AIBU to think my husband is too harsh about five-year-olds cartwheel?

[Fawncard]

Me and DH are married 7 years.
We have a 5 year old DD, DD and DH constantly clash. He thinks it's funny winding her up but she often gets upset about it and he sometimes wont stop until she is in tears. Like let me be clear its mostly just childish stuff like taking the cup he knows she likes things like that he will always give it back to her but he seems to enjoy seeing her get annoyed which is starting to become a red flag for me.
Anyway over the last 2 days DD has being trying to do a cartwheel.... she thinks she can do a cartwheel (she cannot do a cartwheel and does not want advice on how to do a cartwheel she wants to do it "herself") she has been practicing and practicing. When she asks me to watch her I will find something positive, "well done you are working really hard at that" "woah that one was much higher" etc etc. But DH just keeps going "that's not a cartwheel" and keeps giving her unwanted advice and putting on videos of kids doing actual cartwheels which is annoying and upsetting DD and today she again ended upnin tears and DH just seems so unapologetic about it.
He says he doesn't want her to be "delusional" but at her age I wanted to be a bloody unicorn 5 year olds are allowed to be delusional.
He thinks I'm being too soft I think he's being an arsehole. AIBU?

Ew what a horrible way to treat a child, nasty and mean spirited. He sounds like a bully.

Seems to me to be gratuitously cruel.
Also, it's a very male kind of humor - if it's even humor at all.

@Fawncard He’s abusive and he is damaging her.

My father was like this (and continued to be until I had the tools to shut it down by holding a mirror up to him as an adult). It's bullying.

Kids will remember how you make them feel forever. Your DD will remember this about her father the way I still do in my 50s. You know what else I remember in my 50s? I remember that my mother enabled it by not protecting me from it. I resent that still. Kids often resent the parent that didn't protect them most.

He's part of the problem where girls get disengaged from sports. Does he want her to be sporty? Why can't he help rather than hinder?
https://womeninsport.org/news/more-than-1-million-teenage-girls-fall-out-of-love-with-sport/

He knows nothing about teaching gymnastics if he thinks showing a 5 year old lots of videos will do the job.

My ex did this. It's abuse and it escalates.

Sorry but those are not little things OP, maybe they are in the grand scheme of things, but as a regular interaction between father and daughter, he's being pretty shitty. Winding her up until she's in tears is just nasty behaviour. Please don't minimise it. How would you feel if he did that to you? At least you're an adult and can stick up for yourself, or LTB, whereas dd can't. Reminds me of my friends dad when we were little. She literally hid when he came home because he bullied her constantly (although itwasn't called that at the time). Her mum used to say 'he's only teasing' but it was nasty. He used to hide her things and pretend he'd accidently thrown them away - even things with sentimental value, made 'boom boom' nosies whenever she walked (she was slightly overweight), or pig noises when she ate for the same reason. I couldn't stand him. Btw dd constantly showing her dad her artwork she's probably desperately seeking his approval.

The fact that your DH knows how much he resented and was affected by what his own father did says everything. History is repeating itself, and by extension, your DD may well be affected for the rest of her life by this.

I'm usually not in favour of parents having their differences out about children in front of them, but your DD needs to see you step up for her.

Tell your DH exactly what you think about his behaviour, that it has to stop, and that next time you will call him out on the spot. Then do it.

You'll need to stand by for massive sulks and denials from him as he's had a lifetime of shit parenting to help form his character, but stand firm. Deal with the behaviour, not his fucked -up childhood - don't let it turn into poor me.

Ask him why he thinks it’s funny to make his child cry? Demand an answer. I’d be thinking long and hard about this marriage, he’s bullying her, even if he’s ND he can still be a twat or he can learn that picking on someone who should be able to trust him is a vile form of abuse and never do it again. Can he learn? Does he even want to?

What a fucking moronic bully! And stop excusing him because he’s ND. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Fucking horrible. Your poor dd.

Tell your DH to wind his neck and just try being a good Dad because he is failing right now. He is chipping away at her confidence and if he continues this damaging behaviour there will be none left. This is why i avoid talking my mother now I am an adult, ask him if that is what he wants?

Has he always been a twat?

This. She’s 5 and her world view is being shaped in a way that could harm her. Tell him to stop or protect her and leave. It’ll only get worse and do more harm in years to come.

He is abusing her to the point of tears.

He will erode her confidence.

Does he show any sort.of supportive or encouraging language or behaviour?
Either way, he needs parenting classes. You might also benefit - you know deep down its an issue but you arent sure and could do with a bit of support.
Abusing a child is a way of abusing the mother. It.might also be worth reaching out to womans aid for materials to assist him with sorting this out.
Hope you manage to turn it around.

"taking the cup he knows she likes things like that he will always give it back to her but he seems to enjoy seeing her get annoyed"

"and then held the remote out of reach when she tried to turn it off. He's ND so I think he genuinely doesn't realise he's being a prick"

I think he knows fine well he's being a prick and seems to enjoy it. This isn't about cartwheels or wanting her to be sporty, it's his family history repeating itself. I wouldn't have my daughter subjected to this and it wouldn't matter a fuck how much he waxes lyrical about her paintings.

He thinks it's funny winding her up but she often gets upset about it and he sometimes wont stop until she is in tears. Like let me be clear its mostly just childish stuff like taking the cup he knows she likes things like that he will always give it back to her but he seems to enjoy seeing her get annoyed which is starting to become a red flag for me.

This is sadistic, cruel, bullying behaviour. He's getting enjoyment out of distressing and upsetting his daughter. He's going out of his way to take things she likes and withhold them until she's upset. He deliberately bullies her until she's in tears!

I would expect this from an older sibling of about 8 or 9, and it would still be hugely unacceptable, and I'd come down on it hard. From an adult? It's abusive.

What kind of monster enjoys making his daughter cry?

I would insist he goes for counselling for his issues or it’s marriage over. I couldn’t continue to watch him bully my dd like that.

So what you’re saying is that your husband is your daughter’s first bully.

Ohhh was a total git! My DD was a huuuge believer of fairies, even up to about age 7! Ha. She wanted to build a special flying machine to fly to fairyland and my DH helped her to design one on paper lol. I love that. Your poor goddaughter 🧚🏼‍♀️🪄for not indulging her creativity and imagination (when she was only 3 FGS!). What is wrong with people??!!!

Yeah. My dad never ever praised me and was highly critical....on top of other abuse that I won't mention here. I've had lifelong depression and really poor self esteem/zero confidence deep down (even though I appear to have it to some extent on the surface). It really is hugely damaging 😞
I really hope op's dh can wake up for the sake of their child 🙏🏻

What a creepy bully.

Why are you with him?

A grown man clashing with a 5 year old? He is a complete arse.

With all of the excuses you have made for him here, I’ll bet it will.

"she loves showing him her artwork or reading for him, she wants to show off to him all the time with those things"

Of course she does. She is desperate for his approval.

This will not set her up well for choosing friends and partners in the future.

I have a couple of people like this in my family (always men) who can only seem to bond and interact with children through teasing (joking) and constantly just want to wind up my son.

Its a fine line though because it always starts happy and funny, but often they don't seem to be able to tell when it flips from the child is enjoying a bit of controlled frustration/jokes, to the child actually being angry and upset. Which at 3-6 years old is pretty unpredictable at times.

I've often wondered why some men find this to be the only way to interact with Children. Is it biological, or is it them copying how they were socialized by older men in their family etc.

I think it is just something that you need to keep an eye on, and keep reminding him about - because a bit of teasing is great for kids.. and men generally provide this really well, but obviously it if it goes into her being routinely upset, then it has become something akin to bullying, and its going to harm their relationship. (you'd hope he could tell this without it needing to be pointed out to him)