AIBU to think my husband is too harsh about five-year-olds cartwheel?

[Fawncard]

Me and DH are married 7 years.
We have a 5 year old DD, DD and DH constantly clash. He thinks it's funny winding her up but she often gets upset about it and he sometimes wont stop until she is in tears. Like let me be clear its mostly just childish stuff like taking the cup he knows she likes things like that he will always give it back to her but he seems to enjoy seeing her get annoyed which is starting to become a red flag for me.
Anyway over the last 2 days DD has being trying to do a cartwheel.... she thinks she can do a cartwheel (she cannot do a cartwheel and does not want advice on how to do a cartwheel she wants to do it "herself") she has been practicing and practicing. When she asks me to watch her I will find something positive, "well done you are working really hard at that" "woah that one was much higher" etc etc. But DH just keeps going "that's not a cartwheel" and keeps giving her unwanted advice and putting on videos of kids doing actual cartwheels which is annoying and upsetting DD and today she again ended upnin tears and DH just seems so unapologetic about it.
He says he doesn't want her to be "delusional" but at her age I wanted to be a bloody unicorn 5 year olds are allowed to be delusional.
He thinks I'm being too soft I think he's being an arsehole. AIBU?

Your husband is a dick and each time he treats her like that you should sit him down and make him watch some YouTube videos on how to be a parent!!!

Yes. The description of the cup incident made me very uncomfortable. He's a nasty bully. What sort of father enjoys making their child cry

It’s quite bullying. Can you take a video of him next time to show him - sometimes it helps to see yourself from another perspective.

My father did exactly the same to me and it continued right up to his death when I was 30 - because his behaviour was consistent and considered ‘low level’, it just became normalised and no one batted an eyelid. While it didn’t define my life, it definitely left its mark, particularly as he wasn’t like that with my elder sister, so I always felt that I was responsible in some way, shape or form. I’m now in my mid-50s with teenage children and during a recent afternoon at my mum’s, the subject of dad’s behaviour came up, with my mum still insisting that if I hadn’t responded to it as a child, my dad would have eventually stopped. I thought we were having the conversation in private as it’s not something I’ve discussed with my kids; however, my son overheard and casually interjected “it sounds like your dad was a bully, mum” and it was like a lightbulb going off in my head - I’d just never thought of it that way but my son was absolutely right.

I don’t have any answers as to how you can address the situation with your partner, but you sound like a wonderful, supportive mum. I can’t tell you how much I would have appreciated having a parent like you in my corner, because even if the behaviour hadn’t stopped, I would have at least realised that it wasn’t my fault and would have felt supported and loved.

I really regret not being super clear with my ex-husband about the impact his parenting had on both me and the kids. Now they are adults they barely see him. Because of his lack of considered parenting. That is just what happens. Be blunt. Tell him it’s making you dislike him and making your daughter dislike him more. He’s ruining his relationship with her, just like his dad did with him.

I am also ND but I know that if I reduce a five year old child TO TEARS then something is really fucking wrong.
My dad was like this - don't think he complimented me until I was well over 30. All my life I have gravitated towards the emotionally abusive- friends, partners- and tried to 'prove' I am worthy of love.
And if anyone else see this behaviour, they are not thinking 'Wow what a great father'. They are seeing an inadequate bully
As Dorothy Rowe said- If you have one bad parent and another parent who doesn't protect you, you actually have two bad parents

There is much yelling about how a child neeeeds a dad and there are ones like this who have no place being a dad and she would be better off without him.

He's a cruel bully who takes pleasure in deliberately belittling and humiliating his own 5 year old daughter. That is not the actions of a loving father. Please don't make pathetic excuses for him, his behaviour is not "childish", it's abusive.
Your daughter is going to grow up thinking it's acceptable for men to criticise and demean her, especially if her mother is not proactive in forcefully advocating for her.
He needs to stop, or he needs to leave.

If he refuses to see the pattern of history repeating every time he does it I would respond saying 'nobody asked for your advice (insert his fathers name). He may start to get it when he hears himself being called his fathers name.

I can't believe that this is the only time he has been bullying your DD when doing cartwheels.

Is he supportive to you or does he bully you as well. Have a think about your whole relationship and what kind of person he is.

Is the atmosphere at home nicer when he isn't around?

He's a bully and I'd be telling him to grow up and get some therapy over his childhood

Your husband is a twat and is risking setting his daughter up for having self-esteem issues, and never feeling good enough. Of course you heap praise on your kids, how do you build their self-esteem if you don't praise them? She's learning to do something new, of course you positively reinforce her, you don't even need to be a parent to do that, I was around my sister's yesterday evening and her 4 year old played me a tune on his guitar, did I applaud and go "woah, you are so good" of course I did, he's 4 and was thrilled with his tune!!

The cup thing etc is just plain old mean/bullying and odd behaviour from an adult, if I know my kids love the blue cup, I use another cup, why would I go out my way to upset them. It's odd behaviour from your husband, really not normal, taking enjoyment from upsetting your child, there's some weird psychological stuff mixed in there.

Being a spiteful bully is bad enough, but doing it to his young child is utterly vile.

What the fuck is wrong with you that you’re subjecting your poor daughter to this?!

Sort your head out. Incompetent parenting such as this - where you just watch whilst he winds her up to the point of tears - makes my blood boil.

Actually it’s not just incompetent parenting - you’re just as complicit in this abuse as he is.

Oh I bet it will.

You have no backbone. As proved by letting it go on this long and by stating he’s a good dad!

Neither of you are good parents.

He knows. And he enjoys it

Sorry, what you have described is a pattern of emotional distress and psychological control being directed at a little kid. At 5 years old a child’s brain is developing rapidly and they rely entirely on their caregivers to feel safe, build self esteem and many many other things that they will carry into adulthood. Your priority is the emotional safety of your DD. When you speak to DH about this and he defends his actions because she is “delusional” that shows a lack of empathy and respect, it also shows that he thinks he’s entitled to treat DD like that. How do you feel when you see this happening? Doesn’t it make you sick to your stomach? If he doesn’t acknowledge this is wrong and stop
this behaviour then it’s abuse. Start keeping a record of these incidents. Speak to your GP and raise your concerns at school. Personally I would leave now before it gets worse.

A woman’s self worth is literally taught to her by her father. He is her first bully, masked as ‘fun’ but who’s having fun there? Just him? That’s bullying. And you’re allowing it. I think you need to tell him very firmly you won’t stand for it anymore and follow through. Stick up for her and let her see and hear what a big girl voice is!

It pleases him to wind a 5 year old up to the point of tears and you are starting to think this is a red flag?

And you actually give this bully houseroom. You feed him. You get into bed with him.

I don't know how you can look at him.

If Someone needs a therapist to teach them not to be cruel to children that person should not be around little kids.

Constantly winding a child up to the point of tears is bullying. He is her Dad, I would not stand for this if it was my DH. I would tell him he’s a bully and he’d be out the door. I couldn’t live with the constant battling. How can they “clash”, she’s 5 fgs. She’s tiny still and he tears her down and pulls her confidence apart for fun, that’s sadistic. She will want nothing to do with him when he’s older. You need to stand up for her. I thank my lucky stars when I read posts like these, that my children’s Dad is the most loving, kind father to them and he hates to see our kids in tears, he’d never cause them to cry on purpose like your H is. It’s cruel and you as her Mum should be telling him to either sort his shit bullying ways out or get out the door.

Your husband is a bully. Step up for your daughter.

Nothing more unattractive and ick-inducing than a man (and I use that term loosely) like this. Then when she spends her adult life constantly trying to prove herself to men who belittle her he can reinforce that it's because she's not good enough. What kind of person actually knowingly passes on generational trauma. He knows how shit his dad made him feel by doing it so he's therefore going to do it to his daughter to feel better about himself. Yikes.

Wouldn't be getting any intimacy from me acting like that how disgusting, he can get therapy instead.

He's being her first bully. No child should be treated the way your husband is treating your daughter, and it's just laying the foundations for how she might allow other men to treat her as an emotional punching bag as she goes through life.

You owe it to your daughter to stand up for her and make sure that her own home and family can be a safe space.

My ex-husband to a tee. Notice I said “ex”, it was things like this that contributed. Anyone who puts someone down for their own enjoyment is not a nice human, especially when it’s their own children. Did he grow up with siblings? Sounds like petty sibling behaviour to me