DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

This was this morning? Did he go with you for the scan? I would imagine that emotions were already heightened before today due to Thursdays appointment.
Then the change of heart, I wonder if he’s panicking and needs time to adjust? Same for you, take time to think.

I agree with pp regarding head and heart.
It is a heartbreaking decision either way and you both have strong feelings.

That's not necessarily true - surely any woman is likely to go to hospital in those circumstances, if only out of worry for her own health?

This must be so hard on you both, I am sorry! What do you think would be the best for your 1 and 3 year old? Sorry if I missed that bit, no need to reply if so (or at all).

Abort the husband, keep the baby. I have 3 children and found out i was unexpectedly pregnant with a 4th, my husband couldn't have been more supportive, he said he'd support me no matter what decision I made (when we talked about it, he said I would have final say no matter what as it's my body, my choice) but I knew deep down he wanted me to keep it too, which is what we decided to do. We both work full-time and our life is busy, but you adapt and make changes and it all works out.

Your husband sounds awful anyway, I couldn't imagine being married to someone who would react like this. If he was so certain his family was complete at 2 and he couldn't manage 3, he should have booked the snip before baby 2 arrived, he shouldn't rely on you being forced to go through an abortion if he doesn't want anymore children.

@Limehawkmoth Tbf, coils are more than 99% effective and I imagine that most long-term couples using them don't use any other forms of contraception. DH and I didn't. The OP and her DH have been v. unlucky that it failed.

Relationship is doomed now either way unfortunately. One of you isn't going to be on board with the outcome which is only going to build resentment. Ultimately you have the final say in this. Don't fall for his guilt tripping.

There is rightly uproar on any bloke, politician or even Ano woman telling/insisting a woman what to do with her body. Be it getting pregnant, taking contraception, having an abortion, or continuing a pregnancy

Also to be a pessimist.

Beware of the fact that if you or he does leave as you have the third he might not parent the new child at all and only the older two.

Also he could end up with a new partner and having children with her despite not wanting your third which would be such a head fuck as well.

As I’ve seen that play out before. Man leaves because no abortion, never interacts with that child, but has a new partner pregnant within a year or two and slowly but surely stops all contact with the first kids. Just pays what he has to.

I do think three with a sahm and a stressed running his own company clearly worried about the money coming in dad when mums got a big history of ppd is a big risk and explains exactly why he doesn’t want another and why he is so stressed about it.

Id be worried about my first two children for a worst case scenario of suddenly being a single parent to three with zero income.

And also that he will still see the other 2 children but completely blank the other one. It happened to a friend of mine. The unwanted child is now going through counselling with very limited results.

Because a lot of people on here seem to think that a male romantic partner can’t have any opinions about having a baby or not unless he’s had a vasectomy as that’s the only almost fool proof way to ensure never to get pregnant. And that he should be abstinent until then. Which is not based in reality.

I'm so sorry OP - that is really hard.

You can't have an abortion you don't want.

I wonder if you both could just take a week or so to let the whole thing sit. You are only 8 weeks pregnant another week is neither here nor there. If you take the pressure of an immediate decision off the table the two of you might be able to look at the situation more calmly and less catastrophically (especially him).

If I were you I would think carefully about your own mental health and how you will cope - just for you. PND is no picnic and having a baby quickly after another is hard both mentally and physically. But in the end of the day you cannot have a termination you don't want.

is having the baby more important than breaking up the family you already have? he is telling you he doesnt want another baby, you need to be in it together

Snap for my friend. The poor last child but dad stands by I didn’t want them, you decided to keep them, but I paid for them and that’s as much as I’ll do.

The statistics for people regretting having children are 8-14% of people when polled (with children). Agree with every other thing you mentioned 💐

Well it is the most effective form of contraceptive for a man who is absolutely adamant he doesn't want another child. It is what I would have done if I were the dh here just as if I didn't want to get pregnant I wouldn't rely on him using condoms but would sort my own contraception. Relying on your wife's contraception or her willingness to have an abortion isn't great if you feel that strongly.

Problem is often it’s doesn’t want another child with that person rather than ever.

If you don’t want an abortion don’t have one. However you both need to take a beat and then talk and let the other one speak fully have grace and voice their concerns.

2 children 1 income self employed ppd. there’s a lot happening at the moment regardless of the pregnancy. This is another layer of stress for you both. Talk it out. Find a solution together or if not find an amicable parting.

I suspect the other 2 children will end up in therapy too. horrible.

I was leaning towards "he's trying to tell you something", but if he neglected to get that vasectomy, then I'm afraid he doesn't get to opt out of the consequences.
You still need to have a proper discussion, but he shouldn't make excuses not to prioritise that.

@ccd90 is him not having the baby going to relieve the stress he feels he’s currently under - with 2 babies, a business to run and a wife who unfortunately has PND? Probably not. He’ll still be stressed, so he may as well add the third child to the mix. His stress levels won’t change that much. Stress is stress.

That said, should you not have the baby you want to keep, your life may become miserable and full of regret on top of life’s current day-today stresses.

If you want and love the baby you should keep it.

That does not mean she should abort her baby. And he keeps forgetting to arrange a vasectomy that he said he would have. He's not got a leg to stand on here.

This poor woman already has pnd and will very likely have it again whilst trying to care for a baby and two toddlers (if she gets custody of them). Leaving her husband is an enormous step to take in her case.

Think of yourself OP and what is best for you. There is also no rush.

I assume you have not had an abortion before? I have had an early abortion and a very late medical related one (I would never want to go through that again completely broke my heart). The doctors are excellent and have long chats with you beforehand to make sure it is definitely your choice and decision.

I consider an unwanted abortion to be a forced one and in the same category as assault.

The baby was an accident for both of them not just him. Unless op secretly wanted a baby.

and they were using contraception. Most people believe and trust the people they’re having sex with. It’s fine if Ops changed her mind but he’s not some evil negligent bastard because he relied on a 99% effective contraception and believed his wife.