AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

OP, these updates are horrific. With a seven week old baby there is absolutely no way in the world you should have been going back and forth! That's genuinely appalling from your DH and your MIL.

I understand as someone with people pleasing tendencies, but if you won't stand up for yourself then it's easier to be assertive on behalf of your child. A newborn baby should not have been in the car for two hours getting passed around random aunts. A toddler should not be driven from pillar to post on Christmas Day to appease his grandmother. You have the right to make your own family Christmas traditions and now is the time to start - with an absolute refusal to travel between different houses on the day. That is not the kind of Christmas you want your child to have.

Well that's a husband problem.

Sit down with your DH and go through everything you’ve said in your posts here.
He sounds like a lovely man and will understand how you feel.
Then, TOGETHER, work out where your boundaries should be with the whole extended family for the years to come. For example, that you will alternate (properly!), and that some of the special days will NOT be spent with MIL, but she’ll have plenty of notice to get her head around it.

Write it all down. Then there’ll be no confusion or misunderstanding about what you’ve agreed. Then give DH the job of communicating your plan to his mother.

Good luck. xx

The more you post and update us, the more appalled I am about the sheer control your MIL has over your lives, and over her son. You seem to be waking up to this and really do need a very firm setting of boundaries this year. Be really clear about your wants and needs and leave the moment the passive aggressive comments start.
You need a really clear way to say ‘ the conversation about the birthday, Mother’s Day, Easter is over. Any more comments and I will get up and go home.’
She is horrendous thinking she can claim all your time and plan all your days

With a 7 week old baby your husband so zero care love or respect to you his healing wife or new born baby.

He was a shit husband bowing down to his mum. I hope he has more a back bone this year and if he doesn’t I hope you do.

Your husband sounds as awful as his mother.
I feel very sorry for your mother.
Only one child and she's being bullied by her husband and MIL.
I also feel very sorry for the child in the midst of this.
It's all about your husband and mother.
You and your child are just to be dominated and bullied.
This may be what you think a normal marriage looks like, but it really isn't.

You should consider counselling on your own to help you with self esteem and boundaries.

You have not married a good man from a nice family.

You were a new mother with a small baby, and he still insisted his mother's needs were his priority.

Such men are weak and selfish.
They put their wives and children last.

I strongly suggest counselling for you and that you think long and hard before you inflict this selfish man child on another child.

You deserve so much better, and so does your child.

I have no doubt your poor mum must be privately so concerned to see you so dominated by him and his family, I know I would be if you were my daughter.

How you haven't the Ick for your husband is amazing.

Very overly dramatic.

And you couldn’t be more wrong.

Have a nice day.

That’s the issue.
She thinks she is being very kind when she isn’t . And no one is pulling her on it.

@carkey26 you haven’t said.
Is your MIL insisting on that rule - going to see on THE DAY of any special occasion - to all siblings or just with your dh?

Because I can’t help fereling that your dh siblings partners might not be happy about it either. And I’d be surprised if all of them are there for every Christmas, every Mother’s Day etc….

And if they are not, then what stops you and your dh from doing the same?

I know you said that what you really like about your dh is how kind and caring he is. Abd Thars a great quality. But sometimes, people take advantage of it because kind people are also the people who won’t say No because it feels unkind iyswim.
Maybe it’s time to remind him that with his behaviour, he is being unkind towards you, your dc together and your family.

Maybe it’s time to remind him that with his behaviour, he is being unkind towards you, your dc together and your family

This. Why is his mum more important than you and your child(ren).

I hope your dh sees where you are coming from and how batshit this is. I think you should put it to him that you had a 7week old baby and it was your mums year and literally spent more time at his mums than your mums, so you think it would be fair to do your mums again this year properly. Make that your fallback argument if he doesn’t get it- that his mums is cancelled this year and every year she gets more time on your mums year, because you will not abandon your mum or let her just get less with the reason being his mum is batshit selfish crazy and he bullies you.

Totally agree with this. Your “D”H is as awful as his mum.

I'm not going to slag off your DH, but again, surely it should have been obvious to him that your newly widowed mum (and his seven week old baby) should have been prioritised?

You have a husband problem whether you want to see that or not.

She's got a point though, hasn't she?

I'd tell everyone you will be in your home for Xmas going forward and everyone is invited to come if they wish. That's what we do. Also there are other days around the holiday other than the 24th and 25th.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s.

Okay, you really do have a DH problem, he is completely disrespecting your wishes about how YOU want to spend the time, and to be honest he was very disrespectful to your mum to want to eat and run, I would have been angry at the suggestion and I would have already cancelled going back to his mums seeing as you were kept there too long in the morning against what you had agreed.

It is always a tricky time to navigate, but neither your DH or his mum is showing any respect for what you want, so unfortunately you are going to have no choice but to dig your heels in, it's been proven that if you give an inch they will take a mile and STILL complain, so unfortunately you can't really on your DH to be objective either.

What happened last year can be a blessing though because you can use it as a reason not to be railroaded into ANYTHING this year. All you have to say is "no, I went along with your plans last year and it was a shambles, we're not doing it this year" then refuse to agree to anything unless it suits you as a family of three.

You need to start putting your foot down more to be honest, the priority is you, your DH and your DS spending time together, anyone else is just an optional extra.

In your situation, as both Mums have other people with them, Stay at Home on every Christmas Day from now on. Your DC(s) will, in future, want to play with their new toys at home. If other people want to see you they can come to yours for a couple of hours, before or after lunch and you and DH choose. A compromise under these conditions would be visiting one DM Christmas Eve and the other Boxing Day. Other special occasions/days the same, especially DC's birthday.

No 😂 her post is honestly embarrassing.

We’re talking about a disagreement over how to manage our own wants and our families’ wants at Christmas and other occasions. So yes as much as I want a better solution going forwards the idea that I need counselling or a new husband or he’s not a good father couldn’t be more wrong.

Were two relatively young people who are working out how to do things with a new young family, and navigating both our mothers being widowed early. It’s challenging. I don’t always get it right and my husband doesn’t always get it right. The main mistakes my husband made last Christmas were time management, not appreciating the routine of the baby (we were only 7 weeks in!), and wanting to make sure his mum wasn’t upset. He also doesn’t mind traveling about in the car as much as me. It’s hardly cause for divorce and It doesn’t make anyone involved in this a bad person.

Totally understand how what happened last year happened. You had a newborn but you're right that now you need to set boundaries.

If you are happy to see both in the day then majority at your Mums (as she missed out last year) and evening with MIL. No budging.

If you'd prefer to spend a whole day with Mum or just with DH and baby. Let her know thats the plan and offer her one of the other day over Christmas and New Year.

Have DH siblings got partners? What Happens with seeing their families? Do they have kids?

With Mothers Day either you spend it with DS and see your Mum and DH sees his Mum or you could all go together for a meal or coffee and cake.

I drop a card and flowers off for my Mum on the Saturday and DH drops a card/flowers off during the week when he can get over due to work and we spend Mothers Day just us. Same for Father's Day but I know this isn't a popular set up on mums etc.

As for birthdays, you make a plan invite or not. That's your decision. Most people I know see family around the birthday date rather then religiously on the day.

Good Luck.

But not wanting to upset his mum cannot be at your expense. And he needs to not put you in a position to go along with things because you want to avoid "fallout". Christmas is not that long ago so he needs a quick change of attitude before the next one.

Great, so this year, your DH understands why it can't happy again, yes?

Very common problem. Tell her you can't be split in 3 ways; as much as you'd like to spend time with her you can't always accommodate her wishes. When she suggests doing X in front of your DH and you, remark immediately "that you will both need to discuss it first to ensure no other plans have to be dropped". She'll soon understand that you and your DH now operate as a unit, one or other is not for turning. She's being unreasonable but could come around once boundaries are set.

You cant please everyone, so just dig your heels in and please yourself.

What happens when your child is old enough to go to school, and have after-school activities, and not be available on the precise dates she demands?
Best to get her used to the concept now, rather than still be dealing with this kind of stress for the next 20 years.

Also that as he gets older, he'll be celebrating his own mother (ie you) on Mothers Day. It is not Grandmothers Day.

It's your DH who should be making the effort to see your MIL on that date, as you have your own mother to visit/ take flowers to/ treat to lunch/ whatever you choose to do to mark it.

Similarly, it's time to start your own little family's traditions and ways to celebrate things like Xmas. Maybe your MIL could be invited to drop by for a couple of hours on the day itself, or Xmas eve, or Boxing Day. It WBU for her to expect you to always drive to hers.