AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

She is being ridiculous especially on the Christmas thing but the rest- we see my mum his mum Mother’s Day and that’s after brekkie in bed! I don’t think it should be a case of ‘it’s my turn now!’ especially when mums suddenly don’t get to see their adult children more than the odd time! We’re all going to be there someday

We are.

and due to my MILs behaviour, I make it very clear to my children that when they are older and have families of their own, they suit themselves. They do what makes them happy.

I don’t want them to feel obligated

She can "insist" all she wants. You don't have to do it. But honestly it's up to your DH to say no. Don't let him make you the bad guy.

You say you love him because he is kind but he sounds like a pushover. One of the reasons I love my DH is I know he would side with me, in cases where I was being reasonable.

Well I don't care about Mother's Day anyway, but even if I did want to do something for it, I am grown up enough to realise that if my son is married/partnered up and has a child and his partner/wife's mum is still alive, there are three mothers who need to have their turn on that day and unless you all live very close to each other, you're going to have to take it in turns and not all see each other.

Also, it's better to eat out on a different day as you get ripped off on Mother's Day and the food is crap. So I would not so altruistically accept another day anyway ;)

As well as that, there may be other activities. Your child may have a hobby they do on Mother's Day. They might do a team sport, for example. A lot of fixtures still go ahead.

I actually want my son to get a better offer at Christmas or whatever so I can go away!

Just book it, it’s fine!

take my permission as all you need 🤣🤣

Go! My in-laws alternate now hosting Christmas and then holidaying for Christmas.

They love it they said they would never do every year at home again even if one of their children hosted it’s a nope.

Tell your DH it wasn't fair last year, she ruined your day with your parents as you didn't actually get it, and you're doing it at your family's properly this year.

If MIL alternates with her other son then the solution is to go to hers when it's her turn! That means from now on you'll be alternating (one time slot per family) So, this year it's Christmas day /dinner with your DM and evening with MIL- you won't be going to BiL's. Next year you do the opposite. Now I'm writing this makes me wonder what your DM will do during Christmas day / dinner?

I’m sorry but no.

Pretty normal to spend Christmas with one side of the family and then switch over.
Theres no need to spend EVERY Christmas with her, even part of the day.

And as it is, the OP isn’t spending Christmas with her family much either.

Do the same thing back to her.

Refused to go to her, brother agd then back to her. It will take you the whole day anyway.
Pick her up, take her to the brother. Then leave back to your parents, ensuring you spend plenty of time with them. After-all, your mum is ALSO going to find it hard this year too.

Then next year, refuse to split the day and take ‘your turn’ .

That would only solve Christmas though.
You need to have a chat with her re ‘being with her on the day’.

It feels like she hasn’t let go of her being at the centre if the family iyswim.
Im wondering . Does she insist that dh siblings and children ALSO spend the important days with her? Has it always been like this when your dh was growing up?

Your husband doesn’t need to ‘sort this out’ , he needs to recallibrate his perspective. Remind him that when you got married the vows were not meaningless words, but a promise to put each other first and support each other. You need to go out to dinner and let him know you have something important to discuss about your family, ie the 3 of you, then present the issue to him together with a proposed solution. The on-the-day thing is not sustainable. Imagine you have 2 children under 4 and trying to do that.
Your husband needs to be a husband first, then a son. You and your child are now his immediate family. Your husband is being wet by running when she jerks his string. He can’t please all of the people all of the time, so he should please the most important people and that should mean you and child.
Why has his mother got such a hold over him? I had a similar situation with my husband’s mother and I failed to call him out on it early on because I was trying too hard to ingratiate myself. I really regret it because the golden window of opportunity passed and it was then too late, and she had him by the nuts. I know that if I had insisted at the outset or after we had our first child he would have shifted his position and loyalty.
There will be further tests of your husband’s loyalty in the future. If he chooses to kowtow to his mother instead of presenting a united front with you she will not respect you and it will undermine your marriage. Good luck, be strong, take a stand on this.

It's interesting how you jokingly dismiss the idea of doing something that is very well justified. You aren't the one being unreasonable here OP.

She needs to be told that you will alternate between families and even then there will be the odd reason why its not adhered to exactly

just keep it simple “ no sorry he cant come to the sirport bexause x’. “Its my mums turn this year at Christmas, let us know what other day suits you “

remember JADE dont :
justify
argue
defend
explain ( beyond the basic - “its my mums turn ‘

don't engage end conversations that ho on about the topic , “ I've got nothing more to say about this im going to end this call now

if you are going to keep talking about this i am going to ask you to leave / we are going to leave

.

Offer to see her on your chosen day (Christmas eve or boxing day) and if she says that won't work, just say "Oh well, see you in the new year then!" Start insisting as much as she does!

You have to start insisting too. Tell Hubby what you will and will not do. he needs to worry more about making you upset or mad than making his Mommy mad. Remind him that he took vows with you. Start using the Phrase....no I won't be doing that.....more often.

The trouble is OP that you've given in to all of this so far.. So I would expect a battle here.

We had a similar struggle when we had our 1st DC between my family and DH's family. After a horrendous Christmas where we spent more time in the car than in people's houses or our own, I put my foot down and we've never travelled since on Christmas Day.

What does your DH actually want to do? Is it important to see her on Christmas day or is he not bothered? Id be tempted to say you don't want a regimented plan for the day every year and you can make a new tradition of seeing on boxing day or similar

Your MIL is very selfish.

I always post the same thing on similar threads - would you dream of doing the same thing to your children when you're her age? I would hope not. In that case, this is your time to do what works best for you and your children, otherwise you'll have a lifetime of never spending a Christmas Day/Mothers Day/your child's birthday doing things the way you'd like to do them! (Maybe your MIL pandered to her parents/in laws until now, but that's not your problem to fix!)

I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss that your child has two sets of grandparents to take into account, and that as parents you are entitled to make decisions that best suit the needs of your family unit. Splitting every special occasions 3 ways is not a fun way to spend a day, as you discovered last Christmas. Would you like Christmas Day to be on a 2 or 3 year rotation, depending on whether you want some years just at home with the 3 of you? Your sons birthday is a day to spend as a 3 but you will do a family tea party on the nearest Saturday? Or do you not want a set routine and the ability to discuss plans each year more flexibly? Try and reach an agreement together then share with the others your thoughts.

Your MIL might be upset or annoyed. She is allowed to be. That doesnt make her emotional response a problem for you to fix.

As I am sure has already been said, you have a DH problem.

What you are suggesting is perfectly reasonable, alternate Christmas with families, having a birthday tea with each grandmother and also doing what you want with your child on special occasions.

What you need is for your DH to tell his mum that her requests are unreasonable and that compromise is needed or things will become very difficult and she will end up seeing less of you.

Tell her to fuck off. She’s not entitled to your time.

God, this reminds me of the year we got told

‘we’re free on Xmas Eve and Boxing Day, which one works best for you?’

we chose Xmas Eve, felt like a more magical, Christmassy day. To be told in the next breath that Boxing Day would be better for them, as we’d have the left over meats for lunch.

which begs the question - why bloody ask?!

christmas can be such a minefield with extended family!

I hate the word boundaries, always sounds like you are fencing people out. I also often feel sorry for mothers of sons who are sometimes treated as second class citizens.
However in this case she is so unreasonable. She cant have every special day thats beyond selfish. You are going to have to be strong . I think she missed out the learning to share and compromise , section of growing up!

When GC were young they spent the day with parents or other GPs. We always said our Christmas Day is a moveable feast: Any time during December to the middle of January at ours for both DS and DD's + DSS children altogether. Lovely chaos and no pressure for a particular day. They sorted which day between them all and told us when they were coming. I did this because PIL always wanted to control things on special days.