Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

My ex fucked off when I was pregnant, being tied by a child to a cunt who ruined your life is regrettable. My now grown up daughters now realise when a useless piece of shit he was and they say they think I shouldn't of had them, and wished I had found happiness with someone else. That's sad they think that and I don't regret having them, they're amazing and being a mum is wonderful. However, I did feel cheated of playing happy families. I know having a partner doesn't always equal a happy healthy relationship but having an angry ex who is useless is a sad situation. I would end the pregnancy and nothing to do with this piece of shit. You're going enough to find your person if you want to. I'm sorry to read what you've got going on, it's inexcusable. Better to find out now than on six months time. I found being a single mum lonely and I often felt sad. I know many women set out to be single parents and thrive etc, good for them. For me many times when they were growing up I wished I had someone to share it all with. Of course you could meet someone and they could be a father to your child, I presume that's a little less likely but who knows. Wishing you the best.

Ill go against what grain I’ve read.

You want a baby although not necessarily his baby now after all this but you’re also worried about missing your chance.

Could you honestly bring up the baby alone a long long way away? Giving up all those you know to have this baby? A new city?

You can’t have the baby here as he could use the baby against you even if he hates you. Also social services would be up your ass.

You need to terminate or give up your currently life and basically start a new life with the baby pretending you did abort or lose it.

I know plently of people won’t agree with that stance but oh well. Those sane people would likely see no problem getting pregnant on purpose form a one nighter or lying about their contraception to their husbands.

It won't be ok. You're not well enough to have a child.

My mother had me because she was lonely and it meant I looked after her from age 4 onwards. She's now lonely again because I won't put up with her lack of boundaries. Dad was never around because she said he wasn't a safe person just like your partner.

Get yourself healthy, address your mental health and then go for it. You can always bank some eggs now to help later if you're really worried about that.

All well and good until the family contacts the child through one of the many ancestry websites available.

My life is SHIT because of a broken woman and a broken man had me and my 3 siblings thinking “wanting a child” was enough of a reason to have one

In the gentlest possible way - you are now in the same position your parents were. What does that tell you?

In your situation I'd have an abortion. 100%

On one side, you're worried it's your chance to have a child.

On the other....potentially bringing another human into the world with a known violent father. Irrelevant if he's seen his other kids or not you don't know he wont show up. It would be bringing a person into the world who has a violent parent who has show he WILL hurt children.

For me, this would over ride any want to have a baby. Babies grow into adults and this is giving it a potential scary future before its even grown arms and legs.

Do the right thing and never speak to this man again.

Your options are sad and challenging, but you should not feel hopeless. You are still young enough to establish another, better relationship and have a child in the future that will have two engaged and loving parents. Or you could plan to be a single parent without this rucksack full of baggage weighing you and this pregnancy down. If you choose to continue the pregnancy, even if your ex just disappears (which would be a good thing for you) your child will face the void of an absent parent who did not want them, and this could cause more damage than you would want, especially if a child goes looking for its father in 18 yrs time. Take care of yourself, best wishes for your future.

Some clarifications for everyone

• I wish I was not pregnant. I wish I would miscarry. It would be a blessing. I simply am not strong enough for an abortion and fear about future fertility.
• This is NOT a situation where I want to keep the pregnancy and go it alone. That’s NEVER been an option for me and the feeling some women get that says “abort the man, keep the baby” is NOT ME!
• I think I’m not strong enough for the pills partly because I’m NOT WELL and it’s that part of me that isnt well which fell pregnant in the first place! I should be RACING to those pills based on everything I know about this man but it’s been two years of gaslighting and manipulation - my brain is fried.
• This man is EVIL. He is not simply a POS. I am genuinely not happy to be carrying his fetus and I don’t think the trauma he has caused me can be separated from the child. This man could have a Netflix documentary about him. I can’t put too many details as it may out his ex but I also found out he’s a rapist too! Beat her in front of the kids! Used her credit card pretending he was paying. Wouldn’t pay the mortgage and pretended he was! Broke into their house after she kicked him out and refused to leave! Hacked into her social media accounts and stalked her when she left him. He lies daily about small likes what he had for breakfast, to big things like owning homes that do not exist!
• Hes ruined my life! I will never get these two years back. I want to FORGET HIM!! Hes not just a prick I can look back at and say “at least I have my kid”. Hes too vile for that. The mental abuse I’ve endured…..no kid would make worth it! I’m tired of downplaying how much hes affected me. I’ve literally gone into fairyland avoiding the pain and now I’m here! I was too weak to admit how evil he was because I was embarrassed I couldn’t find a nice guy. Enough. Keeping this baby woild be like keeping a pedophiles baby! How many of you saying your DC is blessing despite their vile father woild do that? No matter how hard I try and escape him, his tentacles keep destroying my life and I’m done. I’m just bruised and broken.

Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best. I honestly don't know what I would do in your impossible situation but what I will say is, you are still young enough to have a baby/babies down the line. I had mine at 35 and 40. A friend had her first at 47 (naturally, no IVF or other fertility treatment). I've also had a friend who has had 2 abortions and since gone on to have 2 very healthy, beautiful children with a man who they can all depend on. Don't let the "what ifs" cloud your judgement.

You do have a difficult choice but I was with a terrible man and an equally terrible father and I didn’t know what to do when I fell pregnant but I decided it was my choice to sleep with him so why should the child pay the price, I kept my baby and 35 years later I have a best friend, my child didn’t go without but it wasn’t easy but the good times definitely cancel any struggles we had, I used my time to study and now have a good profession, and the best thing was I never heard from the sperm donor again and I heard he married a woman and then they found out they were unable to have kids, I used to see him with my child and just walked on by, then I moved us away so there was no hope of bumping into him. My child knows all about him but says they never needed him up to now so there’s no need to need him going forward, so yeh I had the last laugh and I wouldn’t be without my kids now. I did go on to meet a wonderful man who took my kids on fully and he’s the one who gets the Father’s Day cards

@Sotiredimightreallydie no i am not. I was initially happy but since discovering he is insane I regret the entire thing and would see a miscarriage as a blessing. Just not strong enough for an abortion.

You were right to leave him. Only yiu can decide what to do. However, having rtft I think your mental health is understandably very fragile atm. I know you feel you can't wait weeks, think you need to take a few days at least before aborting or not. Also, please get some crisis support/ therapy.
I think these people are impartial.
https://www.msichoices.org.uk/news/crisis-pregnancy-centres-in-the-uk-what-they-are-how-to-avoid-them-and-where-to-find-impartial-advice/
More generally there is the Samaritans and Mind can signpost you.
Look after yourself- you've just suffered a very traumatic event

@NattyEagle I haven’t read the whole thread but I just wanted to say I don’t think you realise how brave or strong you are. You found out this weasel was a walking red flag. You listened and acted on it to keep yourself safe. You didn’t ignore and say ‘oh but he’s different with me’. That takes so much strength. You are not weak or desperate. You should be so proud of yourself!

What you choose to do next is up to you. There is absolutely no shame in abortion. If it’s right for the situation it’s the correct thing to do. I don’t know if it’s been mentioned but if this weasel has SS involvement with his other kids, chances are they’ll be involved if they/other professionals know this is his child.

Personally, I would abort, invest in yourself and get out there to meet someone decent! Think about Claire’s law disclosures too if you ever have a niggle. You’re stronger than you know!!

Right, so you’ve definitely made up your mind you’re having a baby.

Good luck.

I'm sorry but you do say you are unwell, mentally. Is this the best time to have a child? And to be a good parent?

You're telling yourself you can't take the pills- how about changing that to I can take the pills, that is what is best for me, and my future.

It's all in the mind- you can be whatever you want- unable to take the pills, or able. You have a choice. No one is stopping you but yourself.

If you want t miscarry surely that is all the evidence you need to take the pills.
It will not affect your fertility at this early stage.

If you don't feel you can face terminating alone, perhaps investigate a medical termination at a clinic where they may be able to offer some support to you before, during and after. I don't know much about abortion services but maybe other posters can advise on eg a charity that would help you feel less alone

Hi Op, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’ve read all your posts and can see that you’re torn between your heart and the reality of the situation. Firstly, I don’t know you but I do know that you are worthy of love and respect. Even if you don’t feel like you are, you ARE. I hope that in some you can begin to feel that and know it about yourself.

From your posts, it looks to me as though the battle between reality and heart looks like this:

Reality: You’d be doing this on your own without much support. The baby would grow up never knowing its father. You’re not sure you can develop a bond with the baby.
Heart: (by your own words), the baby is keeping you company, you want to be a mum, there’s schools and a nursery nearby, you’re worried about age, you don’t feel you have the courage to take the pills.

You have a choice - listen to reality or listen to your heart. Only you can make the decision but listening to your heart might turn out to be the best, most fulfilling thing you ever did. Against all the odds, lots of women do it and years later look back and feel such gratitude for the choice they made.

I hope you are able to find peace as you make this decision.

Glass of water and get the pills down you . Im very sympathetic to your situation but time is ticking by and you would be insane absolutely insane to consider having a baby by this man. Take the pills claim your life back and move on . You are still young plenty of time to meet and have a baby with someone decent and all this hand wringing about abortion affecting future fertility is just incorrect and not helping your situation . I understand you might think I'm being harsh but sometimes we need straight talk . You don't seem to have any support in real life if you were my sister or friend I would hug you , commiserate with you and then give you some tough love i think its badly needed here

Would it help to imagine yourself in 14 years time with a strapping teenage lad in your home who shows all the signs of being a mini me of his father. Emotionally and physically abusing you. Excluded from school due to SEN? Bigger and stronger than you.

Because all of these behaviours are genetic - you have proof that he's not genetically sound via his existing children. Take aside all of the emotion, your fertility/need to be a parent. Think of the genetic make up of this cluster of cells.

Take the pills. Don't live a life of regret. You can be strong, you will be strong and one day you will be an amazing Mum. Just not this time

I don’t feel that way. The fetus isnt paying a price. I’m being very selfish. This is about me and my life. I don’t think the product of such evil could be something I loved.

What are you actually hoping for from this thread?

She has ?

It seems you do not want to keep the baby, but you are too scared to action taking the tablets.

Have a think about could it be as you never have control over your life. Your mother, these two years with your ex. Ruling and abusing you.

You don't have to do anything today.

But try and have a think if this is more about this action that you need to make. And yes there is pressure so it's not one you can just turn a blind eye to this time.