AIBU to think dsis should juts take the answer NO the first time and stop bothering people?

[Treelins]

I’ll try to be as concise as possible and I’ve changed a few key details so not to be outings. I have and older sister who has 3 adult kids, one of whom has severe ASD and learning disability (Paula 30)

I also have my own DC one who has SEN but not to that degree (teenager) so last year I offered to have Pula for tea a couple of times as she said she’d like to come here. I picked her up then dropped her back off at home and the dropping off it a two hour round trip I I live an hour away. I said she could sleep one night too as I want to help out a bit, even though Paula has two other sisters and grandparents, so my DSIS asked if she could stay here a few weeks after my offer, so I said yes. She offered to take my DC for the day but I never heard anything ever again about that! but I didn’t ask.

A coupe of weeks ago DSIS asked if I could have Pula for another sleepover as she wasn’t keen on going to her grandparents for a week and would prefer to come here (sis and bil going on holiday for a week and Paula didn’t want to go) so I said no initially but she asked about a different day so I said ok. Then this morning she’s asked if I can have her again next week for a sleepover as they’re going out! I said no as I felt I was getting hemmed in to a corner and something that I thought was helpful is going to tiel in to something expected. I said no as it difficult through the week and gave my reasons but DSIS wouldn’t take no for an answer and asked if Paula could come in the half term and I said no again as it’s my partners big birthday and we’re going away so I can’t commit to that and she asked for a different day and I said no now I feel a bit shit but also angry she’s put me in this situation.

It’s not an emergency, she also has other options but Paula doesn’t want to go to her siblings house. I feel like I’m getting primed and she’s going to start asking me more frequently and I don’t want to do it as it’s too much especially as I have my owne chidl with SEN. I’m also annoyed that she said she’d take my DC but never did. Feels like I ages her an inch and she’s taking a mile and she only gets in touch when she wants something.

I have nipped it in the bud but why the fuck do people think it’s ok to badger and continue to ask when they’ve been told no. and way am I left feeling bad? When I know logically she’s out of order.

Just to add she has form for taking advantage of situations for her own gain. She once roped me in to taking Paula to her hobby when I lived closer but I had a toddler at the time myself so 4pm-7pm is a difficult time of the day for most parents of kids that age but she railroaded me in to agreeing to it so I did it for about a year and it was a bad head, but I wouldn’t be that soft now. If it works for me fine but if it doesn’t then no.

She once suggested I get a family pass for a tourist attraction that we lived 100 miles away from the nearest one so I said no as I wouldn’t get the benefit but she was like yes you will we’ll go together (muggings here would have to drive as she can’t drive!) She’d bought one for herself and kids but it would have been better for her if I was daft enough to buy one too! It feels like she uses me and I’m not putting up with it

People only keep doing something if it works. In the past she's learnt you'll cave in just enough times that she thinks it's worth her still persisting.

Well it's because you give in by the looks of it.

YANBU, this is far too much. Are you being expected to travel and pick up Paula too? Is it a 100 miles?

Can you point her to social care respite services in case they are available in her area?

Hard to tell just from that - you have said in the past you’re happy to do the sleepovers, she’s asked you for various dates and you’ve said no to them. It doesn’t sound like she’s then badgering you to agree to the dates you’ve said no to? More like she’s trying to find a day that works, since her daughter wants to do this, and it would help her, and you said you would be open to this.

If the real situation is that you’re not currently willing to do sleepovers (or only able to do them in school holidays or something), then have you made that clear so she knows where she stands?

You’re spot on. She was like that when I was younger and more naive but the older I get the less I’m willing to tolerate people taking the piss yet I’m still wondering how she’s got more front than Blackpool. As you say though, persistence and being pushy works for her sometimes and she gets her own way.

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YANBU. Some people have rhino-thick hides and don't seem to experience embarrassment or shame for imposing on others. You tried to do a nice thing and she ruined it by not taking the hint that you're not available to do it every time she asks.

Just keep reminding yourself that YWNBU.

As long as you keep giving practical excuses about timing, then she'll keep asking about other dates. If you don't want to have her at all, you'll have to be honest about it. Or you could offer an invite at a time that suits you, either proactive approach.

You should make DSis do the driving though, that would make it feel less arduous.

Sorry I started to type “hard” and then accidentally clicked post when it just said “ha”! I’ve edited it now.

You should make DSis do the driving though, that would make it feel less arduous.

DSis doesn't drive

We live about 40 miles apart and I work in their town so it’s ok bringing Paula back for tea but when I take her home it’s 80 miles round trip yes.

True though not this time though I still feel I’m in the wrong.

I couldn't follow how regularly these visits would be happening. Every 6 months, every month? Or if you were expected to do the pick up/drop off. Why would you do that anyway?

Some people wont take no for an answer and then when the penny finally drops, they're all arsey and sniffy about it and will continue to make barbed comments

Thats why 'no is a complete sentence' is a load of BS, lots of people just wont stop. Its not even about someone having caved in before, some people just have no self awareness and insight.

You're not in the wrong.

I would tell her you have your own child with SEN to manage and can't help anymore.

If she persists, I'd tell her that you'll let her know the next time you're available to have Paula over. (But she'll probably still try her hand...)

If you want her to reciprocate, you'll have to ask, unfortunately. She probably tells herself that she offered and you never took her up on it. Personally, I wouldn't do that unless you're happy to have her asking you more to take Paula more frequently. Perhaps it's worth it to you if you can get into a more equal arrangement.

So based on your past behaviour and what you've said, your sister thinks you are happy to have Paula over, but it just so happens you can't do the dates she's suggested recently?

If you have said "I can't have Paula at all," and she is still asking, then she is unreasonable to keep asking.

If you just say, "I can't do that date, sorry," then you are being unreasonable to expect her to read your mind and stop asking you at all.

Why hasn't she looked after your child as she said she would? How many dates have you suggested that she's refused?

Let no good deed go unpunished, as the saying goes

This seems fair to me. Paula clearly wants to come. And she doesn’t badger you to change your mind, but you’ve went from wanting to help, liking Paula to being insulting about your sister

OP hasn't insulted her sister. She doesn't want to have these visits and sleepovers and the 80 mile round trip drive anymore and that should be respected.

I think by giving various reasons/excuses you're letting her continue thinking she can ask and there is a chance you will do it.

Tell her straight 'I will offer when I have the free time, it is rare that I have that free time however. Don't ask again, the answer will always be no'.

I thought you were laughing in the last put when I was just ‘Ha’ I’m pleased you replied and that’s as a mistake 😂

I thought I was being kind by offering to have her over for tea a couple of times and knew she enjoyed it. I said she could have a sleep over one time so I didn’t mind so much when she asked if she could sleep over the first time, as I had said she could (silly me!) but it’s polite to wait to be asked.

Then she asked again recently and I thought that’s cheeky as I’d never offered a second one so she should wait until I offer imo. I said it doesn’t work and I didn’t offer an alternative date so she did and said what about the Monday and I reluctantly agreed. I think she’s cheeky to ask twice and push despite me saying no and not offering any alternatives. Most people would take the hint but my sister isn’t one to miss on an opportunity so took advantage and got her own way.

I drew the line when she asked me to have her again next week (less than a week since she was here last for the second sleepover) as it tells me she’s going to start asking regularly. I said no so again not one to take the word no, proceeded to ask for the half term instead. I said no again. Tried to barter with me as if it was negotiable and I stood firm as she’s taking advantage and I’ve told her having sleep overs doesn’t work for us for various reasons at the moment. She had to let it go at ten
point but I feel it’s awkward now as I don’t even want to speak to her tbh.

Does she offer to pay for your petrol costs?

Id just say to her, “my dc is at a tricky age and I need to focus on her during the week. I love seeing Paula, but I do find it’s a lot to do the 80 mile round trip. It might be kinder to Paula if you set her expectations a bit lower - perhaps I can have her overnight as a treat once a year some time near her birthday?”

You have to be clear and firm with her. When she was asking the first time (after you'd done the sleepover), you should have said that had been a one-off favour and you will not be able to repeat it, so she must stop asking.