AIBU to think dsis should juts take the answer NO the first time and stop bothering people?

[Treelins]

I’ll try to be as concise as possible and I’ve changed a few key details so not to be outings. I have and older sister who has 3 adult kids, one of whom has severe ASD and learning disability (Paula 30)

I also have my own DC one who has SEN but not to that degree (teenager) so last year I offered to have Pula for tea a couple of times as she said she’d like to come here. I picked her up then dropped her back off at home and the dropping off it a two hour round trip I I live an hour away. I said she could sleep one night too as I want to help out a bit, even though Paula has two other sisters and grandparents, so my DSIS asked if she could stay here a few weeks after my offer, so I said yes. She offered to take my DC for the day but I never heard anything ever again about that! but I didn’t ask.

A coupe of weeks ago DSIS asked if I could have Pula for another sleepover as she wasn’t keen on going to her grandparents for a week and would prefer to come here (sis and bil going on holiday for a week and Paula didn’t want to go) so I said no initially but she asked about a different day so I said ok. Then this morning she’s asked if I can have her again next week for a sleepover as they’re going out! I said no as I felt I was getting hemmed in to a corner and something that I thought was helpful is going to tiel in to something expected. I said no as it difficult through the week and gave my reasons but DSIS wouldn’t take no for an answer and asked if Paula could come in the half term and I said no again as it’s my partners big birthday and we’re going away so I can’t commit to that and she asked for a different day and I said no now I feel a bit shit but also angry she’s put me in this situation.

It’s not an emergency, she also has other options but Paula doesn’t want to go to her siblings house. I feel like I’m getting primed and she’s going to start asking me more frequently and I don’t want to do it as it’s too much especially as I have my owne chidl with SEN. I’m also annoyed that she said she’d take my DC but never did. Feels like I ages her an inch and she’s taking a mile and she only gets in touch when she wants something.

I have nipped it in the bud but why the fuck do people think it’s ok to badger and continue to ask when they’ve been told no. and way am I left feeling bad? When I know logically she’s out of order.

But she’s your sister so why wouldn’t you say what you cooking sis, I’m hungry and heading over.
There must be a back story as to why you have only had your niece a handful of times and acting like this. It’s your niece why wouldn’t you want to spend time with her regularly and have her sleepover every week or so?
But if that’s not what you want to do for whatever reason, since it’s your sister surely you just say it bluntly. Plus ask her when she’s taking your kids etc.
Why can’t people just say what they mean especially to close family?

So do you think it’s normal to have nieces and nephews over for sleepovers weekly? That’s wild and I definitely don’t think is the norm in fact I’m 99.99% it’s not. Did you read the post where DN has a learning disabilities and severe ASD and my chidl has SEN? They aren’t two peas in a pod where it’s easy, they both have therI unique needs and it’s difficult managing both, not that my sis would know as she’s never offered.

We aren’t close physically (due to us living an hour away) so we can’t just ‘pop’ over! And we aren’t close emotionally either as it seem she only initiates contact when she wants something. Do you think

Do you think it’s ok that someone only initiates contact with their sibling when they want something?

You keep saying an hour like it’s some big deal. Most people commute over an hour every day.
Yes I think it’s normal to want to spend time with your nieces and nephews whether that be going out for food, cinema or sleep over etc.

You clearly don’t like your sister so why don’t you just tell her what you said to me.

A two hour round trip drive is a big deal to me. There is no way I’d be picking up a niece and dropping her off regularly.

Easy for you to say it’s easy when it’s OP who is doing all the driving, not her sister.

This churlish ‘you clearly don’t like her’ is so unhelpful. I like my siblings just fine, I’m still
not doing 2 hour round hour trip drives for them.

If that’s the case, why have I had her child for 2 sleep overs and for tea twice annd she’s anskijj for an 3rd sleepover and she’s not offered once?

“If we should all want to spend time with nieces and nephews? Or should I just be a mug?

Why should I have her DC five times
when she’s not had mine once? And don’t say ‘because you’ve not directly asked’ That absolutely doenst count!

I guess I didn’t make myself clear. No she shouldn’t keep asking and yes if it were me I’d wait and hope for an invite not ask you BUT the way in which you’ve worded your ‘no’ inadvertently invites more requests because you’ve said a particular date doesn’t work rather than shutting it down more generally with a ‘sleepovers are too much’ approach

Yes, I agree with you here and I do need to be more direct and firm, but historically ai have found it hard saying no, especially to family and I think she sees that weakness as opportunity and that’s what gets my back up. You’re right though, I need to be more direct and firm.

Because she's got an adult child who still needs care?

I do think that there are askers and not-askers though. I have a friend who's an Asker and she is completely content if you say no.b she's also totally content if you say no, never. But to her asking doesn't assume an answer of yes. So why would there be a problem with asking. Whereas I think for people who tend not to ask the assumption is that if you asked, you really are expecting a yes as an answer. So then when those two sorts of people are interacting with each other, life can get very confusing because they each interpret the other's actions wrongly.

Yes, but I have a 15 year old
care needs and won’t be independent (most likely and has an EHCP) but I don’t ask people to look after her. Should I?

To add, I have no in-laws to help me where my sister has and DN is 15+ years older than my DC so she’s had a lot more
of a network than I have

Yet I’m aware people have their own lives
so I wouldn’t ask. It is cheeky. if she wants her freedom and to be able to go wherever whenever they’ll have to look I’m to social care like most people. It’s not ideal but if DN won’t go on holiday, doenst like
days away. Doesn’t want to stay at GP
or siblings?? Well then the only other solution is don’t go away so frequently? If DN only had to stay with GP once every few months I suspect that would be ok but they like to go away for days on end and DN is fed up staying at GP
so should I have to say yes?? I don’t think so

I disagree with you. Your original post said you offered to have her sleep to help sis out, it didn't say only once. Have you actually said to your sis it was a one time thing. I don't think you have judging by the excuses you provide her when saying no. You need to be straight and clear, sorry sis, I love Paula, but overnights just don't work, we can't have her overnight again, so will need to look at other options, maybe look into respite care. She can still come to tea fro time to time but I'll have to let you know when that works with me as the pick up and drop off travel is quite lengthy. Maybe we could meet half way, I bring her and you arrange transport for the pick up

OP, you are not unreasonable to feel aggrieved when your DSis keeps pushing you to have your niece for a sleepover, but you need to be more direct with your sister, and tell her that it’s just too much having niece and DC both with their various difficulties. Decide what you are prepared to do, and let your sister know - so if you’re prepared to have her for tea but not a sleepover, say so. If you don’t want her coming at all, tell your sister that unfortunately, at the moment it’s just too much. Don’t say, ‘I can’t do these dates” because it implies that other dates would be OK. And if you are put out that your sister hasn’t had your daughter round, say something to her. I really don’t understand PP who seem to think you have some sort of responsibility to take your niece or see her regularly - you don’t. Circumstances change as DC get older, and ultimately, OP, it’s up to you how often you see your niece.

In any other situation this is bat shit crazy! If you were invited for dinner at a friends house one Friday night would you expect her to say “Mind just to let you know, thso is only a one off!” that would be mental od someone said that.

No reasonable person infers from an invite that this means automatically they can ask to come from dinner whenever they like because they were invited once, that’s utterly crazy to assume it gives you right 😂😂

I absolutely agree, it’s mind blowing the number of posters that say I should have made it clear it was a one off - eh?? Wth says do you want to come for tea - bits it’s a one off, that’s a given unless you’re invited again and I know most reasonable people do follow that rule and wouldn’t ask to go again.

Bizarrely though some posters follow my sister’s pattern of thinking and if someone you once then you’re free to ask to stay over and it’s fair game 🫪😂😳🫣

Utterly bizzare!