MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

How can you plan well for a visit when the guest decides to visit on a working Monday and arrives 2 hours early to boot? Was OP supposed to mind read that MIL would arrive two hours early?

Well in our culture it’s generally considered extremely rude to turn up two and a half hours early. It’s for exactly the reason that it all went wrong: people are not prepared; you make them feel awkward for not being able to entertain you; you interrupt them from getting things done that need to be finished.

If she’d turned up on time none of this would’ve happened. They would’ve been ready, the kids could’ve been around, she would’ve been offered a drink and they could’ve had a pleasant time.

To sulk about something that’s basically your fault is the height of self absorption. And it sounds very passive aggressive to refuse to stay for dinner when that would’ve been the best time to spend quality time together. I generally hate MIL threads but on this occasion she sounds like she was a PITA.

So OP is a bad person for walking her dogs? Their routine doesn't matter?

The dogs could have been walked later - the kids could have made a bigger effort. It sounds like family life went on around her like she wasn't there and she felt like she should have been "seen" more.
This sounds like it was a unusual occasion like she doesn't normally come to visit - why does it stand out so much?

Such odd answers to a thread...

Of course your NBU, why would you be? She was given a time to meet. Would all these posters have the same answer if you worked in a shop and arranged to meet at a cafe where she arrived early? Of course not.

She was rude to come early, and rude to complain that you weren't available when she decided to arrive two hours before arranged.

Whether she is retired or not; you still have bills to pay, work needs to be completed and your kids still have homework and a life.

It's nobodys fault but her own. You can't stop your own life for anyone. Not even MIL...

I did. Still would have been disappointed if my kids had acted in that way. Different views on kindness & manners, I suppose.

In our family, family is family.

My family feel at home in our house and are welcome to treat it as their home (and they know this, they even come when I’m not home). We don’t stand on ceremony. It’s the same when I go there. If I want a drink I make one for myself and everyone else who wants one.

The only thing you did which would have annoyed me was walk then dog. That could have happened later.

id text back and say “and that is why we had agreed to 2.30, you arrived 2 hours early while we were still at work.”

I didn't say that.

It was rude of the op to take the dogs out when she did without making sure her MIL had clear expectations of how the afternoon would unfold. With respect to the dog walk only, her MIL's early arrival is irrelevant since the op kept to her finish time.

Dogs can cope with their routine being adjusted occasionally, it's not going to screw them up.

This all sounds very formal to me.

Luckily my Mum would have encouraged the youngest to get his college work done and would have ribbed the eldest when he emerged from his pit.
She knows how to use a kettle.
If we were working she would have offered to walk the dogs for us.
My Mum has manners though, so wouldn't have turned up when she knew we were working.

I don't understand people who act so formally when their parents visit, though I am British so that might be why.

I can see no reason to bang your eldest up after 4 hours sleep because she’s randomly turned up at a stupid time. He’d hardly have been in chit chatting mood. He’d had plans. It’s equivalent of him popping round to hers at 2am and complaining nan wasn’t very chatty or didn’t offer him tea when he’d banged on door to wake her up.
Dogs can’t always be walked later they can get restless and annoying ..I can fully understand Op having chatted a bit thought I’ll just nip out with dogs. She left mil with her son, my mil would like 1-1 time.
Her not staying to dinner is odd if she wanted to see you, 3/4 would have been there (one at football)

What are your views on the manners of turning up 2.5 hours early?

The kids weren't involved in the visit. OP told MIL they might not be around so MIL obviously can't have been expecting to see them. They weren't told the plans so made their own (night out, afternoon homework) which is perfectly reasonable.

I am also British and honestly I was raised the same way as @ThisOliveKoala .

It isn't formal, it's basic manners.

But before you come at me, I refer again to my earlier posts in which i defended her boys sleeping/doing homework. They should however have offered their grandmother drinks/refreshments.

You did, you called OP 'bad'.

MIL did have clear expectations about how the afternoon would unfold.

She knew her son and DIL are working until 2.30 and that lunch would follow after that. Yet she turned up at 12.00.

She presumably knows that dogs need walking and have a routine. OP knows her dogs' needs, not you or MIL.

I would just tell her its not your fault she turned up early and going forwards you will not make plans on days you have work. Shes not the queen, she can't expect you to drop everything as for not having a drink thats just lazy behaviour nothing was stopping her using the kettle!

You were working.

Your husband was working.

Your youngest son had an important day and needed to work on college work.

Your oldest son didn’t even know she was visiting.

YANBU.

Your MIL should have either turned up on time or sorted herself out until you had finished work.

A nice grandmother would have realised what a big day your youngest had after feeling nervous and made him a drink and some lunch. She could have prepared lunch for you all whilst you were working. The very least she should have done when she turned up early was to have accepted you were all busy, amused herself and not moaned about it afterwards. She caused all of this!

Your MIL was rude and entitled. Don’t invite her over on a working day anymore.
your children did nothing wrong. It’s not like they invited her personally.

I have a vision of OP saying to the dogs 'you'll just have to cross your legs, I don't care if you haven't been for a pee or poo for 6 hours, MIL is here and she is more important '.
I wonder if MIL would have helped clean up if one of the dogs had had an accident. 🤔
OP, unlike some, I have read all your posts and I think none of your household has been unreasonable.

Saying two people are as bad as each other isn't the same as saying a person is 'bad' 😂

Oh my god this place 😂

So in which way is OP as bad as MIL?

Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?
They were working, albeit in the house. Imagine coming early when the someone you were coming to see works away from the home. It's the same thing.

Yanbu @DrivingHomeToYou Sounds like she sat stewing whilst waiting for you both to finish and just got crosser and crosser.

Again, read my posts. I'm not going to keep repeating myself
And quite frankly I don't care if you disagree with me.

I think the crux of it is that she has no concept you are working.
If you were in an office she wouldn’t pop in during working day. I’d stop her coming on work days.

MIL would know they have dogs and that dogs need walking. It would also be nice for MIL to be able to have time with her son one to one. When family visit, certain things still have to be done, the world doesn’t stop.

MIL can cope with OP popping out for 30 minutes in what would have been a 3 hour visit if she had turned up at the correct time, or longer if she hadn’t had a strop and not stayed for the dinner she was invited to. She was invited on the dog walk and they all could have had a walk together but she didn’t want that either.

She sounds incredibly difficult.

She was rude by turning up early.

Your children were rude by not making more of an effort. Though I see you don’t intend to improve their manners.

You were rude by walking your dogs while she was still there. I couldn’t imagine doing that to a guest. “Thanks for coming to see us. I’m off now”. Weird and rude.