To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I don’t yet have grandchildren but in your situation I’d treat them the same. If the older one wanted to call me grandma I would totally be happy with that scenario. She’s very small, it doesn’t matter if she understands family dynamics or not she’ll see you as a lovely lady in her life and if you treat her sister differently she’ll always feel unwanted and in the way. My brother in law met someone with an 11 year old son. My in laws treated him like part of the family. Bought him gifts and even looked after him, they did this for their son and ended up with a lovely bond with son’s stepson. Who cares about blood, look at that adorable 2 year old and be glad you get to be in her life.

Meant to click yanbu x

Ahh this is tough. I’m in a blended family (have a SS 50/50) and 2 biological. However although I know my family love my children in a different way to my SS, my SS doesn’t know that. My mum would only ever buy/ bring extra little “just because” gifts if my SS wasn’t there and wouldn’t see, same as his biological GP do for him. For Christmas and birthdays she spends the same amount of money on my biological children and my SS. Where he could clearly “see” if there was a difference, my mum and step dad and other family treat him the same I.e sending holiday money for all 3 of them for a holiday treat etc. it’s really not this little girls fault so as much as you can try to treat them the same when it’s obvious

Well I assume they do because they are both their biological grandaughters.
It is vanishingly unlikely that StepGD's father's parents, on the other hand, have any sort of relationship at all with OP's biological GD.

While I get you don't want to treat them the same and the step granddaughter has other family, I think you need to consider some of your behaviours.
Some examples do seem unkind e.g. if you were babysitting only wanting to do this for your biological granddaughter, only helping out for mum to do the school run and you have the youngest - this all implies you have no interest in them.

Also as others have said the amount you spoil the youngest will become obvious. If I was your son I would be upset if you even suggested paying for private school for them (unless you knew the other grandparents had made the same offer for the eldest).
These girls are being raised as siblings and as the eldest dad doesn't even live in this country he isn't going to be having tons of contact. I think you are asking for trouble and it will cause a rift with your son.

Well I'm not a single parent (not that that matters in the slightest) and my kids have four doting involved grandparents.

And I still think the OP is a really mean, nasty cow. Even her username stinks of her attitude. I bet she'd never have the guts to show her posts to her DS and DIL and say here's how I feel, just FYI. Because she knows full well her DIL would say over my dead body will you be seeing your granddaughter again.

My in-laws found themselves with three bonus grandchildren, all older than 2 and how they acted (with love and acceptance) is one of the reasons I love them. They may feel very differently but it's how they act that counts.

Well no, because their son doesn't live with that little girl and bring her along to family events and occasions. Since OP's son IS doing that, they (should) have a much closer relationship.

Sorry OP but I think the financial side to this is a bit tight. You clearly have the means to buy each girl a decent present or send them to the same private school. Money is not a marker of how much you love that person, so I can’t see why both girls have to be treated differently in that regard.

However I do understand wanting to spend your own time with your grandchild and that should be respected.

Your DIL may find things awkward though and worry about the older DD being treated differently in your care, in which case may prefer her own parents, who love both girls the same, to be the main choice for babysitting. I know I would in this situation.

I don’t think it’s cruel. I grew up as the third child to my mother, my siblings share a separate father. When they stayed over their paternal grandparents home or had Christmas gifts from them I was not bitter as I had MY OWN paternal grandparents that gave me gifts etc (though my paternal grandparents were materially poorer so I got “less” in monetary value - as a child that went unnoticed until I was old enough to notice and thus understand)

And as for the little girl feeling second best because she doesn’t get the same gift- the opposite is also true- at Christmas for instance daughter 1 will receive gifts from - her maternal grandparents, her paternal grandparents, her dad, her mum and step dad AND her sisters grandparents (op). Meanwhile daughter 2 will receive gifts from her maternal grandparents, her paternal grandparents(op) and her mum and dad (VERY likely to be joint as they are in a current partnership) so materially speaking the eldest daughter will have more. Unless the dil also demands of the eldests daughter’s dad and his parents to gift equally to daughter 2- this is ludicrous. It just won’t happen. The girls will grow up understanding they have different grandparents and dads and that’s fine. It’s expected.

Op has said she is kind, welcoming and appropriately loving toward the eldest child, but OF COURSE she’s not expected to treat her as a grandchild. If it were the case that the eldests father was off the scene, she had no contact and her paternal grandparents were the same, perhaps the situation would differ. If ops son were to adopt the girl, the situation would definitely differ. But on the facts as op has given I don’t think op is unreasonable

“I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare” - Yes, but she will notice the difference between her and your other granddaughter, by your very actions you are not making her feel welcome or included or being kind she will notice your other granddaughter is favoured. You literally go on to say things you won’t include her in because of your time with your favoured grandchild. It is also evidently not a case of financially being limited meaning you would not be able to treat both. Your son and his partner come as a package, including her child, she was good enough to provide you with your precious new grandchild, but not her other older child 🙄

You are entitled to feel differently (although would argue unreasonable), and you are right she has other extended family, but the obvious favouritism is not okay. You either treat them all or not at all.

You are coming across as incredibly cold here.
Do you not want to do something for your DS and DIL? Such as babysit for both children so they can go out or have a lie in?
I am an adoptive parent and my mum massively favoured her birth grandchildren over our two and one of my two over the other one. We are kind of lucky in that the one she did not favour was my DS who has difficulty reading social cues so did not notice, but my DD noticed and it wasn't good for her either (she doesn't know that, for example, my mum never once invited us for Christmas and instead invited her birth grandchildren every year, even when my DCs were small and could share a room with us).

You are risking alienating both your DS (who is day-to-day parenting this little girl, even if it's not 100% of the time) and your DIL who is your DGD's mother. Don't do this.

This thread makes me sad.

Absolutely this!

No-one is trying to dictate how you feel, OP, but you should be more thoughtful about what you do and how you do it.
I know a blended family where each partner has a stepchild. For various reasons the other biological parents have very little involvement but both sets of GPs treat the 2 girls as sisters. That works for everyone's benefit.

You're going down a dangerous road here. You may become the baddie in their family lore because you favour one child over the other. In other words, don't under-estimate the loyalty your son and your DGD will feel towards this girl who is their stepdaughter and half-sister. They all live together, so they will feel bonded to each other. And the two girls ARE sisters. Might biologically be half-sisters, but since they have lived with each other since a young age, they will probably feel just like regular sisters. You are the outsider to that primary family unit, don't forget. If you want them to close ranks against you, keep on with your current attitude.

We are allowed to have fixed ideas. Other people are not obliged to satisfy our fixed ideas, that is true. But equally we are free not to approve of other's people fixed ideas -

"My mum has my back, anything I do, she's all in. Whether that's bio kids, step kids, climbing a mountain. She. Is. There." No, thank you. Bio kids - yes, step-kids and climbing the mountain - sorry, no. Indulgent, unnecessary things, both climbing the mountain and step kids. Grandparents don't have to go with every folly of their adult children.

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

What happens if you get your wish, OP? And the older child doesn't want to be your grandchild, doesn't love you or even like you, understands that you feel differently about her and doesn't want to come to your house or be included in family events? That might turn out to be a little bit inconvenient for everyone if it means that DIL always has to stay with her because she prefers not to be in your company or visit your home.

I understand it but I've been through similar. I married my partner and he took on my young children. His parents have known them from toddler age and I genuinely believed they would be great grandparents towards them. They'd spoil them at Christmas and we all spent a lot of time together. A few years later, his sibling had a one night stand and that produced a baby.
We soon saw our place in the pecking order change.

My partner's parents barely bother with my kids anymore. Basically no communication but birthday/Christmas cards and £20, used to be from nana and grandad but now they sign off using their names instead. They see me, married to their son and have raised our family for almost 20years, on the same par as the woman sleeping with various men and just happened to have got pregnant to their son. The son and his 'ex' don't even speak to eachother and grandparents do all pick up/drop offs.

It hurts, as much as I understand that we aren't blood, it hurts. Mine don't have anyone else and they said from day one that they will be my kids grandparents and called me 'daughter' until the baby came along. I don't think it'd hurt to just be mindful. Mine are fully aware that blood grandchild is priority over inherited grandchildren but they take it in the stride now they're older. None of resents the baby but the obvious, rapid change in how the grandparents became.

Your feelings are very understandable, but they are not the whole story. You cannot expect a small child to be anything other than hurt if she is treated differently to her sister. So the disparity needs to be managed, in consultation with your son and DIL.

For example, funding school can be done discreetly. If you are gifting a bike, then talk with your son and DIL in advance on timing and messaging in advance - your DIL could say, for example, "Today we are visiting Granny X and dd2 is getting a bigger present, then on Tuesday we are seeing Granny Y and dd1 is getting a bigger present, so its all fair."

I speak from experience, as my MIL refused to accept my dds as her grandchildren. There was no biological link as we were a lesbian couple, but both dc were conceived within our relationship. That was her right, of course, but what really hurt was how overtly dismissive she was of our dd1 - pushing her away when she came for a hug for example. Or asking me to take her out for a couple of hours when relatives were visiting as, "This is just for family".

I had to go very low contact for several years, not to punish her, but because I couldn't allow my kids to be treated like a dirty little secret. The biggest loser was my MIL, of course, who didnt get to enjoy seeing her dd as a mother. Also because my dc were very tight with their cousins, who live on the other side of the world, and who mainly stayed with us rather than their gran when visiting.

I'm not saying any of this with relish. My MIL was a very elderly woman from a highly conservative country. I understand how she struggled. But I do remember all the opportunities she had to show kindness, which she passed, and how impossible it was for me to expose my children to her cold disrespect.

In your situation I would see this as an opportunity for a bonus grandchild. This is your granddaughter's sister and any difference in treatment could impact their relationship as well as cause issues in your relationship with your son and dil and also between them. Why not be generous and open hearted on this one by treating her as your granddaughter? And if you don't feel that fake it until you make it. There is more than enough love to go around.

What?? Stepchildren are not a folly! They are human beings who are in a blended family through no fault of their own!

My brother married his then wife when she had a two year old, and they later went on to have a child together. We all, my parents, my siblings, treated both children the same - they got similar amounts spent on them, we babysat them both, took them both out together. Maybe it would have been different if the two year old had been older, but I doubt it tbh. I consider him my nephew. It doesn't matter really that he has a third set of grandparents etc. He's in his 30's now with his own family, and still very much a part of our lives and our family.

I do understand the logical place you're coming from, and if you don't feel the same about the two children, you can't change that. But assuming they're going to be together for the forseeable, that little girl will be in your life for a long time, she will grow up with you being around, and how awful for her to always feel like she doesn't matter as much as her sibling when she's in your company.

Me too. Saying she is not my granddaughter when your son is literally married to her mother is quite awful in my opinion. Your son chose a partner who already had a very young child. Your son therefore chose to be a parent to that child. You, therefore, ARE that child’s grandparent now.

The gift thing is frankly disgusting and if I was your son I’d be asking you just to stop all gifts for both kids. You do not treat siblings differently like that. You will create resentment between them. You don’t know that the other child’s grandparents are as wealthy as you. How do you think she will feel seeing her sister get a bike off granny for her birthday, if she only gets a puzzle???

Creating rivalries between siblings is not good or healthy for either child including the bio grandchild you say you love so much. If you love them as much as you say you do, how could you possibly think you’re doing the right thing by treating their sibling that way (who they will probably love dearly btw and will likely be their best friend for life). If my sister, who I love to the end of the earth and who is absolutely 100% my best friend, told me that they felt hurt by actions of my grandparent, such as leaving them out in terms of gifts etc., I would feel quite upset and angry with that grandparent.

Is she turning herself into a doormat though? It sounds like she appreciates the opportunity to spend time with her grandchild. But the girls are a package deal, OP may not see it that way but DIL does.
But to your point, maybe OP should do as you suggest and cut back the babysitting. It’s entirely her choice and she’s not obligated to help. That’ll show them.

And read the many threads on here from dils who are heartbroken and upset at the differences in how their children are treated in step families. If you want to cause rifts and upsets in your own family carry on as you are.