Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

I’m really sorry to say this but i would have an abortion I would you want to take the risk that this nutcase could convince officials that he had changed and have access to my baby. I would definitely not have the baby for this reason it would always be a tie to him.
I would also move if I could and start a fresh somewhere else and wait for a kind decent man to come along and have a child with them.

There were already tons of red flags flying around that man - you must have felt like you were going mad at times.

Honestly, if I were you I'd have an abortion and think I'd done the right thing in not giving a child a father like him. Can you imagine the trouble he could be to you and a child in future? Can you imagine sending a child off to stay at his, even for a few hours? He's really awful. Learn from his ex's mistakes and end this now for everyone's sakes.

You sound as though you are really strong - you made the decision to end the relationship immediately, which is really great. I'd take the pills and tbh I'd probably try to move away from that area. I wouldn't want to ever see him again.

You could not have prevented this. None of this is your fault. Yes, there may have been red flags you ignored but that still doesn't make any of it your fault. Like, in absolutely no shape or form. So please don't believe if anyone says it is.
You've done the right thing kicking him out. Doesn't matter if it is later than it should have been. We are all very smart in the hindsight but I promise you, every single one of us put up with a tosser thinking the sun shined out of their arses despite evidence to the contrary. It's a universal human experience.

And it will not be your fault if you decide to end the pregnancy either. Again, don't let anyone tell you so.

Don’t have this baby. You reason don’t want to be tied to this criminal. You’ll get loads of support on here.

Name changed for this, in my line of work I see absolute bastards getting access to their kids. I’m convinced in many cases it’s to spite the mums rather than actually wanting contact given the way they conduct themselves. Things you think would be absolute red flags nope they still get supervised access and their mums have to bring them here, leave their kids with dads who have often abused the mums in every which way.
if you already feel love for your wee clump of cells, please don’t subject them to this or indeed yourself.
Otherwise can you get far away during your pregnancy, do you have any family our friends miles away who could help you? Make it hard for him if he changes him mind and asks for contact.

I wouldn't make a decision until you have spoken with your counsellor. You have a tough decision to make and lots of tough emotions to work through. And with a limited time frame.
You have had an abortion before and survived. In a way, the fact that this guy told you so early into the pregnancy gives you more options than if he'd left it later or until you'd had your baby.
Whilst I have no idea what I'd do in your situation, the tie to such a nasty man might make me think twice about continuing this pregnancy. I can also understand your age playing on your mind and your desire to be a mum. (I had my first at 34! And after I'd given up on relationships!)
Just breathe and know you will make a decision and it will be right for you. Take a day at a time. Let the future take care of itself.

My advice would be to imagine your baby at 9 yo in the hospital because their father assaulted them,

Then I would take the abortion pills because being a mother means sacrificing for your child.

This is hard and it will hurt, but you can protect a future child from a life of trauma and suffering.

As for his ex, honestly she has four kids who have experienced extreme trauma. She doesn’t have the emotional space to support you. I know you hoped you could support eachother but she has enough on her plate. That’s not a reasonable expectation.

To bring a child into this world with a parent like that is opening up the both of you to a lifetime of abuse. Perhaps op, this is not your time.

I had a baby at 38 and am pregnant with another at 40, you have time. The best gift a mother can give their child is a solid co parent- I feel like this will end badly for the pair of you if you continue. Don’t start this baby’s life living in fear of their dad- he will hurt you both more than you can imagine.

I was that age when i ended a relationship with the man I had hoped I would marry + have kids with. I felt so free when I did it. I contemplated solo motherhood (which would be a breeze compared with trying to coparent with an abuser) and ended up starting a family after 40 with the loveliest man ever.
I know others who did too.

Absolutely. I think there is a very real possibility that this child and/or you could be harmed by him in the future. I would make sure he could never have any access to me for any reason given what he has done to his previous partner and children. Unless you change your name and disappear from the area and be untraceable I think you know you are facing potentially very serious problems continuing with this pregnancy.

You do not deserve to feel horrible, whatever you decide to do about the baby. Give yourself at least a few days to decide. You've had a massive shock after finding out the truth about this absolute waste of space and your head must be spinning.

You're not the first and you won't be the last woman to find herself in a similar situation. It's not your fault.

Ending the relationship was definitely the right choice and I applaud you for that. I don't want to give too many of my thoughts about what you should do, because that's ultimately your decision, but the fact that you're hoping for a miscarriage speaks volumes.

Take your time to think things through. And whatever happens, you'll be just fine.

I would absolutely terminate in your position. And get some therapy or do the freedom program to work on your reasons for choosing/being manipulated by such a horrible abusive man.

No baby deserves a Dad like him. In your shoes if abort rather than risk him wanting to see baby at some point and if he got shared custody you'd spend your days worried sick he'd abuse your baby.

What a shock Op! Being kind i would say having the baby of an abuser would not be good for you and it certainly isn't fair on the baby.

He is physically abusive to his existing children 😞

Op what red flags did you ignore?

Even if you raise the baby as a single mum, the absence of your ex and his horrible character will still hang over you and your child. I would definitely have an abortion.

@SecretsAndLies77 thanks. I’ve been delusional for two years and needed this. Believe it or not I had friends tell me to stay with him because they were alone and at least I had someone!!!

@TFImBackIn Bless you. Good sound advice which is life saving. Also empathetic. It’s been two years of insanity. I’m obsessed with downplaying his evil but you have no idea what hes put me through. His job, income, living situation, friends, trips, hobbies, down to what he’s eaten for breakfast…..all lies.

@westendgirl1 thanks so much. It’s only the irrational side of my brain telling me I can heal from this separate myself from the pregnancy. Hes too evil. He bit his own little baby! Hasnt seen his kids in two years but told elaborate stories about having them every other weekend! Lunatic!

These are not your friends OP.

If this is the people you are surrounding yourself, no matter what decision to decide to make regarding this pregnancy, perhaps you should consider a new start elsewhere.

Go start fresh.
Away from an abuser
And away from people who were happy to see you in an abusive situation.

This man will be your child's father, whether or not he has contact, whether or not he ever gets close enough to physically harm them, your child will have a difficult start and identity knowing their father was abusive and rejected them, plus potentially years of mental and emotional torture for you and your child ahead. You will have social services involved during your pregnancy and after birth assessing how you will keep your baby safe from this person, potentially complicated court proceedings if he ever wants access in future.

You have done the right thing now and split but you say yourself you have gone back to him in the past despite seeing red flags which is worrying for your safety. I would walk away from this pregnancy, do some therapy to heal your personal issues and insecurities and make sure you are in a position to be the strong, safe parent every child deserves before taking steps towards motherhood again in the future.

Hello everyone - I know it’s a silly point - but I will really never ever see his face again! Ever! He hates me! I was just his toy. He is OBSESSED with his ex and that’s why he sees those kids when he is allowed to which is rare. He is relived that I’m gone. He hates me. I promise you! He will never come back but it’s weird - that will haunt me forever! No child deserves to know their dad lives 40 minutes away on the tube and wants nothing to do with them!!!

This man BIT his other baby, why would you want to give him another victim? At the moment he says he's not interested but he could change his mind and you'd have to hand a helpless baby over to this psycho every weekend.

If I were you I'd have an abortion and get therapy for why you stayed with this horrific man for so long. You're still young. My friend just had her first baby at 43.

Gosh this is awful and so difficult. For 2 years you were with a man and never met his children - how?!

Don’t have this baby. It is not for the best for either you or this future child. You run the risk of him trying to get involved, you’ve already said you feel disconnected and you’ve wanted a miscarriage. Don’t do it. If you’re worried about not being a mum, go and get a sperm donor and do it yourself with no potential nasty father repercussions.

take the pills.