AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

He can’t and he doesn’t. I just meant I’d rather risk that than let him think he’s been abandoned. I know some families think that’s a strategy and it may work but I’ve heard some terrible stories too and it’s just not something I could do. He’s a nightmare but he is young (emotionally not really caught up up yet) and very vulnerable. He needs his family even if he thinks he doesn’t.

As someone else said there is a definite balance to be struck, but it is hard. People not in the situation will just say "you just have to let them learn for themselves" but the problem is they don't. You have to scaffold for longer they are definitely younger for longer, but you also have to look after yourself. I would try and find local support from parents in a similar position, which may give you the strength to put in more boundaries for him but will understand when you don't.

If it’s in a JISA they will typically contact you (the registered account holder) a few months before he turns 18 to get his NINO/phone number/email address so they can update it and you will then not be allowed to log in and he will get an email to sort out a new password etc. if he knows the provider he can just call them now he’s 18 and do it all over the phone. ID checks will vary as they will probably run an electronic check first (via Experian or the like), is he on the electoral register at your address? If so, he’ll probably pass if not, then yes they will ask for ID. Also, you won’t be able to add a bank account that’s in your name now he’s 18 to have it withdrawn too, it will have to be in his name and they will also run a check on that too.

You know I so wish I had support from other parents. I’m sure others have similar struggles but I find that many like to keep it private and not share. It’s really sad as I’m always happy to open up to parents in the same situation. I’ve even been introduced to a mother in my situation by the father and when I tried to speak to her she said she didn’t really know what I was talking about and her son was fine. So I never discussed it with her again. I do feel very alone. And I feel judged by those who have no idea what it is like.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdukparentsofadultchildren

No, because she has no intention of permanently deprivng her son of the cash and theft requires that intention.

But it wouldn't necessarily stop her being charged with theft if he complains.

But if I was a mother I would risk that to save a drug addicted child from using the money to cause his own death.

Fraud does not come into it. The bank would have to have given her the right to move the money as an account holder or she wouldn't be physically able to do it.

A few weeks to wait for a new passport as well as an online interview (doesn't happen for everyone) is no big deal, especially when we're talking a five figure sum at the end.

He’d need a lot of information that presumably only you hold to actually make this happen presumably?

Name of holding bank
Account number
His ID
Bills / proof of address

Sounds like he’d find sorting all that without any help or indeed with repeated obstruction by you very difficult.

If you refused to help he’d then presumably need some form of legal help to take you to court (?) for the ID / details??? Either way it feels like something you should be able to stall for quite a while.

We’re in the same boat with my son as my Dad set up an ISA in his name and it’s stuck where it is until he’s 18. He’s only 14 so not an issue yet but who knows what could happen in 4 years!

But the bank cannot do that? The account is in the name of her adult DS. The only person who can move the money is him. I’m not sure what you were trying to say in the post I replied to of not fraud, which OP would have to commit to gain access and theft which she absolutely would be doing if she took the money, otherwise all thieves could say their action wasn’t intended to be permanent!

His job is driving. He's very good at that. He is just terrible with any paperwork.

If she is a trustee on the account, she can move the money.

If she was a trustee on the account she would not have posted.

if. She has said it’s a child account that she manages and that she wasn’t sure exactly what the account is. A lot of child accounts like that are set up with the parent named as the trustee.

Her DS is 18. It’s not a child account anymore. The whole point of the thread is that OP doesn’t have control of the money.

If you are very concerned you may have to look at whether you can argue that he doesn't have the mental capacity to manage his money, which based on the other things you've said thus far, which may be the case. I'd suggest having a look at the below and speaking to Citizens Advice for further information.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/making-finance-decisions-for-young-people-parent-and-carer-toolkit/making-financial-decisions-for-young-people-who-lack-capacity-a-toolkit-for-parents-and-carers

Lacking capacity isn’t the same as choosing to spend money in a way that’s others don’t approve of.

Do whatever you can to prevent him from laying his hands on this money. Can you move it to an account he cant access?

Sounds familiar. He will NEVER be able to save or manage money.

I’ve just managed to have a conversation with him. He started with “I’m going to sort it out” I told him I wasn’t going to harass him just want him to make informed decisions and we would support his decisions. I reminded him the job market is tough but if he wanted help I would help him he just needs to ask. He then said “I have found another job”. I said that’s amazing what is it? he said “I just need to send them my CV, I’ve been a bit lazy about it”

give me strength this is what I am dealing with. So I said if he needed help to pull it together to let me know. “It’s just a few edits” he said.

it was on the phone. He said thank you. I love you. I asked him if he’d come home for dinner tomorrow as we have some family round. Amazingly he said yes. I said I’d love to see him and I’d let him know timings. I won’t hold my breath but he changes like the wind and I’ve realised it’s triggered by overwhelm so I really can’t push about work and college. As someone else said here his mental health is more important.

but you can see why I think it might take him a while to get round to sorting the admin to access his money….

Yabu because that money is his and he's an adult so you can't stop him having it legally. Yes he's likely going to squander it that's true, and that is shit but it is his to squander.

We don't know what the rules of the actual account and the bank it's with are. I made it clear in my first post that you argued with that she could only do it if she could do it, so what the hell are you still on at me about it for 🤪 ?

All thieves can say their action wasn't intended to be permanent. It's a valid defence if it's believed to be true. Please check out the law before you argue with me about it.

There are no such bank accounts that allow other people access to transfer all your money to them. None. OP has said it was a child account that they managed. Once a child turns 18 the account automatically converts to an adult account.

I know story after story of kids who get access to money too young and it ends in disaster.

In this case, it's almost guaranteed to be one. It's unfortunate he even know about the money in the first place, though.

Such a difficult situation.i feel for you but not sure what you can do.
Is there a medical out? In victorian times you could have someone certified as mad for their own safety - is there a modern day equivalent? He clearly cannot be trusted to look after himself or his health properly .... and it will only take 1 slightly more savvy "friend" to help him get the money I fear ... for a price!
Good luck!

Intentionally withholding an adult's passport against their will can be treated as theft, unlawful detention, or coercive control depending on the context.