DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

Unless op disagreed at the time how would he know she didn’t want one until she said. She booked the appointment. They agreed on 2 and she was planning back to work next year. She had long term contraception in. Both words and deeds pointed to not wanting a child.

OP has changed her mind which is her right, however all his behaviour up until today is of a partner who agreed that they both did not want another child.

the forms are a failure on his part but I can also see as someone who is also self employed getting to a doctors during opening hours is sometimes a Sisyphean task.

100%

Because it clearly wasn't reliable, so he was willing to take the chance to get his end away and just rely on the OP's emotional devastation in sorting out the resulting problem.

Most people I know who have or have had coils are not also using condoms with their long term partners. And they don’t want children.

"He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job."

Sounds like he's only thinking of himself.

No one gets to force another person to have an abortion. They just don't. That's all there is to it. You are both equally responsible for the creation of this baby. It is not your fault and you do not have to bear the consequences.

Why is it that SHE should listen to HIM (which she obviously did as the abortion was booked) yet HE isn't listening to HER and what she wants to do with her own body?

How is that different from what OP was doing to 'get her end away'?

They are both in this mess, and both responsible.

Have children stay in an unhappy household?
OP says they'd likely break up anyway.
staying together for the kids is rarely a good option.

Have the baby. Don’t have an abortion when you feel this way. You’ll manage. If your husband doesn’t come to terms with having another child, it’s his loss.

I agree, he’s being honest with you about his concerns. A third could be catastrophically detrimental to your family unit if it’s not something you have planned for or wanted, you were actively trying to prevent it for a reason.

What IS based in reality is that the woman is the one who has the final decision about abortion.

The man's decision making is based around choosing sex with the risk of pregnancy. Once it's occurred, he isn't part of the decision making process. He can have an opinion. But it isn't a deciding factor.

DECIDE to manage your OWN fertility.

Well it's quite a loss to the OP and her children to lose her family, her income, and her carer. It's not a simple equation.

Thing is all this 'HE' and 'SHE' shouty stuff isnt going to help the OP

Yes he should have got a vasectomy when he said he would. Maybe he assumed the coil would be sufficient (I certainly would). Maybe he doesn't like needles. Maybe he's a selfish arse. None of it really matters now.

He isn't doing anything wrong saying he can't cope with a third baby. Lots of people would feel the same.
OP isn't doing anything wrong by saying she doesn't want an abortion - lots of people would feel the same.

The biggest issue here is that OP has had mental health struggles before and if her husband sticks with the line he has at the moment there is a very real possibility of OP being a single mother with three under five. Now there may be lots of people that could cope with that. There's lots of people that couldn't.
OP has a very very difficult decision to make and ranting about her DH isn't going to help her.

Although this is really tough and feels like a lose/lose at the moment, it doesn't have to play out that way OP.

I think the only 'guaranteed' lose is if you abort. You don't want to and from how strongly you feel, I don't think you'd get over it and be able to get past it.

If you are clear that you are going to have the baby, there is a chance that DH will come round and a chance that he won't. This is in contrast to you aborting where I don't believe there is any chance of you being completely happy with that decision...

You and the baby deserve to play those odds.

But she's the one carrying the baby.

In light of the fact that he CBA to get the vasectomy, I would have a very dim view of his current stance indeed @ccd90

Do nothing. See if he comes round but if you want the baby, you are already aware of the pitfalls and are prepared to push on, then good for you knowing your own mind and good for the baby hanging in there with the good heartbeat despite the bleed. I would feel how you feel.

At 8 weeks pregnant it isn’t a baby. It’s the size of a kidney bean. I imagine going through with it and raising three kids as a single mum in this economic climate will be very hard, for a very long time. I personally couldn’t do that to my existing children. Especially with ongoing MH issues (PND). It doesn’t seem like a sensible time to bring another child into the world. I don’t blame him for not wanting the responsibility of 3rd, with a wife with recent PND.

Its easy to romanticise a cute little tiny baby.. but the reality is that kids as they grow older get harder and harder work and with limited resources it won’t be much fun. Providing what everyone needs emotionally, materially, logistically… it’s tough.

What it comes down to can op become a single mum to three children with zero income or rather on basic UC.

Is the house rented or owned? If rented it’s likely to be in her dh’s name since he is the only earner. Regardless though if both named either can end the tenancy. While he is self employed getting cms out of him will be like finding rocking horse shit.

So worst case scenario op ends up in a woman’s hostel awaiting council housing, for months. No cms. Bare minimum Uc. oh and she gets pnd again. With no help?

Could throw in him fighting for 50/50 of the current existing children and getting that sorted before the third is born. Could make it better or worse for op who knows.

Can you do that op? Can you get what possible ducks you may have access to in row to make that as easy as possible.

Manipulate?

If tables were turned... if your partner wanted to keep your baby and you didn't - how would you feel?

It's heart breaking situation for OP, but I'd think very hard about 3 kids as a single parent with PND and how this is going to affect existing DC

You don’t choose to have a child; you choose not to

👏🏻👏🏻

We went into the doctors for a "what to do about pregnancy chat" with a very unexpected and poorly timed pregnancy. When they did the scan and I saw it, it really triggered something in me that wasn't there before. Ultimately we kept it. I'd strongly suggest couples counselling. Good luck

You're all over this thread defending this man and I don't know why.

OP never said she would get sterilised or is 100% against having more children so that's irrelevant. It is also far easier to get a vasectomy on the NHS than a sterilisation.

You don't have sex with someone who can get pregnant and then tell them they cannot be pregnant when their body is the one housing the child. If we lived in a universe where men were the ones carrying the baby I'd say the same thing to women, but we are not.

Any man should assume any sex could lead to pregnancy unless he's had the snip. Sorry that you're allergic to holding men accountable.

What were his reasons for not wanting it? If he provides the sole income for your household and plans to make a big financial change (closing his business) then maybe it is sensible to look at the numbers and consider if a third baby is affordable.

Or he might leave.

This isn’t something anyone here can decide - OP and her DH need to discuss this.

That's not helpful. OP had a coil. He's not unreasonable to assume that would work as contraception. OP clearly did too.

He doesn't want a third child. It's all very well saying 'well he should have thought about...' but it doesn't help OP now.