DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

Don't have the abortion but your dh is worrying about a future that does not and probably won't exist how he thinks it will. Another child will of course add a layer of complication to life, but it is almost never as bad as the image we paint in our heads. I get that he probably feels under a lot of pressure though at the thought of supporting another person and you through pregnancy and beyond so I do empathise with him to an extent.

My dh and I ummed and aaahed about having a third child for a year and there were honestly only cons when we put it all down on paper. We went for it and she's almost 10 months old now and nothing that we worried about happened. My dh was diagnosed with a brain tumour last month (likely benign but still not great) and even with that, we're still so happy she's here.

Good luck ❤️

He's right. You didn't plan for three and he doesn't want three. Ignore everyone demonising him. If a man insisted a woman carried a pregnancy to term there would be uproar on here.

Very difficult situation. You are thinking with your heart and him with his head. Neither of you are wrong. 3 kids under 5 is a hell of a lot especially with your mental health history. Could you manage alone if you had to?

I wouldn't have an abortion I didn't want but I would try to switch out of baby mode and into practical mode. What help can you get to manage 3 young children, paid or unpaid? What would the budget look like? How can you reduce the risk of getting I'll this time around? Meet him where he is.

This is a really difficult situation, with no right answer, but given that I think you need to choose the least worst option and prioritise the DC that you do have, not the one you don't.

Is the best thing for your 2 DC a single mum with existing PND, likely to be compounded by a further post partum, plus a divorce, and getting to grips with being a single mum of three small children?

I get you, this is devastating position to be in, but you need to be realistic and clear headed about this choice.

He sounds very worried about your financial situation as a family of 5 and your well-being post baby. Do you bring any money in or is it all on him?

What was the contraceptive failure, please don't tell me it was the withdrawal method.

Can you afford and cope with 3 DC, realistically?

He should be booking himself a vasectomy

Dont let him guilt trip you into doing what deep down you dont want to do.

His choice ended the moment he ejaculated. Any decent man knows that.

No contraception is 100% guarenteed. If he was this dead set agianst a pregnancy occuring then his two options were abstinence and a vasectomy.

Absolutely. This.

You’re both in shock and you’re both under a lot of strain with a business, two very young children, lack of sleep and your PND. Neither of you are seeing things through a fully rational lense. It sounds overwhelming on many levels.

You need to be on the same team and listen to each other’s concerns. At the moment you’re battling each other. Assuming you’re going to keep the baby (I don’t blame you) then you need to make some practical changes to make life easier.
Eg. Draft in some extra help so your PND improves. relatives, friends, extra days in nursery.

Go back to work so that you get maternity pay for no. 3

DH speaks to someone to help with his own stresses.

So youre fine with her existing children having a lower quality of life for some arbitrary moral structure? Ste should have a termination and then one of them gets the snip.

His views are just as valid as yours because another baby impacts you all as a family. But nobody should ever talk you into, or emotionally blackmail you into, having an abortion if you don’t want one. Ultimately this is your decision, but bear in mind that if you have the baby, you may end up bringing your children up alone. I’m not saying this is ok at all, but it’s a very plausible outcome if you are so diametrically opposed. Keep talking. Perhaps seek counselling/mediation to help you both move forward. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Gosh what a horrible situation, I really feel for you.
It’s your body and your decision what you do. Just take it one day at a time until you feel more sure.

@HollyhocksandPeons Realistically, how's that going to work though? The Op is currently recovering from PND and we don't know how bad it was. What if she suffers from it again with the new baby, how will she cope with three children under four?

It could easily be the opposite of a happy life. Her DH isn't a monster it's quite logic for him to be worried about how they'll cope.

You are suffering from ppd and have two very young children. Will you be able to cope happily with three? Isn’t it better to concentrate your efforts on the two existing ones and getting better? Your body and your mind have taken a beating.

But this isn't what's on the table. The options aren't do what he says, or skip off into the sunset with your golden haired children round your ankles, to live the happy life you deserve.

This is completely untrue and dangerous misinformation. have a look at the regretful parents subreddit, there are plenty on there.

Your choice, but if you can't talk it through and come to a decision together then likely it will be hard for relationship to survive.

Listen to his reasons against 3rd child with an open mind and ask him too do the same. Hopefully one of you will begin to agree with the other.

I’m not sure why him getting a new job is not a good response to the situation.

You have two difficult paths in front of you. Neither of them is he guaranteed to be by your side, which is sad, but you can’t make your decisions based on his role.

If he is serious about you getting an abortion, I would expect him to have booked his vasectomy appointment. If he hasn’t, I would not be taking his protests about the pregnancy as seriously. I would not want to risk ending up in this situation again.

This is one million percent your decision and he should be supportive.

Now I have a child I don't think I could abort a second. But, knowing my own limitations, I could abort a third. I think you need to really think about how this will affect the lives of your existing children.

This has all been taken off the table by DH's vasectomy anyway which he was sensible enough to sort out himself and not put it all on me until menopause. Your DH should be doing this.

Do you think you can cope with 3 kids and work alone if it came to it?

Absolutely this.