DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

Women are not incubators.

Aaaand here we go...

What a ridiculous comment. As if her life isn’t hard enough right now.

I 100% agree that he is as much a part of this as I am but I have two options here, have an abortion that I don’t want and resent him, live with the regret/guilt/sadness at what I’ve done, my MH may spiral further down.

or continue the pregnancy, engage in the perinatal counselling that I’ve been offered in both previous pregnancies due to history of depression and anxiety and pray that PND doesn’t hit me all over again - I didn’t have it with my first.

He was meant to have a vasectomy, he kept forgetting to drop the forms off at the doctors surgery. I had the coil but wanted it removed, fell pregnant anyway and here we are. Hospital thought baby was ectopic for 2 weeks until they saw sac in my uterus.

I don’t bring in any money, the plan was always that I’d be a SAHM until youngest goes to nursery at 2.

If he left me, I’d be heartbroken. We’ve spent a lifetime together, since school kids but if he does leave then he was never my soulmate in the first place.

I have lots of support and help both sides of the family. I am very grateful for that.

Please no anti abortion posts on here, I am pro choice.

Self employed and 4 kids is very difficult, not just the work, it's admin, calls, you wear many hats and it needs lots of time to do it all, so he could be talking sense about getting a "normal" job. At least employer deals with admin etc. your a partnership, you both need to be on same page, is he going to resent giving up business? Is he going to get a vasectomy immediately to prove he's not wanting anymore kids? Or maybe more later on? Look at the bigger picture of 2 of you dealing with outcome of your decision

Ah OP, I’m so sorry. He will calm down in a day or two. Rather than have hasty and overheated discussions, why not suggest to him you each take a couple of days to process this and then talk about it again.

Has he seen the scan and the heartbeat? He should definitely be attending any abortion or other appointments with you.

You’ve had a very emotional reaction (I would have been the same.) But see how you feel about having 3 under 5s with a cooler head in a day or two. (I wouldn’t change I know but some people might.

You’ve got this and it doesn’t need to destroy your marriage like so many are suggesting. I agree with others who say focus on your current two children and practical considerations in making your decision. I could never have coped with 3 under 5s!

He will need whichever job reliably brings in money…

Very nice principles. Unfortunately they don’t work inside a marriage where a form of contraception is already being used and an unplanned pregnancy is the result. OP’s DH is the sole earner and self employed. He is the one who will carry the financial burden. It’s a horrible situation all round for both OP and DH, but it’s anything but the black and white scenario you’re presenting here.

And how are you helping. The OP is struggling but already posted that she is pro choice.

I would keep the pregnancy, if you have even an inkling that you don't want to abort then it would destroy you if you do.

As for him, he can either get on board or walk away and justify that to his 3rd child. He should have put those forms on if he felt so strongly.

Speak to your midwives and look into any and all avenues of emotional and financial support you can. Truly wishing you luck

I would not abort. Its your body.

I don’t think you should have this baby . You have two very young children already and have a mental health condition. Your husband is saying it’ll be too much for him . Listen .

If you don't like abortions don't have one.

@ccd90 Goodness, you fell pregnant while you had a coil, what do they do in this situation? Has the coil now been removed?

If you went to the hospital because of a bleed then you were never going to have an abortion.

You'll have to accept he may never be on board though. If he wants to close the business down and get an employed job then tell him to go for it.

Exactly this. A child has two parents and deserves to be wanted and cherished by both.

This…pregnancy is the natural outcome of sex and not getting pregnant is the choice 2 people make and have to do something actively to ensure. You don’t choose to have a child; you choose not to,
that’s both people
And as every school kid knows….contraception fails

if he wasn’t willing to take risk of a pregnancy, and additional child, yet still wanted sex, then he should have had a vasectomy. Actively done something in his control to prevent him having another child

id not be agreeing to giving way to him, if I didn’t want the baby, without him agreeing then to an immediate vasectomy at same time.

so, ultimately if you can’t go through with abortion, don’t, his choice sailed when he chose to have sex with you without vasectomy. And poor handling of condom if he was in charge of contraception.

Your DH is obviously very stressed out about the financial side. He is the only earner so it all comes down to him. It sounds like he's already at risk of being depressed / stressed himself, if not already. Your 2 kids don't need to have him and you arguing over money and being stressed out. Then possibly separating. 3 kids divorced parents as the new baby is born into it. So that's 3 people who don't need another baby. And you. It's hard, as you're obv the one who suffers physically and mentally, more than anyone if you go ahead with a termination, but 3 kids and one ex dh who may suffer, if you don't. So difficult.

@returnseveryday OK so you’re anti abortion. We get that. What we don’t get is why you think posting such cruel vitriol will bring anyone to your way of thinking. You hate abortion. Fine - don’t have one. But don’t attempt to guilt other people into having children they can’t afford to keep - either emotionally or financially - unless of course you’re offering to take care of them yourself. No ? Thought not. As usual the concern beyond nine months is non existent.

He forgot to drop the forms off for a vasectomy..
But I guess if that had been your job, it would have been done.

Why are you talking as though vasectomy is the only form of contraception ?