DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

Leave him. Have your baby and live a happy life.

It’s your body , so YOU decide.

Don’t have an abortion you don’t want.

Be prepared to him to leave or emotionally check out and you need to leave him. Because a baby you don’t want is a big deal too.

He may come round but I wouldn’t make plans on him suddenly changing his mind.

Good luck for whatever happens.

Has he explained why he has such strong views on this, it's possible to have a 9-5 job and a 3rd child so I can only assume he's concerned about the business in some Perhaps he's concerned about you PND, either way it's your body and your decision.
It's a shocking ask that any man would think he can simply demand you abort his baby.

I think your assessment is right. If you abort youll resent him and may split anyway.

He also may just need some time, although it isnt an excuse to be unkind to you.

It's your body you decide but you obviously can't make him stay in an unhappy relationship. So you need to prepare yourself for being a single mum of 3 under four.

he is talking to you .

he is telling you that the strain of carrying.a family of three will be too much for him.

that the self employed business is stressful for him.

did you not hear that?

you will have 3 children under 4, that’s a lot. a lot of single income responsibility or a lot of childcare costs.

you weren’t planning a 3rd so soon, your husband is telling you this will be a great burden on him, and i think it is good for him to be honest.

Don't abort a baby that you want to keep. Your dh helped to create this child and he has no right to try and force you to abort it. If he feels this strongly about no more dc he should have had a vasectomy. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life about this?

What a horrible situation for both of you. There’s no right answer.

Plan for doing it solo, hope that you don’t have to. No easy answers with this one unfortunately. No one should have an abortion they don’t want, but no one should have a child they don’t want either. When those two things collide, someone is going to suffer for it.

Unfortunately ‘leave him and be happy’ is a bit of a pipe dream too. That will end up with OP having three kids under four with PND and perhaps in a perilous financial situation.

I think the thing to do for now is to just give it time, just stop talking about it for the next few weeks and give the idea time to settle.

He's trying to manipulate you to have an abortion. He will a absolutely up the anti and pile on pressure until you do what he wants. Can yoj make the kids and go somewhere else? Its your body and your choice. If he doesnt want more chikdren he can have a vasectomy. Realistically, you hace to chose the man or the baby but I think you have chosen already.

You have posted before a few times (and name changed) but there is a lot going on here right as well at the PPD? Him being a selfish arse and not helping you much with the children you already have?

I would think long and hard about if you are ready, willing and able to do this alone as I suspect you will be doing it alone (even if you remain married he isn't suddenly going to step up and be a hands on parent! You'll be left doing the grunt work for 3 kids as opposed to 2)

Can you cope with being a single mother to three kids under 5 and PND? I couldn't. His response would probably end the relationship anyway, but at least then there's only two kids to try and deal with if it all goes tits up.

Honestly, I can see how this is such a tough decision, but the 'I can't abort this baby' and actually having another child are really very different, especially when you already have 2 young children, PND and an unsupportive partner, plus reduced wages.

Its easy to say I can't do it, but please look at the reality before making any decisions.

What an awful situation. Like you, I wouldn't want to abort, but will you be able to manage if you have the baby? Your DH is clearly saying that he doesn't think that he can cope with another baby - can you? It concerns me that you're currently recovering from PND and are now pregnant again. What if the PND returns? If you decide to continue the pregnancy, you'll need support in place in case the PND does return and it's unlikely that your DH will be able to provide enough on his own.

Perhaps it might be helpful to talk this over with a close friend who won't be judgmental?

Sounds like you are listening to your heart and he is listening to his head.
Think ye need to sit and chat some more OP

Equally you should not abort a baby if you will never forgive yourself or him. How would that help?

If he wants to move to being an employee, that's no issue. Plenty of people raise 3 dcs on a salary.

You must accept you may end up a single mum if you keep the baby. He may come round, he may not. It's a decision only you can make, knowing him as you do, knowing your own abilities and taking the needs of your other dcs into account too.

I think this is a very good post. Of course it’s your body, your choice, but it doesn’t make you right and him wrong. I think both of your feelings here are equally valid. Already struggling with PPD would worry me greatly.

This is a tough situation to be in, you have my sympathies.

Don't do anything you don't want to do, you need to do what you feel is right. However I would advise you get your ducks in a row for the possibility that this will end your marriage.

As much as you want him to say it will be alright, unfortunately in his mind he doesn't think it will be. He isn't wrong to be honest with you about the fact he feels he won't cope especially when there's a history of PND. He's allowed to his own feelings on it especially when he thought you had agreed on an abortion. He may just need time to come around, and if he does a conversation about getting a vasectomy needs to be had.

It might be your body but it will impact his life too so I wouldn’t say he has zero input at all. It really is a tough call and one with no compromise. I wonder what he would say if he thought you were considering leaving the marriage.

agree, they need to talk more,

but expecting their current lifestyle to continue, and to not acknowledge his perspective would be unfair.

what are OPs current work/finanackal contribution plans, and how will the third child affect this.

because if she doesn’t want to think about the practicalities she is being unfair.

If you don’t want it, you’ll regret an abortion for the rest of your life. Doubt you’ll regret a divorce for so long. Your body, your birth, you are the mum (bet you carry the whole household), your choice.

Op that's such a hard situation to be in

Whoops75 nailed it

But I get it's impossible to talk to him right now

Like others have said there is no right answer but I do feel like you should have more say as it's you who is growing the baby and you who would have to have the abortion etc.

Do you have any relatives that are around that could help you with child care and postpartum?

He sounds very worried, OP, and given you're already suffering with PND and have 2 very young children, I can see why. It's going to be a huge financial burden for him to shoulder.

You need to both be open and talk about how you're feeling, there's no right or wrong.... but you have to both be on the same page here.

You can’t have an anortion that you don’t want. It has the potential to break you. People rarely regret having their baby once it is born, but plenty of people regret abortion.

Your husband has the right to not want another child and that is entirely valid, so his poor reaction is understandable. But it’s not his body that grows the babies, so he’s going to have to deal with it.