AIBU to think dsis should juts take the answer NO the first time and stop bothering people?

[Treelins]

I’ll try to be as concise as possible and I’ve changed a few key details so not to be outings. I have and older sister who has 3 adult kids, one of whom has severe ASD and learning disability (Paula 30)

I also have my own DC one who has SEN but not to that degree (teenager) so last year I offered to have Pula for tea a couple of times as she said she’d like to come here. I picked her up then dropped her back off at home and the dropping off it a two hour round trip I I live an hour away. I said she could sleep one night too as I want to help out a bit, even though Paula has two other sisters and grandparents, so my DSIS asked if she could stay here a few weeks after my offer, so I said yes. She offered to take my DC for the day but I never heard anything ever again about that! but I didn’t ask.

A coupe of weeks ago DSIS asked if I could have Pula for another sleepover as she wasn’t keen on going to her grandparents for a week and would prefer to come here (sis and bil going on holiday for a week and Paula didn’t want to go) so I said no initially but she asked about a different day so I said ok. Then this morning she’s asked if I can have her again next week for a sleepover as they’re going out! I said no as I felt I was getting hemmed in to a corner and something that I thought was helpful is going to tiel in to something expected. I said no as it difficult through the week and gave my reasons but DSIS wouldn’t take no for an answer and asked if Paula could come in the half term and I said no again as it’s my partners big birthday and we’re going away so I can’t commit to that and she asked for a different day and I said no now I feel a bit shit but also angry she’s put me in this situation.

It’s not an emergency, she also has other options but Paula doesn’t want to go to her siblings house. I feel like I’m getting primed and she’s going to start asking me more frequently and I don’t want to do it as it’s too much especially as I have my owne chidl with SEN. I’m also annoyed that she said she’d take my DC but never did. Feels like I ages her an inch and she’s taking a mile and she only gets in touch when she wants something.

I have nipped it in the bud but why the fuck do people think it’s ok to badger and continue to ask when they’ve been told no. and way am I left feeling bad? When I know logically she’s out of order.

The trick here is not really about how you deal with your sister, but about you handle your guilt when saying no to her. Of course you should not feel guilty but that's easier said than done. Is there anyone else in your family who could be a friendly ear for you when you feel bad about not giving your sister her own way?

Have you actually said no outright or are you always giving excuses as to why? If I was told no because it was someone’s birthday I would assume that another day would be fine.

I actually don’t think you are being fair to your sister. You keep saying ‘I can’t do xyz date’ when what you REALLY mean is you aren’t able to facilitate theses visits at all.
She’s not a bloody mind reader!! Tell her properly. If she still badgers you after that, then she’s rude and entitled. But right now, your messages are so mixed and your ‘no’ is so watered down, you aren’t being fair

The first sleep over was last year but I didn’t offer again as I’d given rise to my side of the bargain by offering a sleepover. DSIS asked last week for a second one which I did then she’s asked for a third next week and tried to pin me down at the half term when I said no.

I think she’d start asking every few weeks that’s the impression I was getting so had to nip it in the bud

Do you get on with either your niece or sister? It must be very hard to have a child who at 30 still needs to be cared for/minded.

See this is the kind of twisted logic that I don’t get. You’re not wrong to have your opinion but I think it’s way off the mark and makes it as if I’m in the wrong.

I thought I was doing a nice deed asking if she’d like to come for tea x 2 so I offered that. I picked her up brought her here and toile her home (2 hour round trip)

I said perhaps Paula can sleep one time so instead of waiting to be asked my sister asked me if she could sleep. I kept my promise. I never said she could sleep for a second time and definitely not a third as it’s too much.

Paula wanting to come here is irrelevant as it’s too much for me and my circumstances and for my children’s meeds. Paula is great but it’s intense and I don’t want to be put on the spot when I’ve said it doenst work for me. Most people would take the hint at that point my sister doesn’t. She shouldn’t be asking me at all and certainly not badgering me less than a week after I’ve just had her here. Yes it’s taking the piss and she pushers until she gets her own way.

She probably thinks like you that’s it’s not bedgering peope to continue to ask for different dates even though they’ve said sleep overs don’t work. So something I though was a nice gesture when was convenient to us has turned in to a nightmare that has taught me a lesson, never offer as she’ll continue to ask!

"It's not something I can do on a regular basis pushysister. If I have capacity for Paula to sleep over, I will let you know, but it's going to be an occasional thing so please don't keep asking"

You've obviously been a yes person in the past trying to help her but she's took this as a green light to use you on a regular basis.Hold your nerve and keep refusing,hopefully she'll get the message.

Hi Sis I can have Paula for tea one night but Dave/Gran/Grandad will have to come and pick her up at 7 as I need to get dd to bed. I can't drop off anymore it really isn't convenient

@Treelins
Honestly just keep saying no and ask as well when is she going to return all the favors you've done for her, via her daughter?
It would appear that it's now dawning on you that she will always be a rhino-hide urine extractor of the highest quality
Me personally, as unkind as it may be I would lessen contact or you'll never get no peace to settle your mind as
You know always did your best whilst
She showed up and always did her absolute assumptive worse.

Exactly this. Doesn’t sound like you have been clear about not wanting to continue with sleepovers just that the date doesn’t work for you.

I like this message to send to her, it’s honest and perfect really.

From what i understand, this is like inviting someone for dinner once and then having them call you up continually to ask to come again (without having reciprocated).

An invitation to tea one day or an invitation to come for a sleep over one night, is NOT open invitation to come over for either whenever the other party fancies it.

I think I would text: DSis, I think there has been a misunderstanding. I invited P over for tea and later a sleep over, because I thought it would be nice for her. Both were one-off invitations to visit and not an open-ended offer to provide childcare. As I work FT, have children at school, and one with SEN who needs increasing support as GCSEs and A Levels approach, I am not in a position to reissue those invitations at the moment. I am sorry, but I need you to understand that I cannot help you with P’s childcare on any basis, so please stop asking.

But by the same token, you were waiting to be asked about taking your kids out,and seem to be holding it against her that she hasn't?

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I disagree. I offered a sleep over one time, I didn’t offer a second or a third that was her asking and what I think is cheeky especially after I’d said no. Nothing to do with not being a mind reader. She shouldn’t be asking for a 2nd or 3rd sleeper full stop. If only I was a mind reader, I wouldn’t have asked the first time 🫣

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Yea but she has grandparents to help out a lot and she’s always going away for a few days here and there and has a very active social life. She would be emptied to supported living though they don’t want that which is fair but then they’ll have to rethink what they can do realistically if Paula won’t stay with grandparents. My DC has SEN too and that’s why I can’t offer more. Paula has lots of activists to go to as my sister organises this so she has lots of opportunities which is great but my sister has been to more counties and had more short breaks/stays away more than most people know. So yeah it’s hard but my sister has had more opportunities than the average person

Don't be mad that she asked again a year later . You must realize how hard it is to get respite for Paula as she doesn't want to go with other people. You did a nice thing and Paula obviously liked it there with you . Your answers were a bit vague to be fair to your sister . But if you don't want to do it again you will have to be more specific. Tell her it's too much for you to do it more than randomly .I think you are probably a bit annoyed that your sister put you in the position of having to say No ? Not easy so it's easier to blame her . I know how you feel as you'd rather she didn't ask in the first place .

Thank you, it’s absolutely how I feel, thank you for understanding.

No that’s not right sorry if I’ve not made it clear. I had Paula twice for tea. She said oh I’ll take your DC to xyz and I thought that’s nice but would never say “Dc is asking about going to xyz are you able to take him next week?’ I just wouldn’t be that pushy.

I was miffed I agree but there are other things that I haven’t included but basically she only seems to get in touch with me
when she wants something so I have taken a step back over the last 8/9 months. For example, if call her for a catch up and she doesn’t answer I might try again the week after and if she doesn’t answer again I may try a third time on a different day but I won’t try again, as I think she should try and call me back really as that’s how reciprocal relationships work. She is very busy on days away, plans with friends and she’s actively very sociable so o think it’s a poor doo that she only seems to call me when it’s for her gain.

why are you calling her "Dear" Sis????? and why are you still trying to contact her 3!!!!!!! times??

I guess my question to this would be why would she assume because I offered a sleep over one time that this equates to ‘I’m happy to have sleepovers whenever, ask away’ Why assume it’s not a one off? Why is the onus on me to say ‘’buy this is a one time offer?’

As a pp pointed out and used a perfect example, if someone invited you to dinner once, does that give you the green light to ask to go back for dinner another time? I don’t think so and imo it’s no different

Am I calling her dear sis? Thought it was darling sis as an abbreviation but yeah perhaps I should just use sis.

Feels like you’re missing the point. She doenst really contact me unless she wants something and that’s part of the issues you can’t only get in touch for a favour as that’s using people. I have to phone her if I want to keep in touch. She might answer and we’ll have a catch up or she might not and says ‘oh I forgot to phone you back’. I might try again the week after as she is often away and busy and forgets, and I may try a week or two after because if I didn’t, we wouldn’t really have contact. If someone doesn’t call you back after two or three calls over a couple of weeks then they aren’t that fussed. So I don’t bother now.

I’ve just re-read the post you read and replied to and highlighted 3 and it’s quite astonishing that form that explanation all you get is that I may contact
her three times over a period of weeks. A-It’s not the norm and B- It’s usually something important that she would like to know about the wider family

Just Say No.