To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I know, I totally misread the thread. I’m tired and shouldn’t be commenting on here!

I was going to say the same.
I don't think you can just say "Oh she has a different family to my grand daughter, she will know it, my grand daughter will know it... so I will leave it up to them.

The way I view it.
YOUR SON and HIS WIFE, view both girls equally, because they are sisters, being brought up together, with the little girl being two, she will hardly remember a time before that.

But from your standpoint OP, you are saying. Well my son may treat them equally but I won't.

Its not kind to consciously do things like buy one child a puzzle for under £5 and the other child a top of the range bike. Are you really that hard up. You are already in effect saying she's not part of my family, I will tolerate her but I won't go out of my way. Are you doing that because you can barely afford to buy presents for your GD? Or you can afford it, but want to make a point that one child is special and the other isn't. They are both the same to your son.

They are sisters and viewing things the way you outlined in your OP is interfering in their relationship. That is so damaging and not only to the poor older child, but to her sister, your grand daughter. They are sisters and if they were both your son's child, this wouldn't be an issue. Life is hard enough - why take actions that sow division from such an early age.

The people on this thread calling OP "cruel" when she very clearly isn't are absolute fucking lunatics. I can only assume they're all single parents who are projecting their own feelings about their own kids and future relationships onto OP. The child already has two sets of grandparent. She doesn't need a third.

And the DiL and her child DON'T come a "a package" to OP, despite what PP said: they come as a package to her son.

My, you are petty!

These children ARE biological siblings. Your husband has been helping to raise that child since she was two.

Yes, the child has two other sets of grandparents, but your need to keep score is pathetic and unkind. Regarding the child's father, your comment that you wouldn't expect him to have any responsibility to your child is a failed argument because your son is actually this child's stepfather. That child's father has no connection to your bio grandchild.

I see this as your loss. This could have been another grandchild for you to love from the start, but you are determined to keep saying you are "not related" to her and make up rules to suit that determination.

You are, however, related to her. Your son is her stepfather, your "real" grandchild is her biological sister.

And very soon, both those children will see you are the mean old lady that you are. The gift giving alone is downright cruel, especially since you are so aware of it and rationalize it in a way that suits you. This is not a random child next door, and she has been in your life since she was a baby herself.

If your son hasn't already seen how divisive this behavior is, his wife eventually will. You are causing more problems than you seem to be aware of by your immature need to be petty and keep score and draw lines and define the meaning of "family". Truly appalling behavior and a shameful way of thinking.

@NotHerGran I do understand that’s how you feel. But I have seen the same scenario played out in real life and it destroyed their family. The daughter has now no contact with her mum which then means neither child re do either. Biological grandchild included. Just think it through and see if you can bridge the gap.

I think the thing is you are probably the most involved other family member from what you say. The one that’s always there and helping and buying stuff. Therefore it’s going to become very evident to the 2 year old as they grow that the youngest has this wonderful grandmother who will come at the drop of a hat, buy the little one anything and basically treat her like a princess and the other family on the older ones side seedless involved, that’s fine maybe that’s their family style but the difference is going to be very noticeable if you are convinced and always there with time and money for one but not the other.
they are being brought up like sisters as they are, to them they are sisters, the closest bond and so they will compare and will have rivalry and so for the sake of their relationship, you are going to have to step back or treat them the same.

My son is aware of how I feel and, as far as I know, he understands it. He’s never made comments, only DIL

This stood out to me. I take your points OP but agree with others tread carefully. Putting your son in a position to take your side over his wife's will not end well. I can see this escalating and not in a good way.

It’s for this reason that if I were the DIL, I would be trying to move nearer my own parents who presumably love both my children equally. Then the paternal grandparents are much more free to pick and choose their relationships. The problem arises because OP is 10 minutes down the road and so is the closest family, but she only wants a relationship with one of the small children in the household, so the unequal treatment would be part of my older child’s weekly life. The more I think about it, the more it seems that way everyone gets to have the relationship they want. There might be work or financial reasons that make that difficult though.

We have a situation in my extended family where a two year old child came into everyone’s lives after one of the siblings got together with the mum. The now 18-year-old has never been treated as anything other than a member of the family by everyone involved including her “grandparents”. The OP’s post has actually made me realise how beautiful that is. As in OP’s case, the child was technically the “first grandchild” to enter the family. She is deeply loved by all of us ❤️

@Forgotthebins I agree that the OP is too involved atm. She needs to step back and not be so available. Her DIL can take a shower while the baby's sleeping, for example, like most parents do. The OP dropping everything to babysit as and when is creating an unrealistic dynamic and increasing everyone's expectations.

The OP sounds well off, and the DIL is demanding she spends money on her child. Isn't that the definition of a CF?

A normal mother would encourage relationships with each set of grand-parents, and be delighted that the in-laws are perfectly kind, decent and accepting of a child that has nothing to do with them.

How grabby to demand more money, more gifts, more babysitting
when the older child already has a father and her own grand-parents offering all of those things.

You can't do anything about it, smile and be pleasant, but she sounds awful.

I do not think it is unreasonable to adopt different approaches. Both girls would always be welcome, I would be happy to babysit, but on significant gifts and inheritance I would be focused on my biological granddaughter. I do not see anything wrong with this.

Its 'their' childs sibling though...so yes indeed it IS a part of their family.

This is a really bad attitude. My step grandmother treated me like all of her “real” grandchildren, and I truly loved her. In fact, at her funeral, I was the one who was a blubbering, sobbing mess. Not her “real” grandchildren.

Yes, the child has two other sets of grandparents, but your need to keep score is pathetic and unkind. Regarding the child's father, your comment that you wouldn't expect him to have any responsibility to your child is a failed argument because your son is actually this child's stepfather. That child's father has no connection to your bio grandchild.

In the same way that OP has no connection to her son's wife's child.

Well, all I can say is that I'm glad my own grandparents were more kind, loving and accepting to a child who wasn't their grandchild by blood. I only ever knew one set of grandparents as my father's parents died before he even met my mother. He was a widower with a 3 year-old daughter when they met and married the following year. She was my dear elder sister and for my grandparents and for me and my younger sisters, she was much a part of our family as as any of us.

You don't have to feel the same. It's fine to just want to take your GD out. however if you were taking them on holiday or out as a family it would be awful to exclude the little girl.

My mother differentiated between me and my siblings. She tried to do the same between my sister’s children and mine. A united front presented and she hasn’t seen grandchildren for years. Beware!

Oh, and I knew at a pretty young age what she was doing.

I wonder what the relationship is like been DIL's parents and the OPs granddaughter. Do they treat both girls equally?

Is this a wind-up? You couldn't possibly contemplate making pancakes for somebody that is not a blood relation...okay...

You are not unreasonable to feel this way. You are unreasonable to show it!

OP, I think your feelings are pretty natural and you shouldn't have to be ashamed of them. Life would be easier all round if we were all more honest about our feelings.

Are all three sets of grandparents now equally grandparents to both little girls? Are the older daughter's paternal grandparents expected to treat her new stepsister as if she were also their own? When they buy their grand-daughter a 200 pound bike, should they also buy one for OP's grand-daughter?

If the older girl's dad and family were not in the picture, or if there was a huge disparity of wealth, then it would be a mistake for OP to do anything which could cause rifts between the sisters or the parents. But if it's merely a situation where elder daughter has one set of involved paternal grandparents and younger daughter has a different but equally involved set, I see no reason why the girls can't grow up seeing that as perfectly normal. "My grandparents, your grandparents."

What does the older girl call you, OP?

I think it's up to the parents to explain to the children that they have their own sets of grandparents, with one shared set. There's nothing wrong with that.
OP's grandaughter would be the disadvataged one otherwise,with only 2 sets of grandparents, whilst the older child has 3 sets.
As a parent, however, there would be nil chance of me sending one child to private school and not the other.
I can't see how only babysitting biological GD would work out either.
I take it you are "NotHerGran" to the step GD and not "gran" OP.
If you have allowed yourself to be called gran, that complicates matters.

why? there will be other relationships where she is treated differently to her sister - children will be her sister's friends rather than hers, and later on romantic partners, etc. Conversely she will have relationships with her dad and dad's family that her sister won't have. That's completely normal for half/step siblings.

I really don't get this argument about step children that everyone should fake and lie about feelings they don't have towards them. Even if OP did so now while the child is young, at some point she is going to want to, as she says, pay private school or uni fees, or leave her money in her will to her 'real' GD. If up until then the step dd's has been treated exactly the same, that's going to hurt a lot more than if the relationship had been made clear from the start.

It's also going to cause her to look back on the rest of her life and wonder if any of it was real or the whole relationship was fake and OP didn't even like her. Whereas if it's made clear from the start that OP is fond of her, but in a friend of the family/distant relative/teacher/neighbour type way rather than direct family, everyone will know where they stand.

Yes, but in this case the older girl's own paternal grandparents are very much alive and by the sound of it very much involved.

To me the biggest danger is getting into a situation where the two sets of paternal grandparents compete to see which of them can spoil their grand-daughter the most.