AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Not if you live half a day's drive away from both sets of parents as DH and I did when our two were little.😉 The idea that every single "special day" has to be shared with the wider family across the generations every time, regardless of the wishes of the individuals most closely concerned, is outrageously demanding and unsustainable. Once two people marry and start a family they become a new unit, free to develop their own traditions and celebrate in their own way and sometimes that way won't involve any wider family members.

Mil is bonkers, I wouldn't be dragging my child out once on Christmas day never mind twice. She can learn to take it in turns like lots of families do. It's not like ops DH is an only so she wouldn't be alone.
She needs to learn not to be so selfish, you're going to have to start saying no, if she gets upset that's on her.

For something like Mother’s Day would it be possible (if you wanted to of course) to do a big extended family thing for all the mothers to get together - we have done this and it was lovely
For things like birthdays and Christmas people do have to be reasonable and not try to hog every occasion for themselves- if they can’t get this themselves then they may need a nudge in the right direction

Point out that last year you spent more time with mil. That your own mother is alone and widowed.

While mil won’t be alone even if you didn’t visit and that you’re sure she would understand how it would feel to not see anyone she loved on the day. Play her at her own game.

That if mil wants to pop in to yours she can. She can get a taxi if she doesn’t drive they still run on Christmas.

Id make it a tradition that you stay home Christmas Day but mil and your mum both personally have an invite to them alone no extras to join for dinner. Fairs fair in that respect. Treating them both exactly the same and I’m sure you can fit two bottoms at the table. Or that if she doesn’t wish to for dinner can just pop in.

That on Boxing Day you’ll be out visiting whoever you didn’t see Christmas Day.

Mother’s Day make it your day. Dh can see who he wants. If you again happen to be home mil is more than welcome to pop in and see yourself and child on Mother’s Day.

Birthdays are spent how the birthday person wants them going forward (easier once child is older and wants to do what they want on their birthday). So if you’ve booked the zoo at this age it’s the zoo anyone is welcome to join and make their own transport arrangements otherwise we will see you around child birthday but not on the day as we are busy.

Honestly I would, I’d tell your DH that you’re reflecting on DMILs demands of time and you realised that you’ve been steamrolled in to a situation you’re not happy about. Last year and this year and you’re not going to do it anymore. DMIL has plans for Christmas, she won’t be alone and so this Christmas you want to see your family. You can spend next Christmas with his family

Also a get together on a different day and a little message on the day is fine for most people

I agree that this is a really lovely idea, provided that the grandmothers can both be trusted to get along and not compete for the grandkids’ love. From what the OP has said, that might not be true of her MIL?

Also the cost and logistics? Hosting at the OP’s home presumably means the cooking and cleaning all falls to them as a unit. Even if the OP ‘just’ looks after the children solo that her DH can do the grunt work, that’s not really a rest for her… If the event takes place at a restaurant, presumably then OP and DH bear the whole cost of the do?

This is just madness! Alternate, it’s the only fair way IMO, unless your family all live within 10 minutes drive … even then Christmas dinner = wine and champagne so no driving after then!

She reminds me of my ex mil. For dd1s christening we decided to have it on a bank holiday weekend so people travelling would have the Monday off work and school! She was in a complete huff as she might have made plans that weekend! She didn’t actually have any plans made!

You need to start your own traditions as your DS gets older and put him first- if you don’t do it now then this will become the bane of your life for years to come. It is unreasonable to expect a toddler to be seen whenever she demands, overtired after long days out, overwhelmed from Xmas festivities etc (and that goes for you as parents too!) as you will have a nightmare on your hands! She will have to fit into his routine, naps, your plans etc

you are the head of your family, not her and she doesn’t get to dictate what you do on any given day.

Is this her first grandchild? I expect she is scared she will miss out on key moments and not be included, so maybe you could explain that you will be fair about when you see her/ takes turn for Xmas day etc so you will make sure she gets her turn but she CAN NOT dictate to you. Would she accept FaceTime on the day itself as a compromise?

Your husband needs to set clear boundaries with her, nip this in the bud now. TBH, you were both absolutely batshit to agree to last years Christmas day palaver, what on earth were you thinking!

Yoiur MIL does not sound NICE at all. She sounds like a narcissistic monster. I would be telling (no asking) her to fall in with my plans or she would never see her grandchild again.

Regarding Christmas, it is clearly important to both grand mothers to see you all on the day so if they live close to each other I would alternate where you have Christmas dinner but still spend a couple of hours (not several blocks) with the other granny on the day. Be firm, remind MIL that your mum is alone on that day and I would go as far as to say if she does not agree then boxing day it is (or not at all) 😉. For mother's day again no obligation.... She's not your mum, and you yourself are a mum so get pampered and make sure DH calls her while you call your own mum. DS birthday a little tiny bit trickier as I totally get she wants to celebrate too...for a first birthday honestly I would want to have both grannies along to blow the candles and do the outing on a different day.
Airport pickups....just no if you have other plans.
But do set the boundaries now because soon enough you will have the school holidays to worry about as well!
Good luck!

You need to start an every other year rule at Christmas and stick to it, because it's clear that if you offer them a little bit of the day, she expands it to make more and more, and you spend half the day driving round. The popping in for a couple of hours idea is great if she would be happy with that, but she isn't.

Can't you sell it as you'd like better quality time with her, rather than popping in and out and driving around, so you'd like to spend a whole day with your family, and then the whole of boxing day (or other convenient close day) with her, or vice versa, then the other way round next year. Two Christmas days, wouldn't that be nicer etc... That's what we've done since we were married, and no one has ever complained. We do make sure no one is alone so we coordinate with siblings and see both if one set of parents wouldn't be seeing anyone else on the day, but it doesn't sound like that's likely with yours. I'm very lucky my mum always says ' Christmas isn't just one day' if any difficulty in arrangements comes up. Much nicer to spread out the fun.

Do you struggle with comprehension generally ?

And when does @carkey26 get a Mother’s Day that is for her, not her mum or MIL, @TheOnlyWayIsIlford?

I am a MIL and a grandmother, and I do not expect my son to prioritise me over his wife and his family.

last year we'd agreed it was my family's turn and I'm not sure whether to blame DH or MIL for this but I feel like they worked it so I missed my turn having Christmas with my family.

You should blame yourself, no one in their right mind should have agreed to going to your MIL twice in one day, you seem so focussed on blaming them for ruining things, but you need to acknowledge that you have set this precedent and gone along with it with no argument.

If it is your families turn then go there, but aim to see your MIL for 1-2 hours, then vice versa, no argument, no negotiation.. offer a couple of time slots, if they don't like what you are offering then they get nothing, simple.

On DS birthday go to the zoo just yourselves then host a little tea party for both mums in the evening, It's not your problem that they don't drive, so not sure why you have made it your problem to solve.

You're a mother now, you need to start acting like it.

Your MiL may be lovely, but she's being unreasonable here. Is your DS her only grandchild? Does she do this insistence with all her DC and their partners?

My suggestion is that you move abroad. Then either she can come visit you for special days or you visit her once a year for a few days to celebrate one of the "special days".

That Christmas Day set up is almost funny it's that ridiculous. I would worry about the mental health of a person that was suggesting it.

She clearly has no interest in your, your DH's or DS's enjoyment of the day and excepts it all to revolve around her. She's not lovely at all.

If I were you, I would tell DH what you will agree to. E.g. your mum's for the day, then inlaws in the evening (or vise versa). Then leave DH to run around like a blue arse fly, backwards and forwards if that's what he wants to do.

I wouldn't entertain the birthday visit at all. Say no, stick to it.

She is not the boss of you.

For Xmas day, we said we'll be in at this time (eg until 12) and home from 4. You're welcome to visit any time (FWIW they never came to us)
For birthdays we did what you're planning - a child friendly day out and hosted an afternoon the weekend before/after, whichever was closest.
Mothers day, isn't something we massively celebrate, so we would visit over that weekend at some point.
You need to put your foot down now, because as your baby grows up, or siblings come along, things change and grandparents can't always be accommodated. And also, they need to know they're not in charge of your schedule!

If it were me, I'd want to take it in turns, one year just us at home, next year my family, next year their family (or the other way round), then back to just us. But however YOU want to do it, you really need to get buy-in from your DH.

You may think it's just him being kind and lovely, but I think it's him being a wet blanket who's used to being bullied into submission by his mother.

I earlier suggested alternating Xmas each year as fair but I had not appreciated your DM would be alone whereas MiL would have other family members. Under those circumstances personally I would not leave my DM on her own for Xmas dinner. Unless DHs family generously included DM (which I would not expect) on DH family years, DH and DS could go to his family every other year but I would stay with my DM. Or alternatively invite both mothers to mine every year (but not wider family) which MiL will obviously decline - fair enough.

You and DH need to agree your boundaries and stick to them. It’s not unreasonable to see one side on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day and the other on Christmas Day then alternate. If she wants to sulk then let her. I think my only
exception would be to not leave anyone on their own but even then it’s not fair for one side to always miss out.

DH needs to be firm about this though.

Our two children live half a day's drive from us in Mid-Wales, one in North Yorkshire and the other in London. I haven't seen either of them on Mothering Sunday since they married well over twenty years ago, but they always send a card and ring for a chat and I've never for a minute doubted their love for me.

That much travel on Christmas is insane, op, you'll have to work out how to say no between now and then anyway because that's just not going to work.
Might as well start with the zoo day. It has to happen some time.
What's your DH s view? Is he willing to try to tackle the "must be on the day" thing?
She may feel it's reasonable to want that.
But if course there are many things we want in life that just don't work for other people, so we can't have them.