Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

I think you need to look at your desire to be a mum vs the life you can give a potential child.

Continue with this pregnancy and you could end up with a child who has no contact with their other parent, or a child whose other parent fights you in court and potentially abuses the child. He might beat them up, he might bite them, he might even do something worse.

Alternatively, you potentially, hopefully have a child in a few years, maybe sooner, maybe later, when you're with someone who is not a child abuser.

I'm not saying people should only have a child under certain circumstances (I had my only child at 40 and split up with his dad when our son was a baby), but you have very, very good reasons to take those pills.

I'm so sorry, I know from experience how hard it is when you're not sure, but you were brave to end the relationship in the first place, and you still have that bravery within you x

Are there local Facebook groups you could post anonymously in? If I saw a post from someone asking for support in this kind of situation (you obviously wouldn't have to share all the details in your post), I'd offer, and I know loads of other people who would.

You’ve repeatedly said you’re not strong enough to take the pills, would going down the surgical route be better for you so you could go, be put to sleep etc and then it’s done with no ‘input’ from you? You’ve said over and over that you don’t want it, but you’re only willing to let it go so far before it’s no longer an option; so you really do have to take a deep breath and do it. Then once it’s done you can further your counselling and begin the journey to healing.

I think you need to about the baby. A random strangers baby would be better than his genes. And the ongoing strife

@LadyLexi i do not think you are harsh. If my mum gave me a cuddle and said this is have taken the pills days ago.

im also really weirded out by the “my dc’s dad is an asshole and I love my dc” replied!…..erm this man isnt someone I can shrug my shoulders about and say “good riddance I’m keeping my baby”- his mental abuse has made me suicidal several times over two years!! Ambulances have been sent to my flat because of him!!! I do not think I can heal from this AND have his child I’m sorry. I don’t want to answer a child’s questions about him. I don’t want to show them pictures of him if they ask. I don’t want have heart palpitations everytime I’m in his area. Our families know each other and I highly doubt they won’t find out. That thought just came to my mind in all this mess!!!!! This is NOT a good old fashioned “prick” I can handle that - hes a legit sociopath. Sorry but that rant really helped me! Pretending he’s not that bad and he’s just a sperm donor is the mad thinking that got me in this situation in the first place. Some people can shrug off trauma and move forward. I’m being so vulnerable when I say this relationship was top tier abuse and being tied down to any memory of him will probably destroy me. I’ve lied to myself and pretended to be stronger than I am with this man for so long and all it’s done is made me make poor choices!! I can’t have a child to prove I’m strong in hopes itll be my best friends and itll complete me. What if it doesn’t!

If i was in your shoes i’d have a termination as i would be worried about having this awful person coming back into my life as he could later change his mind and would present a risk to the baby! This will make things so much harder and stressful alongside being a single parent. You still have time and i completely understand the fear of running out of time. I had to make a similar decision to you not as problematic as my partner at the time just couldn’t decide if it was the right time for him and i didnt want to knowingly become a single parent. Fast forward a couple of years i met someone new, married and 3 children later im so grateful that i didnt settle. I wish you the best of luck with your decision

So sorry you’re going through this. Really feel for you. Have you thought about speaking to a solicitor about the potential options should you go ahead I.e. to stop him having any involvement? Wonder if it may help? Thinking of you

Sorry you are in this situation OP but you need to end this pregnancy. If you don’t then you aren’t doing what is best for any child. You can’t have him in your life or a future child’s. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

@gardenlady1 i feel like no rational part of me wants this pregnancy. I know everything in me that does is broken, naive, delusional, selfish snd obsessed with this man. That was the part of me that got pregnant! That was the part of me that went back with him! It’s that part of me that is thinking “maybe it will
be ok”!!! I’ve been thinking “maybe it will be ok” for TWO YEARS while this man has destroyed me and been like a ghost on my back

@NattyEagleI’m another one to say I think you should abort. I had a baby by an abusive exH. It’s very hard to look at them and not see their father.
Very hard on your own.
You keep saying you’d like to have a miscarriage, please don’t think like this , you need to be in control.
Someone else said ‘drink of water and down the pills ‘ I agree.
Take them , you can use MN to vent / cry / whatever.

you keep saying he would never be in touch / try and see his child. You simply can’t say that , he is an absolute lunatic you have no idea what he’s capable of.

First, I'm really sorry you're in this position and going through it alone, poor you and well done for finally leaving him.

you said he only sees his kids 'when he's allowed to, which is rare', but it also said his ex had to beg him to see them but he never bothers? Both things can't be true - I think this is another thing where you've been lied to. Im only pointing that out cos agree with others who say you can't guarantee he won't want contact with any future children he has. 18 years is a long time, a lot of sludge can crawl up out of the gutters.

And I think you're romanticising too much what it would be like to bandy together with his ex and support each other. That would be awful. A load of his victims sitting there hoping he doesn't turn up again for more violence. You deserve a life free of all that.

Wishing you strength.

I had a similar situation at 35 and ex was a cheating scumbag who threatened suicide if I went ahead with the pregnancy.

I had an abortion and honestly, my life felt shit for a few months but less than 2 years later I met my now DH and we had a child a few years after that when I turned 40.

Honestly, meeting DH and having DS were the best things to happen to me and I’m glad there’s nothing tying me to my shitty ex.

You have to do what’s right for you but don’t assume this is your last chance. You don’t know what or who is around the corner.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. 🍀

I feel for you, OP, in this difficult situation. But my strongest thoughts are (1) thank your lucky stars this horrible man is out of your life now, and (2) I would have an abortion. Your ex is dangerous and might otherwise reappear at any time demanding to see “his” child.

You still have time to meet someone who will be a good father, or have a baby alone if you wish.

Best of luck. Sending you a hug because at this stage things are scary and confusing xx

You got pregnant by a man you knew was extreamley abusive to children. I have no words...apart from youve made your bed.

I would normally sit on the fence about abortion - it is your right to choose. But just wanted to offer a positive encouragement I guess. I had a termination for different personal reasons at age 36. I wanted to be a mother but the circumstances/timing were just so wrong and it would have been a disaster. Yes I felt sad and scared that it was my one chance. But it wasn't. Circumstances and life changes meant that everything fell into place for me and I had my son at age 40. You've got time to be a wonderful mother with a wanted child in joyful circumstsnces You just need to move on from this and build the life you want. You deserve more.

This

hey everyone.

my first termination was a relief. My best friend who I no longer speak to was also here for me.

this one is so so so hard because I truly loved him and even though my head was GONE the entire time it’s the only love I’ve known. The thoughts telling me to keep it are not the “well” part of me. I can tell. It’s whispering in my ear “hes not that bad, you’ll forgive him and will forget about him, at least you’ll have a baby” but me telling myself hes not that bad is whats gotten me here. And it gets worse. And worse. I’ll feel so empty and lonely after this abortion. But babies arent toys or companions. They are individuals. I think “I won’t be alone anymore” is whats stopping me from taking them. But “I don’t want to be alone” is what kept me with him! Now look at me!

You are in an awful position but inaction will in the end be a passive decision as the pregnancy won’t pause . Not taking the pills will mean you will have a baby . The decision will be made by inaction .

I know you think you know he would never be in your life. But he sounds quite sadistic . I mean biting and beating up .

He may decide to see the child to abuse them . He sounds pretty disturbed.

He may try to see them to get at his ex . He may drag you through courts and then only see the child once .

The child will live with knowing his father didn’t want him . How will you explain this and will you tell them how evil he is . How will the child deal with that .

Someone else also said your child may want to find their family and achieve that . That would be damaging . Could he warp the child’s view of you . He seems capable of pulling people in . He could do that with your child . Or reject them . Or tell them you lied.

And then the genetics .

I also think you might take him back if he turned up . He may want to play with you and mess your head .

His family may get involved .

i know you don’t want the baby .

Dont assume you know what they or he will do . He is disturbed and sadistic .

i know you can’t take the pills .

what can we all do or say to help you take the pills if that’s what you want ?

Otherwise the baby will be born .

What do you want from this thread ?

@Waytoohothot can you not read? I only found out after. Do better.

i agree with this

you willlbe tied to this man forever if you do not abort - i would not want him around my child as he is violent. Unless he is violent to you or your child, you will not be able to stop him seeing the child

so yes, i would abort

@Flightyflora my body is changing. Discharge. Sore boobs. I was taking pre natal vitamens because I was happy. Now I’m taking abortion pills. I just need a hand hold.

You're obviously really struggling OP. It is great that you have broken up with him and seen really clear that that is for good. I agree with PP that the genes he is likely to pass on may be.. challenging to say the least and that is another consideration, even if you could be sure of never having any contact with him again. I wish you the best.

I think the biggest question for you right now is are YOU in the right mental and physical place for a pregnancy and baby (and raising it entirely alone as your ex will at least leave you alone entirely, and your family/?friends don’t sound supportive)? If the answer to that is no (which it sounds like it is) then in your situation I wouldn’t continue this pregnancy.

Sorry cross post. Giving you a handhold, OP. You can regain control of your life and be free ❤️

Your ex certainly shouldn't be a parent. You surely cannot bring a child into a situation where it is at risk of being abused by its other parent. You have the pills, and this is all starting to sound a little self-indulgent now. You can't take them? You're so attached to him? None of that matters. The alternative is surely far worse, and it isn't going to get any easier, the longer you leave it.

If it eases your mind- I met my husband when I was 34, about to turn 35. Married at 36, dc at 37. Stopped at one child as we both already had older dc. Surely it's worth taking a chance and trying to find happiness? Or as others have said, a sperm donor.