Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

Could that be a virtual one with everyone on this thread . Talking to us while taking them as it seems unlikely you will get a hand hold in real life .

I admire your honesty here.. this isn't easy to admit.

But if you are being honest, can you trust yourself enough to keep a child away from him and safe? Not just physically but emotionally too.

I can see why you'd make the decision to keep it for you. But from the child's point of view its a bit load to cope with and not really in their best interests.

The likelihood of additional needs or future mental health problems for this child is high given everything you've said.

You are only 5 weeks and the abortion will be similar to a period. Emotionally your going to have to deal with this either way.

You have to be honest with yourself are you putting off the abortion because you have some sort of hope you'll be a happy family one day? If he said tomorrow he's sorry and wants things to continue would you let him back into your life?

Your grieving for a life you were never going to have. That doesn't mean you can't have that life in the future but not with this man and not with this pregnancy.

You have already told us you have little support from family. He isn't going to help practically or financially. Are you set up for doing 100% of the parenting all the time. How will you manage work? Can you afford childcare and all the expenses that come with a child on your own?

Kindly, saying you don't want the pregnancy but are not strong enough to take the pills isn't going to cut it. You've got to make a choice one way or the other

I just had a thought

“your self esteem is so low, that you dont actually feel like you deserve to be free of him, and that’s why your holding on to this pregnancy. It’s like no matter what he does, it’s never bad enough, because you’re worthless anyway. Of course the child doesnt deserve a better father. Of course you don’t deserve a better partner”

Hand hold from me too. You’ve got this! Well done for having the self respect to see this arsehole for what he is and getting rid, he’s not worth a second of your time, he’s certainly not worth having to think about for the next 18 years.

The regret about the pregnancy is completely understandable but absolutely the right thing to do. Your ex probably comes from a long line of vile, abusive and violent men, it’s in their genes. Your baby might take after you, but it might well be a mini him.

OP, do you feel ready to be a mum?

@EppingIsFun yes, but I fear it’s the delusional part of my brain obsessed with him.

You’re being really hard on yourself and not giving yourself much credit. You say you romanticise motherhood, but think about the experience his ex has had and try to think about how motherhood with this man doesn’t equate to your fantasy. You’d be in constant fear that he’d turn up and lie and manipulate his way back into your and your child’s life, and then what? He abuses you? Abuses his child? In 4 years time you’re the ex telling horror stories to someone else who has fallen for his bullshit? I don’t think that’s the version of motherhood you want or deserve, and it’s not what a child deserves either. Think about how different the rest of your life could be if you’re truly free from this vile man.

Kindly, it sounds like there are some things it would be worth addressing in therapy before you embark on parenthood. Your self esteem is shot and your judgement sounds a bit all over the place. This whole situation sounds like a complete fiasco.

ive just read your thread this baby doesn’t deserve a “father” like that .. you say he hates you no contact etc, a man that’s desperate and lonely and a liar will say and do anything to worm his way back in when he has nothing else going on in his sad life ..
secondly this baby deserves a mummy not to be controlled by this man they will grow up watching the pain and misery he causes you. I know it’s extremely difficult to make a choice but think about your life 5, 10 years from now would you really want to be dealing with this lunatic or be thankful you took the risk and are in a happy relationship with a good man with a baby/child?

@Shadowdax16 being a mum is all I think about. Life hasnt been kind to me so being a mum is the only future I’ve ever seen. I just know this is wrong and my obsession with it is about trauma - not rational desire to start a healthy family. I’m a disgrace to even be having unprotected sex with him. No woman who takes motherhood seriously would do that. It’s just brokenness disguised as wanting a family.

How do you feel about giving birth and then adoption? Would that be too much mentally for you? If you are unable to take the pills and look at your baby what's the alternative? What awful decisions OP. My heart goes out to you.

Sending you a big hug and a handhold. I’d be the first person to say go for the baby but in your situation I’d honestly take the abortion. You could always go for single parenthood later down the line with a donor if you CHOSE that route without all this attached to it (the potential adhd, having him turn back up etc). I’d also say you have time, it’s very early. I say that as someone who had later missed miscarriages with medical intervention and all done at home and it was all ok.

Give yourself few days without panicking - book a counselling session to talk it through if possible. You don’t have to literally make a decision tonight.

@EppingIsFun thanks. No one has ever said this to me in 2 years. No one values me. No one has ever told me to leave him despite seeing me turn into a shell of myself! I know I may be coming across as self indulgent or chaotic but I genuinely haven’t had the best upbringing and my self esteem is shot so it’s clouding my judgement

You've talked a lot about feeling embarrassed by taking the pills.

Do you want to tell us why you feel like that?

Because to just about everyone here, it would be the braver and more selfless option. It doesn't make you a bad person if you decide to do it, it makes you one who has considered things beyond her own feelings.

Unfortunately the end of everything you wanted is tied emotionally to this. You are grieving what you wanted but that was never real. Be kind to yourself because it being a mirage doesn't lessen your grief at it no longer being here.

I think you will feel devastated afterwards but not because you made a bad decision but because it really does signify the end of this relationship. While you are pregnant there will always be a thread and however much you know it's right, it won't stop it being hard.

This

You don’t want a lifelong link to this creep

He beats his children? What the hell?

You could also go for a sperm donor and focus on raising that baby and maybe meet a partner down the line. It would be much healthier for you and your mental health than being tied to this “man”
Trauma bond I know you say you hate him but IF you did keep this baby there will come a stage you might think to try make it work for the child and the problems that will cause you and the innocent child could be dangerous as you say you are obsessed with him you could end up trying to include him in your child’s life as many mums do try..

keeping the pregnancy means keeping the man to some degree for the rest of your life, even as a shitty absent father he will still be there.

Have you taken the pills yet OP?

Take the pills and focus on rebuilding your life. You can and will move past this.

@ChapmanFarm what a kind and measured response.

Im scared because I’ve spent my life miserable, and those three days I had being happy I was pregnant were the calmest and most lovely of my very sad life. He came to the flat and took it all away. In 7 days I’ve had my world turned upside down, and although I know a termination is the right thing to do, I’ve spent my whole life crying, depressed, alone, feeling like shit. Dare I say I need a break.

@NattyEagle I know this deep down inside too no matter how much everyone says they ignored their DCs horrid father when he left. This man is …..something else. I’ve been a state since the day we met.

My concern is that your child could also be violent and attack you. Some of the nastier traits could be inherited, and Autism and ADHD are also inherited, so you could have a child with SEN and violence. And what if the baby looks exactly like your ex? Do you want to see your ex in your own child? Every day?

If you go to your living room and take the pills, imagine I'm sitting next to you. I've poured you a glass of water and made you hot chocoloate with marshmallows for after. There's a lovely warm throw for you to lie under and we can chat shit or watch crappy telly and I'll sleep on the sofa tonight and stay with you until it's over and you feel better. Cooked breakfast for you in the morning too with tea and toast.

Being a mum can have lots of challenging moments but it's also wonderful. My children are my favourite people in the world and my best memories involve them.
If you want to be a mum this can be your chance. If you don't want that man to be a part of your life anymore then you can cut him out of your life.
Do you have people that can help you with your child. Would your mum be able to babysit sometime?
Im lucky that I have a husband to help me but I also know people who are single mums that love their children and have no regrets with keeping their children.

OP you’ve been through a lot in the last few days. You need time to process it all and grieve the future that you thought you had. No one can decide what is right for you other than you, but you do not need to make that decision right now, you have time.

@WellerUser this is the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me since the day I was born. My own mother acted like staying with me was a chore. I’m sobbing. Sobbing.