To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I keep thinking this too.
It is so disturbing that OP’s been given two beautiful grandchildren and is actively choosing to only make an effort with one.

Imagine this same thread but the child OP doesn’t feel she should treat equally because she doesn’t feel emotionally attached to was fostered or adopted.

Sounds like he is biiitching behind his wife’s back at any opportunity. Not an honest guy.
I have no doubt that the conversation occurred, unless DIL has a mental disability that would cause her to get married without any questions.
Doesn’t sound plausible? Marriage definitely makes him responsible, well if he was a decent man. Otherwise why marry someone who has a child that lives with them FT.

The page of “Oh no, I’ve married in the mad clan with an overbearing controlling MIL”. She probably deciding if they should move counties or countries to get away from the in-laws.

You don’t want it to, I see that - but other points are allowed, not just yours.

Will DD2 be treated the same as DD1 by her paternal grandparents? No. It might not be happening in her home but you can be damn sure she’ll notice it. Where is the hand-wringing for that?

It's a completely irrelevant comparison. It's not about ensuring that the children receive completely the same life experiences in every way - no family achieves that - nor is it necessarily desirable, it's about ensuring a very little girl does not feel second best/ unloved/ an inconvenience within the family she lives with/ is raising her/ is blended into. That's why there is no comparison on the other side - because there is no blending of relationships/ family on the other side.

You're at the very least heavily implying that since the dad lives abroad, the step-dad should fully take over his role. I strongly disagree. A parent abroad can still be a loving, caring parent who doesn't deserve to be replaced.

Step-dad should remain 'Mike' and take his lead from mum, not insert himself as an equal parent with all the decision-making, disciplining etc that that brings with it.

This was our position - my DCs were clearly the inferior GCs due to being adopted with my DS being even lower on the pecking order than my DD.