pills because I’m obsessed with him. I’m being accountable here. It’s embarrasing but his hold on me is insane. Hes of such low character but I find him intoxicating I hate myself for it. Hes evil but he has such a hold on me.

I would have an abortion just because of the fear that you'd never be completely free of him. He could reappear and destroy your life whenever he wanted. It's hard, but you might have peace of mind. You also say you feel you have no connection to the baby so it's really not a great start. 💐

OP I am around your age- trust me, we are young and in our prime! Early to mid 30's is a fantastic age for meeting somebody as you know yourself far better and will tolerate less BS. Most of my friends haven't had kids yet and nobody is fretting at all. It would be a different conversation if you were 46 and this was truly your last chance. If you keep the baby, it is highly unlikely that you will find a decent kind man as a single mum with a violent, abusive ex who brings nothing but drama.

@khakipant i don’t. Reading is essential. I’m just to scared to take the pills because im nearly 35 and desperate to be a mum. I never knew he beat his kids when this pregnancy was conceived. It’s a lot to find out in three days.

I think this is a very clear indicator of what your life might be like.

He. Beat. Up. A. 9 year old.........

@BeRoseSloth is this a thing? My dad has horrible mental health issues and me and my 3 siblings really struggle with ours! His son is really violent and medicated now. His ex says her son being autistic clearly comes from him. I’m scared the voice In my head telling it’s gonna be okay is the same messed up voice telling me to stay with him! To ignore his lies! To get pregnant in the first place!

I am you, but a bit further down the line, obviously there are some differences.

I was with my partner around 4 years and got pregnant, it wasnt planned but not, not planned if you know what I mean. He seemed man of the year, seemed to be a brilliant partner on the whole but of course there were red flags I missed/ignored and excused, ie hed had a shit life (allegedly), he had cancer when we met (ahem), his parents had died (ahem) etc.

I had the baby, he was all for it. And he genuinely was a great dad for 11 months. He had endless patience, he was just as involved as me etc.
Then he disappeared, one morning he just left while we were planning our babies 1st birthday. I did some digging. Spoke to an old colleague, his ex before me, searched his wider family on social media, death records, everything. Turns out everything was lies. I even found out his dad hadnt died, though he told me he had like 18 months into our relationship, I had to pick him up from work while he cried. He wasnt even dead. Everything was lies, his whole history, the whole story, the whole person I thought I knew. It was brutal and I was heartbroken.

In two days it'll be a year since he left. He hasnt seen or had contact with me/our child in 10 months. Hes just disappeared, which I am grateful of now.

I will never regret my child but I am very regretful of who I had my child with. He could pop up tomorrow, in 2 months, in 2 years, in 10 years etc and effectively go to court for contact. It is always there that he may come back. I could check my phone and a message could pop up, he could write me a letter, he could even show up at my house. He also continues to be a dick by withholding child maintenance, I am awaiting a deduction of earnings but it all takes time. He hasnt reliably paid anything since he left, its all been a faff, more work and stress for me, him doing what he can to get out of it, I know it'll be another 16 years of that (but I wont give up because our child deserves the money)

What i am saying is that a termination is a valid choice. The fact he is abusive towards his other children would push me even further to that decision. Can you imagine if he changed his mind, or wanted to continue to control and manipulate you, and he had some sort of contact. It would be awful. These men do these things, just to punish you/us. If you went ahead with the pregnancy I would tell him you've had a termination and then i would move far away for my own safety and that of my babies, but thats probably not very practical. You are of an age you could easily meet someone else, or even do it yourself without the possibility of this evil man having anything to do with your baby.

Feel free to message me. I also have had a termination in my early 20s so can relate on a few different levels. I am so sorry this is all happening to you.

@Iceandfire92 read what I said. Hes evil, but has a hold on me. I know he beat up a 9 year old. Hes evil! I only found this out a few days ago il teying my best! This time last week I was happy to be pregnant! Give me a break please!

You don't have to name him on the birth certificate which means he has no claim over your child. You can block him and raise your child alone.

It's not ideal, but this situation isn't your child's fault! And I'm sure you will do right by the child should you choose to have them.

I’m not sure I read the OP right - he beat one child and bit a baby?

At this point, whatever desire you have to be a mother is secondary. I wouldn’t be birthing a child to man like that if I had the choice. What happens if he seeks contact via court? No judge will refuse. You risk it being unsupervised, also.

If you just want a baby (and aren’t fussed about a partner), please get a proper sperm donor, not this man. It could cause so many issues down the line. You’re 34/35 and clearly able to get pregnant. Don’t let that be what you base your decision on.

@BinNightTonight i cried reading this, thank you so much! Compulsive liars with fake lives are a real thing and it’s like living in a Netflix documentary. We also had good times too so it’s so hard to process. I know hes evil and if I wasn’t pregnant I’d genuinely be relieved this was over but I can’t believe I’m in this position.

Don't beat yourself up. Men with narcissistic or psychopathic personality disorders can be extremely charming and really know how to reel someone in. They also target kind but vulnerable women. I have two very intelligent independent friends who were taken in by men like this (temporarily, thankfully).

But your replies show that when you're thinking with your brain not your heart, you know he is an absolute bastard.

Also from your earlier post, don't go down the route of thinking he "loved" his ex and "hated" you. He is a shitty man who hasn't really got the capacity to love anyone. He beat his ex and their children. He may well move on to some other poor woman and then become "obsessed" with you. It's irrelevant and you mustn't give any headspace to basing your self-worth on this complete dickhead.

I would definitely have an abortion at only 6 weeks. And leave him immediately. Here’s to you meeting someone worthy of you.

@GotTheBluePeterBadge inwill
never see or speak with him again and he is happy with that. He would never ever ever claim this child! He never loved me. He hates being a dad, he has never fought for his kids and never will.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation OP it's shit. Personally I would go through with the termination but this is something you have to decide not anyone else. If you do decide to go ahead, move if you can at least to a different area in the same town or one nearby, preferably to another town far away if theres somewhere you would have support (I appreciate this isn't realistic for most). Do not let him know where you move to, do not tell him when or that the baby is born, not name, not gender, not birthday keep everything about your child off social media, do not stay in contact with anyone that would pass information onto him. Do everything possible to keep this man away from your child for as long as you can.

Thanks darling @SodaPopBop
im just not strong enough but I’m getting there. This man has destroyed me mentally and I keep on thinking it cannot get worse But it does

Abortion, don’t put yourself through this.

You keep saying this but you cannot possibly know it.

The only way you could be certain is if he was dead.

And even then, his family might want contact.

There are people out there who’ve fought for children only to abuse them or worse. If everything you know about this man is a lie, I really wouldn’t be so confident that he’d never seek contact. And courts will grant it.