MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

I too think the children could have been better and made more of an effort with their grandmother. Could you not have walked the dogs after she went home?

She was rude turning up early and precious about it afterwards.

Some people get lucky and their in laws are helpful and would have helped you get dinner ready.

I think it’s an older person thing for some parents. They forget what a busy family life entails and expect to be a priority.

Your MIL is like mine! Expects to be treated like a VIP guest despite me knowing her for 26 years! She still appears and waits to be made a cup of tea! Pisses me off so much. I purposefully go without so I don’t need to offer. Then at some point she’ll say “I just wondered if someone was going to make me a drink”. No, Susan, I’ve generally got my hands full. The kettle has been in the same place for decades, help yourself 😂

P.s. the dog walk response would have annoyed me too! She’s not your mother, she should have enjoyed her son’s company. She doesn’t need your attention too!

YANBU at all. None of this would have happened or mattered if she had come when arranged. If she wanted to be a guest she would have arrived after 2.30. If she wants to be free to come and go as part of the family then she shouldn’t expect to be entertained.
She should have made herself a cup of tea, appreciated a bit of piece and quiet, enjoyed her 15 minutes with her gs, been proud of his wanting to do his work.
Your husband should reply very briefly pointing out that all of this arose from her being early. Hopefully she now understands why he said 2.30 and will have learned from this.

She was rude.

But I put money on the fact your youngest wanted to scroll their phone. Not do college work.

My FIL has over many years been reprogrammed. Come often, come when you want, fall in with life. Or: Decide to stand on ceremony as a guest, well I can manage that about twice a year. He comes round at least twice a week.

And @WindsorGreatPark if you read my earlier post you'll see that I acknowledged the MIL was being unreasonable for turning up so early. It doesn't excuse a lack of manners.

Tbh the op and her MIL sound as bad each other.

@DrivingHomeToYou But what did she say when you reminded her that you had asked her not to come until 2.30 for a good reason? Had you explained that it wouldn't be possible to entertain her until then? She was very thoughtless to have been early but I don't think your kids sound very thoughtful either, particularly your older one. I wouldn't mind betting that what stings for her most is that her grandchildren seemed to go out of their way to avoid her.
What was her response to you/your husband reminding her why you said 2.30?

Why is the OP bad? For not leaving her job to hover over her MIL? Or for not leaving her dogs in discomfort to hover over her MIL?

She sounds absolutely clueless re wfh and family life.
I’d ask your husband to speak to her. In future I wouldn’t invite her in a wfh day. He needs to explain its equivalent of turning up in office. You can’t come out of interviewing because mil has turned up randomly.
I don’t think your sons’ behaviour is wrong. One said hello then did his work, other is asleep and had no idea she’s there.
In contrast my elderly mum visits on a work day for lunch. She arrives I say hello if not on a call. She walks the dog. I have lunch with her. If there’s something kicking off or a meeting I may only see her briefly and she understands I’m working. She even makes her own cup of tea usually.

We do know all that plus why the OP didn't start until 10.30am.🤔

She knew Monday afternoon wasn’t great for you but did it because it suited her best. She knew not to come before 2.30pm because you’re both working but did anyway because it was better for her! When your husband told her she was early and you’re both working, so to help her self to drinks. Again she decided not to! She has zero consecration for any of you! I honestly think you and your family did nothing wrong! I wouldn’t have woken up my child after a shift and drinks with friends either! Your youngest had a chat with her before going to do his work and go to his hobby. All perfectly polite and understandable. She obviously wanted you all to drop everything to welcome her at 12! Your husband needs to call her and say that he’s sorry she feels this way, but she knew not to come before 2.30 due to work. That she was told to help herself to drinks! Also that Monday wasn’t the greatest time to come as the kids have shifts/school work/hobbies. She is being really unreasonable as visiting any family on a Monday afternoon is going to be tricky!

How is the older one thoughtless? He had no idea she was there. When he knew, he spent time with her.

I think she was unreasonable and annoying to arrive so early but the kids were a bit rude. If it was arranged then eldest should have known about it and got up and youngest could have done the college work later.

She could have just made you both a cup of tea and walk your dogs while she waited, rather than being a massive martyr

The whole point of the thread is that she complained about not being hosted.

This really. You had reasons why you couldn’t come down. Things happen, but your kids could have helped. Homework could have been done when she left & eldest could have gone back to bed. They were rude.

'Elders' is a bit of an emotive exaggeration. OP's MIL is mid-60s and as the current retirement age is 66, soon to be 67, most people of her age are still working. It turns out that OP's MIL has never worked so she has no understanding about why OP's family couldn't just drop what they were doing to host her.

@SomedayYouWill - yes indeed I missed some of the OPs replies. I’m usually good at picking them all up. Sorry about that.

My overwhelming view was (and remains) how unreasonable the MIL was for arriving so early. But I still feel it wasn’t the best planned visit. Often times life isn’t all one way and in my view this is one of those occasions where the MIL was largely in the wrong, but the family weren’t terribly gracious about it. Obviously if she’s a horrible person that’s different. But assuming she isn’t, then my personal view is a bit of grace even in the face of something unreasonable (unless born of malice) doesn’t go amiss. I realise this is not a particularly popular view though. I shall bow out. I apologise again for not reading all the OPs replies.

this. and I am old.

And you could have read the thread. 😂

How old is your oldest?

if he’s an adult then granny’s issue with him sleeping in is between them and nothing to do with you.

if he’s underage then you should probably do something about him drinking himself stupid.

Id just agree with MIL that the visit wasn’t as good as it could have been, could she please arrive when expected next time- and in turn you will do better to be more flexible around dog walking.

This is so true, my dad would have just made tea for everyone.

Neither, as I said in my earlier post which I referred to, I think it was poor manners for her sons not offer their grandmother a drink when they were with her (although I also happen to believe that letting them focus on work & sleep was right).

I also said in my earlier post that given the op kept to her schedule, she should have moved the dog walk to accommodate her MIL's visit. Instead she combined two walks to one longer one but I don't think this is much better.

The whole is very much a storm in a teacup which could have been avoided with better communication up front & boys who were just a little more thoughtful.

Sounds like your dogs get more love, attention and concern than grandmother.

Completely understand that you couldn’t be with her until around 2.30pm - but it sounds very half arsed by everyone except her son/your husband after that. He should make it clearer that the rest of you aren’t free, when he invites her over.

If she’s invited over, she’s right to think that the plan is to have focussed time together. Unless she’s told otherwise.

I hope you and your children aren’t the types that take gifts from gran but don’t really care about her. She’s your husband’s mother - birthed him, raised him - have some respect!

You know she's being unreasonable. The question is what to do about it. Perhaps just repeat that she was too early and you were working. Teenagers don't usually want to spend lots of time with grandparents, so you could laugh that off saying you hardly see them either.