DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

Okay, so you say you will engage with counselling, that's positive. Can you give serious consideration to returning to work earlier to take the pressure off him somewhat, since he has cited this as a significant pressure point for him?

I think people are right that you will regret not keeping the baby, so the reality will be leaving your husband.
What provision would you have for your existing children and would he want to share custody?
I don't think there is a happy ending whatever you choose right now.

I think cause it's the guy asking for an abortion, he said he would have a vasectomy, which would have stopped them being in this position but forms are first hurdle he stalled at, having an abortion is an easy enough though attitude from him. he could continue to impregnated her , then regret it.

I'm so sorry he's put you in this situation. The audacity to fail at arranging his vasectomy and then tell you what to do with your body with little discussion or processing?

I can't help but think that maybe losing a man like him might be a blessing in disguise. A good husband and father would be saying he loves you and you'll find a way to make it work no matter the outcome.

OP if his concerns are financial is there any way you could go back to work earlier than planned to support him ?

If he really didn’t want another child then he should have put something on the end of it. But most men won’t they seem to think contraception is up to women. Then when there’s a pregnancy they don’t want expect the woman to abort that baby. It’s so unfair and not right.

That's completely different. A woman carries the baby, a man doesn't...

I think draw strength from what your own instincts are telling you and make a plan, OP.

Sorry you're in this position OP.

I had exactly the same issue 15 years ago. I had an 18mth old and a five-year-old. I became pregnant, and my ExH didn't want to keep it. I also had the abortion booked, but I couldn't go through with it. He told me that I had to choose between him and the baby.

I chose the baby.

During my pregnancy, he had two affairs and was even out with his second affair partner on my due date.

He left for the OW when the baby was 14 wks old.

It was the best thing he ever did for me.

I now have a partner who isn't a selfish, irresponsible man-child, and he has helped me raise three amazing kids.

Personally, I'd do the same thing again. Even if I knew for sure that it would break my marriage, because having the abortion would have broken my heart.

If a man insisted a woman carried a pregnancy to term there would be uproar on here.

Yeh because it's not remotely equivalent 🙄

But she doesn't want an abortion, and thinks it will affect her mental health and her relationship with her husband? Why does his opinion trump hers? It's her body.

Oh OP, I'm very sorry for you.

Either you or your husband is going to end up with a life that they don't want.

That doesn't make him 'not your soulmate'. That's a bullshit concept anyway. He is saying he cannot handle this. You are saying you cannot handle the other.

So as other posters have said, you probably need to think about what your life will look like with three young children as a single mother. Good luck OP. X

He hasn’t put OP in any situation. Consensual sex takes two. They were using contraception and it failed. Vasectomy is not the only form of contraception and you could just as easily say that if OP didn’t want any more children she could have opted for sterilisation. A good husband and father provides for his family. Which is what her DH seems to be doing - and as the sole breadwinner with his own business. He has the right to express his feelings as he is the one on whose shoulders their financial wellbeing sits.

You already have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. You have PPD or had this in the past. With 2 young kids and a wife that not working your husband is self employed. His income could be up and down and being honest at the moment a lot of businesses are finding it tough. It can be hard to get work and hard to get paid.

3 kids under 5, then you end up with ppd so who minds the new born and the 2 kids you already have. Not to mention that you're husband is obviously stressed at the moment so what happens if he decides to leave you. You could be on your own with 3 kids under 5.

I can see why he wants you to have an abortion. You need to consider the the kids that you already have and what's happens if you have this baby. Even if you don't end up with ppd 3 kids under 5 are hard going and as they get older the expenses get higher especially at secondary school age. 3 kids together in university is very expensive now as I know parents in this situation and they both have good incomes.

Your plan was to go back to work when you're 2rd child got to 2 so now another baby puts this back and the longer your out of work the harder it is to get back into work.

You need to do what right for you and the children that you already have. In your situation I would have an abortion. You need to tell your husband needs to get a vasectomy as you don't want this happening again. Tell him you won't be having sex until he gets this done and the tests after this come back negative.

If his business is not going well he needs to look for a job and be getting a regular salary. You also need to look for a job. Could you get a job in Tesco ect working evenings when he comes back from work? I know it might not be ideal but it will give you more income each week.

Gosh this is hard…
I think he is being very honest.. and you should listen to what he says. Not do what he wants necessarily but at least listen. I think some counselling asap would be a good idea.

Youmight have to prepare to do it alone.. and hope you don’t have to.
I agree that three young children, PND and a business is an awful lot.
Your marriage might fail at a later date for other reasons with all this on your plate.
i think the best you can hope for would be to come to some sort of serious agreement about what the future ‘burdens’ would look like - eg we will employ a nanny for the next two years; my parents will help a day a week, let’s close the business and both work in ‘normal’ steady jobs etc. There needs to be a big discussion at the very best.

I also think there is more here already - the fact he is already in the pits suggests to me that he’s already heavily overloaded (I’m not saying you aren’t) and that hasn’t been addressed by the family / a new routine that’s more supportive of him hasn’t been found. He’s telling you he is at his limit. Already.

best of luck to you 💓 xxxz

He’s not had a vasectomy so he’s not that against another child

OP it’s your choice and not his. Don’t let him pressure you

It’s her body, but it’s his financial responsibility.

And again, why is the vasectomy relevant when they were using a reliable form of contraception which failed ?

Fuck that's a shit situation. I'm so sorry OP.
I think there's lots of questions here and only you will really know the answers - do you thinks he will come round? Will he resent you for having the baby?
If there is a probability that he won't come round then you have to frame this in your mind as having the baby may well mean the end of your marriage. And that's a massive question to answer.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation:-(

Any man who has sex, should know that a baby is a possible outcome even with contraception, and that it's up to the woman what happens to the pregnancy.
He could have had a vasectomy if he felt that strongly.

Yes although I think this is complicated by the fact they were doing that in anticipation of OP having the coil removed, and she had not yet done that. I've got the coil and as PPs said people do generally regard it as pretty failsafe.

Lean on your family.
There are anti-depressants you can take during pregnancy and into post natal while breast feeding.
It's your body, so if you don't want to about you don't have to. Your DH being stressed is both normal given all circumstances and unfortunate. But, loving you means supporting you. If he'd leave you, let you or the kids suffer, then he's not much of a husband, partner or father. And you can always go to work earlier.

If he didn't want a baby, he should have taken responsibility and had the vasectomy. OR stopped having penetrative sex.

Once the baby is in your body, the final decision is yours.

Men need to get this through their heads. No baby? Take responsibility. Crying after she's pregnant is too late. The choice is out of their hands.

I doubt he did actually forget to drop his vasectomy forms off at the GP. He didn't actually want to do it so he didn't. He probably thinks contraception is your department and didn't consider the possibility that it can fail, as your coil has.

He is equally responsible for this baby, but he took no precautions to ensure that an unplanned pregnancy didn't occur and is now throwing his toys out of the pram. If he'd had the vasectomy as you had apparently previously discussed then this situation just wouldn't have occurred (or highly unlikely anyway). He isn't blameless.

The decision on continuing with the pregnancy or not is yours and yours alone. There are no perfect options here, but don't be pressured into having a termination that you don't want and would regret forever.

He might come round, he might not. There are no guarantees, but you know that. You probably will have to be prepared to go it alone but you do say that you have support on both sides of the family so look to them and go with whoever is most reliable and able to help.

Did you have any prior conversations about the number of children you planned to have together?

Your body your choice and all that. But is it better to have a 3rd child and split up? Or stay with two children and have them grow up with two parents living together?

The decision IMO needs to be what is best for your two children. Not what's best for you or what's best for him.