AIBU to think timing and charging for my showers is excessive?

[DuchessOf]

I know this is going to sound completely ridiculous and I am aware that I probably need to grow a backbone, but I'm genuinely upset and don't know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm 37F and my sister, "Karen", is 41F. We're very different people. She's quite a big, loud woman and has always been very confident and outspoken. I'm small and quiet and tend to avoid confrontation. She says I'm "too sensitive", which is probably true.

I'm staying with her for a few weeks while some work is being done at my flat. I am very grateful because she has a spare room and I don't really want to stay in a hotel.
The problem is her hot water.

Karen is extremely careful with money. She has a combi boiler and apparently has worked out exactly how much a shower costs. When I arrived she told me that showers were limited to five minutes and that I should "think of the meter".

I honestly thought she was joking.

She wasn't.

There is now a little kitchen timer outside the bathroom. She says I'm supposed to set it before getting in the shower.

The first morning I was here I took about seven minutes because I'd washed my hair. She knocked on the door at five minutes and said, "That's your five."

I said, "Sorry, I've just got shampoo in my hair."

She said, "Well, you've had your warning."

I thought this was incredibly strange but didn't say anything.

She then told me I'd used 7p worth of hot water and asked me for 10p.

I laughed because I assumed she was joking.

She just looked at me and said, "It's not free."

I gave her the 10p.

Since then she's been keeping track. She has a notebook on the kitchen worktop with everyone's shower times written down. Mine says:
Monday – 6 mins – 12p
Tuesday – 4 mins – 8p
Wednesday – 8 mins – 16p

I asked why Wednesday was 16p and she said I'd "had the water running unnecessarily".

I honestly don't know how she knows this.

Yesterday I had a shower before work and she knocked after five minutes.

I said, "I'm nearly finished."

She said, "You're always nearly finished."

I got out.

Later she told me that she'd calculated I'd used an additional 11p of gas and that she thought it was "only fair" that I contributed £1 towards the week's hot water.

I gave it to her because I couldn't think of what else to do.
This morning I got up early because I thought I could have a shower before she woke up.

Apparently she has changed the boiler settings so that the hot water doesn't come on until 6.30am.

I turned the tap on at 6.15 and it was cold.

I texted her asking if there was something wrong with the boiler and she replied:

"No. It's 6.15. We've discussed this."

I hadn't realised we'd discussed it.

The really humiliating thing is that yesterday I went into town and bought a coffee. When I came home she said, "You can afford a £4.20 coffee but apparently you can't afford your share of the gas."

I said the coffee wasn't really relevant.

She said, "Everything's relevant when you're living in someone else's house."

I went upstairs and cried.

I know objectively that this sounds pathetic. We're talking about pennies. I can afford to pay for the water. It's not the money.

It's the fact that I feel like I'm being monitored constantly.
I now feel anxious every time I turn on a tap. I've started brushing my teeth with the bathroom door closed because I don't want her commenting on how long the water was running.

Last night she actually shouted upstairs:

"Are you having a bath?"

I wasn't. I'd dropped something in the sink.

I said no.

She said, "Good, because that's not happening."

I am beginning to dread being here. I don't want anyone to tell me to just leave because unfortunately it's not that simple and I don't have another option immediately available.

Karen says I'm being dramatic and that I'm "acting like she's withholding food".

She says I'm lucky she lets me stay here and that if I don't like her rules I can pay for a hotel. I do appreciate that it's her house. I really do.

But AIBU to think charging your sister 10p for a shower and keeping a notebook of her shower times is a bit excessive?

In five minutes my scalp isn't even wet.

OP it all sounds so miserable. I couldn't live like that. Yes do give her the money every week and be done with it. It would be such a relief to leave

That's a horrible situation to be in. Could you offer her a lump sum in advance so thst you're paid and not worrying constantly?
I can empathise with you as my dad is so hung up on people using water in their house that it makes it unpleasant to visit.
He has a bucket in each shower that your expected to catch all the water in, hovers behind you if you turn the kitchen tap on, woe betide if you want to run the tap to wash your hands in warm water!! He'll stand behind you making faux concern comments, asking if there's something wrong with the tap for it to be running for so long (I'm talking anything more than 10 seconds).
He actually turns off the water to the shower we use just to make it even more difficult.
My parents are in no way struggling financially, so it's not due to saving money (nor is it to do with saving the environment).
It's unpleasant & exhausting.

Why don't you give her £50 to cover your water, gas and electricity usage for the next month to shut her up?

She sounds neuro/psych challenged and is undiagnosed.

She won't change. Do your best to ease things in whatever way might work and hope you can get out of Dodge pronto!

I think people are missing a huge point here. The OP's sister is not imposing these rules on the OP only to be dificult, is the way she lives herself. Is a little bit like if she would be vegetarian or muslim, you don't expect to eat pork while in her house. She lives frugally and is her right to make rules in her house, especially if she feels strongly about waste.
OP should contribute or leave if she doesn't like it, we can not live the way we want in someone else's house.

OP has offered to contribute. Dsis refused £100 a week contribution plus OP offered to buy food as well. Why would you refuse that and then penny pinch like this. It’s not about money - it’s controlling.

OP offered - didn’t get the chance to prove she meant it because Dsis refused. personally I’d just transfer in £100 a week to cover expenses and spend as long as I wanted in the shower. That’s a miserable way to live if you don’t have to.

She sounds exactly like an old boss of mine. She had zero people skills and would turn the simplest task into something nigh on impossible. She was loud, boisterous and down right terrifying. She was also autistic although she would never mention it but her business partner and brother did. I was never so happy to leave a job.

OP has said several times she offered money to cover her expenses as well as offering to buy food. Disis refused.

Is about principles that she lives by. And she is entitled to live by them. The sister is not being checky fucker to overcharge, she asks for pennies. Even more reason to see it has nothing malicious but is a way of living that she chose in her own house and she stands by it. Good for her, I admire her.

Start popping £1 next to her timer every shower.

When you leave bank her the “rent” and get a normalise food shop delivered like you offered.

That way you’ve done everything you’ve said you would plus the extra shower money.

She then cannot main at all to anyone.

And don’t stay again.

I'm 37F and my sister, "Karen", is 41F. We're very different people. She's quite a big...

I thought you were talking about bra sizes and wondered what that had to do with showers and hot water! 🤣

Freud talked about sibling rivalry. Sounds like she’s a case in point. I doubt she will ever change.

Is about principles that she lives by. And she is entitled to live by them.

And the rest of us are entitled to think she's fucking nuts, and the OP is entitled to want nothing to do with her after this bizarre episode. So that's everybody's 'entitlement' sorted, not sure how much further it gets us but there we are.

She’s horrid and abusive, OP. Is it worth getting out of there and going to a hotel? Trauma is damaging 💐

Can you got to a local pool and gym and shower there? Obvious pay for a swim and then just have a wash.

I agree - it’s about control.

Just give her £100 for the week and tell her you’ll use hot water as much as you like.

Agree. The issue (or non-issue) is my entitlement is contained within my house, so if you come to my house you live by these or exercise your own entitlement and pay a hotel. No need for drama. 🙂

Apologies, I missed the bit about you already offering her the £100. I couldn't edit my previous post.

Shes nuts!

She sounds batshit and like of u have a friend go staybwith it would be better.

Faiking that, and if fof a few weks onky. Ask ehat her usual utilities bill is. Double it and takd her out for a very nice meal. At the very least it may reveL her lack of generosity . Bit if shes coufnting pennies it could be that she is seripusly struggling financially, im which case her gestude and lettimg yoi stay shpuld at least be cost neutral for her, and ideally coat beneficial.
Bung her the money..save the relationship but dont, whatveer u.do, stay with hsr again if u can help it.
Blody wierd

What with this and the post about the OP meeting a man on holiday, we have reached peak not-RTFT territory!
All the unnecessary re-posting of the original post is just as grating.
Think I need a break from MN.

I would just transfer it to her account

Just tell her you give her £5 a week to cover hot water and take longer showers