AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

I think you need to be firm and start with birthday. That people can visit between 11-3 (whatever time you want to make it) as have many people wanting to see him.

then Christmas you went to start making your own family traditions and once the kids come along it’s all about them. Again the ha re welcome to visit but the child will want to stay in and play with their toys from Santa.

Say to your dh you want to come up with a plan for Xmas, mothers days, birthdays. Agree together then let them no the plan. We do -
Xmas eve - pils house
xmas day - my family
Boxing Day - pil house

Birthdays we spend just us but usually see family weekend before or after.

mothers / father day we do just us. Usually pop in to see parents a day or 2 before

People are entitled to have Christmas Eve or boxing day at home. So one inlaw one Christmas, the other the next year (only because the OP likes that), then the rest possibly at home. OP once your child is bigger there'll be events/indoor fairs/panto etc that you'll want to see. Start at the birthday as you mean to go on. No-one is entitled to your time. Last Christmas was absolutely nuts.

BUT one of the reasons I fell in love with DH was because of how caring he was about others and how close he was to his family. I know this reluctance to upset his mum comes from that place, and I do appreciate that.

was because of how caring he was about others

But not you apparently.

I know this reluctance to upset his mum comes from that place,

But he's happy for you to be upset.

was because of how caring he was about others

He doesn't seem to care about your mum either.

how close he was to his family

It sounds like enmeshed would be a better word than close.

Stand up for yourself and your mum. Tell him things are not going to be dictated by his mother. That she's not going to get every Christmas Day, Easter Day, Mothers' Day and birthday. And if he doesn't like it, suggest he goes back to live with her if her wants are so much more important than yours.

I’d be having a very serious discussion witn your dh about this. No going to mils on ds birthday, and say you’re seriously considering insisting going to your mums too this Christmas, if your mum is fine doing this to me on my Christmas I am fine doing it to her. I will no longer miss out or be stressed and unhappy on special occasions because your mum is very selfish and we pander to it. You need to think. I and ds won’t be going to your mums at all next Christmas Day- my mums turn is my mums turn and that is fixed. You are letting me and dd down more than you are supporting your mum.

of course YADNBU!

The only thing that I can suggest is that you pick a quiet time to discuss this with your DH. Write down the days on a piece of paper with morning, afternoon and evening. Seeing it written down will demonstrate the reality in a way that talking just won’t make explicit.

I think a good compromise that my BIL and SIL do is a video call on the occasion day. Doesn't take ages and obv no travel to consider.

But yes, she can't claim all occasions, it's not fair on you with dragging the kids around, or on your side. I'd try and come up with a plan where you alternate occasions eg one year Christmas with your side and Easter (or other) with MIL, that year see MIL Christmas eve or boxing day. Mother's day this year you could send DH with the baby for a couple hours while you have a lie in or something.

Oh that is not fair at all! So your family didn't get a turn basically? Like a pp suggested, map out the day for him - if you only ended up spending a few hours with your family this year, MIL can't claim the whole day each year either side.

You need space to create special memories and traditions as your own family unit for these occasions - you can't be catering to your MiL the whole time, otherwise the occasions become about her and not your own family unit!

He should also care about you not upsetting your family.

When DH and I got married we told both sets of families that we would alternate Christmas with each set, and it was not negotiable. As my family and DH's family lived over 300 miles apart there was no kickback.

You need to be firm about your plans, and his mum will have to suck it up..

Christmas here would be lunch until evening with one family then back home.
You see the other family in the morning before you go for lunch .

Our lunch is usually 2-3pm so we have AM at home. Go to one family about 11.30-1.30. then go to other family for 2.

Depending on age of DC we would head home from 6 onwards for last hour before bed at home.

IMO it's kind to fit everyone in. The DC appreciate it as they get older and it's what I would want if I get GC.

Your difficulty is your MIL doesn't drive so you have to go there. I would not be doing her house plus her other DC house. See her at dinner only.

On birthday I would do the day at the zoo and home for 4.30 for birthday cake. Everyone invited. MIL can ask one of her other DC to bring her.

Mother's Day is just a juggling of visits to both mums for 90 mins around doing your thing.

It can work if you have a supportive DH and you all compromise to make it work.

As both mil are widowed how about getting them together just the two of them - treat them yo some day/ activity that creates a bond and then its harder to be mean and selfish to each other introduces them to volunteering- get them driving

let them decide between. The two of them who gets what days. Maybe ?

The dc don’t appreciate it! The dc hate being pulled from one Christmas do to the next. I don’t take my dc to two Christmas things on Christmas Day, we alternate. Dh used to want to have his parents drop in or we drop in to theirs on my parents year but fuck no. We do the other family for a proper full Christmas lunch in the week before.

Seeing both families on Christmas Day will very soon be a day you do not look forward to - far too much trundling around with a toddler and potentially another baby. Christmas can be lovely but making it a tour of the shire wrecks it.
One family on Christmas Day, one on Boxing Day. You can either alternate, or keep both days set. You are all adults and, really, Baby Jesus won't mind.
The Christmas holiday is also a chance for you all to have a rest in the middle of winter. Rebuild your strength for January and February. Dashing around unnecessarily won't do that and you'll all be more susceptible to horrid colds etc.

Apologies I voted you are being unreasonable by accident cos I haven’t had enough coffee. You are not being unreasonable op, sort this now whilst DS is young, if it needs and argument, then so be it.

I'm astonished that you didn't point out to your MIL that this was your mum's first Christmas alone and that she only had you, while MIL had a cast of thousands to enjoy Christmas Day with.

I'm also widowed and my two DDs really worked hard to make that first Christmas special in its own way, and I loved them so much for that.

Since then I've had the occasional Christmas Day alone for various reasons, and yes, it sucks a bit, but we do it all on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead.

Your day with one and evening visit with the other, alternately, makes sense to me. But for goodness sake make this Christmas your mum's, and explain to your MIL exactly why.

You’ve been such a good DIL to put up with that even that long! I couldn’t!

I do empathise. We get a guilt trip every year because we don’t spend the entire Xmas day or have Xmas dinner with MIL. But we do drive to them Christmas morning every year without fail, after seeing his dad, then going to my folks for the rest of the day.

Never any effort to drive to see us. Ever. Even on my husband’s birthday she’s like ‘when will we see you’ - babe you have 2 cars! Yet she will visit his sister all the time. This year I’m not even playing. My husband is going round on Christmas Eve and that’s it, f the waterworks. I’ve already decided I’m going to be busy!

Just to stress, my mum wasn’t alone at any point. I don’t have siblings but there were lots of other family.

But I genuinely think in MIL’s mind she was really considerate by agreeing for us to spend DS’ first Christmas with my mum. I don’t think she realises through her requests for us to go round in the morning (which then took far too long) and then back again in the evening And because of the 2+ hours in the car that she ended up having more time with us.

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

Set your boundaries this year now... I still think you have a husband problem, he took your kindness for a weakness, why does his family trump yours?

I think you need to be firm, and being firm is being kind (to both yourselves and your children).

It doesn’t work for you as a young family to do so much travelling. You need to put yourselves and your kids first - it’s not fun for anyone, especially for young ones who just want to play with their toys and chill on Christmas morning anyway. I would say you are only doing Christmas Eve (or day of choice) and you’ll FaceTime Christmas. This will be your life forever otherwise.

DH, if we had spent much longer with my Mum than yours on Christmas Day last year, arriving at yours far later than originally intended, and then rushed off almost before we had digested the dinner she had cooked for us, would you be saying she had had her 'turn'?
I don't know how your Mum reacted to this but as you haven't said I imagine she took it with good grace and didn't want to add to your stress, however from her perspective she would have grounds to be upset in my opinion. I think MIL is a selfish baggage and DH's kind nature needs to expand beyond just his own Mum.

So do you understand yet that you need to be firmer with your DH? You say he feels bad for your MIL, are you sure it's not just that your feelings don't matter as much to him?

I think I would remind you'd DH how the last Christmas was and how you felt and how unrealistic and ridiculous the arrangement was and say what you want. You need to be clear that in the end he decided to have his own family and that comes with consequences.

Show your DH this thread!