AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Your MIL is far too demanding, selfish, and inflexible. You have a child and you are entitled to have your own holidays, birthdays, and celebrations. Even before that, you are married. And you also have a family, not just DH.

A relationship is a two-way street, and she only seems to want everything on her terms.

I could go on forever because my mother was the same way. All I will say is this: The more you give in, the worse it will get. My mother hijacked my daughter's childhood, having to make every holiday, special event, eventually school events, everything about HER. On her terms.

This is NOT sustainable.

She is an adult. Let her be disappointed. Your DH shouldn't be endlessly sacrificing to keep her from being disappointed. He isn't doing that for you!

Do you always see your family (as in parents) on Christmas Day? If so, I’m struggling to see what the difference is. I think you should alternate at least, or, if it suits your DH and kids better, see neither on the day itself, that way you can’t be accused of playing favourites. Same with other days I guess. If the other grandparents always get to see the grandkids on the day of birthdays etc… then I could see how that would look unfair.
Again, you don’t HAVE to see either of them whenever they demand to. Just don’t be seen as choosing them all the time.

No, it's quite normal to want to see the family those days, just arrange one person to host and invite everyone. On mother's days, grandparents are really only getting their mother's day for the first time, as when they were younger, they'd have had to put their mum and MIL first on those days. Your husband is right-I would always accommodate the family on those days, unless there was an emergency, like someone in hospital.

She sounds a nightmare! What difference does it make which day it is?! She needs some perspective on life and just enjoy the time with the family (the day is purely a date on the calendar).

We do alternative Christmas stays with the grandparents (so xmas eve to boxing day alternating years). Never had any issue with that and we see the grandparents we’re not spending Xmas with either the weekend before Xmas or around New Year.

Neither set of parents would ask anything of us in the week - the week is work, school and keeping on top of life! We see them to celebrate birthdays/special occasions when its a good weekend for all. That might be 2 weeks before a special occasion or 2 weeks after for example.

Does she have a life outside of spending time with you? Hobbies, interests, friends, volunteering etc? I realise how lucky we are with our parents as they never demand anything of us.

The last thing I want is a wedge between anyone.

DP often spends time with his mum with DS and without me. Maybe half the time is with me, half without.

But we're talking about special occasions here. So you're suggesting I don't see my DS (and any other children I might have) on Christmas, their Birthday and Mothers Day!?

It's normal to want to see family on those days. But often it's not possible. And it's certainly not common to have to go to visit the same relative twice in one day on Christmas Day.

We cannot host everyone on Christmas Day. We don't have a dining room or anything like that. And MIL would never agree to come without all of DH's siblings so we'd be back to square one.

How are grandparents getting their Mother’s Day for the first time? Thats an odd thing to say!

Ive had presents, cards and a meal since I gave birth and always felt appreciated on Mother’s Day (even when we had small kids). My DH has always made an effort for me. We also also buy for our Mums despite them always telling us not to every year.

The MIL has had a lifetime of Mother’s Days and she’s old enough to realise its purely a day. How you parent 365 days of the year is what actually matters and she sounds a demanding nightmare/loopy.

Exactly!

Plus becoming grandparents is not a guarantee.
My children may not choose to have kids or I may not be around for that long.
Both DH's father and mine died young before they could become grandfathers. Imagine if they had never got to have their own Father's Day celebrations because they were waiting on that.

No way am I giving up my mother's day with my children on that assumption!

I don't think you need to or should think of this in terms of 'putting boundaries in place' - more just you getting in the habit of being able to say, where appropriate, 'ah no, sorry, we won't be able to do that on that day - see you the day after?' And she might well be a bit put out initially but gradually the idea that sometimes your family won't be available for those days in the way that is optimal for her isn't going to be workable.

With your example of her 'insisting' you go there on Christmas day, then, another time could you try just saying 'no, because we're off to my parents that day, but do you want to do something Boxing Day?' and then just don't let yourself be insisted to!

What you are saying is wrong and part of the problem. A new mother should not have to accommodate her MIL on those days. This is a new mother celebrating firsts with her own child and husband.
I had the same when my now toddler was born assuming all days would be shared.
I come from a very close family and not once did my mum have to share Mother's Day with her MIL. I saw my grandparents around my birthday and Christmas but never set in stone the whole day would be dedicated to seeing grandparents, especially when I was little.

This mother in law is obviously trying to set a tradition that she is involved in every special
day and it's totally unfair on the child's actual parents.

She is unreasonable.

I don’t want to out myself too much but I wrote a post which I thought was of a similar nature. I put too much emphasis on the gifting part unfortunately and got ripped a new hole. It’s interesting to me reading the responses on here though. Even when I pushed back and said that it was more that I didn’t want to have to spend my child’s birthday having people visit and actually wanted them to be able to have fun without having to entertain visitors the commenters overwhelmingly even said that was unreasonable with comments such as ‘never heard of a party?’ ‘It was my favourite part of my birthday when my Nan visited.’ So I wouldn’t pay too much uh notice of what other people think to be honest because I think they’re easily swayed.

FWIW I agree with you. If your MIL wants to see your child then she can come the day before or the day after now and again. I think it’s rude to expect to see them on every birthday and Christmas and hold back gifts etc. I make sure my family have things in advance and then I ask if there’s a convenient time to visit.

My mum was like this, insisting that she sees “her grandchildren” on every important date. But I set some very clear boundaries at the start that sometimes we will have plans, sometimes we will be with my in-laws who only get to see them every few months. It’s not fun but it is easier to establish them early.

@seahorsessky that’s the same sort of bullshit that women pulled to control their daughters weddings and such because their mothers planned theirs. It belongs in history.

Just because you let your self be pushed over by the older generation doesn’t mean the next one down owes you theirs.

Stand up for yourself or be a walk over but you don’t get to demand the next generation owes you because you let yourself be a door mat.

Mother’s Day should be all about you, she can have grandparents day.

He's not caring if he's happy to upset you and completely disrupt your family life just to accommodate a woman who will never be reasonable or considerate of anyone else. And your MIL is one of those women.

Put your foot down. Tell him to sort it or marriage counselling will be required to save your marriage. You are to spend the rest of your life catering to an overgrown toddler who will only accept her own way, even though it affects you and your family time and obligations and wants and needs.

Is she on her own OP? She may be feeling lonely. I get where you're coming from. We live close to the in-laws so we see them every birthday, Christmas day, mother's day etc too but my MIL & FIL don't insist upon it and always very casual (& they live close by). Secretly sometimes I would like it to be just us for my kids birthday etc but my husband and my kids want their grandparents there for pizza and cake etc (& they are genuinely lovely people) so that's the way it has to be. I think it's nice to include her but it needs to be more on your terms and not hers.

Totally agree with this. And why on earth is the day before or day after not ok anyway? It's just a day. People can easily celebrate Christmas on Boxing Day or even a week before or after.

Sounds like you need to move away OP so you get some peace.

We've never bothered with Grandparent's Day in our house. Made up nonsense.

She had Mother's Day when she was younger, I assume. Once you become a grandmother you accept that priorities have changed. Or, at the very least, you celebrate on a different day if that suits your son/daughter

I agree.

Of course the current situation is unsustainable and needs to change but to cast DH as a pile of snivelling mush with his mum's boot on his neck is absurd.

Like OP, he's also navigating the fairly new territory of parenthood and how to ring fence time and energy for his own family that was once assumed to belong to his now-extended family.

OP, for sure YANBU. Is it fair to assume that your DH knows how saddened you were that your very first Mother's Day was basically given away? And could you tell MIL the same thing? Unless she's wildly self-obsessed, she may just need to hear that kind of info to realise what she's doing.

Going back and forth on Christmas Day quickly becomes unsustainable once your child(ren) gets old enough to understand the day. It's not fair on them to drag them all over, they want to play with their toys. And as a family, you will want to create your own traditions for the day. If your MIL has multiple adult children then she needs to accept she can't see them all on the day.

We solved this very similar issue (right down to the widowed mil) by setting an absolute rock solid boundary that we were not leaving the house on Christmas Day (except for a walk!). We were giving our children Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home. We were willing to host and it was a bit tricky as we also had no dining room and a small house. I would always crack open the fizz early on and someone would always end up sitting on a garden chair we'd brought indoors or something! It was the only way to avoid tears and guilt and all the rest of it, and it really worked. If you set a clear non-negotiable and stick to it then your life gets a lot easier.

I would not be able to stop myself from pointing out what a terrible day your MIL expects your child to put up with this year at Christmas - it's really shocking that she'd think that was a suitable Christmas day for a toddler! My mil would at least always accept that we all had the children's best interests at heart and yhat them having a good day was the priority.

I wouldn't trade our Christmas memories as a family for anything. And mil got to be a part of it - she got used to it and would really enjoy doing something special on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day on the years she didn't come to ours. She got to make her own special and new traditions with her grandchildren that were a lot more valuable than dragging an overtired, crying toddler to a big family lunch when all they want is to be zooming their cars up and down. So I would say, make a rule and stick to it without apologising or backing down. Everyone can get used to it then and life will go a lot more smoothly.

I am also an only child whereas MIL is surrounded by all DH's siblings, some of whom are grown up but still live at home.

So your MIL would never be alone at Christmas or any other special day, unlike your widowed mother with only one child? In that case she is being incredibly selfish in her demands to see you and your little family on the day itself every time and you really must work to establish some firm boundaries now for the sake of your own little family.

If I'm honest, threads like this make me glad DH and I lived a long way from both sets of parents when our children were small and work pressures for all six adults meant that none of us could just drop in on any single "special day". Christmas and New Year were different and we made a point of taking the children to stay with their grandparents over the festive season every other year, with the alternate year just being the four of us at home at our children's own request, because they wanted to have the chance to develop their own Christmas traditions in their own home. Otherwise there were proper family visits at Easter and over the summer and occasional holidays for the children with their grandparents without Mummy and Daddy there. The same is true now DH and I are the grandparents and live 150+ miles from both our children and their families in different directions.

You claim your MIL is otherwise a lovely woman - have you tried pointing out that if you always see her on these occassions, it makes life very difficult for you and/or that there's no way to see her at the level she wants and ALSO see everyone else?

Assuming you have and she's not, in fact, as lovely as you think she is... this is where you have to clear in your own head with what you think is valid and then not let anyone sway you. eg airport, "MIL, of course we're not sending baby DS on an hours car journey to pick you up at the airport. That's not fun for him or for the driver! And he'll be cranky, or sleeping, when he gets to you. We'll see you tomorrow/next week."

As for Christmas - work out what you think is fair and then do that.

I am not convinced these are really boundaries but if they are, remember the key thing about boundaries - you can't force other people to do what you want. A boundary just means that you will do x or y when it is breeched, and accept the consequences/unhappiness as a rseult. People thinking that "enforcing boundaries" means you can make other people change their behaviour are simply going to be unhappy.

Fuck that! If you’re happy slitting the day offer one time slot you are happy with and take it or leave it

Thanks all for your kind replies.

Thinking about Christmas coming up (and knowing I need to set some very firm boundaries this time!) has got me reflecting on last year though, and I've made some realisations that have made me quite annoyed.

I thought back, and also looked at the timestamps on our photos and messages about setting off, and realised in total we actually spent about 1.5 hours longer with MIL and DH family than with my own family on Christmas day. I realise that sounds like nothing and so petty but its annoyed me because I'd spent all day the previous year with DH's family, and last year we'd agreed it was my family's turn and I'm not sure whether to blame DH or MIL for this but I feel like they worked it so I missed my turn having Christmas with my family. And now DH and MIL are obviously like "Well it's our family's turn again this year"

I'm almost tempted to be like "no, actually you've had two years in a row now". Just annoyed at this pushiness. I know I'm partly to blame for not being firmer before.